Lets build one hundred different tavern owners to make taverns more interesting!

Die Roll	Result
1	Davis Owensby - A retired farmer who converted his old barn into a tavern. This tavern keeper brews all his own beers with hops that he grows. He will sit and talk about farming for hours, if you let him. He is worried about his cows going missing, and suspects the ogres in the hills are to blame.
2	The Ghost of Sel'seren - This tavern is haunted by the previous tavern keeper who died a few years ago. Sel'seren was a gorgeous elven woman who treated all her guests like family. People who stay the night in this inn report having their covers being pulled over them on cold nights on their own, and mugs of ale being refilled on their own.
3	Mugsy - The ex-criminal Mugsy is a goblin who pulled off a BIG heist in his past, and is using the tavern as a cover to stay under the radar. He speaks fluent Thieve's Cant and usually takes a liking to rogue players. He charges paladins extra.
4	Slunk Copperpot - Slunk is a goblin stripper who recently came into possession of her own tavern because the previous owner died of mysterious circumstances. Slunk was always his favorite dancer, and he left the tavern to her in her will. The strange thing is, he died within days of telling Slunk that information. What a coincidence!
5	Al'Ashir - This foreigner from the desert is looking to start his new business in a land far from his home. He is overly accommodating, and typically cooks all the meals himself. If the patrons aren't used to desert cuisine, they may find it particularly on the dry side.
6	Thain D’ulbris - A former adventurer who says he has traveled with all the great heroes though none of his stories match up he is a portly fun loving man. Though he is a bit loud he has ties to the rebels though he doesn’t advertise this other than his rampant and aggressive nationalism he uses as a cover.
7	Lily - This charming, attractive Elven woman always seems to know exactly what to say to cheer up patrons and get them talking. A town drunk swears that she's actually a disguised monster and the head of a local organized crime syndicate.
8	Mimi - This enchanted wizard's familiaapprentice runs the bar, using her telekinetic abilities in place of hands. The bar features a variety of exotic drinks from across the world and even some extraplanar ones (dangerous and highly expensive drinks only available with a reservation and advance order).
9	Nimue - This bright red horned tiefling has spent quite a bit of money on the decor of her bar, which is themed after hell. The barestaurant is upscale, and the food and drinks, while good, are pricy. This is a popular spot for the children of nobility to attend. The bartender has acquired several rocks enchanted with Nystul's Magic Aura, which she has put in the foundations in order to create an "aura of evil" around the place.
10	Kra'ax Three Claw - The hulking Half-Dragon is surprisingly well mannered, but will violently throw out anyone they learn takes part in the trapping of animals. They lost their left foot to an owlbear trap while traveling the wilds and sorely miss going on long treks through the untamed wilderness. Will buy or trade at a very fair price for fresh wild berries and unique stones.
11	Grin Stoneboot - A stout dwarf, with fiery red hair and no beard, that owns and operates a tavern carved entirely from one large stone block. He’s known for his wild tales of his missing flying monkey. Every time one of his patrons asks him something he always manages to lead the conversation toward his missing monkey (Nam). Rumor has it that Grin shaved his beard and won’t regrow it until he finds his lost friend. I’m sure Grin would have a fantastic reward for the player that found poor Nam.
12	Orx Thrallkeep - former gladiator, living his best life running a bar with a solid connection to the local sporting events community and betting parlors. His favorite weapon, a silver trident, is more than just decoration behind the bar.
13	Abeg Two-Smiles - reformed thief, he was horribly scarred by an angry tavern owner during his early life and eventually returned from his adventuring days to not only buy the bar itself but also to help guide young, troubled future thieves by honing their skills and boasts that anyone able to successfully steal a mug from his bar will drink free for a year. So far, none have been able to do so.
14	Juli Wise (formerly Jani the Jannkiller) - druid with a focus on elemental magic, she's laying low for the time being until the next planar alignment allows her return to some mysterious place where her allies are waiting. In the meantime, she's keeping busy and trying get information from every traveler staying at her roadside inn.
15	Herk - a goblin who found the perfect score in treasure hunting - dead adventuring groups. His specialty is building quiet, lethal traps and placing them in front of already-cleared dungeons after the adventurers have entered. They die, he collects the loot and puts it to work building a safe space for his extended family. Remarkably, he's happier running a tavern than he ever was living in dungeons and caves.
16	Josh - A well-mannered ogre. Runs a small tavern on the edge of town, and it's clear that he puts a lot of love into it. His family was kidnapped for a gladiatorial arena, meant to test fighters prowess. Josh could never really stand the sight of blood, so he opted to take on the position of cook for the combatants in the arena. He's very self-conscious about his size, but he's a gentle giant, and a friendly soul. Speaks with a slight New Zealand accent.
17	Weiss and Jaded - an Aasimar and Tiefling Wife/Husband duo. Weiss mans the bar putting patrons to ease with her holy feminine charm while Jaded in the back is the Cook and Brewmaster known for his signature drink Devil Rose Ale. If asked about their relationship they'll simply state that it was originally a joke to screw with friends but they learned to truly love each other.
18	Lurag Strongbrew - Lurag is a retired Dwarven barbarian. He made it his mission in life to find the lost mead recipe of the legendary Dwarven brewer, Gilgoth Honeybeard. Once he retrieved it, he settled down and opened a tavern to share the legendary brew with the world.
19	Meef, Störsk, and Gjël - A trio of gnomes who take turns bussing tables, cooking, and bartending. Tavern is built into the bottom of a cliff-face and the goblins added wooden structure to turn a large hollow into a serviceable, if somewhat cramped for medium and larger characters. They each have small wooden protrusions on tight fitting jerkins that attach on the back of the each shoulder. They use these to boost eachother up and grab things from the top shelves. The food and beverages are mostly fungi-based with some options for everybody. They all complain of the smell if asked to cook meat, but will aquiesce and make the food without further qualm.
20	Kareem Sandjabar - A mage who runs the tavern liberal use of mage hand, unseen servant, summons, and other magical means. Keeps a pet mimic named Boorf in the tavern that likes to prank people by turning into mugs and foot stools. Will pay handsomely for self-washing dishes because he cant stand the way his minions clean them.
21	Elias Alondir - A high elf mage who seems a bit out of place running a tavern. Being a bit of a germaphobe, he has several unseen servants as his wait staff as well as his psudodragon that collects payment and tips. Elias never touches the coins from his customers, instead dumping it all into a chest with Mage Hand and cleaning it later. When the tavern gets busy, the high elf gets a bit of anxiety and copes by letting out small laughs and chuckles as he converses with his patrons. The name of the tavern? The Laughing Mage.
22	Iphin - A minor god of alcohol who got bored just being in his realm, sells stranded drinks for cheep and high quality drink for exorbitant prices, can cure hangovers for a price.
23	Chime - This kenku is the owner and operator of Three Crows tavern/inn. The main drink is made in house and is called the three crows. Upon taking the first drink of a freshly poured Three Crows the drinker feels a burp coming but when they open their mouth to burp they let out three caws (bird sounds) the bigger the drink you take the louder the caws should be, the smaller the sip the more quiet. Chime being a Kenku and having difficulty with communication has signs all around his tavern, not just menu/room and board, but also common sayings and phrases that he’ll point to when he doesn’t feel like interacting Backstory Chime a retired Pirate, he was The first mate to the famous Captain Dread. He retired after he was injured in a battle with the Royal Navy.
24	Littlebob Mancoon is a retired (from adventuring) halfling rogue with prison tattoos on his face. Barrel chested and rather tall for a halfling, he has a dead pan sense of humor but always raises one eyebrow when he's joking. Deep voiced, he is a quick talker who says "ya ya" and "no ya" alot. Always a gambler, he won this tavern called the Way Way in a high stakes game of Kiriki while incarcerated. He has a special where you roll 2 dice and are served drinks according to the outcome. If you roll a 1 and a 2 it's on the house. He also charges half price for those that order in thieves cant.
25	Vorrakas Crixush - Red dragonborn paladin-turned-mercenary-turned tavern owner. Despite suffering great tragedy in his life, he is a stern, yet friendly and fatherly figure. A life-time of adventuring has made him a veritable font of wisdom on the subject, and many up-and-coming adventurers come to him for advice. Runs the Red Fang tavern and inn with his old friend and sworn-brother, the dwarf Hjolthrun Bronzeheart. Mess with his wait staff at your peril. Don't mess with his adoptive drow daughter if you wish to live a long life.
26	Casémone Cosmone - A grey-skinned, brown-haired and ram-horned retired Lyre-playing Bard that runs a feywild-style tavern and claims himself to be a Faun. Drinks and dishes are named after imaginary feywild herbs, shrooms and berries, and tables are engraved with rings to make them look like tree stumps. Truth of the matter is he is simply a Tiefling that looks vaguely Faun-like and attempts to use this as a trick to get customers. Locals are usually aware of this, but an unassuming stranger may find themselves tricked. Despite knowing the trick, locals still come for the unique atmosphere and Casémone's bright smile and relentless dedication to the facade.
27	Hjolthrun Bronzeheart - Dwarven ex-mercenary, now part-owner and brewmaster of the Red Fang tavern and inn. A jolly old soul always willing to share a few tales to anyone who asks. Spends his days experimenting with new types of alcoholic drinks, from making wine from watermelons to trying to recreate an old recipe that includes slime from a gelatinous cube. His most prized possession is a reinforced dwarven adamantine beer stein his calls Fimbul'kheled (Great Mug). Mess with his wait staff are your peril. Don't mess with his drow sworn-niece if you wish to live a long life.
28	Aialla, a human bard who failed to make it in the big city and now runs an inn focused on performances. This way she can play all she wants. She's not amazing but not horrible either. Here anyone can play or read. In fact you need to perform or the price of your meal is doubled. What you perform is up to you, but each customer must do something on stage to get the discount.
29	Angus Throwbeard - a surly dwarf that walks around on stilts, making him seven and a half foot tall.
30	Dirk Prophet- Assimar Bartender with a love of spiced and mulled drinks. He stands at 6'5" and has golden hair with silver freckles. The most popular drink he makes is called Celestials call, it is 3 part vodka, one part berry juice, bitters and a sprinkling of mint and spices and a touch of silver dust. A retired bard he has his lute about the bar and can sometimes be caught playing on slow nights.
31	Boogle the Gnome - He has a pack of weasels that help him tend the bar.
32	Fizz the Kenku - who repeats your order back in your own voice. The "Fizz" is literally the sound of a sudsy beer being poured.
33	Father Endros - Tends bar at a location run by the local church. He and his fellow monks brew beer in the name of their diety.
34	Misty Spring - A hard as nails half elf who was raised by a nature loving human parent and now hates that lifestyle, almost as much as she hates her name. She hasn't left the confines of the city she lives in for years.
35	Floria - A sweet halfling barkeep who just wants to be everyone's mother. She has her regular's meals waiting for them when they clock out of their shifts. She is VERY attentive with her patrons.
