Catch the full episode: https://www.wealthformula.com/podcast/237-is-angel-investing-right-for-you/
Buck: Welcome back to the show everyone today my guest on Wealth Formula Podcast is Tom Wallace. Tom is a 40 year veteran of technology startups both as a founder and an investor and, after multiple successful exits most recently selling vector learning for 268 million dollars, he's now the managing partner at Florida Funders which is a hybrid: a venture capital fund and angel investor network focused on finding funding and building the next generation of breakout technology companies in Florida. Tom welcome to Wealth Formula Podcast.
Tom: Buck thanks for having me on your show. I really appreciate it. It's an honor to be here and thanks for hosting.
Buck: Yeah of course. And you know why don't we start out you know this is a sort of a different area for us but why don't you just start out a little bit by talking about your background I know we mentioned that you've been a tech guy, for the most part, your professional life. Talk a little bit about that and you know how you ended up I guess from being on the front lines as maybe an actual startup guide ultimately on the angel investor side.
Tom: Yeah sure so I come from a blue-collar family. Neither of my parents graduated from high school. And so when I got out of college it was 1980 and if you think about that time it was kind of the dawning of the microcomputer or personal computer revolution and I worked for a couple of years for a Fortune 500 company Alcoa my father said it's the only real job I ever had and then at the age of 23 my best friend and I started our first company and we started a company in the personal computer space and had no idea what we were doing we were young we were green. Back then buck it wasn't like today where there's all these incubators and accelerators and all these mentors and so many people you can get help starting you know an entrepreneurship is such a you know a cool thing and such a hip thing back then it was something that not a lot of people were doing and I was like most of the kids I went to college with were looking to go work for IBM or some Fortune 500 company but it was really a special time and we got bit when you got bit by the entrepreneurial bug and if you think back every so often game-changing technology comes along and certainly the late 70s early 80s that was the case with a personal computer if you think about up until that time the only had access to computers were universities large corporations or pretty good sized companies and they were big computers they were expensive and they took a team of geeks to program them yeah that all changed in the late 70s with Apple and IBM introduced their first personal computer in 1981 and compact computer and all that and it really now every person every small business could have a computer and the software that came along with it from people like Bill Gates and Mitch Kapoor of Lotus123 that came along with it you didn't any longer have to be a programmer or geek to figure out how to use this. So we start our business and that was our first company. We exited that about eight years later got about 20 million in sales and then kind of been doing it ever since and an entrepreneur and on the field as is I kind of look at I've been the core I was the quarterback for many years and you know living the daily grind and fight of being an entrepreneur. And I like being on the sidelines at this point
Buck: Got it. So you know we talked a little bit offline about my audience and where you know I tend to be for the most part you know alternative asset investors who are looking for different things generally you know heavily in real estate and that sort of thing. So you know a lot of the nomenclature maybe for this area is going to be a little bit foreign maybe just from an educational standpoint maybe kind of if you would you know you hear a lot of different types of things, words thrown around like angel investing and venture capital and private equity within technology, can you talk a little bit about that and maybe you know kind of where you're focused.
Tom: Yeah sure so I kind of look at it in stages so early, early stage you know say Buck you were going to start a company a technology company tomorrow and you needed to raise a few hundred thousand dollars to get it going. The first thing you would probably do is go out to your family and friends and get them to invest so that's kind of very very early stage probably pre you probably don't have any revenue no customers it's just an idea. The next stage is angel investing and that's when you typically get a little bit past that family and friends maybe you've got some customers now you've got a real product you go out to that group and these are kind of and that and angels have changed over the years but you know many of us do it professionally so these are more sophisticated investors they do a lot of deals they see a lot of deals and we'll talk more about that later. Then if you're successful if your success continues you continue growing you get bigger now you're looking to in that angel round is typically maybe 500 000 to a million maybe a little more maybe a little less, now you're ready for you know a more institutional round or series a these rounds tend to be more like two to three million to 10 million amount amount that you're raising that's venture capital still early but you've got customers you've got some traction and then you know and that really from venture capital private equity is even later stage and the difference in and I spent the last kind of 10 years my career running private equity companies working a lot with private equity guys that's tend to be that tends to be later stage companies they're profitable they put a lot of leverage on them so the private equity companies typically put a lot of debt on these companies so there has to be that cash flow in ebitda to make that happen and so property equity guys are looking for two three four x returns on their companies maybe greater than when we exited vector solutions my last company. I take our last private equity round we provide our investors about eight or nine times their money back venture capital is different game they know they're gonna invest in and by the way private equity guys nothing's going to zero, they're not investing in companies that are going to zero. I mean once a while it happens but it's a rarity where venture capital is a little different game you know and it depends on where you're playing it because if you're playing in New York or Silicon Valley it's a different game than you're playing in Florida but typically we're banking on a certain percentage of our companies going to zero that they're just not going to be successful and you know some we're going to get our money back and we're going to make all our money on kind of the top third that's how we look at Florida Funders the third or third or third but you know the you know the folks out in the valley probably look at it more like you're investing in 10 companies nine are going to zero one's gonna be unicorn and they're gonna make all the returns on the one company. So you know it varies a little differently with you know where you're playing geographically and what you're doing but that kind of is how we look at that paradigm of you know stages of investing in venture capital versus private equity.
Buck: Obviously and you're talking about you you sort of alluded to it a little bit but you know if the tech private equity folks are looking to return you know I think what did you say you know maybe for up to eight three or four three times over a period of how long like a decade or something like that.
Tom: I mean the returns typically they invest in money over a period about three or four years and then the returns start coming in shortly after that and they're out by usually like 10 years right.
Buck: And then with angel, so what's the compelling element that you like and maybe investors should know about your space which is you know the angel investing which is really the earliest I mean after friends and family right so it's certainly the highest risk but yeah so what do you just like the asymmetric nature of that?
Tom: Well it's risk reward so yeah I will admit I personally am a little bit of a deal junkie but you don't have to be. If you look at some of the research, I would never suggest anybody that is you know as they look at their asset allocation across their investments that angel investing should be a large portion of it. It is for me because it's what I do for a living so maybe a chair 20 of my net worth but 10 whatever but typically it's a small sliver two three percent for an investor but if you do it right angel investing can and has historically outperformed every other asset class including venture capital and private equity that is research coming out of the Angel Capital Association Of America. So the problem is most people don't do angel investing correctly. We call this the 5 Ds of angel investing, so diversity, deal flow, due diligence, domain expertise and discipline. So the first mistake most angel investors make I use my brother as an example my brother's a very successful software CEO, he sold his last company for 1.6 billion dollars and I said to him one day Tim you know what about angel investing he said I've done that two or three times I went to zero that doesn't work. Well you really can't do it two to three times because the odds are against you you might as well go to the casino you really need to be up to build a portfolio a diversified portfolio like you have to in most investing, we say 10 to 15 companies you should invest in to really you know have enough diversity. Secondly is deal flow. How many deals do you look at to invest in each one again look at my brother I'm like Tim well how many deals did you look at to do these two or three deals he's like well he just looked at those two or three like you know it Florida Funders and vendor we'll look at 50 deals to do one. So we're highly selective and we're you know we like believe we're getting the best of the best. And then due diligence is how much research and digging in did you do in your process and a lot of research on this 20 plus hours is you know really what you should do to maximize your potential returns if Florida Funders every company we do we have more like 80 to 100 hours of due diligence and this is everything from digging into the the founders and their background their experience to talking to those early customers asking about the product, why they buy it, how important it is, is it nice to have, does it have to have we really get into in their technology, what's your technology stack look like, what's their IP, so that's a big part of it. And then domain expertise and this is investing in what you know. You're a doctor right you're a surgeon so if you were looking to invest in a medical device company you would know a lot more about that than me. So with us at 1000 Florida Funders we invest in software companies software as a service we invest in cyber security fintech edtech digital health areas that all of me and my partners have backgrounds in. So we're investing in what we know. And then the last thing is discipline to be a good investor I would argue real estate I don't know what you're guessing you gotta come up with your your thesis and you gotta stick to it. And the biggest thing we see in angel investing or I see an angel investigators mistake people make is fomo. They invest because all their friends are investing and they don't want to miss out on this deal that is not a good reason to invest and what we found is if you're disciplined and you follow those other four d's and that process and do that over and over again that you're going to be successful and that this can be a very not only successful asset class from a return on investment standpoint but also fun. I mean think about it we'd like to say we get to go to work every day with these young talented smart people who are trying to change the world we're gonna be more fun than that?
Buck: Yeah let's you know exploring some of those d's for a moment one of them I'm thinking about here is you mentioned deal flow and I now you're in Florida. If I'm you know a software developer and I've got something I'm excited about, am I gonna go to Silicon Valley or I mean so how does that factor into this in terms of affecting your deal flow? Do you see some advantages in being you know on the other coast or what's that been like in your experience?
