Today's contestants are:

• Liz, a teacher, made a bet involving Jeopardy! and naming her child;
• Brett, a freelance sportswriter, whose baseball knowledge inspired a stage show; and
• Lucy, an illustrator, rescued her first dog at age four. Lucy is a two-day champ with winnings of $64,499.

Lucy started a bit slowly but got on a roll after scoring on DD3, eventually building to another runaway at $17,600 vs. $6,600 for Liz and $6,000 for Brett.
DD1 - $600 - HISTORICALLY BAD - This began in Latin America in 1928, a little before it hit the United States (Brett won $1,000 from his score of $1,400.)
DD2 - $1,200 - BODIES OF WATER - Blooms of the algae trichodesmium give this body of water its color & perhaps its name (Brett won $2,000 from his score of $5,600 vs. $3,200 for Lucy.)
DD3 - $1,200 - LET'S GO TO THE ARCHIVES - The Vatican apostolic (formerly "secret") archives hold a 200' scroll recording the 14th century trial of these knights (Lucy won $2,000 from her total of $3,600 vs. $8,000 for Brett.)
FJ - CHILDREN'S BOOKS - This 1969 book was first printed in Japan because no U.S. book company would then make a book with so many holes in the pages
For the second straight game, only Lucy was incorrect on FJ. She dropped $2,600 to win with $15,000 for a three-day total of $79,499.
Horsepower hangups: No one knew the Kentucky Derby record holder from 1973 is Secretariat, or the "sporty Chevy" with a model that has a 650 HP engine is a Corvette.
Ken's Corner: The guest host took some ownership of the position when he said Lucy's performances are "how I like to see the game played". Later, he threw in some confusing humor when, after Brett correctly responded "Dr. No", Ken said, "No. That's correct".
Correct Qs: DD1 - What is the Great Depression? DD2 - What is the Red Sea? DD3 - Who were the Knights Templar? FJ - What is "The Very Hungry Caterpillar"? (FJ brought to mind a comment by James from last week's episode of The Chase, saying that you learn a lot of trivia when you have kids.)

Soccer (Football)
Most people will be aware already, but European football is the most common sports bet and hundreds of millions are spent on it each year. It has one of the widest range of tournaments and hundreds of games per country every single week. To get an idea of the numbers: $136 Billion was wagered on the 2018 FIFA tournament with $7.2 Billion bet on the final game alone.
​
Tennis
Offering a variety of straight forward and more complicated bets, you can stick with the major tournaments or find regular games to serve your gaming needs.
​
American Football
The number one attraction for sports betting in the USA is of course, the NFL. The pinnacle game is the annual Super Bowl which draws in a massive global audience. The final game had roughly $6.8 billion bet in the 2020.
​
Horse Racing
Alongside greyhound racing, it is a highly popular contender and has many dedicated fans trying to handicap the best racers. As an example of the figures involved, about $250 million was spent on the Kentucky Derby in 2019
​
Basketball
Unsurpringly a big favorite in the gambling scene are the many professional and amateur league games taking place around the world.
​
Boxing
While most of the money is centered on the major fights which make it into mainstream media, you'll find a regular flow of matches. From professional heavyweights to mixed martial arts, there is a lot of variety on offer. Fights like McGregor vs Mayweather drew in a total of $100 million
​
Cricket
A sport that is increasingly receiving a lot more televised matches to bet on with big followings in the UK, India, Australia, Pakistan and many other countries.
​
Rugby
Along with soccer, Rugby has a lot of big league matches every week and offers some straight forward betting if that's what you like.

[Time Stamps] Recently started to use them in late 2019. They may not be exact based on what podcast app or service you use. But they'll be close. In 2020 I've started to use Google Podcasts for the time stamps, and they'll be labeled if used.
When a new entry is added because Stugotz said something, I go back and edit it into this post. If you have any I missed - message me.
I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS:

FOOTBALL

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book.
Note (2)(a): Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags.
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a Super Bowl 52 ring.
Note (4)(a): Foles does not have a Super Bowl 52 ring.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), and then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36.
Note (5)(a): In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens Super Bowl) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city of New Orleans.
Note (14)(a): There was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but it ended up at three.
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings.
Note(15)(a): Dan also has this in his record book, and it is the first entry into the Le Batard Personal Record Book.
Note 15(b): In fact, McCarthy has -3 (Negative three) rings.
(16) Any Super Bowl rings Antonio Brown gets with the Patriots will not count in the Stugotz personal record book (9/9 Weekend Observations National Hour 2).
(17) Ohio State's 76 to 5 victory over Miami (Ohio) on 9/21/19 does not count.

BASKETBALL

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) "STRAP IT ON BOYS, GONNA TAKE YA FOR A RIDE:"
Kevin Durant has 0 rings (Zero rings)
Kevin Durant has -1 rings (Negative 1 rings).
Kevin Durant has -4 rings (Negative 4) (As of 4/11/18)
Note (2)(a): This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering rings to the "-4" current total. Specifically as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from (i) 0 rings to (ii) -1 rings to (iii) -4 rings.
Note (2)(b): Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered.
Archive link
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings.
Note (3)(a): As seen above in "(2)," Kevin Durant has -4 rings.
Note (3)(b): [Math] If Durant were to remain at -4 rings, and subsequently win an NBA title for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This was specifically stated (-4 + 11 = 7), and a question about a non-specifically stated Personal Record Book entry is posed below in "Note (3)(c)(i)."
Note (3)(c): If the Golden State Warriors had won a championship playing 3 on 5 with Kevin Durant, Kevin Durant would have 1 ring.
Note (3)(c)(i): [Confusion] I am unsure if "Note(3)(c)" means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be "up" to -3 rings total. Possibly, Stugotz means if the Golden State Warriors had won a championship 3 on 5 with Durant, Kevin Durant would be at +1 rings total (Positive 1 rings).
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz, none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors so far is not in Stugotz' personal record scroll.
Note (5)(a): Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves).
(6) Westbrook has ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
(8) Per Dan, speaking on Stugotz' behalf, Kevin Durant has no Olympic Gold Medals (9/18/19 National Hour 1 @ 00:07:50).
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings because:
(a) The Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan (+2); and
(b) The Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire (+1; 9 total).
Note (1)(a-b)(i): Put LeBron's rings in a box and put Jordan's rings in a box. Jordan is +6 by the way over LeBron box-minus, despite box-minus sounding like a dumb stat.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast).
Note 2(a): HOWEVER, MJ still has 9 rings as see above in (1)(a) and (1)(b).
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the Golden State Warriors, every Championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs:
(a) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do; and
(b) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do; and
(c) LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, THEN
LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book.
Note (4)(a-c)(i): HOWEVER, Harden & Chris Paul - if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team - are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book.
Note 4(a-c)(ii): To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18), then that wins counts for 6 rings.
Note (5)(a): Thus LeBron would have 9 rings.
Kyrie Irving
(1) Kyrie Irving hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals History, but was only in that position because of LeBron James. Kyrie Irving, did hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals history that won everyone on that team a Ring, except for you (Kyrie). (3/9/20 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 07:00).
Note (1)(a): Stugotz: "A little revision to the uhhh Stugotz Personal Record Book that I'll come around to writing...or Mike will." I'M WRITING IT YOU IDIOT MORON JACKAL
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (Zero) NBA Championship victories.
Note (1)(a): See "Michael Jordan (1)(a)" for reasoning.
Note (1)(a)(i): [Restated Reasoning] Michael Jordan is actually in possession of those 1994 and 1995 Rockets rings because Michael Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed in Chicago.
Note(1)(b): [CONFLICTING HOT TAKE] Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling.
Note (1)(b)(i) NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE. Stugotz keeps going back and forth. In "Michael Jordan Note 1(a)," the opposite of "Miscellaneous Basketball Note (1)(b) is stated because he has gone back and forth on this issue.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships.
Note (6)(a): If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made a Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has 4 rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring
Note (11)(a): Durant still has -4.
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1).
Note (13)(a): The Thunder blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1.
Note (14)(a): This does not apply to Durant though.
Note (14)(b): The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.

BASEBALL

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher.
Note (4)(a): However This is somewhat confusing/interesting because:
(i) Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin; and"
(ii) This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin; because
(iii) The only way this can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter top #1 through #20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M).
Note (1)(a): Excludes Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani.
Note (1)(b): You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with a beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series.
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Red Sox.
Note (6)(a): This "pains" Stugotz.
(7) The Red Sox retroactively winning the 1986 World Series may result in taking a ring away from the Mets.
Note (7)(a): Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00.
(10) Mike Minor (Rangers Pitcher) does not have 200 strikeouts in 2019. He's at 199 (National Hour 2, 10 mins 40 seconds in).
Note (10)(a): Chris agrees too. And who really cares (15% on poll do care).
(11) The 2020-2021 Mets, during the Coronavirus outbreak, are 0-3 and Jacob deGrom is somehow 0-1 with a 0.00 ERA and 1 complete game. The deGrominator. (Google Podcast 3/30 Hour #3 @ 19:20)

HOCKEY

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights.
Note (2)(a): "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

TENNIS

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

GOLF

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

SOCCER

(1) Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."
(2) Soccer is dead.

MISCELLANEOUS

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great, and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool.
Note (4)(a): "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the Horse) only has a double crown.
Note (5)(a): This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie Hall of Fame. and Cliffhanger has the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a Horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
(8) Fruit Stripes Gum is NOT a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer in Stu's "Gum Hall of Fame." (08/12/2019 | Hour 2 @ 15:25).
Note (8)(a): "It loses it's flavor so quickly"
Note (8)(b): Also, "[...] Bazooka...1st Ballot Hall of Famer." Also, "Big League Chew..1st Ballot."
(9) Chris Cote owns all intellectual property rights to the "Friends" (TV Show) Movie with a misleading preview that eventually has a climax leading to an intense murder mystery. (10/29/19 Hour #2 @ 03:15).
Note (9)(a): "If they make this without crediting Cote, they're stealing it."
(10) That guy killed the pigeon (12/10 Hour 3 @ 08:20).
(11) Billy owns the record for world's longest Plank (2/25, Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 30:55).
Note (11)(a): Possibly in just the Non-Marine edition.
(12) Zach Buchanan won a Pulitzer Prize for his story on the Madison Bumgarner / Mason Saunders rodeo fiasco (2/28/20 Hour #2; Google Podcasts @ 21:35).
(13) Findlay the Golden retriever holds the Stu Gotz Personal Record Book record for most tennis balls held in a mouth at one time by a dog at 6 (2/11/2020)
(14) Ace Davis (The kid who "proved" Tom Brady was cheating with science) and his fathefamily are heroes (4/1 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 18:50).
(15) Dan did NOT do more push-ups than Domonique Foxworth (Dan did push-ups on a non-linear platform) (4/28/2020 Hour # 1).

SPORTS MEDIA DREAM TEAM™

Sourced from Google Podcast; 05/06/2020, Hour 2 @ 09:00
(Head Coach) Ernie Johnson - "When you look over to the bench, what you need is someone to stand tall, someone who is confident, someone who is competent, someone who has all the credibility -soaked in credibility - when you have the Head Coach of the Sports Media Dream Team."
(1; Point Guard) Mike Greenberg - "Doesn't really want to answer the big questions, but has no problem distributing those questions to other people who are happy to answer them."
(2; Shooting Guard) Stephen A. Smith - "Never met a topic he doesn't like. Short memory, doesn't care, Greeny could throw him anything and Stephen A. is gonna run with it even if he knows nothing about the topic. That is how it works. Stephen A. is the greatest of all time."
(3; Small Forward) Chris Fowler - "A do it all guy. Studio show? Great. Play by Play? Even better. Can do everything."
(4; Small Forward Replacement) Maria Taylor) - "Need Play by Play, need Sideline, need Studio Host - she can do it all"
(5; Power Forward) Dianna Russini - "You need some crazy, some don't mess with us, someone to tear someone's head off in the event that they come after one of us."
(6; Power Forward Replacement) PFT Commenter - "He just comes in and acts crazy, throws his arms and hair around, and give ya 5 to 10 really crazy minutes."
(7; In honor of the Chicago Bulls, Stugotz needed a Wennington, a Purdue) Scott Van Pelt - Dan debated whether or not SVP should be on the Sports Media Dream Team™. That's what he's doing.
(8; Bench Player w/ No Position Specified) Doris Burke
(9) Teased.../I didn't finish listening to the show yet