36	Umlog and Nevell aka "the beauty and the beast". Umlog is a literal troll, yet an extraordinary one. He's as intelligent as a troll can be and actually not a bad fellow. He is well read and has particularly deep knowlegde of local laws. He acquired his tavern in a remote deal via an exchange of letters. No one knew a troll was the buyer, before the deal was done. People in this area -close to the feywoods- are very keen on honoring deals and contracts and thus, somewhat begrudgingly abstained from gathering their torches and pitchforks. The success of the "Green side of Life" -that's the name of the tavern- is not only based on Umlog's craftiness, though. A nymph named Nevell works in the tavern at the side of Umlog. She is hospitality personified, a skilled chef, baker and singer. Nobody except them seems to know how they ended up together, but they run a really homely place in a village on the edge of civilization.
37	Pierce "Ears" Moldun, a balding human with normal sized, non-pierced ears, is the owner of Sweet Relethe. He is always looking down, at the drink he is pouring, the bar he is polishing, or the food he is cooking. He is a man of few words. Tell him, "Ears, I need to give away a story," and leave a proper sum on the bar. You will know what his service is worth if you truly need it. It may be expensive, but rarely more than one can pay. The price is different for every story, but if you do not offer enough, he will know after a quick glance at you. He will shake his head and continue with his work. If your coin is sufficient, he will nod his head, then get the dark blue bottle down from the top shelf. Slowly. Carefully. The bottle is beautifully made, but you find yourself unable to describe it apart from the color. He will pour a tiny shot, small as a thimble, before replacing the bottle and pulling you a beer to go with it. He will tell you that it's best to drop the shot in the beer then drink it slowly as you tell your story. It is best to trust him on this. As you begin your story, he will look up at you with eyes the same color as the bottle, and you will not be able to look away. He will listen intently as you tell your story, and as the words pass your lips they will also pass out of your memory. The regulars say that even if someone is sitting right next to you, they will not hear a word, just the quiet mumbling of a slow moving river. You will leave Sweet Relethe no longer possessed by your story, not in the slightest upset at your expenditure, and quick to recommend Ears of Sweet Relethe to anyone who seems in need of his service.
38	Ripzicki Papqat - Gnomish owner of "The Shimmer and Shine," Rip is known for drinks that pack a punch stronger than their small size lets on. An accomplished but eccentric alchemist, Rip has taken to testing out the effects of his drinks at his inn.
39	Shanassa the Viridescent - Dryad owner of "The Cornicopia," Shanassa's inn is actually a tree magically manipulated to house guests. Unfortunately, she had to close down the tables balanced on branches until she could figure out how to get drunk customers to stop falling off.
40	Arthur "Art" Igneous Ficer - Art is a an average sized fellow with sallow skin and sunken eyes. To give you an idea of his general appearance: despite owning a bar and inn for travelers, it looks like Art is the one that really could use some rest. But Art is a pleasant man with a passion for magically enchanted items. He gladly will talk to any traveler with such an item about the item. He finds it all fascinating. He will tell you that he used to dabble a little, but he couldn't find too many volunteers. So, he opened a bar and inn, and that pays pretty well. He keeps the price low, and that keeps travelers coming in. If you decide to stay for the night, all weapons need to be left in his care before you head up to your rooms. He's had too many drunken fights break out in the dormitory area, he will tell you. For any party member that blacks out at the bar or decides to stay the night, the DM must roll a D4 when the party member checks out of the inn. You see, Art never did give up his love of magic item creation, and he is desperately working on figuring out how to enchant weapons and items in a single night. DM rolled a 4? Surprise! An item of yours, at the DM's choosing, has acquired a properly functioning effect, also of your DM's choosing! Rolled a 3? Well, it's the same as 4, except the DM will also roll a 1d10 on your every use/attack, and a 1 will mean that your item misfired in wild magic (DM's choice). A 2? Oof. Well, it is the same as rolling a 3, except your item is completely unmagical except for the 1d10 chance of wild magic. And if the DM rolls a 1, then you were significantly robbed of either money or an item. Making magical weapons and items costs a lot, after all, and Art has a bit of rogue in him, it seems. Also, for any night a party member stays at the inn, there is a 1d6 chance of an unsatisfactorily explained small fire breaking out overnight. The following morning after such a fire, Art normally looks a little worse for wear.
41	Judy Krom - Owner of the Dog's Ear Inn, she learned a spell of invisibility to "clean up messes". most patrons are none the wiser but casting a spell to see invisible things reveals that the cups and bar top are coated with years of dirt and grime. The town isn't really sure why people are getting so sick all the time but the bar is always packed because Judy is such a charismatic person. She'll tell you stories for hours, but none of them are true.
42	Will Hornton - This bar called The Screaming Pickle has been in his family for 5 generations. People come from miles around for his pickle hooch. He never married and has no son to pass the bar to and it's getting late in his years. However, the business has slowed since the latest news of the campaign has scared customers off and he isn't sure he will have had anything to pass on to a kin anyway.
43	Abigail Turnsprout - A jolly halfling who is an avid gardener. She spices her drinks with unique herbs grown in her garden just behind her tavern, The Tipsy Turnip. Her prized Top Shelf Brew has a secret recipe of herbs and spices that many have tried and failed to obtain.
44	Tally- an older, buff halfling woman who speaks with a country accent and repeatedly calls the players "honey." Used to be an adventurer and tells stories of the fights she once found herself in.
45	Bob, Jim, and Clyde- three gnomes in a trenchcoat. They all have completely different personalities, opinions of different races, and pricing. They go by whatever the name is of the gnome whose head is on top that day!
46	Oldeye Jasper - An elderly human with one white lazy eye. He's warm and inviting to people who come into his bar, but if you let him, he'll talk to you for hours about his conspiracy theories like Lizardfolk secretly running the kingdom, or Fey leaving changelings in place of local children, and the mayor being secretly a swarm of pixies in disuse. But these are just the ramblings of an old man. Right?...
47	Sweeps - An animated broomstick that serves drinks and cleans the tavern 24/7. This would be extremely advantageous if he weren't so incredibly clumsy. He was made by the previous owner and now the current owners don't know how to get rid of him.
48	Sloppy' Joe Reznar. A Half Orc who earned his nickname for often being drunker than his customers.
49	Tivali - A female tabaxi with 5 young kids all the same age who love roaming around the tables asking adventurers tons of questions. They will sometimes place wagers or entertain for money in order to compete with their siblings for who can make the most money in one night. If they were to ever get into trouble, Tivali would suddenly be there scooping them into her arms. She's a racing champion who's known to be able to run faster than a falcon can fly.
50	The Tavern - There is no tavern keeper because this magical tavern is it's own keeper. Food appears on tables seconds after ordering it, and all you must do to pay is toss coins onto the wooden floor which immediately disappear without even a sound. There are no rooms available in this tavern, it is simply for enjoyment only. Those who forget to pay the bill tend do go missing the next day...
51	Amie, Aedricks, and Harlen. Triplets who’ve inherited a tavern. They are a Human, Elf, and Half-Elf and the Human and Elf are always feuding, leaving the Half-Elf to mediate. When the heroes arrive, the two are in such a bad fight, it must be resolved before the party can rest there for the night.
52	Elane of Juunvanfel. She is a young bartender, daughter of the ancient bartender who was a mythomaniac. Everyone knows it, but He was harmless. He was saying he was a prince of a far away land called Juunvanfel, but no one believe him. Elane talk about it with a lot of humour, and there's no chance she is really a princess. But she is really kind and charismatic, and everyone in town called her Little Queen. (if you want the lie to be true, why not!)
53	Drubogg. An orc (or half-orc) who was a raider in the past. After 15 years of jail, the local authority had free him with mercy. One of the tavern in the town was dying because the bartender was very sick, and Drubogg help him to run his business. Since 3 year, this impressive orc are a meticulous bartender and the town seems to accept him quit gently, even with his violent past. He take care of the previous bartender with a cold, but sincere kindness.
54	Jomag and Marsia. A couple who run the tavern since 20 years. The love between them is still joyful. But sometimes, they seems to be quit melancholic. If the players want to know something about it, the bartenders don't want to spread the information. But the customers will respond : they suffer they can't have children. Maybe, if one day the PCs find an orphan, they can make them very happy.
55	One-Day-He. A clever halfling who is a sorcerer who had change his name to make a contract with a powerful, but naive, Wealth Spirit. After 10 years of labor in this tavern, he will have access to an impressive amount of gold. Technically, he trade his soul... but the contract say "One-day-he will give me his soul after he receive the gold.". He's very happy and boastful about that. Maybe he's not so clever, because it's obvious for the PCs that all rogue people in town just wait the day who One-Day-He will receive the gold to steal him. Maybe the Wealth Spirit is vexed to had been so naive, and will exchange the soul of One-Day-He with a lot of gold? Who knows!
56	Holt - A man in his mid thirties whos never left the town- and doesn't intend to. He knows everyone, and everyone knows him, and seems to owe him a favor. He's always willing to help out, going to great lengths to do so, and is very warm and welcoming to all in his tavern. The patrons of his tavern return his favors, and as such he holds many regular customers, many of who will jumpy quick to stop a destructive bar fight.
57	Nora Durthane and Agnes Baumann, a dwarf and human couple. Agnes keeps the ledger, walking through the tavern room like a queen through court, greeting every patron with a smile. Nora runs the kitchens, providing hearty fare for adventurers and locals. Their tiefling son helps run the bar and remove belligerent patrons.
58	Trish One-Eye - Owner and operator of the rickety old dive bar down by the docks. An old woman with a red embroidered eyepatch and short grey hair. She secretly can talk to rodents, and so can be an excellent source of rumors and information, if you get on her good side. Serves a spicy 'meat stew' which may or may not be made of cat. Will tell lewd jokes and talk shit about her ex-girlfriends if you get her drunk.
59	Eigen Renn: A tall, heavily built human with a smirking smile and an exceptionally loud laugh. Always knows just what to say to break up a fight or set up favorite patrons for romance. Full of stories, most of which are obvious lies that you can't help but half believe. Remembers everyone's first name, their drink, their birthday, their type, and their misadventures (which he will happily and loudly relate to the entire bar--but all in good fun). Ruddy faced, with scant blond hair and tired, grey-blue eyes. He brags that he is son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a tavernkeeper, who was son of a fallen princess and a tavern keeper. He isn't. He also isn't Eigen Renn. In another time and a distant country he had another name, the name of a slave trader notorious for his charm and cunning. He dealt in "specialties:" finding just the right slave for your particular, and highly expensive taste. Children, oddities, half-breeds, even sentient monsters were all his trade. Rumor says he once sold a nobleman his own son after faking the boy's death. Another says he sold two rivals to each other, then sold both to a particularly inventive necromancer. Nothing was beneath him, and no one was beyond his reach. An elaborate magical ruse allowed him to escape his old life (with pockets full of gold and magical protections for his "retirement"), he now amuses himself playing tavern keeper and practicing his own slaver's skills by manipulating the lives of his clients. Whether his enemies find him again--and if they do whether he is worth saving--is up to you.
60	Bart Keep - an irresponsible innkeeper who runs a shoddy tavern. The food and drinks are low quality, brawls happen too often, a lot of stuff get stolen, and one time a pack of rats invaded the tavern. And he never notices because he says that he's busy with 'other things'. And when he means other things, he means looking at erotic literature and pleasuring himself. No wonder no one even bothered to shut down his tavern yet.