Tom: Yeah we we do see some advantages in Florida is a very unique state we're the third most populous state in the country growing rapidly we have great tax laws we're a very pro state very unlike California in a lot of ways now again they play a different game it's really not California Silicon Valley In San Francisco right I mean by the way all the venture capital invests in the united states goes into 60 of it goes into four little micro markets. Twenty percent goes in Silicon Valley twenty percent san francisco ten percent boston ten percent in new york so forty percent goes to the rest of the world. We have in Florida over the last decade really great success stories and technology companies like Chewy.com, Jetsmart, Fanatics, Knowbe4, Connect-wise, these are all unicorn companies built here in Florida where the people the entrepreneurs didn't leave here to go to Silicon Valley they could have but they didn't and we're seeing more and more of that in fact we're seeing the opposite happen where we're getting calls from from founders are saying we're getting out of the valley we're getting out of San Francisco it's too expensive to the talent google and facebook are sucking up all the talent they pay them they we can't compete with them and we're looking for a pro business state to come to and in the past you know when that happened it was more it was mostly Austin Texas had benefited from that in colorado places like Boulder and Denver but now we're seeing it in Florida and it's exciting and you know we have a lot to offer these founders, we have 45 incubators and accelerators across the state, we have a lot of support systems for entrepreneurs and we're a very pro pro business state. So it's exciting. And then the other thing that's exciting from an investor standpoint is the valuations. You know companies in in Silicon Valley and San Francisco you know they're they don't have any revenues they have an idea and they're worth 10 million dollars you know in Florida most of the companies we invest in already have revenues already have customers somewhere you know the revenues might be 50 000 in annual recurring revenue up to maybe 500 000, but we can invest in them at a valuation of you know free market valuation maybe 5 million 3 million 7 million. So we don't need them to be a unicorn for us to have a very successful exit for us and for our fellow investors and we can get you know 10x 20x 30x returns with a company that's exiting at 100 million dollars which is in the tech world is not a huge exit today.
Buck: Tell me how it works in terms of a typical I mean my you know my listeners are used to you know the types of real estate private equity particularly our accredited investor groups and things like that but how does a fund like this work? Is it you know a typical 2 and 20 type type structure you know and if you could kind of talk about that and you know maybe also some historical in terms of what you're seeing you know obviously not promising anything future wise but what what kinds of results have you guys had?
Tom: Yeah so yes we're two and twenty our fund is a two and twenty fund so it's very typical.
Buck: So two percent annual basically under management and then twenty percent profit right and then right got it so that's pretty standard and then and then in terms of in Florida Funders what kind of you know structures are you looking at are are you doing? Are these regulation D exemption type things or I mean are they 506 c's or are they crowd funding or you know right crowdfunding or how are you structuring these?
Tom: Yeah so the way we work if we're a little different animal. We'd like to think we have a pretty unique model is once a company makes it through our vetting process and we say okay we're gonna invest in you. Our fund will put in the first, say we're gonna raise a million dollars for this company, our fund will put in 500 000 and then we take the 500 000 we go out to our crowd curated accredited investors we only deal with accredited so we're 506 C and then the crowd will fill in the rest, sometimes it's a little light maybe the fun will make up the distance many times it's over subscribed it will raise more for the founder or we'll just shut it off. So you know again we're a little a little bit different.
Buck: Sorry to interrupt but you're saying that each opportunity you're doing separately, you're not doing it as a portfolio like a fund, you're doing each business separately?
Tom: So we have two things we have a fund of our own that many of our just invest in the fund and we invest the money for them, but then we have this curated crowd of accredited investors who invest alongside our fund. So like myself personally I'm an investor in our fund I invest in almost every deal we do as well and I'll vary what I put in the deals based on what I think what I like you know that's that sort of thing. Now we have some many investors that are just in our fund they love what we're doing they're really excited about they're like you know hey we don't know technology, I don't know technology, I don't have time to look at even though you guys do all the due diligence and put it off on the portal and I don't really have to do a lot of work you kind of take the heavy lifting out of angel investing for me, I don't have the time to do it or I don't know tech so why don't I just give you the money and you guys invest it for me. And so we're on our second fund to go back to your question about our returns we're just stamming our first exits from our first fund which is about four years old. We had we'll have we've had two in the last week and one was 1.8 x times your money back and one was a little over two so those are moderate returns in our world yeah and we're playing you know we're we we expect to have some of those but we also expect to have 10x 20x 30x deals and then we expect to have zeros too.
Buck: Right got it. In terms of right now in this day and age specifically talking about a recessionary environment, a pandemic environment, how is this all affecting your business and you know your business is that you invest in you know capital all of these things.
Tom: Yeah it's been interesting because you know if you look back at 2009 2010 the great recession, the one area of investing that really never slowed and took was was early stage tech investing in an angel investing. It didn't really have much of an effect on it. We're kind of seeing that we're still doing deals we're very active or you know lots of deal flow you know some of our portfolio companies were severely affected by cobit but with the PPP loans and we work with our companies we don't just invest in them and leave them alone we take a board seat we get involved we coach them we provide introductions to them we help them in any way we can be successful. Many of them got ppp loans that are going to be forgiven or you know that really helped them a lot some of them pivoted and most of them have really bounced. We lost one there was a restaurant tech company which you know obviously that's not the space you want to be in this downturn in overdays but they weren't doing so great anyway. But a lot you know some you know some of our companies are k-12 education companies most of them have really bounced back now I mean they took a hit but they bounced back. We have companies in the healthcare space that you know they're involved a lot with elective surgery, they obviously took a hit but now they've bounced back. So it's been interesting it's been on you know we we hunkered down there with our companies for a while and said hey our message to them was cut your burn preserve cash you don't know when you're gonna be able to raise money again extend your runway and make sure you can live the fight your way through this and most of them have done that very successfully.
Buck: Where does for for your typical investor and I think you kind of had mentioned a little bit in terms of allocation, but you know if you look at a portfolio of you know 100 of your investable assets, what sort of a rule of thumb people I'm maybe not you know Tom Wallaces the world where you're in the middle of this but if you're looking to get exposure what what do you tell people what is sort of the rule of thumb on these types of things whether it be you know direct technology investments or angel investments or how do you look at or how do you suggest people look at it?
Tom: You know I think it's five percent or less you know whatever you're comfortable with but you know. There's something that's happened out there if you think about technology the days of buying amazon and apple and a couple hundred million dollar valuation rounding that to a trillion dollars or over. Facebook went public the valuation was what 70 billion. Uber went public valuation 40 50 billion. These companies because there's so much venture capital money out there these companies are waiting so long to go public to really get phenomenal returns angel investing is how you're going to do it because you know again companies are waiting so long to go public and so we you know again if you do the five Ds and you diversify you know there there's an opportunity for for great returns here and you know we're only seeing that trend more and more and it's becoming more exciting with all the changes to crowdfunding and all the rules that came out in you know when crowdfunding was first made legal back within six or seven years now so yeah it's an exciting space and it can be one again that you can have a lot of fun with and you can really see some exciting companies and meet some crazy founders great founders a tad crazy yeah and but yeah I'd say five percent or less I mean that's typically what our number would be.
Buck: So before we go maybe just sort of in general like for Florida Funders that's what it's called and what's the website
Tom: Floridafunders.com
Buck: So if you kind of gave us you know your you know your elevator pitch so to speak on on Florida Funders and why to look into it more and how you're different from the other angel groups what would you say to that?
Tom: Our secret sauce has a couple things. One is deal flow we've been named by cb insights and pitch book both those organizations says the most active EC in the southeast the most active venture capitalist in Florida. So we are out and about in the tech community down here, we're very well known. Every month 50 to 100 companies just go to our website and apply for funding. So we're looking at way more deals and as a result we think we're getting access to the best deals. The second part of our secret sauce is the extensive extensive due diligence we do, even more we invest alongside some Silicon Valley venture capitalists some New York venture capitalists and we often have co-investors in our deal and I would argue that almost nobody does the level of due diligence we do and that's everything from really getting to know the founders a lot of this is betting on the jockey to you know those early customers and interviewing them to plugging in a subject matter expert and we tap into our network of 1500 investors and you know we're looking at a health tech digital play you know we're pulling people that have extensive domain expertise who can really work in that space who have years of experience and they really help us evaluate these deals and once we invest they help these companies advise them and mentor them and coach them. So that's kind of what makes us different here at Florida Funders and if you think about you know where the future is for so many states, and obviously you know we're focused on Florida. We like to say we're we're looking to change Florida from a state we want Florida to be as known if not no more for technology and innovation than we are today for the mouse and tourism and strawberries.
Buck: Sure got it. Well listen Tom it's been great and very helpful and educational for my audience here. Again it's Florida Funders like fun having funders dot com Floridafunders.com and Tom I wanna thank you again for being on the show and maybe have you on again sometime and let us know how your next fund does.
Tom: Will do Buck it's been my pleasure. Thank you so much. All the best to you and your listeners and I've really enjoyed spending this time with you.
Buck: We'll be right back.