[Worstverse]
Pt 2: Werewolves MIGHT Not Be Assholes
​
Hey again guys. It's been a while, couple of months since the first post and yeah... The response was crazy. But beyond that, the stuff that happened in the days, weeks, and months after that post was even more crazy... Crazier? More crazier? Whatever, you get it. But before I get started, I'm actually a chick. Apparently a lot of you figured I was a guy because my crush(now full fledged girlfriend) was a girl. Apologies, I should have been more descriptive about my groin region in the last post. ANYWAY... Here we go again.
​
Alright, so a few days after the post I saw a news report that unnerved the absolute hell out of me. As I was making my way through the neglected mountain of dirty dishes in the kitchen I heard Jasmine call for me to come into the living room of my apartment. A started to ask her what she was carrying on about, but as I rounded the corner and the TV came into view I stopped in my tracks as the image of a burned shack in the middle of the woods glared by at me from the screen.
​
"Isn't that the..." Jasmine started to ask, but I cut her off before she could finish.
​
"Did they say anything about the bodies?"
​
"No. Actually they said there was no sign of human remains. They're apparently looking for the..." She trailed off. I could tell she was thinking back to the men from that night. I might have made it seem like we just brushed it off in the first post, but it was pretty traumatizing for everyone involved. We had talked about it a little, as much as she could for as long as she could hold it together at least.
​
I took it upon myself to start taking a class to learn to protect myself. Not like those cheesy "Grab here while stepping here and striking here" women's self defense courses though. I found a combat school ran by this big Australian bastard that has a more "Take this pointy knife thingy and stab the fucker in the eye till he lets go" approach, and that has some real appeal to me after everything that happened. I'm not much more badass than I was at the time, but I'm getting used to the idea of wrecking someone's shit at least.
​
I'm still trying to convince Jasmine to come to a class with me but I think the whole ordeal had a more introverting effect on her. Dex has decided to get in shape to, and I quote, "Protect you lady folk like a real man." I don't think Dex understands that the community at large has never seen him as a towering monument to masculinity, but at least he's getting healthy. He's taken up cycling. Incidentally the most noticeable change in his appearance so far is that every other day he shows up with a new patch of road rash somewhere on his body.
​
"You don't think there's anything there that'll lead them back to us do you?" She asked worriedly.
​
"N-no. Nah, everything got burned. Besides, we didn't do anything wrong. Why would the police be looking for us?" I asked back.
​
"I don't mean the police." She responded. "I mean there might be other people who have something to do with that lab. What if they moved the bodies and they come looking for us?" She continued.
​
"How would they even find-" I began before being interrupted, as if by some form of divine orchestration, by a loud and assertive knock on the door.
​
The apartment fell into a ringing silence. I began to slowly drag my feet towards the door, inch by inch. Taking at least three times longer than it should have to finally get there, I began to reach out for the knob as another series of loud raps cracked through the quiet and cause me to convulse in shock. I turned to look back at Jasmine who's hands were now clutched in front of her mouth as she watched me reach for the knob one more time with wide eyes.
​
Taking a deep breath I twisted the doorknob and cracked the door just enough to peek out into the hallway.
​
"YO!! Grub Hub! Got your tacos aaaand quesadillas? Yep, quesadillas."
​
"Jesus Christ! It's the god damn taco guy!" I called to Jasmine, realizing we both had completely forgot about ordering food earlier.
​
​
​
It wasn't until a few days later, as I closed the door to my room after coming home from work I heard a voice from behind me.
​
"We need to talk." The voice said, causing me to nearly choke on my own tongue in surprise.
​
I wheeled around to face the source of the noise to see a young man close to my age with deeply tanned skin, dark black hair and stubble, and a red bandanna tied around his head. His clothes were normal clothes, just... put together weirdly. It was hard for me to place at the time. He had an old, tattered red t-shirt underneath an even older black vest. His pants were baggy and frayed at the ankles where they had been cut short to reveal his bare feet. A pirate. He looked like an effing pirate. There was a pirate in my apartment. A had apartment pirates.
​
"WHAT-WHO THE-WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU IN MY ROOM?!" I screamed as I yanked out the knife I had started keeping on me.
​
"Whoa! Take a chill pill there Gamora. After all, you've already had my uhhhh..." The man paused as he produced a stack of papers from his back pocket and began to flip through them. "Uuuh, werewolf dong knocking against your exposed skin." He finished.
​
"I.... What?" I asked in bewilderment.
​
"Yeah." He answered. "I figure after having my dork on your leg, that's a few steps past me seeing the granny panties and lightsaber you got stashed in your top drawer. Plus you kinda pissed yourself right in front of me and God and everyone else, so..."
​
I stood there in silence for a few seconds, my jaw hanging open in absolute confusion before shrieking "YOU WENT THROUGH MY STUFF?!!" It's weird the places your mind can go during situations like that.
​
"Well yeah. You don't go through people's stuff when you break into their bedrooms?" He chuckled.
​
"I don't break into people's rooms!" I shouted back at him. "Wait... The werewolves. You're one of the werewolves." I said as all the gears in my brain finally lined back up, allowing me to think like an actual rational person.
​
"Finally caught on did ya?" He said. "Took long enough. And here I came all this way and not even a hello, how ya been, thanks for saving me and all my friends from getting Bobby Trippe'd and murdered in the middle of nowhere, n-"
​
"WHY ARE YOU HERE?!!" I interrupted at the top of my lungs. "And why are you dressed like a pirate?!" I added, the gold hoop in his ear accentuating his swashbuckling appearance had only added to my frustration.
​
"First of all, that's very offensive. We prefer the term privateer Americans. And second, I'm here about this." He said, waving around the stack of papers he produced a few moments ago. "Your little story got pretty popular. The people that ran that drug operation are going to be looking for whoever fucked up all their shit. And this is going to lead them right back to you as soon as they find it. AND... you can bet your ass the ones that run that show are a lot worse than the creeps you ran into out there."
​
"But how? I didn't even use my name the entire post." I asked, the anger and energy starting to ebb a little with his last statement.
​
"You used ALL of your friends real names! Do you have any idea how easy it is to find out where someone is with just first names and social media?" He scolded. "It took me like 3 hours after I found the post to find out who you were, and another day to find exactly where you live! LOOK!" He continued, pulling out his phone and swiping a few times before showing me the screen. "You even accepted my friend request jackass!"
​
I just stood there, stunned for a few seconds. A dramatically different feeling from only a few moments before. My shock, anger, and mild embarrassment had been swapped for a deep, sinking in the pit of my gut. I might have just led some very bad people back to me and all my friends. And Jasmine... Taking a few more seconds to process everything I finally began to speak again.
​
"I liked you better when you couldn't talk." I mumbled, staring at the ground in shame.
​
"And I liked you better when you were more grateful for me saving your ass." He replied.
​
After a few seconds of shooting each other fowl looks I broke the quiet with, "So where's the other one of you?"
​
"She's... taking care of a few things then she'll be headed this way." He replied with a shit eating grin. "Until then we just chill here." He said as he started to open the door and walk into the living room.
​
"Oh no! You are not camping out in the living room!" I exclaimed, jumping between him and the open door. "I AM NOT explaining you to Steven!(my room mate)"
​
"Ok, your room it is." He said, walking across the room and plopping down on my bed, kicking his feet up as his did.
​
"Your feet are fucking filthy." I growled, noticing the blackened bottoms of his feet resting on my clean blanket.
​
"Huh, what?" He mumbled to himself, grabbing his ankle and pulling it up to check. "Oh shit you're right." He said as he wiped his nasty man paws on the blanket. "There, how's that?" He asked, proudly displaying his now slightly less dirty feet to me.
​
I could tell he genuinely thought he had just done something good by cleaning his feet on my blanket. He thought I was mad they were dirty so he cleaned them to make me happy. I had more of an urge to scratch his ear than yell at him at that point. I looked at the sullied comforter and felt my eye twitch a little and just decided to sit down in my office chair.
​
​
​
"Exactly how long are we supposed to be waiting?" I groaned several hours later, through my hands I had been resting my face in for the past 90 minutes or so.
​
"Not much longer." He said, checking a wrist watch that very obviously wasn't there.
​
"Well... Thanks for like... helping again and junk." I said with my chin still resting in my hands.
​
"Oh don't get too excited. You got lucky last time. This one's gonna cost ya." He said, laying his head back on the pillow.
​
"That's... cryptic." I replied suspiciously. "So... what's your name?" I added.
​
"Milo." He answered plainly.
​
"Oh. Hmm." I huffed to myself, mildly disappointed that it wasn't some cliché Underworld werewolf name like Lucian or Raz or something.
​
About ten more minutes past before I heard Milo's phone chirp. He slid it out of his pocket and checked the screen. "That's her." He said, clumsily climbing out of my bed. "They're at the front door." He added.
​
"No no. You stay. I'll go let her in." I said, hurriedly standing from my chair. Unfortunately that didn't go well at all. Several hours of sitting with my elbows on my legs had given me major toilet leg and as I stood both of my now COMPLETELY numb legs tried to fold backwards in on themselves. This caused my whole body to crumple face first into the hardwood floor of my room with a dull thud. I heard a loud cackle as Milo pressed his face into my pillow, kicking his feet with manic laughter.
​
"Oh god, I'm sorry. I shouldn't laugh. Are you ok?" He asked, still chuckling as tears rolled down his cheeks.
​
I shot him a hateful look as I wobbled to my feet. I somehow managed to baby deer walk across the apartment to the front door as the living hell of pins and needles began to set in. I cracked the door just to make sure who was actually supposed to be there, was. As she came into view I caught myself looking at what could have been the most gorgeous creature to ever walk the face of the earth. I slowly swung the door the rest of the way open, reveling her and all her splendor. She had the thickest curly black hair that spun its way down past her shoulders and over her dark, olive skin. Her eyes were a light blue and seemed to go on forever just like a clear sky on a sunny day at the beach. She was draped in clothes the same color and fashion as Milo, but infinitely more lavish and beautiful. She was about as inconspicuous as a Christmas day parade.
​
"Hello! My name is Teagan. It's so nice to see you again!.... My love, are you not well?" She spoke with the heaviest eastern European accent I had ever heard, and even that was beautiful to my ears. She must have taken my moment of total unresponsive silence coupled with my erratically trembling legs as some form of illness. I don't think I had ever blushed so hard in my life. Suddenly Jasmine stepped between us with a scowl.
​
"She's fine!" She said sharply. "Come on stud. Back so we can all get in."
​
"What are you-Who's we? Who's all here?" I stuttered, trying to peek around the corner to no avail.
​
"Everyone." She answered. "Dex, Trey, Joanna, and Lesley. Teagan rounded us all up and brought us here. She told us who she was and that she'll explain everything once we get to your place."
​
Not even attempting to resist at this point I just put my finger over my mouth, gesturing for them to be quiet so they didn't disturb my room mate, then silently lead the small crowd into my increasingly packed room. Coming in last, I managed to shove and elbow my way back to my chair and sat down as Milo began to explain the entirety and severity of the situation.
​
"So... this wasn't just a social visit because you both missed us so much?" Trey said sarcastically, breaking the silence that fell once Milo's exposition was over.
​
Teagan quickly strolled over to him. "Oh no my love! We missed you so very much as well! You are all such wonderful people!" She exclaimed, hugging him tightly when she reached him. Apparently she didn't catch the sarcasm as was attempting to comfort him. We all new she was just being nice, but I think we all also chose to believe it on the grounds of the idea that the corporeal angel we were currently confined in my room with missed us warmed our hearts. This woman oozed mama bear energy like you can't even imagine.
​
"So we have a bunch of meth dealers about to go Walter White on our asses and we're supposed to do... what, exactly? Call the police?" Dex asked over Teagan's soothing hums as she rocked poor Trey in her arms as she continued to hug him comfortingly.
​
"Oh it's not really that simple." Milo answered back. "They're not juuust meth dealers. They might, kinda, sorta be... vampires."
​
"VAMPIRES!! Bullshit! Nope! You're just screwing with us again! GET. OUT!" I yelled, jumping up from my chair.
​
I had had enough. I was tired and hungry and ill tempered and everyone was in my room and I was over it. All I could think was of the nerve it took for them to pull some shit like this after everything we'd already been through.
​
"Ok calm d-" Milo started before I picked up the nearest heavy object and got ready to chuck it at his head. "HEY! Hey! I was a 7 foot tall murder pupper the first time you saw me. Would it really be going out on a limb to entertain the idea that vampires might just possibly be a thing?" He added, his hands out in front of him, ready to repel my impending attack.
​
Hearing him call himself a 7 foot murder pupper made me crack a begrudging smile. Still holding the empty mug over my head, this gave me a second to actually remember that I had been considering the possibility of what other creatures like that might exist ever since that night.
​
"I mean... I guess, maybe." I said, placing the mug back down on my desk. "Well? So how do... vampires tie into all this shit?" I continued, choking slightly on the word as it made its way up.
​
"Ok, you know how we add things to our food to make it taste better? Like butter and salt and pepper? Well they like to do that too. And one of the ways they like to do that, one of their favorite ways, is meth. They get some poor schmuck spun out on the stuff, and then, right after their last hit, as they're on their last breath of life, they suck them dry like a meth head cocktail. The drug apparently effects the taste of the blood in just such a way that it, combined with the effects of the actual drug itself, is like a total delicacy for them. It's kinda like how people do veal, just slightly less fucked up maybe. And selling the meth means they make hella cash while they take the Snack Packs to Flavor Town."
​
"That's really messed up..." Lesley spoke up. "But what are we supposed to do? Can't you guys just, you know, turn back into wolves and get rid of them?"
​
"It is not so simple my sweet darling." Teagan answered. "Turning to a wolf is not so easy as in movies and takes time and preparation."
​
"What do you mean?" Trey asked, having finally escaped Teagan's clutches.
​
"You know how in the movies you see some dude morph into a giant wolf that's like twice as massive as he was as a regular person? Well did you ever stop to think where all that extra mass comes from?" Milo answered. "To get that big we have to eat that much and more before hand. That shit doesn't just come from nowhere. We have to collect it, eat it, store it, THEN change." He continued to explain. "So me and Teagan need a place to, well... store, and before that we have to figure out where they are operating so we can plan and get ready. Also we are going to need A LOT of food. We're gonig to get rid of them for you, but we're also going to need your help this go round."
​
Teagan added, "You also need somewhere to stay not home. Regular homes aren't safe. They'll find you there and us if we stay too."
​
All of a sudden every eye was on me. In confusion I looked over my shoulders hoping there was someone with an actual idea standing behind me. There wasn't. So I said the only thing I could think of. "I... could call Gay Jake."
​
​
​
​
​
​
About an hour later we all had small travel bags packed with clothes, phone chargers, tooth brushes, and were on our way to Gay Jake's. Gay Jake lived on the outside of town in his own house, and thanks to his parents, had more money than God. It also happened that his best friend Lita was staying there while she was in town. This was super lucky because she like hunts or used to hunt poachers or something. Anyway, she's supposed to have killed more men than malaria, and while Milo and Teagan are getting their shit together I think we'd all be pretty safe around her should something go down at the house.
​
Milo and Teagan ended up riding with me and Jasmine in the back seat. About half way there Teagan asked, "So you think we can trust this Gay Jake with out secrets and to keep them safe?"
​
Jasmine answered, "Oh yeah totally. Gay Jake is keeping secrets about half of the people in the state from the other half of them. He's one of the nicest people in the world too. I don't think he's ever not helped someone when they needed it. But he does have a really fruity southern accent so please don't make fun of him."
​
"ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Milo screeched from the back seat. "He's rich, super nice, has dirt on everyone, has a super fruity southern accent, AND his name is Gay Jake?! He sounds like the coolest guy ever and I have to meet him! I NEED to meet him."
​
Jasmine and I both laughed at the idea that the actual mythical creature in the back of the car was so excited to meet Gay Jake. After that it took about 10 minutes to get to the house, going slow to keep from drawing attention or anything. We pulled in at close to 11:00, only to see Gay Jake's body lying in the middle of the driveway.
​
"HOLY SHIT! Is he ok?!" Milo yelled from the back as Teagan gasped in shock.
​
"He's fine." I said. "That's just how he waits for company sometimes. Move shit head!" I yelled out the window, laying on the car horn as I did.
​
His arm popped up off the ground, middle finger proudly extended, a large grin cracking across his face. As he hoisted himself off the ground I yelled again, "I will run your gay ass over!"
​
"Well now isn't that the carpet muncher calling the kettle black!" He said, walking over to the open window. "Yall alright? You get here ok?" He asked, sticking his head through the window to check on everyone.
​
"Yeah, everyone else ought to be pulling up in a second. We really owe you one for this Jake." I answered.
​
"Oh hunny yall don't owe me a damn thing. Now go on up there and get parked and head inside. I'll make sure everyone else gets in alright." He exclaimed. "And help yourselves to anything in the kitchen. Yall know where everythin' is. It hadn't changed none."
​
"I... love... him..." Milo whispered in my ear as we drove up the driveway to park.
​
We all filed into the house, which was immaculate and well decorated as always. Although through no doing of Gay Jake himself. "Just cause I like men don't mean I know what lamp goes with those curtains." He would say when someone asked if he did the decorating himself. We spread out as we entered through the back door and all found a place to sit. All except for Milo who made a B line for the kitchen.
​
"So... How do you, or I should say how does one end up a werewolf?" Jasmine asked to break the silence. "If it's ok to ask." She added.
​
Teagan got up out of her seat and sat down next to Jasmine, wrapping her arm around her shoulders and pulling her in closer. "Oh darling, you may ask me any questions you like. To be werewolf you have to exchange the fluids with an already werewolf." She explained.
​
"Oh, so a bite? They do have to bite you?" Jasmine said.
​
cough cough Milo exaggerated from the entrance to the kitchen to get our attention. He shook his head then held up both hands, making a circle with his thumb and index finger with one and extended the index finger of the other before moving his extended index finger in and out of the circle few times. Once he was satisfied with our disgusted he retreated once again into the kitchen.
​
"Oh... Oh my." Jasmine said, turning back towards Teagan who had an affirmingly blushed expression on her face. "So... did one of you... You know... the other?" She added.
​
"Yes. I met Milo when he came to my home of Romania on vacation. He had much more money back then. A gift from his grandfather when he died I think. I made him werewolf there then we came back here together." Teagan explained.
​
"That sounds like a beautiful story." Jasmine gushed.
​
"Oh darling it is! I must tell you all of it sometime!" Teagan said as Joanna, Trey, Lesley, and Dex walked in from the back door, followed shortly by Gay Jake.
​
"What happened to Talk Dark and Mansome you pulled in here with?" Gay Jake asked me as he made his way in, looking around at everyone.
​
"He's in the kitchen." I answered.
​
"Alright, I'm gonna go get him in here then you're gonna tell me all about whatever this shit is yall got yourselves into." Gay Jake said before heading into the kitchen.
​
I had just begun to ask if they had noticed anything unusual on their way over but before I could get the words out I heard a racket in the kitchen. Milo came whipping around the corner with his arms up over his head for cover, Gay Jake close behind yelling and swatting at him with a paper plate.
​
"Go on now! Shoo! Git! Scat! I was saving that for later!" Gay Jake screamed, continuing his paper plate barrage. "He just ate damn near everything in my refrigerator and still sniffed out the damn cheeseburger in the microwave I just got before yall got here and hadn't got to eat yet!" He complained with visible distress.
​
Milo ran across the room in an attempt to seek shelter from Gay Jake's fury. As he did I noticed that, unlike before, his once fairly average body now had a pretty noticeable gut that jiggled as he ran. "He can really put it away." I thought to myself.
​
"We'll go get you another cheeseburger." I reassured him in an attempt to rescue Milo... the werewolf.
​
Once I got everything calmed down and everyone got situated in the living room, I began to explain the ENTIRETY of the situation to him. Gay Jake, never being the judgmental type, took the insanity of the story in stride. Though he did have some well founded disbelief.
​
"Nah, bullshit. I'm not gonna sit here and have someone tell me that these two are some damn werewolves." He said, pointing in the direction of Milo and Teagan. "And yall want me to believe that yall are in trouble with... drug dealing vampires because Hamburglar over there burned down their meth lab? What they hell are you kids on?"
​
"I know it's sounds like the weirdest, craziest shit on earth but it's true." Trey spoke up. "Maybe if one of them could like turn into a wolf, would that convince you?" He added.
​
"Ok yeah, you get one of them to turn into a wolf in front of me and I'll believe it." Gay Jake answered.
​
"But didn't you hear them?" Lesley interjected. "They said they have to prepare and that it takes time. They can't just-"
​
"Yeah I got this!" Milo said, hopping up from his seat and rolling up his right sleeve to the shoulder.
​
He held out his arm and started to strain and grunt as the muscles in his arm began to tighten. Slowly they began to grow as his skin darkened. Before long thick, black hairs began to sprout and then, suddenly... SNAP!! POP!! CRUNCH!! His arm began to stretch along with his fingers.
​
"SHIT!" He shouted on the first loud snap. He then clenched his jaw and grimaced as his right arm became unrecognizable to what it was moments ago. "Come on you fuckers. Almost there." He said to himself through gritted teeth, as he flexed and shook the tips of his elongated fingers as the nightmarish claws began to protrude and pop away the fingernails they were growing out from under. As this went on I was the only one who noticed that his newly obtained belly had been receding back into its normal size.
​
"Oh my god are you ok?! That looks like it hurt like a bitch!" Gay Jake shouted as he ran to Milo's aid, who's face was now bright red and covered in sweat. His right arm now looked exactly as it had the night we met, and do mean EXACTLY. It was way out of proportion to his body, the tips of his claws just short of touching the floor.
​
Once Gay Jake had a chance to take everything in, we began to get on the same page. He had always been one to stay calm and take things pretty well, but I don't think anyone expected him to just accept that a man grew a werewolf arm right in front of him.
​
When I asked him how he managed to stay so cool in the situation he replied with a sassy, "Sweetheart, if I look this good and I'm still single then anything is possible."
​
After that we sat and talked for hours in attempt to formulate a plan. But like most people our age, we only managed to agree to put it off until later and focus on getting more food. It became apparent that we weren't going to get anywhere after Gay Jake spoke out mid conversation.
​
"Alright look! You're gonna have to do something with that!" He exclaimed, pointing at Milo's grossly oversized wolf appendage.
​
"But you seemed so accepting of it earlier." Dex chimed in sarcastically.
​
"I was and I am!" Gay Jake argued back. "But it still freaks me right the fuck out. I keep thinkin' it's gonna try to crawl towards me or something. Just, here, put this blanket over it."
​
​
​
​
​
That morning I went to the grocery store accompanied by Dex and Lita, who had been asleep upstairs the night before. We also were in the company of Gay Jake's no limit credit card and Lesley's van so we could haul as much food as possible, not only to feed the troop of people currently camped out in the house, but to bulk up our two lycanthropic allies. It also turns out to everyone's surprise that Lita required absolutely no convincing that Milo and Teagan were werewolves and that we're on a spun out gang of vampires' shit list.
​
As it would happen, Lita already new about all that shit. According to her she was a licensed member of the American United Association of Certified Vampire Control Technicians, or A.U.A.C.V.C.T for... short. Auacvct, if you prefer. She had become a memeber after meeting some guy during one of her usual anti poaching assignments that suggested she had the right stuff and showed her how to apply. Apparently it's a lot less hush hush and ceremonious than you'd think. So that means that she's not necessarily a full time vampire hunter, but she's licensed to by the government or something. I remember hearing a story about her one time.
​
During one of her assignments with a tiger preservation organization she saw a poacher about to kill a wild tiger, and since he hadn't noticed her yet, she just shot him in the ass with her rifle and let the tiger maul him to death in the mild of the jungle. This chick is THE matron saint of fucks ungiven. The fact that she ended up being an actual vampire hunter seriously made me wonder if we were all extremely lucky or extremely unlucky. As she was a very fortunate, billion to one shot protection to a very unfortunate, billion to one shot problem. A fortune teller would lose their shit if they tried to read my palm at that point.
​
As we pulled into the Walmart parking lot I wondered to myself if this wasn't possibly too much. After all we still didn't have any indication that the people who ran the operation out of that shed were even after us, and definitely nothing to suggest they were vampires. But my suspicions wouldn't last long past that.
​
After we had finished our shopping and were headed back out to the van with two overloaded buggies a piece, the call of nature struck. "Ok guys, I've got like Kentucky Derby levels of race horse piss in my bladder, so I'm gonna run back in real quick. It'll just take a second." I said as I loaded my last bag into the vehicle.
​
"A second my ass!" Dex complained. "You've got like the biggest bladder of anyone on earth. You're going to be in there forever. Where do you even put it all?"
​
"Pee is stored in the balls!" I yelled back at him as I walked away, knowing how much he hated that saying. I heard his agitated "UGH!" fade into the distance as I got close to the entrance.
​
When I walked through the doors I saw that the greeter had switched from the one who was there when we first arrived. Where the first greeter was an older man, this new one seemed to be a middle age woman who's hair and makeup could only be described as "I'd like to speak to your manager." It only got worse as she greeted me in the most energetic, peppy voice possible. A morning person... I'd have rather ran right down the mouth of one of those bipedal meth mosquitoes than a morning person.
​
I managed to grimace a smile and a nod as I passed by and headed to the restrooms. On my way there, in one of the aisles I passed by a man in a hoodie who kept staring at me as I walked by. I decided that if he started to follow me I'd call Lita and tell her to get her G.I. Jane ass in here. But he stayed where he was and I made it to the bathroom in one piece.
​
I walked in and slipped into a stall to do my business. While I was in it I thought I might have heard the door to the restroom open but it was so quiet I figured it must have been the door to the men's room instead. Once I had finished bleeding the phantom lizard I popped the latch on the stall door and started to walk out only to be impeded by the wide smiling face of... the morning person from the front of the store.
​
"Ugh." I thought. "Excuse me ma'am." I said trying to step past her. But to my surprise she put her hand against my chest and shoved me back into the stall, hard. My head bounced of the tile wall and my vision dotted and speckled as I fought to stay conscious. I came to my senses just as she leaned down into my face.
​
"I thought that was you! You're staying right here sugar." She hummed in that same insufferably cheerful voice. "I'm just going to call for a little help and then we're going to cart you off and torture you until you tell us where all your little friends are."
​
"I'm not going any fucking where with you..." I mumbled, still in a daze from the impact. "You have to take me out of this bathroom and the second you do I'll pitch a bitch like you can't imagine. You'll never make it out the door with me."
​
"HAHA! Oh no sugar, you won't be doing a darn thing after I take just enough blood out to not kill you. Why you won't even be able to stand on your own after I'm done. Now let me just get comfortable first and..." She cooed.
​
She then started to lift me off the floor and up against the stall partition. As fear and panic started to set in I tried to scream but she pressed her hand over my mouth so hard I could taste blood from my lip. I kicked and squirmed and punch but nothing even seemed to bother her as I felt the hand on my mouth begin to push my head to one side and expose my neck. I watched in horror as her face aged 40 years in front of me. Her now bloodshot eyeballs seemed to bulge from their sockets as she opened her mouth and extended her tongue. At that point her front teeth had began to retract upwards to reveal just two large, sharp, triangular fangs that spanned the entirety of where all of her original teeth should have been. After this the top of her tongue began to split down the middle and blossom open to expose rows upon rows of tiny, cactus like spines, making a revolting suction sound as it did.
​
She started to lean in towards me, excitement gurgling from her open maw. I still couldn't pry myself from her grip despite my frantic struggle. Just as I felt her hot breath on my face I slammed the point of my knife straight into her exposed eye with every bit of strength I could muster. While she had been putting her game face on I had managed to get my hand underneath my shirt and free the knife from my waistband. I felt the tip hit bone and a grinding, scrapping sensation as the blade slid across the back of the socket. I took my other hand and hammered it into the butt of the handle just to really sink it in. The knife was pulled from my grip as she snatched her head sideways, emitting a screech of agony as she hit the floor and began to flail.
​
I didn't hesitate. I bolted from the stall and slammed into the locked door, frantically trying to turn the latch I finally managed to get it open and take off through the store. By the time I got back to the van Lita was in the driver's seat facing Dex in the back. I opened the passenger door and got in as fast as possible.
​
"See! I told you that you'd take forever! We've been in here for like 15 minutes and Lita keeps doing that thing where she keeps saying "I must break you" in Dloph Lundgrin's voice and she knows it freaks me out!" Dex griped as I sat down.
​
"It's not my fault he's a pu-... Hey are you ok?!" Lita said once she turned to look at me and saw the sweat running down my face and the blood dripping out of my mouth. Before I could collect my thoughts and answer, broken glass exploded in the cab from the driver's side window. Morning Bitch must have went out a back door, circled around, and dived through the window after us. It took took Lita a second to orient herself but once she did, oh boy. Ohhh boy. Operation Oh Hell No went into full effect. Lita grabbed the handle of my knife that was still sticking out of her eye socket to hold her head in place and started raining down elbows on her temple like it was what all the cool kids were doing. Every blow bouncing Morning Bitch's head off the steering wheel causing the horn to bark out over the sounds of Dex freaking the absolute fuck out in the back.
​
Lita continued the onslaught until the blade finally slipped loose from her head, allowing her to slide out of the window and onto the pavement. As soon as we heard the dull thud of her body crumple to the ground Lita fried up the engine and peeled out of the parking lot as fast as she could.
​
"Are you ok?" She asked once again, glancing back and forth from the road to me.
​
"Yeah, yeah I'm good." I answered, Looking down at my hand when I felt a warm, stinging sensation in my palm. A deep gash ran through the center of my palm. My hand must have slid down onto the edge when I stabbed her. As I looked I noticed a few thin, black lines snaking their way around, peeking out from under the flowing blood as they headed down my wrist towards my arm.
​
Sliding my hand into my pocket I reassured her,
"I'm fine. Everything's fine."