61	Alice Bob - An innkeeper of a tavern with a horrible reputation who tries her hardest to make her tavern better, and yet she only makes things worse. Turns out that the tavern is cursed by a witch after Alice refused to serve her, thus cursing the tavern with bad luck.
62	Xaero Xsisth: A lizardfolk woman, exiled in her youth from her tribe for being highly intelligent, which lizardfolk generally shun. Growing up in the shadows and alleys of a grand city, she learned how to cook, bake, brew and serve by observation. Asking her any question about tribal life may cause her to have an emotional breakdown. Xaero loves hearing tales of daring and adventure and if the story is good enough, she may just let you have a snack for free!
63	Jasmine Mcaull - A blue macaw parrot aarokocroa who serves up any rum-based drink with a song and a smile. She often requests bards to try their hand at playing salsa music in her tavern and is known to give a couple of unsolicited tips to the adventurers that seem to appreciate the unusual music. Her tavern stands out for its bright colors and attempts at island decor.
64	Torin Pliedes - A solicitous satyr who spends half his time behind the bar and half his time tormenting the serving wenches. He has a permanent "Help Wanted" sign in the window as he's a cruddy boss and most don't tolerate his attentions for long. He's so preoccupied that half the time he pours the beer but doesn't collect the money he's owed.
65	Falstaff Argon - A stout half-orc who boasts about his accomplishments as an adventurer and proudly displays his war axe on an ebony plaque behind the bar. He challenges adventurers to take the bigger jobs and bigger hunts if he hears them deliberating in his tavern. He was injured badly in his last adventure and decided only then to retire, though it is clear he misses the life. He pays nobly for a good stag or boar and is known to post hunts of unusual creatures that plague the area.
66	Grimm - This tavern is actually run by a number of different people and the main bartender switches out every single day to an entirely new person - but behind the scenes, it’s just a single changeling practicing their acting.
67	Illia the Wise: A handsome dwarf woman, Illia is actually Illixthalix, an adult Gold Dragon who is locked in her dwarf form due to a run-in with a Fey spirit decades ago. Became a tavern keeper initially to keep her ear to the ground to try and find someone who could break the curse, but has found that she quite likes living amongst mortals. The local government is aware of her true draconic nature, and she has a tense agreement to advise them on matters concerning dragons, historical events, and magic items in exchange for them not causing her trouble. She can temporarily assume her true form, but doing so causes a good deal of discomfort and she is unable to hold the form for longer than a few moments (quite long enough to intimidate unruly patrons to settle down however). Is THE expert on the architecture and infrastructure of the now-nonexistant country of Grecciyn and has authored four books on the subject.
68	Talensvar - Talensvar is a highly civilized ogre who dresses eloquently every night and keeps an immaculate establishment. The servers are all well-dressed, well-spoken and polite. Some are half-orcs, and some of the kitchen staff and plate clears dishwashers etc are goblins as well as human. It's a high-end inn. my game talents are lost two of his friends under mysterious circumstances in a battle and will pay adventurers to find them. He is well spoken polite tolerant, everything you don't expect an ogre to be. However he doesn't put up with any nonsense, except from a friend of his who's a local hedge wizard, who will be happy to join a party just for some pay at the end of it. He uses spells that often spectacularly fail, usually with somewhat comic but not too harmful results.
69	Rondo “Double Dizzy” Thimblebottom: A retired Gnome Ranger Beastmaster who hung up his adventuring cap after his lifelong friend and pet Giant Badger, Dizzy, was slain in combat. He’s now the proprietor of Dizzy’s Pub, a dive-y but well-loved pub by locals who come to hear Rondo recount tales of his adventuring days, some comical, some downright frightening. A giant painting (by gnome standards, it’s only 60”x48”) of Dizzy curled up resting under a tree is adorned above a fireplace in the pub.
70	Gina and Reyna, Gina is a kenku woman who owns the tavern and helps run it if the party has any questions she will point to Reyna her adopted daughter and tell them 'Ask Reyna'. Reyna is a half eleven girl that is 19 she has been teaching Gina how to talk more and is more then willing to answer any of the party's questions.
71	Tolbin Shortwick, a halfling rouge who speaks thieves' cant and has a few drugs and basic potions that you can get if you speak thieves' cant to him. There are investigations on people getting robbed at other taverns and with further investigation you will learn it was Tolbin or if you speak thieves' cant Tolbin will tell you it was him.
72	Chopper - A half-orc who cultivates rumors that they chop off body parts of those who dont pay their tab. They keep a few bottles on display with fingers and toes preserved inside, and have a ritual requiring those who want to start a tab, "Kiss the Toe" by taking a drink from one of the bottles. Truth is, Chopper secretly knows a Gravedigger who can procure parts, no questions asked.
73	Sweet Leaves - A small treant. The only type of alcohol that's served in their establishment is a special kind of Kirsch. This is because Sweet Leaves makes all their alcohol with their own cherries. As a result, Sweet Leaves' tavern is small but popular to a small group interested in the Kirsch.
74	Virtus Swifttail - A slightly overweight centaur in his late 20s who decided that he preferred city life over the nomadic life of his former tribe. While he's chatty and provides good service, he often ends up bumping things accidentally with his horse half.
75	Barrus Fymar - A large human man who's in his early 60s who towers over most of his guests. He used to be a paladin adventurer, but he lost his sword arm during a battle with a nightwalker and retired to become a tavern keep. He still displays the magical greatsword he used on his journey inside his tavern, but it's now unusable by him.
76	Sinead, Iron Golem operator of J.J. Killahans - Sinead was originally conjured as a bouncer for the rowdy establishment. The original owner, J.J., left the bar to Sinead in his will. Sinead runs the bar, though hospitality is often beyond her reach. She plays the same 3 tavern songs on a 15 minute loop, as 15 minutes is more than adequate time for a customer to consume their drink (and promptly leave).
77	Silent Joey is abnormal because he's, well, silent. Normally this would be an unacceptable obstacle for a bartender, but Joey is a master drink-maker and surprisingly good at interacting with customers. He's a very good listener, too.
78	Greenscarf Tabitha has the power of appearance-changing but can't control it. She wears a green scarf so others can identify her, as it's anyone guess what face you'll see when you walk in each evening.
79	Malamenmar is a polite and talkative guy who runs a quiet inn on a mountain road. But once a month a mysterious man comes into the bar and Malamenmar drops everything to cater to this guy. If pressed he will reply that the man is a very dear friend and he values his comfort highly.
80	Ranold & Ezra Nikos are brothers. Outgoing Ranold tends bar, reserved Ezra handles the supplies and finances. The strange thing is that the two are never seen in the same place at once.
81	A blind bartender that doesn’t realize his formerly-white rag is dirtying the glasses, but he still keeps perfect track of who orders what.
82	Kurdran Brewhammer - This Dwarf is the last remaining Brewhammer, legendary brewers that were known far and wide for a huge variety of beers. Kurdran is a retired adventurer who loves battle and action. He has a tall orange mohawk and a big bushy beard and is extremely proud of his family heritage. He's very friendly and loves to tell tales of his various adventures, but if provoked he is a fierce barbarian. With a swig of beer, he's ready to brawl!
83	Captain Andor Gray is the innkeeper of Sparrow's Rest. He was the captain of the Night Wind, a smuggling ship, but is now earning a mostly honest living. He retired after a shipwreck that killed most of his crew. He still keeps "Pickle", a green parrot, who can usually be found in the common room. The bird will squawk "awk stay outta the grog awk" whenever someone refills their mug from the cask that Gray keeps out, free for the sailors who can't afford better. You can almost always find a fence buying goods there (no questions asked), and rumors say there's a hidden tunnel from the cellar that leads under the city wall to an abandoned quarry.
84	Joost is the friendly innkeeper of the Crown and Crescent inn. He's either a very tall dwarf, or maybe a half-dwarf (no one's sure, and he won't say). He has rust-colored hair and a braided beard, which he tucks into his apron.
85	Kósh is the half-orc innkeeper of the Outside Inn, just outside the city of Redcliff. He named it, but he doesn't really get the joke. Surprisingly, the inn does good business, even though it has few amenities except for a large stable and a good location if you're just passing through the city.
86	Zhirella is the attractive female half-elf innkeeper (and madame) of the Golden Bush tavern. It's very popular for its high-class courtesans.
87	Egan 'Rusty' Ironmane is the dwarf innkeeper of the Silver Eel Tavern. He was formerly a fisherman and before that a soldier.
88	Hard'ach "Hardy" Sl'avis - A dragonborn with the mannerisms of a dwarf, he inherited his tavern from his grandfather, Sil'bahn. He has a knack for making spicy meals for his patrons, and is quite a friend to make, knowing all of the goings-on in the town.
89	Cressida and Corinth Vor Haishen - a Dwarven couple with an adopted minotaur for a son far taller than either of them. They'll give you a discount if you can tell their son a story that'll keep him entertained for a bit, and want your input on where to send such a curious young boy to learn more. An academy, a monastery, they want input!
90	Skaesgolr the Tired - Skaesgolr the Tired of the Uthgardt will tolerate near enough anything, a fair fight is welcome, but assassins and thieves are not. He has much pride, and still believes he honours Uthgar, both with his past, and his present. His greatest achievement, a Giant sized great axe, it can be seen broken and damaged, hung in it’s ruined majesty on the rear wall above the bar. Anyone who challenges his idea or faith in his God will be challenged to a fight and/or be made to leave. Growing tired of finding the next great challenge, he claims that if Uthgar wants him to die in some great battle, it will have to find him - here he will wait... warm, well fed, with a belly fully of ale and a sack full of silver.
91	Molly Rexxen - A red-headed human female who always wears a bandana over her hair. She's a retired high level fighter who was once a soldier, and was ridiculed because she was a woman amongst the guard. When her city was surprised attacked by a neighboring band of monsters, she devised a plan and led the charge that protected the city with no casualties. After this, she turned down a promotion and quit to build her tavern and create an adventuring guild.
92	Modeus Jackson - a retired high level bard who runs "The Pocket" Inn. Often humming as he works and any action he does seems to follow the rhythm to an unheard song. In fact anyone who stays in "The Pocket" for long enough will find their actions more rhyrhmic than usual, joining in a symphony of synchronized cultery clanking, mastication, foot tapping under harmonising musical conversations and even melodious arguments. Modeus takes extra delight in serving Bard patrons who bring their own instruments and will offer discounts and advice in return for a quick performance.
93	Krall Razorthorn - Former half-orc warrior turned tavern owner, he exchanged his armor for a tuxedo. He runs a high class tavern called The Silk Sheik Tavern, specializing in dainty cocktails and high end drinks.
94	Borgrarg - Having amassed a fortune adventuring, this dwarf opened Drink. The tavern hasn't make so much as a copper piece in 4 years. He's been drunk all this time giving away drinks to anyone who walks in the door. Lucky for him, he's located in a small village, now known for its sobriety.
95	Marty Oggbin - smallish, middle-aged human, with a slight hunch on his back. Born and raised locally. Marty is forever the optimist and mysteriously manages to spin any traveler's downtrodden tale. He often gives away food to those most in need.
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Soft Guide to starting Total War Warhammer II