Hey all, I used to play poker really casually with my friends when I used to live somewhere else, but haven't played in a while. I have good grasp of the game and am wondering if anyone knows someone who hosts a game around the Colorado Springs/Denver area and is willing to add another person. I can bring beers for the first game lol! I don't know if this post will actually be successful but I am just itching to play some poker and I don't want to go to a casino. I'm cool with wearing a mask and I actually get tested for covid pretty regularly through my college. I am willing to gamble money or not, Just nothing unreasonable like 500 dollars. I don't have a limit on what I'm willing to buy-in with, but I'm not rich haha. If anyone knows of like a game club or something that hosts poker nights that would be cool too. Please let me know! Thanks!

One more roundup before we leave, alas. Regions are still super approximate. I updated some previous rankings as well.
Tallies: 137 in the Denver metro; 66 in the rest of the Front Range; 33 in the rest of the state. We've visited a total of 236 breweries, cideries, and meaderies in Colorado.

The Rest of the Front Range

• 300 Suns (Longmont): This brewery served me both a smoked cherry sour (YES) and a red ale with a distinct barf aroma, so I'm really split here. Overall, I'm not excited.
• Avery (Boulder): Say what you will about their distributed lineup, but their taproom has some of the cooler small-batch brews out there. We got to attend their invitational twice; it's one of the best beer fests around.
• Berthoud Brewing (Berthoud): The better of two options in this tiny town. That's not saying much.
• Black Bottle (Fort Collins): Big tap list with lots of variety, usually good, sometimes uneven. I once found a lichtenhainer on tap here. I may have squealed.
• Black Forest (Black Forest): Surprisingly good brewery in a tiny forest town just outside the Springs. Better-than-expected beers, sizeable lineup, nice people.
• Brues Alehouse (Pueblo): I guess they're the best thing I've found in Pueblo, but that's a backhanded compliment if ever I gave one.
• Buckhorn (Loveland, RIP): A brewery the size of a small living room with 4-5 beers on tap. The brewer came and chatted with us for a while and seemed like a super nice guy. They made some really cool stuff, including a no-boil, no-hop lacto stout that blew my mind. They shut down not long after we went.
• Cerberus (Colorado Springs): A highlight in the Springs with very good food, too.
• City Star (Berthoud): Nice tap list on their website seems to be months old. Neither of us cared for their actual lineup much.
• Cogstone (Colorado Springs): Friends told us to go to try their chips 'n' salsa beer, which, yes, does taste like chips 'n' salsa. We didn't love anything here.
• Colorado Mountain Brewery at the Roundhouse (Colorado Springs, multiple locations): Bland gastropub with blah beer.
• DC Oakes (Fort Collins): Standard-issue brewpub with its own beer. Nothing to write home about.
• Dostal Alley Casino & Brewpub (Central City): Central City is a gorgeous Old West mountain town where the soulless casinos now seem to outnumber any sort of non-sleazy business. Naturally, when we found a casino with a built-in brewpub boasting GABF medals for their dry stout, we went. Unsurprisingly, the place was sleazy and crappy, with a few phoning-it-in beers and slot machines built into the bar.
• Dratz (Loveland): They were brand new when we visited, and very nice. The beer was... not good. Hope they work out their initial difficulties.
• Echo Brewing (Frederick): Just three weeks after visiting, I remember nothing at all about this brewery, but my Untappd ratings of their handful of run-of-the-mill styles were low. Evidently I wasn't impressed.
• Elevation (Poncha Springs): Does this still qualify as the Front Range? I flippin' adore Elevation, makers of the single best pilsner I've ever had. One of the very best middle-of-nowhere, small-town breweries I've been to.
• Elizabeth Brewing (Elizabeth): Small-town brewery in conservative Douglas County. Pretty meh throughout.
• Equinox (Fort Collins): Pretty good, nothing amazing.
• Estes Park Brewery (Estes Park): Unremarkable.
• Fieldhouse (Colorado Springs): Everything was really middlin'. Tons of dogs, which is always a bonus for me.
• Finkel & Garf (Boulder): Solid, but didn't live up to the hype for me. Seems like they just play it ultra-safe.
• Florence (Florence): Solid with a large tap list in a tiny town far off the beaten path.
• Fossil (Colorado Springs): Solid, but unexciting. Super duper nice people.
• Funkwerks (Fort Collins): Oh, hell yeah.
• Gilded Goat (Fort Collins): Nice, not amazing.
• Goat Patch (Colorado Springs): We finally visited when we were stuck in the Springs after a blizzard closed all roads back to Denver. Pretty good, not amazing brewery in what looks like a former high school converted to gentrified hipster mall space.
• Gold Camp (Colorado Springs, apparently no website): We felt a bit guilty because we got to meet their fabulously nice brewer, but just didn't care for their beers. They seemed closer to homebrew quality at the moment.
• Great Storm (Colorado Springs, RIP): Really nice with some unusual styles and creative ideas. Friendly people. Closed soon after our visit; now Atrevida Brewing.
• Grimm Brothers (Loveland): Cool taproom, some really nice beers.
• Grossen Bart (Longmont): I was kind of disappointed. A lot of beers seemed really off style or just unremarkable.
• Gunbarrel (Boulder): Good IPAs and a nice rosemary beer.
• High Hops (Windsor): Gorgeous patio with view of hop field and gardening center, with a small distillery attached. The beer isdecent, not remarkable.
• Industrial Revolution (Erie): I wanted to like them, based on their shtick. I think we left all of our beers unfinished. Nope.
• Intersect (Fort Collins): Unabashed hipster taproom with piles of old records. Nice folks. Beer generally good, nothing great.