The Contrarian Opportunity in Sports Stocks (CHDN, DKNG, BTDG, DKS)
https://biopharmajournal.com/2020/10/01/the-contrarian-opportunity-in-sports-stocks-chdn-dkng-btdg-dks/
Experts continue to see a coming vaccine for the virus behind the pandemic, and hospitalizations and deaths continue to diverge from case numbers, which is another very positive potential signal, despite mainstream clamoring about a looming “twindemic” disaster, as a purported second wave coincides with cold and flu season.
All of this may add up to risk for bear bets in the market, especially those targeting the sports industry, which has been reeling from a lack of public participation in live events. That may represent a potential opportunity for access to long-term growth potential at a discount at present prices.
With that in mind, we take a look at some of the most interesting stocks in the space, including: Churchill Downs Inc (NASDAQ:CHDN), Draftkings Inc (Nasdaq:DKNG), B2Digital Inc (OTCMKTS:BTDG), and Dicks Sporting Goods Inc (NYSE:DKS).
Churchill Downs Inc (NASDAQ:CHDN) is a prime specimen for bears looking to bet against live events due to a lack of public perception of safety. The company has the double whammy of also being part of the gaming industry, which has taken a big hit as well.
The company bills itself as an industry-leading racing, online wagering, and gaming entertainment company anchored by our iconic flagship event – The Kentucky Derby. The company owns and operates Derby City Gaming, a historical racing machine facility in Louisville, Kentucky. It also owns and operates the largest online horse racing wagering platform in the U.S., TwinSpires.com, and sports betting and iGaming through its BetAmerica platform in multiple states. CHDN is also a leader in brick-and-mortar casino gaming with approximately 11,000 slot machines and video lottery terminals and 200 table games in eight states.
Churchill Downs Inc (NASDAQ:CHDN) most recently announced its plans to open simulcast and historical racing machine operations at Oak Grove Racing, Gaming & Hotel in Oak Grove, Kentucky, to the public on Friday, September 18. According to the release, Oak Grove will debut 1,325 state-of-the-art HRMs with some of the best themes from Ainsworth, Scientific Games and International Gaming Technology. Dining and beverage options include Garrison Oak Steakhouse, two quick serve eateries, a coffee house, sports bar and luxurious lobby bar. The second phase of the Oak Grove project will open in October 2020 and will include a 128-room hotel, equestrian center, amphitheater, and RV Park.
“We have an exceptional team poised to deliver a premier entertainment experience and regional destination for Western Kentucky and nearby Nashville, Tennessee,” said Bill Carstanjen, CEO of CDI. “We are committed to investments like Oak Grove that will help support live racing at Kentucky racetracks by generating larger purses and attracting better horses.”
And the stock has been acting well over recent days, up something like 12% in that time.
Churchill Downs, Inc. (NASDAQ:CHDN) managed to rope in revenues totaling $185.1M in overall sales during the company’s most recently reported quarterly financial data — a figure that represents a rate of top line growth of -61.2%, as compared to year-ago data in comparable terms. In addition, the company has a strong balance sheet, with cash levels far exceeding current liabilities ($699M against $488.2M).
Draftkings Inc (Nasdaq:DKNG) is well aligned with the fate of the NFL at this point. And, given recent news of virus outbreaks for the Titans and Vikings, and possibly others, the stock has held up quite well, but may still have further to squeeze if we see contrarian positives on the virus front in the near term.
In a nutshell, the company provides users with daily sports, sports betting, and iGaming opportunities. It is also involved in the design and development of sports betting and casino gaming platform software for online and retail sportsbook, and casino gaming products. The company distributes its product offerings through various channels, including traditional websites, direct app downloads, and direct-to-consumer digital platforms.
Draftkings Inc (Nasdaq:DKNG) most recently announced that Erik Bradbury has been named the Company’s Chief Accounting Officer and principal accounting officer effective September 10, 2020, reporting to Jason Park, the Company’s Chief Financial Officer. Mr. Bradbury, who brings more than 16 years of experience in corporate accounting to DraftKings, was most recently a Partner with Ernst & Young and served as a Professional Accounting Fellow at Financial Executives International.
“We are thrilled to have Erik join DraftKings at this exciting time,” said Jason Park, DraftKings Chief Financial Officer. “Erik brings a breadth of expertise working with public companies applying U.S. GAAP, IFRS, and SEC reporting requirements, which will enhance our already strong corporate accounting team and help scale this function as the Company continues to grow.”
And the stock has been acting well over recent days, up something like 19% in that time. Shares of the stock have powered higher over the past month, rallying roughly 51% in that time on strong overall action.
Draftkings Inc (Nasdaq:DKNG) brought in over $71 million in its last quarterly financial data.
B2Digital Inc (OTCMKTS:BTDG) is “the premier development league in MMA”. That’s a pretty good spot. Especially considering that the company is verticalizing on the media side, creating strong marketing and distribution agreements to showcase its top talent across the country and around the world.
The company operates live events, pay-per-view media, gyms, and other resources to maximize the development of future stars in the MMA sport. B2Digital operates a number of fighting events brands, including Pinnacle, HRMMA, Strikehard, and others, and has developed and deployed the systems and technologies for the operation of the B2 Fighting Series. This includes social media marketing, event management, digital ticketing sales, digital video distribution, digital marketing, PPV, FTV, merchandise sales, brand management, and financial control systems. B2Digital owns all rights for TV, internet, social media, media, merchandising and trademarks, and branding for the B2Digital companies.
B2Digital Inc (OTCMKTS:BTDG) most recently announced that its Pinnacle Combat 32 MMA event in Farley, Iowa, on Saturday, September 26, featuring a combination of top amateur and pro fights, was another successful venture with a solid pay-per-view presence and sold out in-person attendance.
According to the release, the event drove larger in-person revenue levels on a per-ticket basis due to an increased in-person attendance allowance. The event also generated higher overall margins on each attendee ticket sold than in the Company’s prior event in Alabama.
“Iowa was a huge success that dramatically exceeded our expectations despite the headwinds presented by the difficult context,” commented Greg P. Bell, Chairman & CEO of B2Digital. “That success was driven by strong organic growth as our brand continues to rapidly expand. But it was also likely aided by a sense of pent-up demand for live MMA action. The other big success we saw on Saturday was a very strong performance from our new B2InstaStore marketing program. We gave our fighters, fans, and followers a resource for driving ticket sales and they have responded.”
B2Digital Inc (OTCMKTS:BTDG) has shown strong sales growth, and more importantly, has put in place a number of strategies pointing to accelerating breakout growth ahead, including innovations on the marketing front and an aggressive schedule of live PPV events this fall.
Dicks Sporting Goods Inc (NYSE:DKS) operates as a sporting goods retailer primarily in the eastern United States. It provides hardlines, including sporting goods equipment, fitness equipment, golf equipment, and hunting and fishing gear products; apparel; and footwear and accessories.
The company also owns and operates Golf Galaxy, Field & Stream, and other specialty concept stores; and e-commerce websites, as well as GameChanger, a youth sports mobile app for scheduling, communications, and live scorekeeping. As of May 02, 2020, it operated 726 DICK’S Sporting Goods stores.
Dicks Sporting Goods Inc (NYSE:DKS) just announced that it will expand its nationwide footprint with the opening of one DICK’S Sporting Goods store, one combination DICK’S and Golf Galaxy location, and one Golf Galaxy store in September. These new stores will bring approximately 150 collective jobs to communities through the hiring of full-time, part-time and temporary associates for the stores.
According to the company’s release, DICK’S Sporting Goods and Golf Galaxy locations will offer top-of-the-line in-store services and exclusive offerings in apparel, footwear and equipment from the Company’s own private brands, such as DSG, Tommy Armour, CALIA by Carrie Underwood, Field & Stream and Fitness Gear, as well as popular national vendors like Nike, adidas, YETI, The North Face, Callaway and TaylorMade.
The context for this announcement is a bit of a bid, with shares acting well over the past five days, up about 9% in that timeframe.
Dicks Sporting Goods Inc (NYSE:DKS) managed to rope in revenues totaling $2.7B in overall sales during the company’s most recently reported quarterly financial data — a figure that represents a rate of top line growth of 20.1%, as compared to year-ago data in comparable terms. In addition, the company is battling some balance sheet hurdles, with cash levels struggling to keep up with current liabilities ($1.1B against $2.3B, respectively).