G'day all, this is a compilation of general pointers for the game, my motivation to write this is the result of people I know purchasing the game and streamers I've watched that are new to the game and looking for guidance.
Topics:

New campaign priorities
Economics
Development
Diplomacy
Army composition
Tactics
Mechanics
Summary

NEW CAMPAIGN
The first thing you will want to do is take in your surroundings, look at the lay of the land and pay attention to roads and rivers as these impact the distance your armies can move per turn. Different terrain types modify the odds of successfully ambushing opponents so areas where roads skirt forests are prime positions. You can see what the modifier is by hovering your mouse over the land.
Right now you have three key objectives.

Promoting growth which is a stat that modifies how rapidly your cities and towns will reach a point of expansion allowing for more construction slots and recruitment of superior units.
You will want to develop a strong economy as armies cost wealth to recruit and maintain.
Open the diplomacy window and see what your relationship with your neighbors is.

ECONOMICS
There are numerous ways to generate income, not all of the following is available to all factions. The first and most direct way is via constructing buildings that provide income, when you mouse over potential structures in the building tab you can see an overview of what they provide. Trade agreements are another effective means of generating wealth and when reviewing a proposed trade agreement understand that you do not have a finite supply of the widgets you're exporting so you need not concern yourself with the dollavolume ratio; the gold value you see displayed is what each of the participating factions stands to profit from the agreement per turn.
You could also turn to raiding but this has diplomatic consequences and can lead to war so it's best avoided until you have sufficient military might to repel hostile forces. Upon successfully attacking an opponents holdings and winning the fight you are presented with numerous options on how to proceed, one of which is to loot the place and this can generate a lot of wealth but also makes you quite unpopular with the faction that owns the city/settlement and will further penalize your diplomatic standing with them.
DEVELOPMENT
Locations fall into one of two categories, cities and minor settlements. If you own a city and all minor settlements associated with it you posses what's called a province. You can see which locations are paired with others by clicking on any location, this will display a window showing the city and a banner with the locations name, any other location banners you see in that window are places linked to the city.
A province will never contain more than one city though some provinces only contain a city with no minor settlements associated with them. Once you obtain control of a province you can issue a province-wide decree, these are typically very useful and quite powerful modifiers that are a great boon so they should always be a strong point of consideration when expanding your holdings.
It is far more efficient to complete existing provinces before expanding into new lands. Think of the board game Monopoly, if you complete the set you can build houses and hotels. Speaking of construction, bear in mind that cities can grow to tier V (5) and minor settlements can grow to tier III (3) and keep that fact in mind when choosing where to place structures. It isn't very efficient to build a building chain that commences at tier II or III & concludes at tier IV or V in a minor settlement.
DIPLOMACY
Despite the fact the game's called Total War: Warhammer diplomacy is just as important as military might, in some cases, more so. If you upset too many factions simultaneously you will suffer for it and it may lead to the premature conclusion of your campaign and four gits having a chortle somewhere...
(You will lose)
If you march armies into foreign lands without invitation you will annoy the land owner, if you raid others lands you will annoy the land owner, if you enter non-aggression pacts or trade agreements with a faction you will annoy those who look unfavorably upon the faction you're dealing with. Your actions have consequences.
You can garner favor with others by entering into agreements with them, gifting them wealth, waging war against factions that are hostile toward the race you're seeking to befriend and returning their property to them. It is highly beneficial to have friends in this game, they can help secure your borders or reinforce you during times of conflict or act as a political buffer to prevent others from bullying you and taking your lunch money.
If you look toward the bottom right corner of your H.U.D you will spot the diplomacy button, I strongly suggest having a poke around in there and noting what sorts of relationships exist between your immediate neighbors so you know the kind of neighborhood you're living in.
Don't be afraid to go to war, just don't overdo it.
ARMY COMPOSITION
This can be rough for new players so do not fret if you don't nail it right away. As a general rule of thumb combat follows some guidelines which I will summarize.
Regular Infantry > Pole-arm Infantry > Large > Regular Infantry
Lads with clubs, hammers, swords, daggers, axes and other shorter weaponry tend to perform well and do better against infantry with pole-arm weaponry such as spears/halberds/long pointy things and unless there's a notable discrepancy in unit health/leadership/tier or another factor to overcompensate you can expect the regular infantry to come out on top.
Pole-arm infantry are very effective against anything large which typically refers to something the size of a horse of larger which means cavalry, monstrous models or squads, anything that looks... Well, large.
Large things are very effective against infantry that is not equipped with pole-arms and large models tend to have more mass making them effective for barreling through defensive lines like shield walls, disrupting squad formations and busting through choke-points and other annoyances you may encounter.
There are numerous things that do not fit inside of that basic exchange and you can expect anything outside of that exchange to lose to anything inside of it, in melee. This means regular infantry or pole-arm infantry or cavalry/monsters will all overwhelm wizards/missile infantry/artillery in melee. Having said this...
There are *always* exceptions.
In general, ranged or auxiliary squads/models do not belong in melee and will not perform well in melee so if you see archers or crossbow men or a caster dressed in a bath robe it's a safe bet you can trample them with cavalry and put an end to them. The exceptions I warn of are rare; the High Elves for example have infantry called Lothern Sea Guard who are hybrid infantry equipped with a long bow and a spear, there's two flavors available (vanilla or vanilla with sprinkles) as they're available with or without shields.
Trampling archers with cavalry is great but running cavalry into an infantry blob that pulls out spears (anti-large) is not good, it is in fact bad. The best advice I can give here is simply pay attention whilst you play the game and over time you will discern when things are not as they seem at first glance.
With the basic guidelines for combat in mind I would recommend recruiting an array of troops that covers a mix of roles to begin with. Missile troops are fantastic, so is artillery but if they're engaged in melee they will not fire so you require defenders to hold the lines and allow the ranged orientated elements of your force to do their job. Get a strong core of infantry, some pole-arms and some ranged.
Experiment with various compositions and find what works for you. Massed ranged units is quite popular but not the only way to play, be creative. If you don't mind more micromanagement go ahead and add some cavalry to your army, it's non essential for everyone bar Bretonnia but no harm in using it and consider some hammer an' anvil tactics.
TACTICS
Victory is not just won on the field of battle. You can begin working toward your opponents demise before battle is joined and this is where agents and other forms of preparation come into play. Certain structures will allow for the recruitment of agents which are powerful assets that have a wide range of skills, they can sabotage enemy provinces/armies, recon distant lands, spot ambushes, increase your economic strength or boost growth in a province or root out corruption among other things.
They can be assigned to an army to act as an officer where they will boost morale and be a powerful presence on the field of battle. Agents can also make effective bodyguards if your lord/commander is a spell caster who is not suited to melee.
You should also consider your stance, many factions have access to a field war camp allowing your lads to rest and recover between battles. You can make use of ambushes to gain a tremendous advantage in battles; some can enter a channeling stance in which a portion of your maximum movement distance is traded in exchange for access to a deeper pool of winds of magic which is the resource used to cast spells during battles. Review the stances available to your faction and consider how best to capitalize on them.
TACTICS 2.0
During battles keep leadership in mind as it's in many ways more important than a units combat ability or their health.
If a unit routs (runs out of courage) they will attempt to flee the battle. There is a chance they will regain their courage and rally but it is impacted by a number of factors; even if they do rally you will still need to order them to return to the fight.
Combat tactics could be an entire lengthy post unto itself and there's already many good youtube videos on the topic so I will list some simple basics.

Do not let your missile infantry/artillery/wizards get engaged in melee
Keep the general rule of thumb about combat in mind
If you see or can create an opportunity to surround your opponent - take it
Try and keep your lord/agents close to the bulk of the fight for leadership bonuses

MECHANICS
All factions have interesting and unique mechanics, get familiar with them and use them to your advantage. The Greenskins for example can move their entire movement allowance then enter the raiding camp stance as it does not have a movement cost for them; that's a very powerful mechanic and should be taken advantage of.
Some lords have unique mechanics beyond their skill trees. Grombrindal can receive boons from Dawi Gods and Grom hosts Goblin Hells Kitchen so explore your chosen faction and lord. Have patience, take the time to read tool-tips and you will learn so much more than this post can teach you.
SUMMARY
I hope this soft guide has given you a better sense of how to start your own journey of learning about this game. It can feel pretty overwhelming if this is your first Total War experience and what I have listed here is nothing in comparison to the amount there is to learn in the game; my goal was not to teach you everything you need to know but rather to give you a starting point and the confidence to give it a go.

Best of luck to you. (check the comment section below because there's bound to be info. volunteered by posters)

( Empire rules ~ everyone else drools)