• Iron Bird (Colorado Springs): Nice, but largely unremarkable.
• Jessup Farm Barrel House (Fort Collins): My surprise favorite find on our second CO vacation and one of the very best wild/sour breweries around.
• Kettle & Spoke (Boulder): We kind of just wound up here because they're down the street from Redstone. We found a tiny taproom inside a bike shop with some of the best IPAs in recent memory, and a fantastically nice brewer who offered us an impromptu tour of the production space.
• Left Hand (Longmont): They're exceptionally solid, and I wish they'd strut their stuff a little more. Their Juju series of ginger brews has a special place in my heart.
• Local Relic (Colorado Springs): An experimental brewery in a gorgeous old church that prides itself on never making the same beer twice. They blew our minds the first time we went, and we were in their expensive-ass beer club for a while. Their "no repeats" philosophy unfortunately means that they frequently have several super similar batches on tap at once, a lot of their beers could really use a trial run, and they often bottle things before they're ready. After a few too many bottle bombs and undrinkable yeast shakes, we pretty much stopped going.
• Locust Cider (Boulder): The standard cidery model where everything's inoffensive and the business model is "bring that friend who doesn't do gluten." I just don't care about this form of cider at this point, but they do it just as well as everyone else.
• Loveland Aleworks (Loveland): We like Verboten more, but these guys are another fabulous Loveland spot.
• McClellan's (Fort Collins): I don't care much for British styles, but we enjoyed the beer, food, and a great conversation with a member of the brewing family here.
• Nano 108 (Colorado Springs): Tiny taproom that we really liked in 2015. We went back in 2018 and found some stellar options (their rauchbier omggggggg) and several brews with off-flavor issues. Come for the German styles here; I'm not crazy about their IPAs.
• New Belgium (Fort Collins): Did the tour, visited the taproom. They seem like a good company that just embraces inoffensiveness a bit too hard. Then they sold out, and now I haven't bought anything from them in years.
• The Old Mine (Erie): Good cidery in a gorgeous old brick building in a tiny town.
• Open Door (Longmont): Had good lagers and saisons here. Super nice people in a chill spot.
• Periodic (Leadville): At 11k+ feet, this must be the highest craft brewery we've visited. OK beer, spotty service.
• Phantom Canyon (Colorado Springs): Great beer and service the first time we came, mediocre at best the second time, and only OK ever since. Food is pretty good.
• Redstone (Boulder): Likely the biggest of the tiny handful of meaderies currently in CO. Their stuff trends sweeter than I like, but they have some cool varieties (sunflower mead = yes) and wonderful taproom staff.
• Rocky Mountain (Colorado Springs): Long-running brewery on the outskirts of the Springs. Some sugary sours and hard lemonades that weren't up my alley, along with a very good barleywine. We chatted with the brewmaster for a while, who was a super nice guy.
• Royal Gorge (Cañon City): The only brewery in town and one of few places to grab a bite. They only had one or two of their own beers, which were homebrew quality. Keep driving.
• Shamrock (Pueblo): Like everything about Pueblo, this place was a total disappointment.
• Soulcraft (Salida): Another pretty good small-town brewery a few miles from Elevation.
• St. Vrain (Longmont): Really excellent cidery with multiple ginger ciders and great guest taps.
• Timnath Beerwerks (Timnath): Extremely solid, nice people. They're also more or less down the street from the Swetsville Zoo, one of my favorite roadside attractions in the state.
• Tommyknocker (Idaho Springs): Gimmicky and never better than all right. Two blocks from Westbound & Down, which is the indisputably better option.
• Trinity (Colorado Springs): I've no idea how it took me several years to get to the only brett-focused brewery I've ever found. Huge, consistently good tap and bottle list, great food with good veg options, nice staff. My best brewery find in the Springs to date. They sold in 2020, and we haven't been back since.
• Twisted Pine (Boulder): Solid with some interesting ideas, including a good basil beer.
• Uhl (Boulder): They took over Wild Woods' space in 2020 and opened during the shutdown. They had a few promising weird options, including an unexpectedly lovely peanut butter beer.
• Verboten (Loveland): Our absolute favorite in town. Creative, irreverent, and spot-on.
• WeldWerks (Greeley): I fussed for so long about wanting to come here that it was inevitably kind of a letdown when we finally went. Their beers are good, make no mistake, but definitely not "drive an hour and a half to get it" good.
• Westbound & Down (Idaho Springs): Another hypey place. The beer, food, and service were all good on our first visit but sorta uneven on subsequent trips.
• Wild Cider (Longmont): Standard-issue, above-average cider. Lovely outdoor seating with a gorgeous mountain view.
• Wild Woods (Boulder, RIP): We stumbled in during their anniversary party and loved them. Their smoked yam beer rocked my world. They sadly closed in 2019.
• Wiley Roots (Greeley): ... and now I'm going to contradict the above statement re: WeldWerks directly. Wiley Roots, just around the corner from the above, is worth that drive. Their wild ales are lovely, and while their adjunct stouts can be hit and miss, they're immensely solid overall. Massive pluses include an unusually nice taproom crew, a fluffy brew cat with her own Instagram account (@midnightbrewcat), and the lovely Syntax Distillery next door.
• Zwei (Fort Collins): Kicks the crap out of Denver's Prost as far as I'm concerned. Good beer, great people.

The Rest of Colorado (South, West, Central)