The Rebirth of Live Sports Stocks (WWE, CHDN, BTDG, MSGS)
We are increasingly seeing some positive signs unfold on the virus front, with declining rates of infection, hospitalizations, and deaths, and some more movement on the treatment and vaccine fronts. The end of this pandemic may be in sight, at least in terms of the sense that we are in a collective crisis that shapes our daily lives week-in and week-out.
In step with that shift, we are seeing money move in the markets, with the Dow suddenly sharply outperforming the Nasdaq over the past week, and gold and silver falling sharply while interest rates start to rise, and oil companies and banks stocks break out to the upside.
All of those market signals may be telling us that the landscape is shifting and all of these undervalued stocks that have been hampered by the virus over the past six months may finally be ready to come back.
That points to outsized upside potential in industries like cruise lines, airlines, and – today’s focus – live sports.
With that in mind, we take a look at a selection of active stocks in the live sporting events space, including World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. (NYSE:WWE), Churchill Downs, Inc. (NASDAQ:CHDN), B2Digital Inc (OTCMKTS:BTDG), and Madison Square Garden Sports Corp (NYSE:MSGS).
World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. (NYSE:WWE) trumpets itself as an integrated media and entertainment company, engages in the sports entertainment business in North America, Europe, the Middle East, Africa, the Asia Pacific, and Latin America.
It operates through three segments: Media, Live Events, and Consumer Products. The Media segment engages in the production and monetization of long-form and short-form media content across various platforms, including WWE Network, pay television, and digital and social media, as well as filmed entertainment. The Live Events segment is involved in the sale of tickets, including primary and secondary distribution; provision of event services; and sale of travel packages related to its live events.
World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. (NYSE:WWE) just announced that Nick Khan, former Co-Head of Television at Creative Artists Agency (CAA), has been named President & Chief Revenue Officer, reporting directly to WWE Chairman & CEO Vince McMahon.
“Nick is a seasoned media executive with a deep understanding of our business and a proven track record of generating significant value for sports and entertainment properties,” said McMahon. “While representing WWE at CAA, he was instrumental in transforming our business model by securing domestic media rights increases of 3.6x over our previous agreements. Nick’s management style and personal demeanor are perfect for WWE’s entrepreneurial culture, and he will fit right in with our exceptional management team.”
If you’re long this stock, then you’re liking how the stock has responded to the announcement. WWE shares have been moving higher over the past week overall, pushing about 2% to the upside on above average trading volume.
WWE shares have been relatively flat over the past month of action, with very little net movement during that period.
World Wrestling Entertainment, Inc. (NYSE:WWE) managed to rope in revenues totaling $223.4M in overall sales during the company’s most recently reported quarterly financial data — a figure that represents a rate of top line growth of -16.9%, as compared to year-ago data in comparable terms. In addition, the company has a strong balance sheet, with cash levels far exceeding current liabilities ($547.9M against $544.3M).
Churchill Downs, Inc. (NASDAQ:CHDN) bills itself as an industry-leading racing, online wagering, and gaming entertainment company anchored by our iconic flagship event – The Kentucky Derby.
The company owns and operates Derby City Gaming, a historical racing machine facility in Louisville, Kentucky. It also owns and operates the largest online horse racing wagering platform in the U.S., TwinSpires.com, and sports betting and iGaming through its BetAmerica platform in multiple states. CHDN is also a leader in brick-and-mortar casino gaming with approximately 11,000 slot machines and video lottery terminals and 200 table games in eight states.
Churchill Downs, Inc. (NASDAQ:CHDN) most recently reported business results for the second quarter ended June 30, 2020.
Highlights from the quarter include: net revenue of $185.1 million, down 61% over the prior year quarter, a net loss of $118.8 million compared to net income(a) of $107.1 million in the prior year quarter, adjusted net loss of $21.1 million, compared to adjusted net income of $115.0 million in the prior year quarter, adjusted EBITDA of $30.1 million, down 86% compared to $215.0 million in the prior year quarter, and strong performance from TwinSpires with $18.3 million of Adjusted EBITDA growth and $100.7 million of handle growth, or 21.6%, over the prior year quarter despite the rescheduling of the 146th Kentucky Oaks and Derby to September.
And the stock has been acting well over recent days, up something like 17% in that time. Shares of the stock have powered higher over the past month, rallying roughly 30% in that time on strong overall action.
Churchill Downs, Inc. (NASDAQ:CHDN) generated sales of $185.1M, according to information released in the company’s most recent quarterly financial report. That adds up to a sequential quarter-over-quarter growth rate of -26.8% on the top line. In addition, the company has a strong balance sheet, with cash levels far exceeding current liabilities ($699M against $488.2M).
B2Digital Inc (OTCMKTS:BTDG) styles itself as the premier development league for the mixed martial arts (MMA) fighting sport. The company operates live events, pay-per-view media, gyms, and other resources to maximize the development of future stars in the MMA sport.
B2Digital operates a number of fighting events brands, including Pinnacle, HRMMA, Strikehard, and others, and has developed and deployed the systems and technologies for the operation of the B2 Fighting Series. This includes social media marketing, event management, digital ticketing sales, digital video distribution, digital marketing, PPV, FTV, merchandise sales, brand management, and financial control systems.
B2Digital owns all rights for TV, internet, social media, media, merchandising and trademarks, and branding for the B2Digital companies.
B2Digital Inc (OTCMKTS:BTDG) most recently announced its upcoming event schedule, which should be a very good sign for shareholders given that it has a strong offering on tap with 13 major events set across 5 states over the next three and a half months.
We would also note that the company has been apparently in a uniquely strong position in terms of laying a foundation for the world that comes after the virus, with a number of assets acquired on the cheap and a clear reduction in overall competition. That could position BTDG for some serious upside potential if the cards deal right from here.
If you’re long this stock, then you’re liking how the stock has responded to the announcement. BTDG shares have been moving higher over the past week overall, pushing about 113% to the upside on above average trading volume. Shares of the stock have powered higher over the past month, rallying roughly 257% in that time on strong overall action.
B2Digital Inc (OTCMKTS:BTDG) pulled in sales of $169K in its last reported quarterly financials, representing top line growth of 155%. In addition, the company is stocking over $75K on hand liquid cash assets.
Madison Square Garden Sports Corp (NYSE:MSGS) is a professional sports company with a collection of assets that includes the New York Knicks (NBA) and the New York Rangers (NHL); two development league teams, including the Westchester Knicks (NBAGL) and the Hartford Wolf Pack (AHL); and esports teams.
The company also owns two professional sports team performance centers, including the MSG training center in Greenburgh, New York and the CLG performance center in Los Angeles, California. Madison Square Garden Sports Corp. was formerly known as The Madison Square Garden Company.
Madison Square Garden Sports Corp (NYSE:MSGS) will host a conference call to discuss results for its fourth quarter and fiscal year ended June 30, 2020 on Friday, August 14, 2020 at 10:30 a.m. Eastern Time.
The Company will issue a press release reporting its results prior to the market opening. Speculation will be rife into the report as investors and market participants look for clues as to how a company with such an overwhelming dependence on crowd-attended events is able to cope with the present environment. With deep pockets, it may actually come out stronger as competition bites the dust and assets appear on the market for rock-bottom pricing. Time will tell.
And the stock has been acting well over recent days, up something like 5% in that time. Shares of the stock have powered higher over the past month, rallying roughly 10% in that time on strong overall action.
Madison Square Garden Sports Corp (NYSE:MSGS) pulled in sales of $424M in its last reported quarterly financials, representing top line growth of -18%. In addition, the company has a strong balance sheet, with cash levels far exceeding current liabilities ($1.4B against $886.7M).