Keeper of the necronomicon part 5

Under the sea
We travelled for hours under water covering a great distance, in the Nautilus the legendary submarine who had once been piloted by Captain Nemo on his undersea adventures.
The genius Sasquatch had of course made some improvements to the submarine, making it more fit for under water warfare.
These upgrades would come on handy soon…
In the submarine was me the keeper of the Necronomicon
The book of the dead made out of human flesh and written in human blood, the book I had lost and the book we must now recover, Lubna my love the Arabic woman with telekinetic powers, Poseidon king of the sunken city of Atlantis, Sanna the vampiric angel wearing sir Lancelot’s armor, and of course the bigfoot was piloting the submarine.
-You know what bigfoot, we never got your name, what is it? I a sked my hairy apelike friend with feet the size of newborn babies.
-We sasquatches, are not much for names, you can call me Chewie like my favorite Star Wars character.
-Well then, Chewie it is! Me and Lubna said at the same time.
We both joined each other in laughter.
-I was thinking maybe you should let the vampire girl suck some of your blood, you have the mad Arabs blood in you so you can grab the Necronomicon but only you, it would be most useful if Sanna would also gain the ability.
-Excellent idea! King Poseidon liked the idea.
-I concur, as long as the vamp/angel girl don’t mind? Chewie asked.
-Oh, I don’t mind at all, Sanna removed her helmet and began to suck blood from my arm, it felt strange and funny as she drained me, but I was alright. My blood was joined with the blood of Christ that she had already sucked from Jens, the man had aided us in our quest but met with an most unfortunately end at the end of the sharp tip of the spear of destiny, the very same spear that had penetrated his ancestor Jesus Christ.
It was something poetic about it.
-But wait, I wont turn into a vampire now, and wait again maybe you SHOULD turn me into a vampire, maybe the whole team? Having the whole team gaining the skills of vampires could prove useful. I told the girl.
-I honestly don’t know… But I think not, not every vampire can in fact make other vampires, if we could the world would have been overrun with vampires long ago, only vampire overlords… Nosferatu like Van Hellsing was before he died, can in fact make other vampires….
-Oh, the irony the greatest vampire hunter turned into a vampire himself, I wonder how that happened? Poseidon the Atlantean king asked.
-That is one of many things I wish to discuss with that bearded bastard and old fool, Merlin! I proclaimed in anger.
-You and me both buddy, but now its time for action enemy approaching, great white sharks, BIG ones, a snaketopus, and a small army of squid men up ahead.
-What the fuck is a “snaketopus”? I asked bewildered
-Just as it sounds, a giant octopus, with snake arms instead of tentacles and a giant mouth with sharp teeth, it has been terrorizing the deeps and eating many of my people alive.
LET’S KILL THIS FUCKER!
Time for some action
Chewie was piloting the sub and I of course was the shooter,
Rest of the team helped with launching the torpedoes.
First two torpedoes hit the head of two of the ugly snake arms, killing them both, exploding and turning the water red with the blood from the heads and blown of tentacles filling the water… the sharks were hungry and could sense the blood from miles away.
There were hammer headed sharks, saw sharks, tiger striped sharks, grey sharks, but worst of all the great white shark.
They, were all fighting for the blown of tentacle bits, and biting at the snake-topus leftover tentacles still attached
To its hideous body. Some of the sharks fought each other for the leftovers. The great white decided to end the fighting and bit a smaller shark in half.
I aimed at the snaketopuses hideous body/mouth in the middle between its arms, I hit it right in its open ugly mouth and it exploded from the inside out, filling the sea water with its bloods and guts, hideous intestines.
-Great work kid, that shot was one in a million! Chewie, the sasquatch praised my skill full shot.
Wow, that bigfoot REALLY loved star wars , who would have knew?
-But, chewie please tell me you don’t love the Disney movies? I asked him.
-Fuck, Disney, fuck Kathleen Kennedy and fuck marREYsue,
The force was ALWAYS partly female, Princess Leia was a powerful a strong woman way before rey and rose tico.
My man. This Bigfoot was a man of culture. Princess Leia in that golden bikini in jabbas palace was when I learned a woman, can be more interesting than a Nintendo game.
Just a boy becoming a man. But I was not going to ask a fucking big foot about his fapping habits, if bigfoots even did those things, I was not going to find out in the middle of an epic under water battle anyway. I guess some things are better left alone anyway.
-I am summoning my comrades in arms, the great whales.
Poseidon the king of Atlantis. Could of course command sea life with his mind, and I know people give Aqua man a rough time, but there is much more then fish living in the deep.
- The fucking sharks don’t listen to my command! They are all deemed traitors from now on by me, Poseidon king atlantis the sunken city, ruler of the seven seas.
The great whales came, orcas the black and white killer whale you might have seen at sea world, the big blue whales, gray whales with their humps on their backs, narwhal with their long spear like tusks, but most of all the MVP, the big kahuna, the blue whale biggest animal on planet earth.
Its heart is the size of Volkswagen beetle, it must eat four tons of krill each day to live, there were four of them, all hungry with open giant mouths opened and swallowing the army of squid men who opposed us in our quest to R`lyeh the stone prison of great CLUTHULU.
A yellow submarine appeared, it torpedoed one of the blue whales, sharks were fighting and biting each other just to get a taste of the whales sweet, sweet blown of flesh.
Mermaids were cutting sharks and poking their eyes with knives, some of them had underwater spear guns and shoot the sharks straight in the face, killing a few.
Atlanteans riding great sea horses cut the head of hammerhead sharks, and cut some of the smaller sharks in halves, but the great whites proved to big a challenge and some of them bit our men in two, and some were swallowed whole.
Chewie kept our sub out of harms way, and I kept shooting torpedoes, killing many great whites, the rest seemed scared and retreated, it appeared we had the upper hand,
But the yellow submarine was still out there.
Another blue whale was killed in action leaving us with two down and two alive, its giant body was floating dead in the water, massive amount of blood from the dead whale filled the water sending the sharks into a kill frenzy.
Poseidon summoned a powerful underwater current; the flow of water pulled the remaining squid men into the sharks kill zone.
Arms, legs and heads were all bitten of leaving torsos with missing body parts floating about.
One of the remaining blue whales opened its giant mouth and swallowed the leftovers of the dead squid men and the alive ones, they tried their hardest to keep swimming away from its giant mouth, but they were unsuccessful.
The mermaids summoned a pack of dolphins, and a group of dolphins can actually kill hammer sharks or tiger sharks by working together. Most of the smaller sharks were killed and the rest fled, leaving only the great whites and the yellow submarine as our opposing forces.
The squid men were all dead. Three great whites remained the were all attacking one great blue whale, the smaller whales had all left, the big blue whale swallowed half of a great white, the other two however ripped it apart…
And that’s when I saw it!
I took a chance shot, the torpedo went flying through the water for a great distance… and it HIT.
I sunk the enemies, damned sub marine. I wondered who was inside for a second, but there was no time to find out.
I blew the face of one of the great whites, only one remained and it proved no match for the great blue whale.
The whale sent the shark running… or eeerrrr…. Swimming.
Either way it fucked right of.
We were finally approaching our final destination….
R`lyeh home of great CLUTHULU the eldritch god forever sleeping there, waking him would end the world.
We must stop the bad guys and the cursed book The Necronomicon, The book of the dead back into safe hands again.
CALL OF CLUTHULU
Now we finally arrived at R`lyeh the stone prison/grave where dead CLUTHULU was dormant… dreaming for aeons.
Only a certain page in the Necronomicon hade the instructions of how to wake this Eldritch God, powerful enough to end the entire human race once and for all.
The sound of drums, flutes and banjos being played told me the ritual had begun. The air was filled with smoke, and what smelled like burned flesh, sacrifices of beautiful virgins’ girls of different ethnicities no doubt, one white skin like milk and hair like honey… Scandinavian.
One with luscious red lips and ebony skin.
One Asian with perfect bone structure and hair dark like the night.
And more, Bosnian, Romanian, European, Australian and so on…
All of them perfect beauties, to young to die with smooth skin no man or woman would ever have the pleasure of knowing.
The sight and smell sickened me!
The mysterious Cult of Cthulhu had been busy.
Damned bastards! Delusional mad men all of them.
Thinking they were in touch with god…
But great Cthulhu was no god, and even I could hear his call inside of my head now…
I almost went insane from the sensation of his tentacles reaching into my brain… oh the horror!
But I must resist, Lubna my love was still with me, we had to get her soon back. Had to… must. Get Abdi back.
Get the Necronomicon back. Let Cthulhu sleep, never to wake again. Sanna the vampire/angel was here to with her armor and the Excalibur sword. Chewie was with me holding a teleportation pad and what looked like a light sabre.
King Poseidon was with us too, but he was the only land walker of Atlantis being a half breed, his army was swimming in the waters fighting the deep ones, aided in their battle by great Moby the last of the blue whales.
King Poseidon’s greatest familiar, an animal with a spiritual connection to him, aiding him in his use of magic.
The ritual was more then just blood sacrifice the were also a perverse and filthy orgy going on…
I will spare you the nastiest descriptions dear reader.
But the participants were beautiful women of all races and ethnicities, men wearing dark red robes with face masks made of the bones from dead animals, squids, goats head, giant lizards and snakes. Trolls and giants even a cyclops with red skin and one big eye watching the action.
In the middle of all this was one of those demons with a living beard made out of snakes, he was holding hands with the reptilian woman who hade stolen the book of the dead from me. And she in turn held a knife to the throat of Abdi,
The young had the blood of the mad Arab Abdul Al-alhazared in him, same as myself and therefore could hold the book without it biting him.
Chewie the super intelligent sasquatch was working on the teleportation device, it would create a portal that would let an army of sasquatches come to our aid….
But fuck it was loud…
It made beeping sounds….
Beep…beep…beep…
And the cyclops turned its giant eyes to us, the eye turned bright red with hatred.
We had been spotted!
It was time for war.
Time to end this once and for all.
THE BIG FAT KILL
I dual wielded two p90s emptying out two 50 round clips of
Bullets into the enemy horde, shooting of their dicks, faces, hitting chests and tits spreading death all around me.
Then Lubna threw the grenades bodies exploded, arms, legs, heads and blown of torsos all came flying through the air.
Poseidon summoned a giant wave and it came crashing down sweeping the enemy troops away. First wave wipe out. But more was coming.
Sanna wielded the Excalibur in a two hand grip, holding it over her head, making it charge up with sun light and then swung it down creating a great wave of energy splitting the enemis bodies into two halves like when Darth Maul feel to his death, leaving only the groin and legs left standing.
Second wave defeated.
But the third one was upon us. Poseidon struck a troll in its ugly face with his mighty golden trident, the troll’s skull and eyes were penetrated, killing it in an instant. But now he struggled to get it loose, it was stuck in the enemy’s dead flesh. He quickly grabbed a knife trying to hack the head of the troll’s neck. He was not fast enough another troll gave him a punch to his ribs and crushed a few of them, he with great agility penetrated the trolls heart with his knife.
But one arrow from a crossbow wielding cult member hit his right shoulder, making him bleed blue blood onto the stone ground.
At least we knew he was not a reptilian shape shifter.
Lubna blew the face of one troll with her doublebarreled shotgun she was now wielding, and then quickly shot the fourth and last troll, ending its disgusting and foul stinking life. There were no more trolls. But plenty of humans led by a cyclops.
One single well aimed shot from my 357.MAGNUM revolver blinded the cyclops making it stampede its own troops to death. A killed the next five men with straight head and throat shots but now I was out of ammo. And the enemy kept coming! Sanna the angel had no time to recharge her magic sword she was in the middle of the enemy horde slicing down opponents left and right. One of the cult member lit her left wing on fire with a torch.
A lone crossbow arrow landed between king Poseidon’s eyes ending his life once and for all.
I pistol whipped one cult member, a naked female covered in blood, straight in her pretty face, knocking her teeth out.
Lubna levitated a rock in her smash and then kept smashing it into the naked woman’s face until there was not much left of it, just a red colored mess.
And then! Chewie lit his laser sword and began cutting heads of , reinforcements of sasquatch-es coming through the portal.
Chewie the bigfoot, led the charge.
-Forward my hairy friends, forward, kill the snake bearded man or demon, whatever he is we must get to book back.
CLUTHULU WAKES
-Come on you apes; you want to live forever? The silver backed sasquatch commanded his troops. He was the biggest one almost twice the size of a regular sasquatch, who were all just a bit taller than a big man. This thing was MASSIVE and had dark fur, contrasting with the rest of the packs brown fur. His one eye was bright red and the other one had been blinded by a cut, and he gritted his sharp teeth. He was ready for the slaughter. He commanded a pack of twenty sasquatches including himself and chewie,
They absolutely annihilated the enemy troops. Arms, and legs were ripped off, bones cracked, heads smashed, hearts ripped out and eaten while they were still beating. The sasquatches were fierce and relentless in their assault.
It was over very quickly, leaving a battlefield full of blood and enemy corpses scattered everywhere along with their body parts and smashed out brains and ripped out guts.
We only lost five sasquatches in the assault with fifteen still standing, including Chewie and the leader of the pack Scarface they called him. He had a big scar across his face,
and his right eye, he only needed one eye to be a murder machine though.
Now we only had the reptilian shape shifter and the snake bearded demon left the were standing in between two caves, I quickly ended the life of the reptilian with a magazine of straight head shots from my automatic pistol, leaving nothing left of it but exploded brains. Abdi the young Arab boy/demon made his move, now free from the demons grasp he threw the Necronomicon into the burning fires where a young virgin had been sacrificed. The book screamed in pain.
But the snake beard triumphant hold up a page from the book it had previously ripped out. He did not need to tell me it was the only paged he needed. He began chanting in a language unknown to man. Out from the caves came two monsters, from the left was the snake like head and body of a basilisk and from the other on the right side, appeared a monster that belonged in the secretive caves of Mexico.
It was huge and long, formed like a centipede, and its giant mouth was the size of a cave opening, these cave dwellers usually was laying waiting for its prey inside of caves luring their unknowing victims into its foul mouth, pretending its ginormous, foul mouth was a cave opening, compulsion would cause it victims to move inside and come back, the simply could not stay away from its call.
The eyes of the basilisk made five sasquatches into stone statues with its monstrous gaze. It moved its disgusting yellow eyes towards Lubna …
But the woman was quick in thought and movement both,
She had a make up mirror and showed the basilisk its monstrous face in the mirror, it turned to stone when it saw its own ugly face.
The rest of the big hairy apes walked straight into the mouth of the other monstrous creature; it was just like in that story told by that mad man… Night nator!
The sasquatches knew they were marching to their own doom, but they simply could not stay away. The compulsion was too strong. Only chewie and Scarface remained alive now. Chewie was striking at the monster’s tail, but his laser sword got overheated and exploded in his hand. His right hand was blown of, and now he was punching the monster with his remaining, furry left paw made into a fist.
Sanna cut the monster in half with legendary sword Excalibur, out of it cut of body dead sasquatches came spilling out, some was skeletal some were half digested, it was a disgusting sight and it made me puke. Now Scarface was walking into its mouth, I could see into its open mouth and saw that it had many hideous eyes inside… Scarface heard the call and his compulsion appeared to be driving him inside the monster’s mouth. It swallowed him…
And after a few seconds its exploded from the inside.
Scarface most have sacrificed himself and exploded a grenade. Only a disgusting mess was left of the monster now.
Abdi had transformed into his demon form and attacked the Snake bearded creature, what the fuck was this thing!?
Abdi had picked up a dagger from the ground and cut one of the snakes out of the snake demons face, trimming his beard a little.
Disgusting dark black blood spurted out from the cut of snake on the mans face straight onto Abdi`s body, the boy screamed in pain!
It appeared that the blood was like acid, it melted holes in the boy’s skin. He stomped the cut of snake head on the ground to death, it spurted into an explosion of blood, melting the boys foot.
The rest of us was in a trance like state… hearing the Call of Cthulhu and could not intervene. Abdi head butted the snake bearded demon putting his demon horn straight into the right eye socket of the snake demon, it had yellow insectoid eyes meaning each of its eyes consisted of thousand of smaller eyes like an insect. Now one of those eyes were blinded. The dark black blood melted Abdi’s horn and the snakes in the beard all bit the boys face filling him with venom, the boy went for the throated and cut it, acid blood spurted into the boy’s face starting to melt it of showing the boys skull under his flesh. The snake bearded demon laughed, rubbing a finger with his blood on the page of the Necronomicon it died with a smile on its face, and the boy Abdi died screaming in pain and then…
great Cthulhu woke up from his eternal dead slumber.
ENDGAME
Great Cthulhu awakens from his eternal slumber, he was the most enormous being I had ever seen, standing taller than a tower like empire state, its monstrous belly the size of a mountain its tentacled beard had tentacles even longer than the great kraken, longer than the anaconda snakes living in Africa`s jungle.
It was clear to me as soon as this being woke his sleeping brothers, they would lay waste to humanity in no time.
Cthulhu grabbed the great blue whale Moby in its right hand and formed a fist smashing the great whale to pieces. Another terror from the deep rose.
KAIJU! The great lizard monsters. This monster was the Reptilians back up plan, they thought this Godzilla-like being could stand a chance against great Cthulhu. It was a head shorter than the squid bearded monster and it bit Cthulhu straight in its neck. Cthulhu began to drip dark red blood from its wound filling the ocean underneath it.
Maybe the Illuminati was on to something, when the nuke plan had backfired on them, maybe this giant reptilian would be able to stand toe to toe against great CTULHU.
But I had a very bad feeling about this. If I had to place a bet on this clash of the titans I would wager on the squid-god.
Cthulhu placed its hands on the great reptilian’s face and stuck its hideous thumbs straight into the yellow eyes of the oversized lizard monster. The great KAIJU roared in pain.
Cthulhu began to strangle to kaiju monster by wrapping its eldritch tentacled beard against the reptile’s windpipe trying to suffocate the monster. The reptile hit the eldritch god with a haymaker into its great belly and Cthulhu retaliated with an uppercut to the reptile’s jaw, making the lizard bite its own tongue of.
The clash of the giant monsters began to split R`lyeh into two pieces, their blows were so powerful that they caused a great cataclysm.
A giant snake from Yig was summoned by the Kaiju it appeard to be its familiar. A monster bound to it that gave it spiritual strength, now it came to aid great kaiju in this battle for life or death for all humans living on this planet.
The snake wrapped itself around Cthulhu’s throat and began to suffocate the monster like a boa constrictor.
Maybe we could win this after all.
Out from the dead carcass of the cave monster a hideous cocoon was birthed and out of that cocoon an even more hideous sight was spawned… Nyarlohotep the tentacled god we had defeat in the battle for Excalibur what seemed like a very long time ago when so many of our friends where still alive, we lost so many lives among the way. And now this abomination was back.
-I come in peace humans! I am on your side. If Cthulhu destroys all humans, there will be no one left for me to torture! I am a malignant god, like a bad kid with a magnifying glass, burning ants. And all of humanity are like ants to me. And you did surely not think you could defeat me so easily?
What the tentacled headed monster said rang true to my ears. He was on our side after all. And yes, defeating him HAD seemed too easy.
Cthulhu grabbed the snake of Yig and ripped it into two halves, it died in an instant. And then he grabbed the bottom and top jaws of the reptile’s face and began to rip it apart… after some struggling, he was victorious. The great kaiju died a most painful death.
-Human grab the book of the dead, you know what you MUST do if I am not successful in calming great Cthulhu.
The eldritch abomination Nyarlohotep spoke before trying to communicate with the world ending squid god.
I grabbed the book from the flames. I could only pray Nyarlohotep to be successful or I would have to pay the ultimate price…
Great Cthulhu swatted Nyarlohotep like a fly.
-Do it! No mother should live longer than their child anyway! Lubna commanded me.
I grabbed the Necronomicon and a dagger and stabbed my beloved straight in her heart.
Blood magic, I had to pay in blood to the demon to grant my wish. The goat headed demon Baphomet appeared in front of me.
-Your wish will be granted human! For the cost of her soul and yours both, two lovers burning in hell eternally tormented together.
-At least we will be together. I spoke.
-As you wish! The demon grabbed Lubnas dead body and ripped it apart, blood spraying everywhere and he sucked the soul out of her. Then he began binding Cthulhu to his will… after some struggling the eldritch god began to go to sleep, like a hideous, monstrous baby.
Me, Sanna the angel and chewie the big foot all went to the submarine Nautilus and went back to the sunken city of Atlantis. When we where there I said goodbye to my friends and alone walked into the portal to the house that does not exist. I remain here into the end of my days, no evil can enter this house.
I am the keeper of the Necronomicon and I will keep the book of the dead out of evil hands forever.
THE END.