Current category tally: 33

• Angry James (Silverthorne): Pretty much anywhere I go on the way home from the stellar Outer Range isn't really going to get my heart rate up, but we enjoyed our stop here.
• Animas (Durango): Nice and solid; nothing exciting here. Food isn't great.
• BierWerks (Woodland Park): Most of their taps were other people's beers, and the couple of in-house brews we managed to try ranged from so-so to not good. Oh, and they have a Nazi map on the wall for some damn reason!? Ute Pass across the street is an all-around better option.
• Breckenridge (Breckenridge): Macro brewery in the "guess you have to go once" category. The beer was exceedingly mediocre, food was so-so.
• BREW Pub & Kitchen (Durango): My favorite in Durango tbh. Oh, and their food is good, too.
• Broken Compass (Breckenridge): Solid.
• Carver (Durango): Nice people, good brunch. Their beer won't blow your mind, but it's usually solid.
• Casey Brewing and Blending (Glenwood Springs): We bought tour tickets and made a weekend trip out just to go to Casey. My affection for sours is on a steep downward slope, but Casey is stellar, and the tour was delightful and totally worth doing.
• Colorado Vineyards/Rocky Mountain Winery (Palisade): Including them here because they make a lot of mead, which I like, but don't love.
• Eddyline (Buena Vista): Middlin', IPA-focused place in the horrifically named Byoona Vista.
• Glenwood Canyon (Glenwood Springs): One of those breweries that only seem to stay in business because they have a central spot in a tourist town. Nothing interesting here.
• Guanella Pass (Georgetown): Most of the beers we tried were yeasty af. No love from me.
• High Alpine (Gunnison): We stopped here after a trip to Black Canyon of the Gunnison National Park, out of our minds with natural beauty. The beer was, unsurprisingly, nothing to write home about, but the food was outstanding and the staff was delightful.
• Highside (Frisco): It's hard to look good when you share a ZIP code with Outer Range. Run-of-the-mill small-town brewery with food, nothing to write home about.
• Mad Jack's Mountain Brewing (Bailey): We pulled off 285 here one afternoon to get out of the rain. Small tap list and tiny tap room, but pretty good beer and a killer food truck out back.
• Main Street (Cortez): Another small-town brewery with not much going.
• Meadery of the Rockies (Palisade): The better Palisade meadery. Again, they like their mead sweeter and gloopier than I do, but it's lovely in small quantities.
• Mr. Grumpy Pants/Ourayle House (Ouray): I like the guy and his shtick a bit more than the beer, but it's definitely the better brewery in town.
• Ouray Brewery (Ouray): The douchey tourist trap option in beautiful Ouray.
• Outer Range (Frisco): The hype is real. ORB makes hands down the best NEIPAs I've ever had, and a stunning range of them. "Downside:" NEIPAs are basically all they do. They have a couple of Belgians, but if you're not into hazy IPAs, this place really isn't for you.
• Palisade Brewing (Palisade): Solid, unexciting.
• Paradox (Divide): One of the best sour-focused breweries around. They may have the most stunning mountain view of any brewery I've been in this state, and that's saying a lot.
• Riff Raff (Pagosa Springs): One of those breweries where they put your pint down in front of you, you take one sip, and you're ready to head out.
• Rockslide (Grand Junction): Nice space, so-so beer.
• San Luis Valley (Alamosa): We stopped here on our way back from my birthday trip in 2019, which coincided with a blizzard that shut down the entire Denver metro. Their beer and food were forgettable, but the fact that I was worried sick about getting home to our pets (we didn't until 24 hours later) the whole time we were there didn't help matters.
• South Park (Fairplay): We stopped here to escape a crazy cloudburst. Beer was OK, food was OK, neither was anything I really need again.
• Steamworks (Durango): Ranges from really good to barely decent. Decent food.
• Telluride Brewing (you guessed it - Telluride): Quite good brewery with nice people in one of the more picturesque mountain towns out there.
• Three Barrel (Del Norte): Ah, Colorado. Where else do towns of 1,700 in the middle of nowhere have breweries with sahtis and sours on the menu?
• Two Rascals (Montrose): Unremarkable.
• Ute Pass (Woodland Park, RIP): This brewery had four different wits on tap, including two black wits.
• Vino Salida (Salida): Yes, tiny Salida and Poncha Springs have two good breweries, a distillery, and a meadery. Dayum.
• Wolfe (Pagosa Springs): Pleasant small-town brewery.

It has been said that the Mountain West conference is “At the Peak,” and to me, nothing illustrates that more, than the fact that there are 12 teams competing in the only NCAA Division 1 conference that sponsors e-sports. Of course, since the matches are played head-to-head, Boise State has an advantage because they tint the monitors blue, and play with all blue avatars; an advantage that is confirmed in their winning of League of Legends and Overwatch, but with the Spring season being cut, next year the Mountain West has announced that they will be playing Mario Kart 8, for the Nintendo Switch. Due to the large amounts of people in the Mountain West cities suddenly having $1200 burning a hole in their pocket, every store that sells Nintendo Switch has sold out of their allotment; yes, even, Amazon. So, thus the conundrum becomes: How can these players, prospects, and ordinary people practice in order to “git gud” as the gamers would say? Well, that’s where I come in. For, you see, since I am allowed out on the streets again, finally, due to both my prison sentence being cut short, and my work being determined to be “essential,” I had the time to scope out some places. Alas, while my cough and fever are not improving as much as I had hoped since I last got back from Italy, I did manage to find some time to visit all of the Mountain West cities in order to find the easiest place to get a Switch and Mario Kart 8 location. For simplicity’s sake, I am going by the football stadium since it’s a well-defined point in most locations – San José State fans, the football stadium is that big ovoid building at the corner of E Alma Ave, and S 7th St… It’s the place where the people aren’t on Saturday’s is September. Should you get hungry during your travels, I have also managed to find a some breakfast locations in the same vicinity

Mountain

Air Force

Okay, so I lied a little; I tried to get into the university, but, unfortunately the men with guns wouldn’t actually let me get beyond the gate on S Gate Rd, and I was still a little jet-lagged having just gotten in from Frankfurt after having woken up for my 0610 flight for the Linate to Frankfurt leg (stupid weather prevented the flight from Denver to ABQ, but my loss is your gain). So, while this may not be the closest, it certainly will fit the bill. Tyler-Jay Rowland who lives at 3075 Navigation Drive, in Colorado Springs was more than willing to help out, especially since his son, Jeremiah, was grounded for a month for staying out after curfew two weekends in a row. As the falcon flies, this location is 5.2 miles away; in a car, it’s not too much further than that.

Boise State

Now, I don’t, technically, hate the way that Boise is laid out with the river running right through the center of town, but even though Maci Drew lives in the Clearwater Apartments, unit 323, which is in a straight line, only a quarter of a mile from the stadium, you will have to go the Exxtramile, to get to her apartment. Also, she would like me to point out, that times for a waitress like herself are a little rough, so please, if you’re hungry, skip Taco Bell, and eat at the Bar Gernika in downtown Boise, right next to the Central Plaza and Century Link Arena. “We have wifi” she said.

Colorado State

This is, by far, the most remarkable location; I had completely forgotten that they moved to an on-campus stadium, so I initially went to the Hughes Stadium location, and found a big pile of dirt. And not much else – well, if you exclude the trees that formed a nice line, that brought me back to my college days. Having corrected my too old Garmin in-car GPS, I found Tim Thatcher on 604 Balsam Ln; he’s a little deaf, so you might need to knock like you are ram-ing down the door. He bought the Switch after his wife of 35 years died to help him grieve and spend his retirement, “but it’s just making me too sad lately, and I’ve never been very good at vid’ya [sic] games. I still don’t know how I’m supposed to save the princess when she’s trying to beat me… That reminds me of my princess, who I lost last year. She was so kind, we met in high school, I had an onion on my belt as was the style in those days. They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.” I’ll be honest, at this point I started zoning out because, again, fever. He honestly looked really sad as I was talking to him, so you might want to try to cheer him up, since he’s just a lonely guy bein’ a dude. In a straight line distance, you’re only going .3 miles, and it’s not too much further by car.

New Mexico

This is by far the closest location to the stadium. The UNM Lobo Club is a non-essential business in the state of New Mexico, and UNM and the Athletics Department realized that funding would need to be cut dramatically throughout the state, and with the sweetheart deal they got from the legislature this year, they decided to close all athletic facilities, including the Maloof building, home of both Eddie Nuñez’s office, and the Lobo Club. I suggest using the side door closest to the field level entrance of the stadium. That’ll take you to the weight room; an alarm will go off, the code is “1892” the year the football team first played (interesting tidbit: the marching band was founded in 1889, the same year as the university); from there enter the main hallway, and go to the first door on the left after you pass the restrooms. The last time I was there, they had a vending machine that dispensed free Mountain Dew; I was howl-ing with laughter after I found that. Also, if you see Señor Manta, say “Hola!” he’s been down on his luck since his family were killed in the accident, and now he wanders the street like a lone Lobo.