Time Stamps may not be exact based on what podcast app or service you use. But they'll be close.

Football

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book (Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags).
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a SB 52 ring. Foles doesnt.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36. In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens SB) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city if new orleans (there was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but iirc it ended up at three)
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings. Dan also has this in his record book. In fact, McCarthy has -3 (negative three) rings.
(16) Any Super Bowl rings Antonio Brown gets with the Patriots will not count in the Stugotz personal record book. 9/9 Weekend Observations National Hour 2.
(17) Ohio States 76 to 5 victory over Miami (OH) on 9/21/19 does not count.

Basketball

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) Kevin Durant has -1 rings (negative 1 rings). As of 4/11/18 Durant has -4 Rings. Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered. https://twitter.com/AndFinallyDLB/status/984180896927543297
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings. However, as seen above, Durant has -4 rings and if he were to remain at -4, then win for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering the "-4" current total as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from 0 rings to -1 rings to -4 rings. Another interesting note is that Stugotz has also said, If the Warriors won a championship playing 3 on 5 Kevin Durant would have 1 ring. I am unsure if this means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be down to -3 rings total, or whether it means if they win a championship 3 on 5, he would be at (positive)+1 rings total.
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors is not n Stugotz' personal record scroll. (Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves)).
(6) Westbrook had ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
(8) Per Dan, speaking on Stugotz' behalf, KD has no Olympic Gold Medals (9/18/19 National Hour 1 @ 00:07:50).
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings since (a) the Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan, and (b) the Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast). But MJ still has 9 rings as see above.
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the GSW, every championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs, (1) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do, & (2) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do, & (3) then LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book. HOWEVER Harden & Chris Paul, if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team, are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book. To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18) then that wins counts for 6 rings. Thus LeBron has 9 rings.
Kyrie Irving
(1) Kyrie Irving hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals History, but was only in that position because of LeBron James. Kyrie Irving, did hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals history that won everyone on that team a Ring, except for you (Kyrie). (3/9/20 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 07:00). Note: "A little revision to the uhhh Stugotz Personal Record Book that I'll come around to writing...or Mike will." I'M WRITING IT YOU IDIOT MORON JACKAL!!!
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (none) NBA Championship victories. See a previous bullet, because Michael Jordan actually is in possession of those rings since Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed (1994 and 1995 did not count for Houston). BUT WAIT - CONFLICTING HOT TAKES AHEAD Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling. NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships. If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has four rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring (Durant still has none/negative)
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1). The Thunder Blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1. This does not apply to Durant though. The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.

Baseball

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher. However This is somewhat confusing/interesting Because: Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin." This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin. The only way it can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter 1 through 20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Excluding Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani). You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series .
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Redsocks (this pains Stugotz).
(7) The Red Sox may have won the 1986 World Series, taking a ring away from the Mets. Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00
(10) Mike Minor (Rangers Pitcher) does not have 200 strikeouts in 2019. He's at 199 (National Hour 2, 10 mins 40 seconds in). Chris agrees too. And who really cares (15% on poll do care).

Hockey

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights. "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

Tennis

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

Golf

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

Soccer

(1)Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."

Miscellaneous

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool. "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the horse) only has a double crown. This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie hall of fame and Cliffhanger is the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
(8) Fruit Stripes Gum is NOT a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer in Stu's 'Gum Hall of Fame' because "it loses it's flavor so quickly" (08/12/2019 | Hour 2 @ 15:25). Also, "[...] Bazooka...1st Ballot Hall of Famer." Also, "Big League Chew..1st Ballot."
(9) Chris Cote owns all intellectual property rights to the "Friends" (TV Show) Movie with a misleading preview that eventually has a climax leading to an intense murder mystery. (10/29/19 Hour #2 @ 03:15). If they make this without crediting Cote, they're stealing it.
(10) That guy killed the pigeon (12/10 Hour 3 @ 08:20).
(11) Billy owns the record for world's longest Plank (2/25, Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 30:55) (Possibly in just the Non-Marine edition).
(12) Zach Buchanan won a Pulitzer Prize for his story on the Madison Bumgarner / Mason Saunders rodeo story (2/28/20 Hour #2; Google Podcasts @ 21:35).