I manifested the biggest job opportunity of my life

Noob guide to Bannerlord - 70 hours in. Why I hated this game and now I love it!

Hi!
I wanted to share my early experience with the game and how I came to love this game more, than any other in the past few years... It finally even broken my love-hate relationship with Dota2 after over 5000 hours in the game - so that should tell much about how good this game can be.
But when you start it can also be the reason for incredible frustration. I am currently on my 14 tries and this play-thru will be my final one... This hero is THE hero. And the story I am living in the game is my story.
I wanted to give some noob tips on a few fields of how to play the game on realistic mode and not be frustrated about it!
1. Your character
Ok to start off - there is no right or wrong starting backstory of your character. Any skills can be obtained in-game without any sweet. You can even max out EVERYTHING if have enough time. The skill distribution only speeds up learning of some skills over others.
Ones I like the most are steward, 2handed, polearms, charm, smithing, riding. For the first play try I didn't even know that those little shields allow you to distribute pick perks based on your progress of skills, so I played on extra hard level! :D
Steward - increase your army size real fast.
2hande and polearms are just incredibly superior to 1handed and shield - I will describe it later on. Forget about ranged combat as well.
Charm - allows you to sway enemies or neutral heroes to your side. Once I even got swarmed by an 1100 strong army vs my 300 man army. However, attack was a joined raid of multiple smaller groups. Before the battle, I went with "how about not fight and you join me?" and critically succeded in persuasion… threw in a little coin and before I knew it - the country that the traitor represented ended existing on the map due to our joined forces :D
Riding - its called MOUNT and blade for a reason. You will spend alto of time on horseback. High skill makes you not fall from it. And it's important in battles. Once you fall surrounded by the enemy you're dead. Your troops without you breaking enemy morale will have great casualties.
Smithing - to break the game. :) see "economy".
2. The economy
There are little problems that money can't solve in reality and so does in this game! Because each kingdom makes decisions based on votes - an enemy for example will never decline your "give up" declaration that comes with a monetary tribute... While paying the tribute you can amass an army, gather forces, make an army, go near enemy city/castle. Declare war all over again - take over as much as you can. And when chased away by a superior force, or when your castles and towns are being sieged - declare peace for even more money! Do you get attacked by someone stronger than you? Pay him up and he will leave you alone for X days letting you raid, siege and do as you like, for the time being, until you "give up" your conflict once again using the power of money. :D
But how to get literal million gold coins to be the realms overlord god-emperor? Well - purchase power in negotiations comes not only form coins themselves but valuable items as well. So - own workshops? Waste of time. Caravans? Another waste of money (it's better to have multiple parties and if you own castles and towns - governors boosting those with steward skills)
So how to make money? Answer is simple - CRAFTING.
THE CRAFTING SYSTEM IN THE GAME IS ABSOLUTELY BROKEN AND I LOVE IT! Because you can craft anything you have materials and patterns for - even if you don't have the skill high enough. The item will simply have decreased stats. but not value :) At least not that much.
Start crafting 1handed axes. Break down other items into raw materials. These 1handed axes can be used to finish up quests "gang leader need tools".
Then once you unlock some at least tier2 components to swords - start making 2handed swords. Even a tier 3 bladed sword goes on a market for 8'000-20'000 coins. Very fast without moving from a town, you can buy everything the town has to offer - horses, supplies, armours, by paying up with your 2handed crafts!
Tier 4 2handed swords go already for 104'000 gold coins and I think they cant cost more. As I crafter the top tier 5 bet components legendary sword and it still costed the same. I also got skill 313 level within around 40 minutes of play. Had to go between 3 towns as I was missing items to break down to raw materials :) Crafting item that is too high level can give up to 3 points. Breaking it down gives you 1 again. So you level up FAST.
Keep in inventory 10+ 100k words for trade always and the world economy is your B****. ;)
Enjoy your incredible armour value making most hits only dealing 2-5 damage to you and your companions!
Also - crafted weapons are the best in-game for combat!
OH! To craft, you need crafting stamina… Yo regain it ONLY by "waiting for some time" at the city.
3. The combat & prisoners
Keeping your army alive in battles is a pickle on realistic. The key is to have all army tier 4-6. Don't bother with recruits - just keep them in garrison. If you can't recruit units at higher tiers - do NOT ransom all prisoners. Keep prisoners tier 4-6 with you - they will defect on your side with time. At my endgame, I have a standard army size of ~360 and I keep 190 prisoners with me... Most ready to defect on my side at any time I have loses in battle. Higher-level units also often get wounded in battle instead of dying - so you lose them less!
My army composition is of whatever I can get at tier 4-6. HOWEVER, I strongly suggest keeping either a strong force of 50+ heavy cavalry. Lancers with shields. No archers on horseback bullshit. My 50 lancers can go thru 120 horseback archers within seconds with my at the charge spearhead.
Key to wining large battles with little to none casualties is MORALE. Keep livestock in inventory, and all different types of food as you can. Also having some perks helps. Ones I have, increase my morale on the attack, and each of my kills decreases enemy morale dramatically.
You win when you break enemy morale and they start to skirmish, run away. At that point, it's just free skill farm on kills :) I often kill 50-80 units on battlefield myself. At around 15-20 kill the morale of the enemy is broken.
Also, I force my army to charge, but my heavy cavalry to follow. I move them on the flank or behind and wait. Take care of mounted archers by just bashing with them directly, immobilizing them and killing them at point-blank range. Then set to charge the enemy rear, right before my infantry hits them! Synchronization is key here! Breaking the line and coherency of the enemy. Always killing some archers from the back skirmish on the way to infantry. The infantry will most likely face your infantry direction - so you cut thru them like butter. When they turn to you, just press forward and keep moving so they can't attack you and cut them down!
Now down to tools of the killing! :)
My setup is: 2handed sword, 2handed axe, 2handed polearm, and last slot goes to javelins. However, if your craft 2h sword is hand-and-a-half you can use a shield with it some times (useful on sieges).
All my crafts. All component sizes increased to the maximum for greater damage and reach in cost of handling.
2handed sword has incredibly fast attacks and deals damage on all component hit! So guard, or pommel hits your enemy head over his shield? DEAD. This is my weapon of choice for close-quarters tight pressed combat - like on sieges. I also swap weapons often depending on the situation. 2handed sword is also 1-hit win duel with bandit hideouts. Always hit from top to bottom. Don't waste time for thrusts or side cuts. This tactic also wins every tournament for early money. Oh, and for crafting - there are 2handed "short" blades for swords. I wondered what for? Well - you can have a short 2handed sword on your "civilian" outfit. that helps farming materials for crafting on bandits in cities.
2handed axe has great reach from horseback, break shields greatly, and can kill 2 enemies with a single swing. This is my weapon of choice on horseback when charging into enemy infantry. I kill them SO FAST the combat takes 10 seconds before they start running away. Great for breaking inner gate on sieges! 30+ damage per swing makes you break gate in around 1 minute. Saving lives of your troops - as those morons often open-close gate from inside instead of breaking it down. Or try to break it down with 1damage swings that take forever.
The last weapon of choice is a glaive - or any polearm you can craft with CUTTING power. With a reach of 300+, this weapon is a perfect tool for mowing down cavalry with wide side sweeps on run-by or cutting down troops in a skirmish like archers. This range makes it impossible to miss. Also, the damage is absurd. I often deal 360 damage to heavy cavalry while on horseback. But even stationary this tool can break a shield with one swing and deal around 110-160 damage per swing. Where I use it most often however is on ladders while sieges. You see - you can do this up to downswing on ladder killing enemies on the wall while being out of their reach :) after you kill 15-20 of those you clear a way to go to the wall. Then you either switch to 2handed axe and start mowing down enemies in small groups of 2-5. or 2handed sword if it gets crowded and with upswing, you mow them down while they usually don't have space to swing their weapons. Oh - also glaive on the max range with the tip of it deals enough damage to break any shield with 1 hit and kill its user!
Javelins - best damage for ranged. Fastest attack. Thrown knives do the job as well. Don't bother with crossbow or bow: slow, low-damage, waste of time. And you have only one slot. The shield is good for sieges to approach walls as well. Generally, 4th slot is meh.
4. Sieges
Don't bother with siege towers! Bots often don't use them correctly and just die like idiots on the walls. Ladders do a better job allows you to abuse your polearm a lot! :) the aster you attack the worse defence will the castle have. Make a battering ram! It will break the outer wall 10x faster. And makes your troops approach safer. Either assault walls on the ladder - once on the wall follow what I said about switching weapons and DONT DIE. If you die before opening the front gate - load, or you will lose hundreds of troops! Usually half of your force or more. If you get on the wall - walk to the garrison and get back on the ground level as fast as you can. Quickly open the gate and then move to the side and walk on the enemy from behind and maw them down with a glaive from a safe range. They won't bother facing your direction even. Nor will they block with shields. Kill enough and you break the entire siege morale and save your troops lives. Kill as many running away enemies for experience and weapon-skill farm. At end of the siege, you should have 60-100 kills.
Another approach is to go with the battering ram, and as fast as you can break the main gate. Then push your self with a 2hsword killing enemies on the side, and while your troops fight at the gate, quickly run on the walls, and help one of the ladder spots - if you distract enemies defending the ladders so your troops can enter one side of the wall - it should be enough morale to break the entire defence into running away, if not, quickly go help the other side, as this side will join front gate and destroy the enemy guarding it by backstabbing, using glaive range.
At end of the siege, you will always lose 60+ units. And get another 60+ wounded. If you have a joint force with some other lords who have a lot of tier 1-3 or recruits/peasants. It will be 150+. But most of your tier 5-6 should be fine. Maybe some of them wounded if they suicided on the ladders.
sieges are the most fun and most stress as its a race against time to save your troops lives.
5. Small army? Not anymore
Read skill perks - there are so many ways to get your army size higher! The best way is the progression of your entire clan. To progress levels 1-4 you should get into some king/queen service as mercenary. Or even as his/her banner lord. You will be awarded cities and castles (prefer cities over castles!) that will with perks increase your party size.
Once you are ready you can either join families by marriage and wait for the king/queen to die eventually :) (if you have set this at start of the campaign) and take over! Or you can leave, and take all your belonging with you. It will put you on war with your previous kingdom - but it's nothing an instant declaration of peace for money can't solve! :) So offer daily tribute and they are fine with your backstabbing.
In cities always hire mercenaries. They are good. All kind of them.
When checking to upgrade units one way or another always try to tend toward cavalry.
Use prisoners to replenish your ranks. Too many prisoners? Leave them at a dungeon in nearby city/castle that belongs to you, and take them into your prisoners stock later on. Ransom low tier and heroes. If heroes go back against you real fast - don't worry. They will have recruits that cant last in combat much. 2handed axe solves this problem… again and again. If you let heroes free instead of capturing them they will respect you and be easier persuaded on your side with less money and charm needed :)
6. Friends and foes!
Everyone on the map is a potential friend. You can convince almost anyone to betray their king with enough charm and money :) ALWAYS try to talk with someone before the battle. Always talk to banner lords that are neutral to you when met on the road. If you get your own kingdom you need lords! Your family itself won't keep you safe. Or you will end up with 20k+ tribute daily for just declarations of peace with everyone.
As a king, you can set LAWS (called policies) in your kingdom. Do so! I have 16 installed. One of them increases my army size by 60 :D (royal guard). I usually install policies that decrease taxes and decrease my settlements military status, but increase support, influence, and general happiness of the people and lords. You don't need to get more recruits - when you can settle for peace with money when you're in danger. And you don't need money, as a single sword can buy you entire city worth of stock, horses, food, and anything you want. And you make 3 of those in a single visit to a blacksmith.
I also got policies that allow any settlement that belongs to the city/castle with a governor in place - to produce tier 4-6 units! So you can recruit into your army on your lands non-recruits tier1 trash!
7. Your story, your game
There is no win condition! There is no goal. You can establish a kingdom and get tribute daily from lords you vanquished. You can try to persuade EVERY lord on the map to join you. Or you can at some point execute everyone on the map :) doesn't matter.
You can marry a queen, have kids, or be a trader, or world-wide famous blacksmith :) this game is a sandbox. Play as you like as long as you have fun with the game!
Once you learn the game systems and amass armies above the initial 20 recruits it begins to be so much fun on so many levels! I actually started to care about my lords, cities, and living quality of my subjects :D
however, after first few failed attempts I almost uninstalled the game. So what I'm trying to say - give this game a chance and you might love it as I did ;)