Utah State

It was like a bomb went off. No one was around; maybe they were busy playing Farmer, or having a bonfire out in the dirt behind the stadium, wit their brown-eyed girls, but Jeff Field’s dorm room, Aggie Village Community building 17, first floor, third window from the right (he leaves it unlocked, so don’t worry about access) has a Switch just sitting there on the bed, as though he borrowed it from someone, but never managed to return it before he left. Go on, take it, just say that it was yours and he left it, no one will check.

Wyoming

Cowboys and Cowgirls are just different, I guess; I could not find a Nintendo Switch in town for the life of me. I found many Switchblades, Light switches, and many wooden rods, so I took my horse down to Cheyenne, and found a recently laid-off Subway Sandwich Artist called Dom, who knew just where to look. He directed me to 803 West 21st St, Suite B. He told me, “yeah, the guy who runs this storefront, has a little son, about 6 years old. He keeps a Switch in his desk’s keyboard tray for when he picks his son up from school.” Because of the ordeal in Laramie, I asked him to clarify, and he did, “yeah… Nintendo switch.” He said as he looked around shiftily. If that doesn’t work you can always try Suite C, I heard they stock Switches… oh wait, not that kind.” I was going to ask him for more information, but he entered what looked like an abandoned brick building just passed the railroad tracks, “You didn’t see me,” he said. And I also didn’t hear the gunshots that went off as I walked back to my car.

Table View

School	Distance Driving (mi)	Straight Line Distance (mi)	Drive/Drone Difference	Variance (from all schools)A
Air Force	8.44	5.22	3.22	0.047
Boise State	1.00	0.282	0.718	1.069
Colorado State	0.420	0.312	0.108	1.792
New Mexico	0.206	0.191	0.015	1.920
Utah State	0.444	0.305	0.139	1.751
Wyoming	47.90	40.69	7.21	4.894

A: Variance is calculated based upon DDD’s distance from the standard deviation of DDD… Why DDD? Because, DDD is King.

West

Note: SDSU currently does not field an Esports team; I am including them because it seems likely that they will in the near future

Hawai’i

Hawai’i is interesting because the Honolulu airport has a much better open air location than the El Paso airport; there’s a water path, it’s weird man, it reminds me a lot of the Tiki Room at Disn… oh, yeah, Hawai’i, Polynesia, that makes sense. Anyway, the stadium is home to the largest swap meet’s I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately, I did not find any Switches, but I did find a guy swapping Macadamia Nut cookies for a few dollars, so naturally, I bought some. It started to rain, so even though many people are Rainbow Warriors or Wahine, as the women prefer to be called, I am not. I stopped in at the ‘Aeia Public Library for a spell, and my phone was dead, so I needed a place to charge for a bit. The nice librarian, Akela (“it means graceful,” I was told. After I asked, “like the wolf-spirit in Hindi myths?”), pointed out, that, “We loan out all sorts of stuff here; pots, pans, sewing machines. Believe it or not, we even rent out video game systems. Our most popular is probably the Nintendo Switch, but we also have a couple of Xbox’s and PS4’s.” I guess I looked very shocked because Akela continued, “with the military surrounding us, we, the library system, get a lot of goods from contractors who don’t want to have a lot of their goods shipped back to the mainland.” Seeing how much it cost to ship out, I completely understood, and bid ¬¬Akela aloha, and failed the Hawai’I test by passing out at the nearest Embassy Suites, in Kapolei, if I remember correctly (I probably don’t, I was tired).

Fresno State

A nice cow brought me to Clovis. Much like what happened in Las Vegas, it was not the cool one, but instead the one in California. She (I saw udders), brought me specifically to 264 Clovis Ave, and said, “what you seek, from my master, is in there.” I’m not sure if it was my fever, jet-lag, a combination of them, or something else entirely, but then the cow vanished as though she was just a thing on the internet. A stray puppy passed by me in downtown, so that was probably the highlight of the trip.

Nevada (Reno)

Look, I’ll be honest, Reno to me always makes me feel like I’m going to be leaving the city without one or both of my kidneys. I don’t know why I expect Renoirs to chew my body like a Pack of Wolves, but there you are. Diedre Thomas of 128 Keystone Ave, fell on hard times. She poured herself a glass of vodka, neat, and said, “you can have anything you want,” she paused briefly to wink at me, “for the right price.” I specifically enquired about the Switch, “Anything,” she replied. She pulled out what appeared to be a small glass bowl that looked like an incense holder, and a baggie of chalk dust, and… Oh my god, she was going to smoke cocaine. Anyway, as she pulled out the pulled out the baggie, I hastily took my leave. I then went to the airport and went to my next stop….

Nevada – Las Vegas

Can you believe parents still bring their children, like elementary school aged children to Las Vegas. And it’s not the cool Las Vegas, in New Mexico, it’s the one in Nevada; well, I guess, technically they bring their kids to Paradise, and not Las Vegas, but c’mon man, there isn’t that much difference. Anyway, head to the Excalibur hotels because Carla, the housekeeper said that on average 3 Switches get left by guests every day. I then felt really depressed while walking around the hotel, so I left to check out the Mirage, where I normally stay on these Mountain West trips. I also learned that if there’s one thing that freaks me out more than the throngs of people walking the Strip, it’s when there’s nobody around. Once the new stadium gets completed it will be vastly easier to get to the casino than at the current location.

San Diego State

I stayed with Dominic, at his house of Friars Road. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach with the lack of green chile, so it was so enjoyable to spend time with a fellow New Mexican (and my roommate junior year). He took me on a little tour: Balboa Park’s stadium (home of the former Harbor Bowl, and the first tie in UNM Football history), the USS Midway, and Ocean Beach. I had forgotten about the assignment until I looked down at my feet and found a working Switch. When it was still there after an hour, I borrowed a small boat, realised, I need a bigger boat and headed out to the Ocean. Having claimed rights, I then put it back, so you might also find it.

San José State

Look, there are a lot of people who depart from the San Jose Airport. The kids who travel on these flights are slightly scatter-brained because of the adrenaline of taking a plane ride (and passing through the checkpoint), and leave some of their electronics, and I found a shoe! A shoe! Who only puts one shoe on and then walks-off? It was an adult shoe, so it’s not like a child/toddleparent left it, no, someone made a conscious decision to leave their shoe… Maybe it was a protest? Anyway, just tell the guy that you left your Switch at the checkpoint, if he asks you what color it was say, it had yellow grips that slide off, but the screen was bounded by black.

Table View

School	Distance Driving (mi)	Straight Line Distance (mi)	Drive/Drone Difference	Standard Deviation (all schools)A
Fresno State	4.46	3.28	1.18	0.644
Hawai’i	1.420	0.696	0.784	1.001
Nevada (Reno)	2.410	1.69	0.720	1.067
Nevada – Las Vegas (SBS)b	18.426	8.93	11.258
Nevada – Las Vegas (NVS)c	2.125	0.590	1.535	0.391
San Diego State	9.861	8.08	1.78	0.252
San José State	6.575	4.60	1.975	0.164

A: Variance is calculated based upon DDD’s distance from the standard deviation of DDD… Why DDD? Because, DDD is King.
b: Sam Boyd Stadium
c: New Vegas Stadium (Allegiant Field)

Conclusion

Even if the stores are sold out of Switches, there are always places you can go to get them, some are definitely within walking distance of your house, maybe even right next door. If you do choose to do that, there are a few things to keep in mind: 1. Milk 2. Eggs, specifically from Natural Grocers, if they still have member pricing. 3. Chicken thighs
Wait, that was my grocery list for last week.