That reminds me of a story.
“NO, GODDAMNIT! No means NO!” I yell into the phone’s receiver.
I am approaching criticality.
Esme looks on in alarm.
Lady is hiding under the dining room table.
Khris is sniffling, confused as to why Daddy is yelling.
The cat is lapping on itself, totally unconcerned. Stupid little lissome mammal.
“I’ve done everything you people have asked of me, often going above and beyond what would normally be considered the strict call of duty. Need I remind you that I’m still a private citizen of these here United States and not one of your indentured chattel?” I shout into the phone.
I pause to take in a deep breath.
This call is spiraling out of control. Time to shove in the control rods and see if I can still salvage what’s left of a so-far entertaining and nominally profitable relationship.
“OK, fine,” I say, simmering down slightly, “You do what you think you have to. The next sound you hear will be a god damned dial tone. Da svi-fucking-donya, дурак!”.
SLAM!
Window frames around the house rattle in reply.
“Fuckin’ asshole.” I fume.
“Rock, honey. What the hell was that all about?” Esme asks, trepidation in her voice.
“Oh, it’s the fucking agency...” I reply, rummaging around the kitchen closet for one of my emergency flasks.
“OK. So, who do I have to disappear? Rack or Ruin?” Es asks.
“Neither” I reply, pouring four full-fingers of dangerous brown Kentucky liquor into a tumbler full of ice, “It’s their boss, the head of the Office of Special Technical Activities, one Dr. Donald Twpsyn, Asswipe Emeritus.”
“I’ve never heard you mention him before. “ Es recalls.
“I haven’t. He just hove into view. He’s the newly appointed director and now Rack and Ruin’s immediate superior.” I explain to Es.
“Ah, so he’s out rearranging everything to give it his own imprint, and make sure everyone knows he’s boss,” Es notes, with a keen grasp on how life really works.
“No, more like he’s pissing all over everything to mark it with his own peculiar scent.” I snort, “He’s a fucking humanities Ph.D., fer chrissake. Liberal fucking arts! Now he wants to consolidate his department and draw in some of, as he puts it, ‘his outliers’.”
“Oh, now there’s a great way to appeal to a geologist. Call him an ‘outlier’.” Es snickers.
I am returning to this universe from the one of sheer incredulity and annoyance this joker caused me to spiral off into, and actually snorted a bit at her jape.
“That’s better, Herr Doctor.” Es chides me, “Don’t let that nasty humanities doc get you all vexed and ratty.”
She knows just what buttons to push. I’m back to reality now.
Sitting down at the nook breakfast table; Khris is sitting on my lap. Lady has her head on my thigh, demanding immediate and prolonged pettage.
Es brings her coffee over, sits down, and asks if I’ve recently changed the filters in our custom home-brew coffee contraption.
“No. Not lately, why?” I ask.
“Oh, my morning coffee just tastes less of JP-4 today.” She smirks, “I was wondering if you have done any secret upgrades of late…”
Esme chuckles at my smirking pseudo-annoyance.
Khris wants down as she realizes this is adult talk-time.
Besides, ‘Walking With Dinosaurs’ in on. It’s her favorite new dinosaur show now, ever since she realized that dinosaurs weren’t purple nor smarmy.
Lady is still demanding conciliatory head scritches.
I comply and discuss the latest nasty turn of events with our Agency buddies.
“Thunderation! Fuckbuckets!” I rumble. “I’ve been to hell and back for these characters! I even got them such good Intel from Burma that I received their clandestine ‘Super-Secret, Don’t-Tell-Anyone, Certificate of Our Deep Appreciation’ from their last boss.”
“Yeah” Esme chuckles, “You’d think that they’d at least let you mention that on your resume…”
“Seriously.” I reply, “I’ve generated so much dependable Intel and correspondence for that crowd, that I if I charged by the kilo, we’d be living in a luxury villa on Lake Geneva. Oh, sure, I get an occasional ‘Atta boy’, or the obligatory metaphorical pat on the head…But no, they just want more and more and more…”
“Is that what this is all about?” Esme asks.
“In a way.” I reply. “It’s not just that they want more, they want ME.”
“Once again. With clarity?” Esme nervously asks.
“Yeah, that’s the same question I posed to Doctor Donald Dickhead Do-nothing.”, I say by way of partial explanation, “He demands an exclusive contract with me. A fucking exclusive GOVERNMENT contract. You know what that means…”
“It’s the end of the world as we know it?” Es asks, only half in jest.
“Damn right.” I reply, “I’ve spent years building solid, mutual, reciprocal relationships with everyone from sheiks to sultans, from colonels to CEOs, from bandits to brigands, as well as bastards and buccaneers. They all know I’m in it solely for me. Not any government, not any agency, not anyone other than my own charming little money-grubbing mercenary self.”
“Oh, thanks,” Esme smirks.
“Me, meaning me and my immediate concerns. And you know full well; you, Khris, and Lady are always my number one concern, and always have been.” I say, somewhat disconsolately.
“Of course, we all know that you goof.” Esme exclaims, “But you forgot someone very important.”
“Or newest production, already in progress?” I snicker, patting Es on her ever-expanding abdomen. “Sheesh. That’s a gimmee.”
“Of course,” Esme grins, “But you forgot Nietzsche.”
“No, I didn’t. That was intentional.” I smile. “I loathe that stupid cat, ever since he pissed in my damn field boots right before I went to that well fire in Canada…”
“Um, yes. Ahem. Anyways, regale me further. I don’t think what got you all a-lather was just the thought of an exclusive contract.” Es furthers.
“You’re right, as always.” I comply, “They not only want an exclusive contract, so they can tell me what to do and where to go. Yet, they want me to continue to provide them Intel on folks I’ve worked with previously. You know what that means…”
Es considers, “One slip, and as they say in the movies, ‘your cover’s blown’?”
“Precisely. Like tiptoeing around an old pigsty. One slip, and its deep shit.” I comment, “All that time I’ve spent cultivating relationships over the years. They all go POOF the second someone finds out I have ulterior and non-exclusive motives. It’s a small world and well connected. My name would be mud faster than a rural Alabama backroad in a cloudburst.”
“How is that different than now?” Es asks.
“I don’t have a contract with any suspicious governmental agencies, for one” I reply, “I have my own personal, really nasty, bespoke contract for each and every job. Sure, I may impart some information on some characters I’ve grown to know, but it’s not like I am being coerced by law into doing I that; even if I sort of am. It lends me that all-important degree of plausible deniability.”
“I see”, Es agrees, “And yet they want an exclusive with you?”
“Yep.”, I reply, “They may be a great intelligence gathering and analysis group, but they know fucking bupkiss about the machinations of industrial science; particularly in the extractive industries. They want to call the shots, tell me where to go and what jobs to do. Double god damn fuck that. I can imagine some mid-level bureaucrat in a mid-life crisis sending me, a by god, damned, fucking triply-degreed Doctor of Industrial Geology, into some downstream project like pipelines, refining, or shipping. Sure, it has to do, however tangentially, with extractive resources, but I’d stick out like a pig on stilts in a situation like that.”
“So, you don’t trust their judgment?” Es asks.
“Hardly. Especially not since some fucking Doctor of Underwater Basket Weaving who is demanding that I capitulate to his whims, is manning the helm.” I snarl.
“Whoa. Looks like we’ve got a bit of professional animosity.” Es grins.
“Yeah. So, shoot bullets through me”, I declare, “I guess I just don’t hold humanities degrees in the same high regard as STEM degrees. Silly-ass me.”
“OK, Doctor”, Esme snickers, “Now you have gotten that all out, how are you going to handle this situation?”
“Oh, no. Not ‘you’, ‘we’.” I note as way of reply.
“We?” Es asks alarmed.
“Yep. This affects us all”, I retort, “This is going to be a family decision. And as such, the ball’s in your court.”
“Well…I’m going to need more information,” Es says by way of deflecting the question for the time being.
“OK, take your time”, I reply, “I’m sure Rack and Ruin won’t be here for at least another hour.”
“Did they say they’d be dropping by?” Esme asks.
“Oh, no”, I replied, “But after that call, I know they’re already on their way.”
OK, I’m Kreskin. True to form, the doorbell rings not 45 minutes later.
I answer the door, with a drink in one hand, and a freshly lit cigar in the other.
“Yes, hello. How may I help you, gentlemen?” I ask. “I’m really not terribly keen on organized religion, so let’s get that right out of the way…”
“Very funny, Doctor”, Agent Rack replies, “May we come in? We need to have a chat.”
“Only if you first agree to this non-disclosure agreement”, I say, waving a fresh, limey drink in their direction.
They both chuckle and I allow them access to my sanctum sanctorum.
I know I can trust these guys.
“Good day, Mrs. Rock. You’re looking very well. Is everything going according to plan?” Agent Ruin asks Esme.
“Hello, Agents.” Esme smiles back, “Yes. Thank you. Everything is proceeding as per operation ‘Family Add’.”
Khris runs out and grabs Agent Rack around the knees.
“Uncle Rack! Hiya!” she squeals.
Agents, aka, “Uncles” Rack and Ruin always bring a load of peppermint hard candies, Khris’ favorite.
They both give her a hug and a handful of those red and white striped oblate spheroids she so loves.
She runs back to the TV room shouting about a pack of tyrannosaurs that are about to dry gulch a crippled old sauropod. Juvenile bloodlust is just so fun to watch bloom.
“Cute kid. Smart little whip” Uncle Agent Ruin notes.
“What’d you expect?” I reply.
Esme leads us all over to my office, where I assume the power position at my desk. ‘Uncles’ Agents Rack and Ruin to the comfy leather chairs I have reserved for visitors.
I ask Esme to stay, as there’s plenty of room, and this is a group discussion.
“Oh, no way.” she smiles, “I’ll be in my room, tending my cross-stitch. I’ll catch up later if need be. This is for you all to hash out among yourselves.”
“Bonzers. Fair Dinkum”, I reply.
Esme regrets the time I recently spent in Australia.
I ask ‘Uncles’ Rack and Ruin of they’d like a coffee, tea, or a cup of C-4 before we begin.
“Coffee for me, tea for Rack”, Agent Ruin replies. “Two sugars for him, black for me.”
“And light on the Gelsemine?” I ask.
“Very funny, Herr Doctor”, Agent Rack replies, only half in jest. He knows I’m a backyard chemist in my spare time.
I return with their drinks and quietly close the door so the sounds of an expiring aged Alamosaurus doesn’t intrude on our conversations.
“OK, gents. Your dime. The floor is yours. Give.” I say.
“Um, yes. Doctor. Pardons, but we must be blunt.” Agent Uncle Rack begins, “Our new director, Doctor Donald Twpsyn, is less than enamored with you right now.”
“Oh, me. Oh, my. Oh, forbear.” I react in mock horror, “Whatever shall I do?”
“Doctor”, Agent Ruin intones, “We are serious here. We’d appreciate it if you were as well.”
“Yeah. All right. I suppose.” I reply, sipping my drink, “OK. Now, what’s got Dr. Donny Dickhead all a-twitter?”
Agents Rack and Ruin try to stifle some snickers, and fail, but continue: “He’s made it abundantly clear that he is quite pleased with what you’ve supplied us in the past.”
“As well as he fuckin’ should be!” I reply, somewhat pointedly. “I’ve got connections up to the Yalu and all down back to Otago and Little America, from bloody the North Slope to Ushuaia. I’ve worked in more countries than Dr. Dickhead has probably had liquid lunches.”
Stifling more snickers, Agent Rack continues: “Quite probably, but he doesn’t like to be reminded of that fact.” He looks at me intently, “Was he really that obvious?”
“Fuckbuckets. Send him to any field post and he’d blow cover faster than a dead cow in the Gobi summer sun.” I reply. “He’s completely out of touch, considering the boneheaded plays he laid out to try and entice me to join your little exclusive club.”
“Yeah, we figured you’d be less than thrilled with his plans.” Agent Ruin adds.
“You might remind him that as a private US citizen, I’m under no responsibility to continue to aid and abet your little association.” I note, “I’m doing it out of a sense of patriotism, a sense of loyalty, a sense of…”
“Mercenary subsidy?” Agent Rack adds.
“Well. Of course.” I readily admit, “But I’ve always been upfront and forthwith with you guys. As I’ve mentioned numerous times, straight from the onset, I’m not in this for the culture, climate, or cuisine; I’m in it strictly for the cash.”
“And we’ve always appreciated your straightforwardness.” Agent Ruin continues.
“OK, enough idle banter,” I note. “Here’s the deal, Sparky-san. I will continue as per my previous relationship with your little group of like-minded infiltrators. I will continue to generate dossier filler, situation reports, and pretty much whatever I can, within reason. However, I am the one who decides what is and is not reasonable. We green, so far?”
“We have no objections thus far, Doctor”, Agent Rack relates.
“WE GREEN?” I ask again.
“Green as lime vodka, Doctor.” Agent Ruin hurriedly fills in.
“Groovy” I note, “But here’s the deal, this is my career you’re talking about. No one and I mean no one, with the very possible exception of my wife, dictates which jobs I take or which jobs I reject. You don’t tell me where to go, or what to do, and I won’t tell you to get stuffed. OK?”
“Ah, yes. We can see that you’re of a resolute state of mind on this issue.” Agent Rack notes.
“Damn Skippy.” I reply, “I take the jobs that best suit ME; not some faceless, mindless organization, no matter what they do or who they claim to represent. Now, I’m not totally beyond equanimity, I will listen if there is are solid, valid, scientific, commercial, diplomatic, and economic reasons why I should choose one contract over another. Nevertheless, I will not; I reiterate, will not, accept someone telling me I must choose this over that, one over another, here rather than there, just because it’s convenient for them or it fits their oddly skewed version of obligation.”
“Well, Doctor”, Agent Rack replies, “Seems you’ve given this some thought and have a clear picture of what your role is within the organization.”
“Yes, absolutely”, I concur, “I only hope the organization has a clear picture of what my role, and conversely, theirs is, as well.”
“Yes, Doctor. Your position is clear as vodka, as you like to note”, Agent Rack continues, “I think there was a wee bit of misunderstanding earlier. Now, it appears, that’s all out in the open, flayed and all hashed out. Would you agree?”
“As long as Doctor Donny Liberal-Arts stays the hell out of my patch, we’ll get along just fine.” I reply. “It may seem diffident, I actually enjoy working with you guys. No shit. It’s refreshing, a bit scary, and truly novel, all at the same time. I’d like to continue to do so from this point onwards. But only if we have a distinct understanding. No exclusive contract, governmental or otherwise, and no one telling me where to go or what to do. I am the master of my own destiny, not some agency, or some novice organizational doo-fuck looking to supplement his Curriculum Vitae.”
“Well, Doctor”, Agent Ruin says as he finishes his drink, “It appears that we have an understanding. Shall we shake hands to seal the deal?”
I swivel in my chair and make a point of rifling through my desk drawer.
“Um, Doctor”, Agent Ruin asks, “What are you doing?”
“Just trying to find my portable scintillation counter” I replied, deadpan, “Never can be too careful…”
“Doctor”, both agents say in unison, “So glad you’re back. Where else could we go for our daily dose of abuse?”
I think, but don’t mention: “Just about anywhere.”
After all was done and dusted, I broke out some of my 45-year old drinking stuff to properly seal the deal, and toast our new, more solid, and well-defined relationship.
Esme joined us when she heard the laughs from Agent Ruin’s latest bawdy joke; the guy’s a compendium of ribald anecdotes.
She opted for tea, considering her delicate condition. That was OK, as the Agents and I fully made up for that temporary deficiency.
We all sat and chatted like there was never a situation where we were ever cross. I found it somewhat odd that Agents Rack and Ruin didn’t immediately beg off, citing more pressing engagements.
“So, Doctor”, Agent Rack said, preparing to drop the inevitable blockbuster, “What are your immediate plans, if we may ask?”
I saw this one coming a mile away.
“Not much”, I replied. “I’ve decided to take a bit of a sabbatical until the next addition to our family joins us. I’ve got more than enough work here to occupy me for the few months until Esme decides it’s time.”
“I see”, Agent Ruin replies, “I don’t suppose we could entice you to take a look at this prospectus?” he notes and slides over a file marked “Secret – Q Clearance”.
Sighing heavily, I shake my head, sip my drink, puff my cigar, and note: “Just couldn’t wait, could you? OK, what the score? Who do I have to drop a dime on this time?”
“Oh, no Doctor, nothing like that. No, no, no.” Agent Ruin adds, “It’s just that we have heard, through the grapevine, as it were, that a particular group out in a certain Central Asian country is looking for some Western guidance in developing their oil field activities.”
“Oh, really?” I ask, incredulously, “Now the Agency’s a project broker?”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Nothing like that”, Agent Rack continues, “It’s just that we have heard, ahem, of this opportunity that seemed to be right up your street.”
“And it just so happens that the Agency has an interest in this region, it’s resources, and it’s people?” I ask.
“Exactly”, Agent Ruin smiles, “It would be mutually beneficial. They would receive the benefit of your deep experience and expertise. We’d also glean a small bit of information on the situation in this newly developing country.”
I sat there, stewing.
Steaming that they were right, the bastards.
I’ve been to Central Asia, the “Stans” as I call them, many times in the past. It’s an extractive company’s bird nest on the ground, especially for someone as mercenary as me. I ask them to continue.
“Well, there’s this group, the ‘Geofizika’ by name that is running the show out there.” Agent Rack adds, “They’re fresh to the game as they have just become an independent country a year or so back. They’ve got huge pre-existing oil and gas fields that were developed, rather poorly I might add, by the Soviets. They’re trying to fix those major disasters while forging ahead and not creating new disasters. It’d be only for a maximum of six weeks. Two months at the outside. Maybe a year…”
I have to admit, if anyone else would have dropped this one me, I’d have jumped on it with both feet. Better to remain taciturn, and not let them think I’m interested.
“I don’t know”, I reply, stroking my rapidly graying beard, “With Es and our past reproductive history. I should probably remain home in case of any complications.”
“OK. OK. We do understand. We got that.” Agent Ruin notes, “We are sympathetic. But this is a time-critical event, Doctor, happening right now. I’m afraid we’d need an answer yea or nay today.”
“Right. Give me a few minutes” I request, getting up to leave, “I need to speak with Esme and see what she thinks.”
“Of course”, Agent Rack says, “We’ll just wait here, keeping your aged bottle of scotch company.”
“That’s fine”, I reply, “Just stay out of my files, if you could. I know it’s congenital with you characters, but I don’t want to have to go and disarm the kill-bots right now.”
They snicker, and give me looks like “Is he joking or…?”
I confer with Esme and make it clear that it’s her decision.
Thus far, the pregnancy has been going letter-perfect, but we know from past experience how rapidly that can change. I tell her it’s not an absolute necessity that I go on this one, but it might help smooth things over with Dr. Donny Dickhead at the Agency. Besides, it’ll give me some great leverage when I present them my ‘new and improved’ contract; for them to vet through some dodgy invented corporation.
In other words, it’s money. And we all know how much we like money.
Esme instantly tells me that I should go. She’s doing fine and we already have the ancient Ms. Akusherka on retainer as household help and general looker-after-er.
“Are you positive?” I ask her, “I don’t have to go, you know. We’re doing fine and I don’t think I could live with myself if I was half a world away and something disastrous happens.”
“Given that, what could you do if you were here?” Esme asks, “Hold my hand? Help with moral support? Yes, those are very important, but I have the best help here with our neighbors and Ms. Akusherka. Besides, this time is different. I can feel it. Tell you what, call Sani and see what he says.”
“I’ll do that”, I say, loving her more than I thought it was possible, “I’ll provisionally accept with ‘Uncles’ Rack and Run, and give Sani a call. If he gives me the all-clear, I’ll go. It’s only for six weeks or so and you’ve got at least 3 months before blast-off.”
“Do that, Rock”, she says, “You need to cultivate every contact possible. You’re our only breadwinner here, and we need you now more than ever.”
“Whoa. That sounds a bit mercenary.” I tell her, wide-eyed.
“Oh, does it?” Esme smiles, “Guess I’ve learned from the best.”
I hug her gently, smile, chuck her lightly under the chin, and go back to see if Agents Rack and Ruin have left me any of my 45-year old drinking stuff.
“OK, you pirates”, I say and retrieve the bottle before it’s drained any further, “You’ve got me; but with conditions: 1. My contract, as is; no revisions, 2. I need to speak to someone in New Mexico first, so it’s contingent on that conversation and, 3. You check in with Esme every once in a while when I’m gone. We green?”
“Greenage. Most certainly, Herr Doctor.” Agent Rack smiles, “Hell that is some good scotch. Where’d you ever find it?”
“Sorry, Agent”, I reply, “That is on a strict ‘need to know basis’. If you need to know, you’d have to replenish my stocks…”
So I make certain to tell them where I found the stuff…
Agents Rack and Ruin take their leave reminding me that I need to supply their “corporation” my contract within 48 hours. Also, if I do decide to go, I need to be ready to leave in no less than 60 hours. They will supply transportation, visas, and all the necessary paperwork.
“OK, sure”, I say, ushering them out the door, “I’ll be in touch quicker than you can say John Barleycorn”.
“John Barley…” I hear as I shut the front door.
These two characters are getting more predictable than the summer weather in Riyadh.
After a hearty carnivorous lunch, Khris and Esme settle down for their daily siesta. I dial the phone for Cuba, New Mexico. Three up, two down, and answer on the second ring.
“Sani, Yáʼátʼééh shi akʼis”, I greet him.
“Yáʼátʼééh, Kǫʼdził-hastiin”, Sani replies.
“How did you know it was me?” I ask.
“I was told…you would be in contact,” Sani replies.
I gave up wondering how long, long ago.
“You have need of Sani?” he asks.
“Of course. I am always in need of sage counsel.” I reply.
“I am told this is so. You are worrying for nothing.” Sani tells me.
“You know we’ve not had the best of luck…” I say.
“It has transpired thus far as it was seen. Do not be discomforted, remember.” Sani continues.
“I know, but sometimes one has to return to the well to refresh their supply,” I say, thinking in terms he might appreciate.
“It is so, and so it has been, so it will be,” Sani assures me.
“Thanks, Sani. I do so appreciate your wise guidance.” I say.
“Ndagaʼ tʼáadoo leʼé iʼdiiłʼá” Sani says. “No trouble.”
“Ahéheeʼ tʼáá ánółtso, Sani. Hágoónee’” I reply and hang up. “Thanks again and farewell.”
My next call is to a shop in Albuquerque. Gifts of beer, whiskey, and tobacco are rapidly on their way to Sani.
I spend the rest of the afternoon working up a new contract for my newest buddy in the Agency. With Rack and Ruin’s admonishments, if he wants the best, he’s going to be damn well paying for the best.
I fax off my latest contract to them after I let my solicitor have a read through. He makes me remove a couple of codicils, saying that calling for someone’s drawing and quartering if something untoward should happen really isn’t legally enforceable.
Killjoy.
After dinner, I outline that tomorrow’s a shopping day. I have to replenish my travel supplies and find some specific technical appurtenances for this trip overseas.
Khris is much like her mother and loves to go shopping. That means opportunities for new toys and lunch at a real restaurant. We plan to make a day of it.
In the new-fangled shopping mall, we spend a good portion of the day finding some beautifully horrible Hawaiian shirts. I need some new cargo shorts, a couple of pairs of chinos, socks, and some new laces for my field boots; ones that don’t stink of cat piss.
I also hit up the stationery shop to obtain some #7 pencils, Mylar, Leroy pens, inking tape, and India ink. I also pick up a few new symbol templates and some pre-printed map legends.
They’re so much easier to attach and fill out than hand drawing one on every new map.
Esme somehow guilts me into a new purse, one she’s had her eye on for the past few months. Khris receives a baby sister doll for her beshik that I brought her from Myanmar.
We have lunch at the spanking new Rock-n-Roll themed restaurant. Khris is exemplary since she has crayons and coloring placemats to keep her busy. Esme opts for the pseudo- Tex-Mex they offer, and I decide on a rack of ribs. It was a slice of Mid-Western Americana and one that I feel we endorse far too infrequently. I make a solemn pledge to myself to rectify that situation when I return.
We head back home, but first, I make certain Es’s car is fully gassed up and the oil, coolant, and other liquid levels are where they should be; particularly the blinker light fluid. The last thing I need is some sort of vehicular goofiness while I’m out gallivanting around the globe.
We return home; Lady greets us as usual with a loving 130-kilo impact. The cat ignores us as one.
A few minutes later, our neighbor Sally delivers a package that someone dropped off right after we left. She saw them mooching around the house and confronted them while she was wearing her .45 Colt sidearm.
Say what you want about concealed carry, you get much more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
We thank her and invite her in for coffee. Sally begs off as Roller Derby is just starting and she has bets down on the San Francisco Bay-Area Bombers.
She never misses a match.
It’s a package for me from my agency buddies. I help Khris and Esme into their afternoon siestas, and retire to my office to look over this latest entry into “Well, where the hell are we off to this time?”
Inside the envelope, there are my tickets, boarding passes, letters of introduction and recommendation, hotel reservations, my signed contract , geological re-prints, and special Agency documents on the how’s and why’s of this new country.
There is also a collection of very foreign-looking currencies.
Seems they’re still trying to sort out all the financial brouhaha in my next country of travel since the wall fell and they found themselves a newly minted republic. There are some Russian rubles, Uzbek so’m, and International “Drawing Rights” (XDR), a new attempt at a universal currency through the International Monetary Fund.
The so’m trade at 9520 to the dollar. The XRD goes for 1 XDR:1.38 USD. Great. Two new pain-in-the-ass currencies. I’m just going to call the so’m at 10,000 to one and the XRD at 1.5 bucks per.
“Hell”, I reflect, “I’d best get a new calculator and some batteries, this could lead to a real financial mess if I’m this sloppy”.
I begin packing and am ready to go by the time Es and Khris awaken.
I’m slated to fly to London tomorrow, via the Windy City, my favorite layover. Then onto Tashkent, where I’ll be met by the head of Uzbekgeofizkia, one Dr. Burg'ilovchi. It’ll be overland transport from then on, via helicopter, truck, or car. I am advised this is a very hot and dry climate, so plan accordingly.
I root around my office and find two more of my emergency flasks that go into my day pack.
I am also informed, although I know full well, that this is a Muslim society, so I need to be on my best behavior.
That has to be something added by Dr. Dickhead, Rack and Ruin’s new boss.
We spent the night together as a family, re-watching some of Disney’s latest offerings that I found, so cheaply, during my last trip to Malaysia. We laugh mightily every time we see someone in the audience get up and venture out to the lobby or loo.
Packed and ready to go, I am waiting on my ride to the airport. The Agency is operating at peak efficiency and my ride is only a half-hour late this time.
Hugs, kisses and mutual squeezes later, I’m dumping my gear in the back of the unmarked sedan that is to take me to the airport. My unsmiling driver is as tight-lipped as an Aldebran Shell Mouth and that suits me just fine. I’m not in a talkative mood this morning, I’m still somewhat uneasy about leaving Esme, Khris, and Lady on their own.
We arrive at the airport a scant hour later and my driver signals to an unoccupied porter.
He hands him a $20 and instructs him to take me and my luggage to the British Airways desk and ensure that I get to my flight unencumbered.
Before I could thank him, he slides behind the wheel, drops it in drive, and takes off in a flurry of dust and exasperation.
Yep. Definite Agency driver, I think.
Since I already have my Business Class boarding passes, they just need to tag my luggage through to Tashkent. I make certain that is where they’re going as that’s not yet a typical port of call for your average world traveler.
I receive my baggage claim tickets and a programmed “Have a nice flight, Sir”, from the oddly aloof gate agent.
To be continued.