Noob guide to Bannerlord after 70 hours in :) how to enjoy yourself on realistic and not get frustrated! Oh.. and break the economy.

Noobs guide to Bannerlord - how to enjoy yourself on realistic and break the game ;)

Terror Birds

Audio Verson
GM Binder
"I have nothing but respect for Terror Birds because the moment you don't, you're bird food." - Tannon Elven Ranger

Introduction

Terror Birds are a broader category of an ancient line of 2 legged flightless birds. Many varieties such as Diatryma, Gastornis, and Titanis are well known and feared animals in the remote areas they inhabit. These birds are often ignored or overlooked for their predecessors, the dinosaurs. I'm here to rectify that problem as Terror Birds are fascinating creatures I've found in my many years of research. Their bravery or stupidity is unmatched, yet they surprise even the most prepared of opponents. They are also wonderfully affectionate to those they trust and great friends. Just don't be on the opposing side, or you'll see where they get the name Terror Bird.

Physiology of the Terror Bird

How to Identify the Terror Birds

Most are familiar with emus, ostriches, or more modern bipedal birds. But remote pockets of the world house some of the most terrifying and ancient varieties. There are several sub-species of Terror birds that range from 3-feet tall to a massive 15 feet. Their wings are small and tucked to their sides, even more so than a chicken. Their thick muscled legs with long talons are more than enough to show the power they possess. Their necks are proportionally much thicker than their ostrich cousins, and their beaks are that of a predator.
Males are brightly colored, whereas females will have the same colors but muted. For instance, the smaller 3 foot tall, Caprims, both are red and black in coloration to hide in the shadows and look like a flower in their jungle homes. The females are just still black, but their red is only slightly muted. Males also have crest feathers that they can lift but usually keep pursed backward unless interacting with their mate.

Origins

When the majority of dinosaurs left the Material Plane, obviously aside from the remaining dinosaur islands, birds filled the niche of super predators for a short time. Birds are closely related to dinosaurs and thus quickly adapted to the same super-predators, although arguably much smaller than that of creatures like Allosaurus or Tyrannosaurus Rex. Since then, their direct competition of large cats, however, has dwindled their numbers. Leave it to a cat to keep a bird in check.

Hooked Beaks

The beaks of Terror Birds resemble something closer to raptors (bird raptors) like eagles and Rocs. The wicked spike that the end of their beak forms is excellent for pulling off large chunks of flesh while eating. Though, their bigger purpose is paired with their incredible ability to thrust their heads downward at a quick speed with accuracy and puncture prey. Using the hook as the pointy side of a pick, they can sever the spine of even large creatures such as bears in as little as 2 pecks. Very few animals can kill so efficiently and quickly, something their size or larger, even dragons.

Killer Legs

Terror birds are fast runners with stamina. Their thick legs give them incredible power and speed. They can run down prey, attackers, or about anything if needed at rates close to 40 mph. While they can't maintain this speed for more than a few hundred yards, they can run at 15 mph for much longer distances, making them excellent for long-distance travel.
On top of their astonishing speed is their agility. Their legs are positioned more towards the bottoms of their hips than the sides, and with the added rotation of ball socket joints, they can make quick leg pivots. While they can't be at top speeds to make sharp adjustments, it's faster than even antelope. Their sharp claws can dig into the earth for traction on a quick turn, giving them a slight edge on adjusting direction.
Lastly, with their backward bending legs and stiff muscles, they can jump with incredible power. While this ability diminishes with body size, even the largest Terror Birds can jump 2 1/2 times their height. They flap their small wings fervently when doing so, not enough to create lift but enough to slow their fall. This flapping slow-fall is less effective than that of a chicken but the same concept. Their jumping is also well suited to distance if needed, making jumping large streams or even small rivers a great way to corner prey.

Eyes of a Killer

Terror Birds have exceptional eyesight in both light and dark, with their heavily dilating pupils. Their eyes are also huge in general to head size about 25% larger than an eagle's eye to head size ratio. They are also forward-facing, giving them that deadly accuracy. Because their eyes can move in their head, they also possess tremendous peripheral vision.

Hunting and Feeding

Terror Birds are carnivores; well, most are. They watch their territory for prey and when hungry bolt in pursuit. Once a victim runs, they can easily catch them by grabbing them, with their beaks, if small enough, or quickly killing bigger prey. Their favorite tactic is to run beside a fleeing animal and slam their hooked beak into the skull base, downing the creature immediately. Their beaks are strong enough to crush through the skull of a human, making a quick and easy meal.
Once they have slain a creature, they will begin to strip off flesh to eat. Terror Birds are not fond of eating fur or hair, though, and will usually peel the skin away to get to the more tender areas. However, it isn't possible to always avoid fur and hair on creatures. They can process the hair but not as easily and often causes stomach discomfort. Once they've eaten their fill, they either leave the food for scavengers or drag it back to young.
With smaller prey, often, they snatch up the poor creatures instead of quickly killing them. Often they will violently and repetitively slam their target on the ground, either killing or stunning them. They are also mighty kickers and can crush bones with a single blow.

Life Cycle

Chicks are hatched only 1 egg at a time. Once they hatch, it is only a span of a few seasons before they strike out on their own. Their parents both care for the chick until full maturity. Once grown, they are about half to nearly full size, depending on the kind of Terror Bird.
Adults live around 40 years and start to show signs of significant degradation at 37. While slower and less capable at venerable ages, Terror Birds are still scrappy fighters able to fend off attackers well enough. During this time, they may produce as many as 2 dozen chicks, but sadly only 1/3rd of those chicks will live to adulthood in most cases.

Common Diseases

Terror Birds are affected by only a few diseases, but most are fatal. Those who raise terror birds often have to quarantine and even kill infected birds to keep the rest safe. Thankfully they are not widespread in any area, and if caught early enough simple medicine, and divine intervention can save the animal.

Pox

While Pox to many other creatures is a deadly and contagious disease, humans included. Terror Birds can be an early specimen, as they pick it up from eating prey infected with the virus. Pox is spread by parasites such as flies and lice that can be found on less fortunate birds. Adults start to lose feathers in patches, but chicks outright perish after only a few weeks.

Bleeding Egg

As some varieties of Terror Birds produce regular eggs as decoys, it's easy to spot an infected bird with Bleeding Egg. First, the egg's outer shell is soft and reddish in hue as the egg is filled with both yoke and a fair amount of blood. While this condition rarely harms the adults, they will no longer produce viable young, and those eggs that are fertile are stillborn. For Terror Bird ranches, this is usually immediate death to prevent the spread of the disease as blood eggs are not a viable product.

Newcastle

Named for the biologist who identified the disease, Newcastle is a relatively new discovery. Symptoms include hyperactivity, inability to focus, take a 3 legged position (using their head as a 3rd leg), staggering backward, and lack of self-preservation. This condition is so far only found in wild Terror Birds. The infection rate is rather low and seems only to be a bloodborne transfer.

Habitat Range

Terror Birds are mostly tropical in origin. They prefer forests, plains with tall grass, or even some rolling hills. They aren't well balanced in rocky or icy terrains and tend to fall prey to other carnivores from losing their footing. While most Terror Birds stay in warmer climates, a few breeds have ventured further into artic regions, although sticking to forests and fields.

Ground Nesters

These gigantic birds are unable to nest in trees like many others, or the cliffs of mountains such as giant birds like Rocs. Thus they make ground nests that usually are large enough for 2 terror birds to squat side-by-side. They are very protective of their nest and territory, continually patrolling and keeping an eye on potential dangers.
The birds hide their nests in foliage and brush and create multiple nest sites as decoys that are more obvious to find. This behavior has been altered in domesticated birds to produce eggs like that of a chicken. Significantly larger sizes of eggs are produced, between 5 and 8 inches tall.