1. Basque food is amazing.
2. The addresses are real, any businesses mention are real; the people mentioned or alluded to (with exception to the person who has an office in Clovis, CA; and Dominic in SD) are fake.
3. No, I do not know who lives at the addresses, and unless you can look it up in the phone book, I recommend that you don’t either. Please don’t bother them.
4. No, I am not sick… I have a lingering cough from allergies to junipemesquite pollen.
5. I have not visited Colorado Springs/Fort Collins/Laramie/Reno/San José/Honolulu, yet.
6. Information for the other cities comes from my memory
7. I remember when Park MGM was the Monte Carlo
8. Is Secret Pizza still at the Cosmo? I don’t remember seeing it the last time I was there, but that might have been because I was on the wrong floor.
9. Toss a coin to your witcher.
10. Normal people stop listing things at 10, but
11. This list goes up to 11.

List acquired here.
a aa aaa aaron ab abandoned abc aberdeen abilities ability able aboriginal abortion about above abraham abroad abs absence absent absolute absolutely absorption abstract abstracts abu abuse ac academic academics academy acc accent accept acceptable acceptance accepted accepting accepts access accessed accessibility accessible accessing accessories accessory accident accidents accommodate accommodation accommodations accompanied accompanying accomplish accomplished accordance according accordingly account accountability accounting accounts accreditation accredited accuracy accurate accurately accused acdbentity ace acer achieve achieved achievement achievements achieving acid acids acknowledge acknowledged acm acne acoustic acquire acquired acquisition acquisitions acre acres acrobat across acrylic act acting action actions activated activation active actively activists activities activity actor actors actress acts actual actually acute ad ada adam adams adaptation adapted adapter adapters adaptive adaptor add added addiction adding addition additional additionally additions address addressed addresses addressing adds adelaide adequate adidas adipex adjacent adjust adjustable adjusted adjustment adjustments admin administered administration administrative administrator administrators admission admissions admit admitted adobe adolescent adopt adopted adoption adrian ads adsl adult adults advance advanced advancement advances advantage advantages adventure adventures adverse advert advertise advertisement advertisements advertiser advertisers advertising advice advise advised advisor advisors advisory advocacy advocate adware ae aerial aerospace af affair affairs affect affected affecting affects affiliate affiliated affiliates affiliation afford affordable afghanistan afraid africa african after afternoon afterwards ag again against age aged agencies agency agenda agent agents ages aggregate aggressive aging ago agree agreed agreement agreements agrees 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approximately apps apr april apt aqua aquarium aquatic ar arab arabia arabic arbitrary arbitration arbor arc arcade arch architect architects architectural architecture archive archived archives arctic are area areas arena arg argentina argue argued argument arguments arise arising arizona arkansas arlington arm armed armenia armor arms armstrong army arnold around arrange arranged arrangement arrangements array arrest arrested arrival arrivals arrive arrived arrives arrow art arthritis arthur article articles artificial artist artistic artists arts artwork aruba as asbestos ascii ash ashley asia asian aside asin ask asked asking asks asn asp aspect aspects ass assault assembled assembly assess assessed assessing assessment assessments asset assets assign assigned assignment assignments assist assistance assistant assisted assists associate associated associates association associations assume assumed assumes assuming assumption assumptions assurance assure assured asthma astrology 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In November 1988, Jessica Arrendondo, 21, was an operator at the U.S. West phone company. She had graduated from Abraham Lincoln High School a couple of years ago, where she played soccer, served on the student senate, and captained the school’s cheerleading squad. Perhaps it’s because it was the 1980s and Jessica loved dancing, but her pictures bring to mind the actress Jennifer Beals of Flashdance fame. At the time of her murder, Jessica was living at home with her parents and her beloved dog Frosty.
She also loved her new car, an eye-catching red 1988 Mustang convertible. According to her family, she had saved money for months and months, and the car was her pride and joy. She kept it in immaculate condition, and the car had a personalized license plate that read “88 PONY.”
Friday, November 25, 1988, was the day after Thanksgiving. Jessica and her boyfriend hopped in her car and headed towards Glendale, Colorado, a municipality in the southern part of metropolitan Denver. On the way, they had a minor disagreement. She dropped him off at Neil’s, a bar in Glendale, and drove away. It was the last time he would see her.
At 11:25 PM, Jessica’s Mustang was found abandoned with its blinkers on at E. 7th and Jackson Street, a few blocks from Neil’s. When police inspected the scene, they noticed there was damage to the exterior of the car as if a minor accident had occurred. Witnesses reported that Jessica had been kidnapped from the site by multiple men, and at least one article mentions that two cars were involved. Police suspected that someone had crashed into her car intentionally as a ruse to get her to pull over and then abducted her.
On Saturday afternoon, two passersby were playing in the snow along U.S. 36 in Larrimer County and found a nude body about 50 feet from the road. This area is north of Denver, close to Rocky Mountain National Park, and approximately a 1.5 hour drive from where Jessica’s car was abandoned. The autopsy later revealed Jessica had died from blunt force trauma to the head. Although one article in the Denver Post stated there were no signs of sexual assault, a later article in the Fort Collins Coloradoan clarified that investigators believe she was sexually assaulted, although there is no forensic evidence proving so. Some reports state that the trauma to Jessica’s body may have been from her jumping from a moving vehicle, but this is merely speculation. Jessica’s clothes were recovered scattered along the highway near where her body was found.
At the scene, law enforcement found tire tracks indicating someone had backed up a vehicle and dumped Jessica’s body down an embankment. The other notable clue was not one, but two sets of footprints in the snow near the body, consistent with witnesses’ assertions that there were multiple men at the scene of her abduction.
Despite composite sketches of two of the men seen at the accident scene, law enforcement never named any suspects. Jessica’s case soon went cold.
Another Murder, Five Years Later
On February 12, 1994, Rhonda Maloney, 25, finished her shift as a waitress at Harrah’s Casino in Central City and headed towards her home in Adams County. Robert Eliot Harlan, 29, pulled his car alongside hers and ran her off the road near the intersection of I-76 and I-25. Once she had stopped the car, Harlan threatened Maloney with a gun. He dragged her from the car and proceeded to rape her repeatedly.
Mother of three Jaquie Creazzo was on her way to pick up her father around 5:45 AM. The sun had not yet risen, but in the darkness she noticed the two cars haphazardly on the side of the ramp to northbound I-25, one with blinkers on. She slowed down and caught a glimpse of a blonde woman fleeing one of the cars; the terrified expression on her face made Creazzo come to a complete stop. Maloney ran to Creazzo’s car and jumped in, telling her she’d been run off the road and then raped for hours by a man with a gun.
Creazzo immediately headed toward the local police station. Harlan had not given up; he was in hot pursuit, and a dangerous chase ensued on the icy road. Harlan pulled alongside Creazzo’s Cadillac and fired several rounds into the driver’s side, hitting Creazzo in her face, knee, and spine. She tried to steer but she lost control, crossed the median, and came to a stop on the lawn of her destination, the Thornton Police station. Behind the wheel, Creazzo was still conscious but covered in blood, unable to move and spitting out teeth. Harlan appeared, telling Creazzo not to tell anyone about Maloney, saying he would find her and kill her if she did. She watched helplessly as Harlan pulled Maloney from the passenger’s seat and sped off.
Creazzo would later tell the Los Angeles Times, “Being paralyzed is a small price to pay to get this person, actually if you want to call him a person, off the street.”