[Time Stamps] Recently started to use them in late 2019. They may not be exact based on what podcast app or service you use. But they'll be close. In 2020 I've started to use Google Podcasts for the time stamps, and they'll be labeled if used.
When a new entry is added because Stugotz said something, I go back and edit it into this post. If you have any I missed - message me.
I DIDN'T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS:

FOOTBALL

(1) UCF is the 2017-2018 national champion.
(2) If Kirk Cousins goes to the Jaguars and not the Jets, no championship he wins will count in the personal record book.
Note (2)(a): Still pending sort of since Kirk is with the Vikings now – possible in future he could go to Jags.
(3) Eli manning has 1 ring. He doesnt get one for throwing a ball into David Tyree's face / Tyree getting a football stuck in his helmet.
(4) Carson Wentz has a Super Bowl 52 ring.
Note (4)(a): Foles does not have a Super Bowl 52 ring.
(5) The Raiders defeated the Patriots in their divisional playoff matchup in 2002 (Tuck Rule game), and then would defeat the Rams in Super Bowl 36.
Note (5)(a): In this scenario also, Bill Belichick was also "fired and looking for a job" after the Tuck Rule game and has 0 rings.
(6) If the 2017 Patriots won Super Bowl 52, James Harrison would not have a ring (Patriots lost to Eagles).
(7) Peyton Manning has one ring (Broncos ring does not count).
(8) Peyton Manning must give such ring he lost (above) to Von Miller, who thus has 2 rings.
(9) Aaron Rodgers can have all the rings he wants for keeping all of central Wisconsin employed.
(10) Brian Billick has 0 rings (2000 Ravens Super Bowl) because that defense carried him.
(11) Tony Boselli is a Hall of Famer.
(12) Tarik Cohen is an honorary Jew.
(13) JuJu Smith-Schuster is also an honorary Jew. L'Chaim.
(14) Drew brees has three rings for winning the super bowl for the city of New Orleans.
Note (14)(a): There was discussion on this where the number started at three, went up to five, came down to two, but it ended up at three.
(15) Mike McCarthy has no Super Bowl rings.
Note(15)(a): Dan also has this in his record book, and it is the first entry into the Le Batard Personal Record Book.
Note 15(b): In fact, McCarthy has -3 (Negative three) rings.
(16) Any Super Bowl rings Antonio Brown gets with the Patriots will not count in the Stugotz personal record book (9/9 Weekend Observations National Hour 2).
(17) Ohio State's 76 to 5 victory over Miami (Ohio) on 9/21/19 does not count.