Social Behavior and Mental Capabilities

Intelligence

To call something bird-brained is usually an insult. While Terror Birds don't have sentience, they are very calculating and clever. They can see hunter's traps for what they are and sometimes use them against hunters. They have been known to set off traps and hide nearby waiting for the hunters to retrieve the "prey."
Domesticated Terror Birds know their trainers, and even the usual people around them, much better than domesticated griffons. They are also usually trained to avoid attacking the people they work with while hungry, which is rare for such a predatory animal. They are very unforgiving, though, and if a person has wronged them, they don't hold back.
Terror Bird memory is long and will remember individuals of many creatures for a long time. While in the wild, this skill is less utilized, maybe except for hunters or rangers. Domesticated ones can be very loyal as a result and even recognize the names of friends.

Mated Pairs

Many birds mate for life, and these are no exception. Their loyalty is strong. Terror Birds seek their mate early in life, usually within their first 5 years, roaming the forests and planes, journeying to find a mate. When they see another member of their species, alone, they will make a display fanning out their small wings and side-stepping in a dance. If the other bird is looking as well, they will respond if interested by bobbing their heads up and down rapidly. If they are uninterested, the other bird can become aggressive, which can lead to a fight.
Once the birds find a mate, they will stay together for the span of their whole lives. While they may roam away from each other on patrols, they will always end the day together. Mates can identify each other visually by markings, smells, and even the sound of their shrill calls.

Territorial Carnivores

While members of different sub-species, especially with varying sizes, can tolerate each other, Terror Birds aggressively defend their territory from other predators their size, including similar Terror Birds. Fights of territory are rarely to gain or lose area rather just frequent on borders. Being intelligent enough to know when they are entering a rival's space, they know very well where they can cross. Sometimes they will purposely hunt in a rival's territory seemingly just to anger them. These antics lead to fights.

Mysterious Night Screeching

Terror Birds are generally not nocturnal, with a few exceptions, but almost all terror birds can be heard during the night. With seemingly no warning or reason, they awake from their slumber to make loud calls into the darkness. These sounds start as low throaty thrums that crescendo into ear-splitting wails. Different species have different calls, but all still display this behavior.

Interactions with Other Creatures

Domestication

First and foremost, the most common interaction is that with the Elven and Human communities that have domesticated terror birds. While Humans have domesticated the Brontornis, one of the larger varieties, Elves have attached more the Gastornis, which is, in comparison, is much smaller. Despite stocks of these birds coming from different types, they are both similar in domestication.
First, a domesticated Terror Bird is loyal but still a carnivore. They must be fed well enough, or hunger will cause them to be increasingly rebellious. Sometimes even picking off other members of a community to which they have no attachment. Second, they will only allow a few people to ride them also if they are well known and trusted.
Mating in captivity is a crucial process as keeping the correct genes, and friendly mentality is the whole reason they can continue to be used as allies. Unfortunately, it is a much more complicated process than in the wild. Unlike farm animals such as cows, Terror Birds prefer only one mate but most often mistake their care-taker as that role. This attachment is why until they find a mate in captivity, the trainers must keep a firm hand and distance until they are mature enough to be mated. These pairings of birds are often akin to an arranged marriage, and once they are bonded, they are much easier to give affection without negative attachment.
Not all Terror Birds are domesticated, but I suppose it could be possible. In my observations, all of them have that capability; even the dangerous and volatile Titanises have the capacity to hold violence in check.

Cats

Terror Birds have a natural aversion to cats. Not unlike other birds or dogs. However, these giant birds have no fear. They are nervous and often violent towards even small domesticated cats. They have a natural enemy in big cats and often come to blows for territory with tigers, lions, and saber-cats.

No Monster Too Big

While these predators usually only attack creatures, their size, or smaller, they are not afraid of any animal regardless of size. This selection doesn't mean they will attack the monster immediately but instead will ignore them unless provoked. If provoked, they unleash a fury that can take a young dragon off-guard and cause some harm. Domesticated birds will fight to the death for their riders and cause some severe issues, especially if outmatched. They had no natural predators in which they lived, maybe outside super ones like Hydras and Dragons.

Prey

Being predators, they favor killing their food but will eat raw meat from handlers, if domesticated. Live prey is a treat for them. While animals closer to their size are preferred, they will eat smaller creatures they can catch. Victims are usually quickly dealt with and eaten immediately. These birds do not play with food.

Battle Tactics

Terror Birds are no strangers to battle. Between defending their nests and taking down prey, they are fighting nearly daily. With this experience, they are not to be lightly taken when facing an aggressive bird. They are most often suited to a quick kill and 1 on 1 battle.
When facing a single opponent, the Terror bird tries to peck at the skull of their foe. With their powerful downward strikes, they can quickly finish even thick-skulled creatures with only a few blows, or 1 well placed strike. Their tactics are straight forward and aggressive. Squawking, pecking, and leaping at their foe keeps nearly anything on their heels. If an enemy is much larger than the bird, it will still come at them with full-force. When going for a kill, they can jump high and use their downward momentum to their advantage.
If facing multiple enemies, they can jump and kick at attackers from all angles. Wolves and other pack animals often mistake flanking them with a supreme advantage when they only need to swing their claws behind them for a fatal counter-attack. Terror Birds, however, are not fond of facing multiple foes and will strike faster than waiting for an attack usually.

Variations

Gastornins

Gastornis or plurally Gastornins are most popularly found in jungles and warmer forested environments. While they have been seen smashing nuts with their thick beaks, they are still dangerous predators. Standing at a comfortable 7-feet tall, they are imposing to even orcs for their strength and size. They are among some of the most hazardous bite crushing power and are used for crushing things in a utilitarian fashion.
Elves seem to use Gastornins in domestication most often because of shared environments. The domesticated Gastornins are the friendliest kinds as well. Gastornins enjoyment of both meat and nuts helps in keeping an ample food supply.
Gastornins are usually brown to black-feathered to hide in the forest homes better. They have bright blue skin around the face and neck along with a small, proportionally at least, gobbler like that of a turkey. Their eyes are large and yellow in coloration.

Brontornis

Brontornises are larger as far as Terror Birds go, as tall as 10 feet, and one of the slowest birds, only topping out at 25 mph run speed. However, they can carry two full-grown humans and is the only Terror Bird able to carry 2 riders of such sizes. Rarely are they used for beasts of a burden, though, as they are notoriously curious and often ransack luggage. They almost exclusively eat larger herbivores such as cattle and other herd animals.
For domestication, they make excellent mounts and body-guards. They are quite fond of standing in place for long periods on the lookout as they would on their plane homes watching a herd from a distance. Their beak is great at piercing armor as well, and they feed on armored animals by piercing a wound, placing their foot on the prey, and tearing the armor off. It works effectively against armored humanoids as well.
Feathers on Brontornises are usually lighter browns or greys. Their dull coloring makes it harder for the less gifted for sight herds to spot them in their stationary outlooks.

Titanis

The largest of the Terror birds reaching up to 15-feet tall are considered too dangerous to tame. Their beaks are also longer and more hooked than most varieties. They can run at speeds nearing 35 mph chasing down and tearing apart prey. They are voracious predators that attack many creatures on-site, when hungry.
Despite their size, they have vibrant and rich green colorations as they live in tall grasses around rivers. The cat-tails and swampy grass-fields are where they hunt for large fish, crocodiles, and any creature that finds itself wandering in the grass.
If they became domesticated, I would suppose it would have to be by larger peoples, such as orcs, that could stand at least half as tall to these massive carnivores. Halflings, unfortunately, would only be seen as prey, I fear.

Caprims

The smallest of the Terror Birds, Caprims are jungle dwellers that disguise themselves as flowers. They aren't afraid to attack humanoids if catching them by surprise, giving the black and red feathered birds the nicknames of Devil Flowers. They are fast runners and able to dart and dodge in the thick jungles nearly unhindered.
Domesticated Caprims make for quick messengers through thickly brushed environments. While they are certainly too small to ride, they make for a great companion that can follow directions better than a dog.

Diatryma

Diatrymas are known for their stark black feathers and Green eyes. They are not only nocturnal predators but also live in the underground tunnels beneath the surface. Some are tamed by under-dwelling peoples such as Drow, but ultimately they are free-roaming terrors of the dark. They are most likely to encounter Displacer Beasts, Hook Horrors, and other tough to kill enemies and thus live in flocks of up to 8 members.
Standing at a 6-foot tall posture when upright, they are taller than what the cramped tunnels allow. They make up for this by being the most flexible and creatively mobile Terror Birds. Their beaks are stiff but still narrow, and their skull is only slightly larger than the beak itself. Due to their improved flexibility, the Dyatryma can squeeze through areas as long as its head can fit through. They push with their clawed feet through cracks and pull by hooking their beaks on the stone.
While lighter creatures, such as elves, can ride them, they are most often used to fight. Their aggressive tactics and ability to traverse the dark better than many 4 legged animals gives them the advantage.

Kelenken

The Fastest of the Terror Birds, Kelenken, can top out at 40 mph. They chase down prey in open fields despite nesting in the forests. Found in colder and temperate regions, they prefer to keep away from larger predators like bears, which they have trouble bringing down. They are some of the rarest varieties outside of domestication. They are white-feathered with black accents around the eyes and wings. Their beaks are a stark orange, though, and tend to be the only visible aspect in a snowfall.
Kelenkens are domesticated for riding as they stand up to 9 feet tall and can bear 1 rider at nearly full speed. Most often though they are bred for racing and bets, Dwarven kingdoms are primarily known for their racing Kelenken.

Death Birds

While the name is ominous, it is rightfully earned. Another variety yet to be tamed, Death Birds are dangerous predators of humanoids. Also known as Phorusrhacos‭, they have adapted to specifically hunting humanoid creatures over time. Their markings are ominously dark grey or black with a white-tipped beak and white accents around their face. Death Bird markings when looked at from about 6 feet to 10 feet tall and facing them look as if they are a floating humanoid skull on a black body. Death Birds are visually adapted to keep their prey stunned in fear. They also give off a low rumbling that un-nerves many humanoids as a frightening tactic to keep them off-guard.
Living in warmer grass-lands and forests, they are well known to many humanoid tribes and even hunted as a ritual for some cultures. While they aren't domesticated in any, understandably why I do believe it is still possible. They would make for 1 intimidating mount for sure.

Axe Beaks

Andalgalornis or better known as Axe Beaks, are unique among Terror Birds for their beaks being hooked on both the bottom and top of their bill. Standing at just over 7 feet tall, they hunt in tropical regions. The upward swings of their heads are just as deadly as the downward strikes. This top spike can be helpful as the tropical forests hide predators in the trees and the ground. Their unique bills give them another angle in which they can attack.
They are brown with white feathers on their faces and undersides. Their tails are the most unique and can fan upwards, in a mating display, like a peacock or turkey.

DM Notes

Terror Birds are a fascinating group of extinct animals that came just after the extinction of the dinosaurs. I drew inspiration for this article based on the real-world scientific names as well as some fantasy ones I made myself. I highly suggest adding some spice to your campaign to use birds instead of horses in some cultures as horses don't do well in forests.
Here are some hooks for Terror Birds:

A silent ambush from the trees or tall grass (combat encounter)
A bird carrying an injured rider is lost and needs help
An injured bird tells of a larger danger in the area; the Terror Bird is a fierce fighter, so whatever laid the poor creature low must be strong.
A lone giant egg sits in a nest. Is it abandoned? Or are the parents around
The races are off! Except one of the riders is mysteriously killed, and the bird takes off to race with a dead jockey.
Someone is cheating to fix the races!
A trainer couldn't find an acceptable mate for his bird and needs your help to find it a suitable mate.

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