BASKETBALL

Kevin Durant
(1) If Westbrook wins a championship and beats Kevin Durant along the way in the playoffs, Westbrook will have won 2 championship rings.
(2) "STRAP IT ON BOYS, GONNA TAKE YA FOR A RIDE:"
Kevin Durant has 0 rings (Zero rings)
Kevin Durant has -1 rings (Negative 1 rings).
Kevin Durant has -4 rings (Negative 4) (As of 4/11/18)
Note (2)(a): This number is subject to change based on Stugotz altering rings to the "-4" current total. Specifically as seen recently when Stugotz adjusted the number from (i) 0 rings to (ii) -1 rings to (iii) -4 rings.
Note (2)(b): Here is a tweet transcript of the conversation where this was discovered.
Archive link
(3) If Kevin Durant wins an NBA title for the NY Knicks, he will gain 11 rings.
Note (3)(a): As seen above in "(2)," Kevin Durant has -4 rings.
Note (3)(b): [Math] If Durant were to remain at -4 rings, and subsequently win an NBA title for the Knicks, he will have 7 rings total. This was specifically stated (-4 + 11 = 7), and a question about a non-specifically stated Personal Record Book entry is posed below in "Note (3)(c)(i)."
Note (3)(c): If the Golden State Warriors had won a championship playing 3 on 5 with Kevin Durant, Kevin Durant would have 1 ring.
Note (3)(c)(i): [Confusion] I am unsure if "Note(3)(c)" means he would gain +1 ring, and therefore be "up" to -3 rings total. Possibly, Stugotz means if the Golden State Warriors had won a championship 3 on 5 with Durant, Kevin Durant would be at +1 rings total (Positive 1 rings).
(4) Kevin Durant's dagger in Game 3 did not count, because according to Stugotz, none of Durant's stats count. KD's official statline last night was 0/0/0 and the Cavs blew the Warriors out by 40.
(5) Anything Kevin Durant has done with the Warriors so far is not in Stugotz' personal record scroll.
Note (5)(a): Stugotz did not take his feathered pen and write anything in his scroll (King Roy approves).
(6) Westbrook has ALL of KD's rings.
(7) For every time KD says he doesn't give a BLEEP, Stugotz adds 2 "I do give a BLEEPS" in the personal record book.
(8) Per Dan, speaking on Stugotz' behalf, Kevin Durant has no Olympic Gold Medals (9/18/19 National Hour 1 @ 00:07:50).
Michael Jordan
(1) Jordan has 9 rings because:
(a) The Rockets have to give their 2 rings from 1994 and 1995 to Jordan (+2); and
(b) The Bulls would have won the 1999 Finals over the Spurs if Jordan didn't retire (+1; 9 total).
Note (1)(a-b)(i): Put LeBron's rings in a box and put Jordan's rings in a box. Jordan is +6 by the way over LeBron box-minus, despite box-minus sounding like a dumb stat.
(2) Michael Jordan was suspended for 2 years for gambling (Said 4/25/18 Hour 2, 14:30 in podcast).
Note 2(a): HOWEVER, MJ still has 9 rings as see above in (1)(a) and (1)(b).
(3) Any game Michael Jordan played wearing the uniform #45 does not count.
LeBron James
(1) If LeBron James goes to the Golden State Warriors, every Championship he wins will result in a deduction of 2 previously won championships.
(2) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were the GREATEST teams in the history of sports (5/7/18 Local Hour).
(3) The Miami Heat LeBron teams were also the MOST INTERESTING teams in the history of sports.
(4) If, after the 2018 NBA Playoffs:
(a) LeBron does not make it to the finals and the Celtics do; and
(b) The Houston Rockets do not make it to the finals and the Warriors do; and
(c) LeBron goes to the Houston Rockets for the next season, THEN
LeBron is allowed to win rings that count in Stu's personal record book.
Note (4)(a-c)(i): HOWEVER, Harden & Chris Paul - if they remain on the Rockets with LeBron on the team - are not allowed to have any of the rings won with LeBron count in Stu's personal record book.
Note 4(a-c)(ii): To quote the big man Stu (with Dan agreeing of course), "Do it on your own” (Dan agrees here).
(5) If LeBron wins an NBA Championship with the 2018 Lakers roster (as of 7/23/18), then that wins counts for 6 rings.
Note (5)(a): Thus LeBron would have 9 rings.
Kyrie Irving
(1) Kyrie Irving hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals History, but was only in that position because of LeBron James. Kyrie Irving, did hit one of the biggest shots in NBA Finals history that won everyone on that team a Ring, except for you (Kyrie). (3/9/20 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 07:00).
Note (1)(a): Stugotz: "A little revision to the uhhh Stugotz Personal Record Book that I'll come around to writing...or Mike will." I'M WRITING IT YOU IDIOT MORON JACKAL
Misc. Basketball
(1) The Houston Rockets have 0 (Zero) NBA Championship victories.
Note (1)(a): See "Michael Jordan (1)(a)" for reasoning.
Note (1)(a)(i): [Restated Reasoning] Michael Jordan is actually in possession of those 1994 and 1995 Rockets rings because Michael Jordan would have won those championships if he stayed in Chicago.
Note(1)(b): [CONFLICTING HOT TAKE] Stugotz has also said Jordan didn't get the Rockets' rings because he was actually suspended for gambling.
Note (1)(b)(i) NEEDS CLARIFICATION PLEASE. Stugotz keeps going back and forth. In "Michael Jordan Note 1(a)," the opposite of "Miscellaneous Basketball Note (1)(b) is stated because he has gone back and forth on this issue.
(2) Steve Kerr has no rings as a coach. In fact, he has never even coached a game.
(3) Mychal Thompson (Klay's dad) has no rings. (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(4) Clyde Drexler no rings (Said on Zach Harper podcast).
(5) Giannis Antetekoumpo is pronounced Yani Adababoombo.
(6) As long as James Harden has his beard, he cannot win any championships.
Note (6)(a): If the Rockets win a ring, then the ring goes to the beard.
(7) Lamarcus Aldridge cost the Spurs game 2 of the 2017 Western Conference Semifinals, even though they won.
(8) If the Sixers happen to win a championship, Sam Hinkie gets a ring.
(9) Chris Paul has NOT made a Western Conference Final since he had to join the Rockets to do so.
(10) Michael Jordan winning the NBA Finals in 1999 also means that Tim Duncan only has 4 rings instead of 5 rings.
(11) The Warriors only have 1 ring
Note (11)(a): Durant still has -4.
(12) Boogie Cousins cannot win a NBA Championship and have it count if he does so with the Warriors.
(13) Billy Donovan was the NBA Coach of the Year in 2017 (12/13/17 @ 28:10 Hour 1).
Note (13)(a): The Thunder blowing the 3-1 lead to the Warriors that year had nothing to do with Donovan. It was Durant's fault.
(14) The OKC Thunder actually did win the WCF against the Warriors in 2017 when up 3-1.
Note (14)(a): This does not apply to Durant though.
Note (14)(b): The Thunder also beat whoever they would have played in the Finals. Durant still no ring.
(15) Whoever wins the 2019-2020 NBA Season Championship (Coronavirus year), did not win a Championship (5/14/2020; Google Podcast, Hour #1 @ 03:15)

BASEBALL

Babe Ruth
(1) Babe Ruth is black.
(2) Babe Ruth never hit a baseball. Not once.
(3) Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin.
(4) Babe Ruth is NOT a top 20 Baseball player of all time. He's a pitcher.
Note (4)(a): However This is somewhat confusing/interesting because:
(i) Stugotz has said "Babe Ruth is the number two black baseball player of all time behind Barry Larkin; and"
(ii) This MUST mean Stugotz can only have 1 black player in his top 20 Baseball players of all time Barry Larkin; because
(iii) The only way this can work logically is if in the list of greatest players #1 through #20, only Barry Larkin is on the latter top #1 through #20 list. I would like some clarification on if he wishes to change this take/record.
(5) Babe Ruth is also not a top 20 pitcher of all time.
Misc. Baseball
(1) Stugotz has declared that in his personal record book, Baseball no longer allows pitchers to hit (Stated on 05/03/2018 @ 12:38:52 P.M).
Note (1)(a): Excludes Bartolo Colon, and Shohei Ohtani.
Note (1)(b): You are either a pitcher or a hitter. Not both.
(2) If the Dodgers won the 2017 World Series Clayton Kershaw would not have had a ring.
(3) Wade Boggs DOES have a ring because he rode around on a horse with a beer afterward.
(4) Clayton Kershaw did not win an MVP award because the award for pitchers was already given, the CY Young award.
(5) Miami beat LSU in the 1996 College Baseball World Series.
(6) The 1986 NY Mets did not win the World Series against the Boston Red Sox.
Note (6)(a): This "pains" Stugotz.
(7) The Red Sox retroactively winning the 1986 World Series may result in taking a ring away from the Mets.
Note (7)(a): Stugotz has to think about it though, he's not sure yet.
(8) Bryce Harper did not win the 2018 home run derby because he cheated.
(9) Kershaw's Earned Ring Average (ERA) is 0.00.
(10) Mike Minor (Rangers Pitcher) does not have 200 strikeouts in 2019. He's at 199 (National Hour 2, 10 mins 40 seconds in).
Note (10)(a): Chris agrees too. And who really cares (15% on poll do care).
(11) The 2020-2021 Mets, during the Coronavirus outbreak, are 0-3 and Jacob deGrom is somehow 0-1 with a 0.00 ERA and 1 complete game. The deGrominator. (Google Podcast 3/30 Hour #3 @ 19:20)

HOCKEY

(1) Ray Bourque doesn't have a ring.
(2) Alex Ovechkin may or may not have won the Stanley Cup against the Vegas Golden Knights.
Note (2)(a): "I mean he beat an expansion team . . . bunch of players nobody wanted" (We get the sense that Dan agrees).

TENNIS

(1) If anyone wins a major in Female Tennis without Serena Williams playing, it does not count and they have 0 rings.
(2) If Maria Sharapova wins a grand slam in which Serena isnt competing it doesnt count.

GOLF

(1) If Jason Day wins the 2018 Masters, it counts as an American winning (as far as bets are concerned).
(2) Vijay Singh did not play in the 2018 Masters.

SOCCER

(1) Lionel Messi is stripped of all his achievements for using HGH. He never played soccer. He is still 5'1". "Fraud."
(2) Soccer is dead.

MISCELLANEOUS

(1) Aqua?
(2) Rings plus-minus is the only way to measure greatness.
(3) The HBO Andre the Giant film was good, not great, and Stugotz didn’t learn anything.
(4) Benoit Lecomte (guy they interviewed) can not and will not swim from San Francisco to Tokyo in the personal record book because he is most likely taking a dip for a few minutes then coming back on the boat and enjoying some filet mignon by the pool.
Note (4)(a): "Do it without a yacht. And how about ya do it without the little magnetic field around you that keeps sharks away. How bout that. Allows dolphins through though? Anyway.."
(5) Justify (the Horse) only has a double crown.
Note (5)(a): This is the first ever double crown.
(6) Tango and Cash is in the action movie Hall of Fame. and Cliffhanger has the greatest 5 minute intro of any movie of all time.
(7) Maximum Security (a Horse) won the 2019 Kentucky Derby.
(8) Fruit Stripes Gum is NOT a 1st Ballot Hall of Famer in Stu's "Gum Hall of Fame." (08/12/2019 | Hour 2 @ 15:25).
Note (8)(a): "It loses it's flavor so quickly"
Note (8)(b): Also, "[...] Bazooka...1st Ballot Hall of Famer." Also, "Big League Chew..1st Ballot."
(9) Chris Cote owns all intellectual property rights to the "Friends" (TV Show) Movie with a misleading preview that eventually has a climax leading to an intense murder mystery. (10/29/19 Hour #2 @ 03:15).
Note (9)(a): "If they make this without crediting Cote, they're stealing it."
(10) That guy killed the pigeon (12/10 Hour 3 @ 08:20).
(11) Billy owns the record for world's longest Plank (2/25, Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 30:55).
Note (11)(a): Possibly in just the Non-Marine edition.
(12) Zach Buchanan won a Pulitzer Prize for his story on the Madison Bumgarner / Mason Saunders rodeo fiasco (2/28/20 Hour #2; Google Podcasts @ 21:35).
(13) Findlay the Golden retriever holds the Stu Gotz Personal Record Book record for most tennis balls held in a mouth at one time by a dog at 6 (2/11/2020)
(14) Ace Davis (The kid who "proved" Tom Brady was cheating with science) and his fathefamily are heroes (4/1 Hour #3; Google Podcast @ 18:50).
(15) Dan did NOT do more push-ups than Domonique Foxworth (Dan did push-ups on a non-linear platform) (4/28/2020 Hour # 1).

SPORTS MEDIA DREAM TEAM™

Sourced from Google Podcast; 05/06/2020, Hour 2 @ 09:00
(Head Coach) Ernie Johnson - "When you look over to the bench, what you need is someone to stand tall, someone who is confident, someone who is competent, someone who has all the credibility -soaked in credibility - when you have the Head Coach of the Sports Media Dream Team."
(1; Point Guard) Mike Greenberg - "Doesn't really want to answer the big questions, but has no problem distributing those questions to other people who are happy to answer them."
(2; Shooting Guard) Stephen A. Smith - "Never met a topic he doesn't like. Short memory, doesn't care, Greeny could throw him anything and Stephen A. is gonna run with it even if he knows nothing about the topic. That is how it works. Stephen A. is the greatest of all time."
(3; Small Forward) Chris Fowler - "A do it all guy. Studio show? Great. Play by Play? Even better. Can do everything."
(4; Small Forward Replacement) Maria Taylor) - "Need Play by Play, need Sideline, need Studio Host - she can do it all"
(5; Power Forward) Dianna Russini - "You need some crazy, some don't mess with us, someone to tear someone's head off in the event that they come after one of us."
(6; Power Forward Replacement) PFT Commenter - "He just comes in and acts crazy, throws his arms and hair around, and give ya 5 to 10 really crazy minutes."
(7; In honor of the Chicago Bulls, Stugotz needed a Wennington, a Purdue) Scott Van Pelt - Dan debated whether or not SVP should be on the Sports Media Dream Team™. That's what he's doing.
(8; Bench Player w/ No Position Specified) Doris Burke
(9) Teased.../I didn't finish listening to the show yet