Creazzo provided police with a description of the perpetrator and the car, helping to generate leads. In the meantime, Darryl Harlan, Robert’s brother, had seen reports about Maloney’s murder on the news and he made a horrific realization. Robert had shown up at Darryl’s house at 8 AM the morning of the murder, wearing bloody sweatpants. Darryl asked Robert if he had vomited on himself. That morning, Robert left his bloody clothes and an unloaded gun at his brother’s house. On February 15th, Darryl approached their father, a Denver police detective, and shared his suspicions. Detective Belt Harlan Jr. bagged the items his son Robert had left at his son Darryl’s house. According to Darryl, the two of them then broke down and cried at the realization of what Robert may have done. Detective Harlan then took the bagged items directly to Denver Police Chief David Michaud, and Robert Harlan was arrested that day.
Harlan was in custody, but Maloney was still missing and Harlan provided the cops with no new information. Maloney’s purse was recovered by the side of a road. A local Aurora man who saw a news report about the recovered purse and the ongoing search believed the cops were searching in the wrong place. A San Francisco Examiner article entitled, “Amateur sleuth locates body in record time,” describes how Loyal Burner mapped out the area and initiated his own search. Although police had been searching for a week, Burner found Rhonda Maloney’s nude body in 1 ½ hours near the town of Watkins, east of Denver.
Maloney’s autopsy revealed she had been severely beaten, with several fractures to her skull, and had injuries consistent with sexual assault. Cause of death was determined to be a gunshot to the head.
The Suspect
Given the similarities in M.O., law enforcement in Larimer County named Harlan a suspect in Jessica Arredondo’s abduction and murder.
At first glance, Robert Harlan may have seemed like an unlikely perpetrator. He had stable employment. He was the son of a Denver police detective and seemed to have solid family ties. Indeed, both his brother and his father testified in his defense during the sentencing phase of his trial.
But even a brief look into Harlan’s past revealed a history of harassment and violence against women. The Grand Junction Daily Sentinel reported that Harlan was on parole and in a sex offender program at the time of the murder. Although I could not determine what precipitated this sentence, a separate article mentioned he had been arrested for using a stun gun on his then-wife. The month before he killed Rhonda Maloney, a psychologist who had been treating Harlan for a year wrote letters to Harlan’s probation officer and a judge, recommending that he be supervised more closely because he was a danger to the community. Harlan had a parole revocation hearing scheduled two days after Maloney was killed.
A second rather damning fact was that Harlan was working as an operator at U.S. West, where Jessica Arredondo had worked. In fact, he had been in that position for eight years and had worked alongside Jessica. Harlan’s history at work soon grabbed headlines, as the Maloney trial galvanized 39 women who had worked at U.S. West to hire a lawyer and seek a $22 million settlement. They claimed Harlan made lewd comments, touched them inappropriately, and harassed them, creating a hostile and un unsafe work environment. At one point, he brought a gun to work. He stalked one of his co-workers, and she obtained a restraining order against him. The women claimed their fear of Harlan escalated after Arredondo’s disappearance, yet U.S. West never took action against Harlan.
The Only Suspect?
Larimer County Sheriff’s Department investigator John Toppenberg was quoted in the news during the Maloney trial. The judge excluded any evidence about the Arrendondo murder during the Maloney trial. Regarding Harlan, Toppenberg claimed “He is our only suspect. He is our prime suspect. It is our view that he killed Jessica Arrendondo.” To this day, no other suspects have been named.
If you recall, however, there were two sets of footprints where Jessica’s body was found. Another article also states that not one, but two cars were observed driving her off the road the night she went missing, and that police believed three men were involved; two composite sketches were released to the press. Harlan may be the only suspect they have identified, but it seems he is not the only suspect involved.
Harlan’s Fate
On June 20, 1995, Harlan was found guilty of Maloney’s kidnapping, rape, and murder, as well as the attempted murder of Jaquie Creazzo. In September, he was sentenced to death by lethal injection. At the time Harlan was sentenced, no one had been executed in Colorado since 1967, and only a couple of men were on death row. Gary Lee Davis was executed in 1997, however, and for crimes similar to Harlan’s: the kidnapping, rape, and murder of Virginia Ray. Given the governor had refused to grant Davis clemency, this likely raised Harlan’s fear that he too may be put to death. He appealed his convictions and the sentence, filing several briefs about voir dire, the suitability of various jurors, whether or not a change of venue was warranted, instructions given to jurors, and other typical appeals that were all denied.
In 2003, Harlan again appealed his death sentence. This time, the filing had teeth. Jurors had brought Bibles into the jury room while deliberating his sentence in 1995, considering passages such as the oft-quoted “eye for an eye” during the discussion. It is against state law for jurors to consider outside materials irrelevant to the case during deliberation. (Further, it seems wildly inappropriate and unconstitutional to weigh a particular religion’s belief in such a determination.) In a 3-2 decision, the Colorado Supreme Court ruled this was a violation of Harlan’s rights. Because this happened during the sentencing phase, not the guilt phase, his conviction was upheld but his sentence was overturned. The U.S. Supreme Court later refused to reinstate the death sentence for Harlan.
Other victims?
One article noted that there are over 35 unsolved homicides of young women in the Denver area in between 1975 and 1995, a period which would have included Harlan’s viable killing years. There are several young women who were murdered and found nude by roadsides preceding and following Arredondo’s death. Because both Arrendondo’s and Maloney’s deaths do not adhere to a clear pattern—the first seemingly a gang rape and murder, the second interrupted by Jacquie Creazzo’s heroic act—I think it is difficult to assign a complete MO to Harlan or to know how he would have behaved without the interference of others. I assume Harlan’s DNA is in CODIS, but it is unclear whether DNA from these various cold cases (or Jessica's, for that matter) has been processed.
Do you think Harlan was involved in the killing of Jessica Arredondo?
A very long shot, but do you know of any perpetrators in the Denver area at the time that could have been involved in Jessica's disappearance (either ties to Harlan or similar MO)?
Do you think Harlan is a serial killer? Are there other cases you think Harlan is a good match for?
If you have any information on abduction and murder of Jessica Arredondo, please contact the Larimer County Sheriff’s Office at Larimer County Sheriff's Department at 1 (970) 498-5100.
Sources
https://apps.colorado.gov/apps/coldcase/casedetail.html?id=1425
http://blogs.denverpost.com/coldcases/2010/07/25/killers-rammed-car-kidnapped-young-woman-and-tossed-body/1637/3/
https://www.pomc.com/mw_stories_1-19/jessica_arredondo.html
https://www.latimes.com/archives/la-xpm-1994-11-20-mn-64850-story.html
https://www.denverpost.com/2005/12/19/killer-harlan-gets-life-without-parole/
https://caselaw.findlaw.com/co-supreme-court/1026772.html
Newspaper sources (sorry, no links)
“Suspect has history of sex offenses,” Daily Sentinel. February 18, 1994
“Amateur sleuth locates body in record time,” San Francisco Examiner. February 21, 1994
“Kidnap-murder link strong,” Daily Sentinel. February 22, 1994
“Results of autopsy on slain waitress won’t be given until suspect’s hearing,” Daily Sentinel. February 23, 1994
“Harlan suspected in ’88 slaying,” Fort Collins Coloradoan. June 24, 1995.
“Murderer’s policeman father expected to be final witness,” Daily Sentinel. June 28, 1995
“Harlan sentenced to death in murder,” Fort Collins Coloradoan. July 2, 1995
“Killer’s former co-workers plan suit,” Daily Sentinel. July 6, 1995
EDIT: Changed spelling of Jaquie Creazzo's name. Although it also appears as "Jacquie" in several places, I switched to the spelling in the legal document.

I know this took a really long time, hope you guys like it.
If you work for Disney, this is a pitch.
​
Cast
Jack Dylan Grazer as Percy Jackson
Cassidy Nugent as Annabeth Chase
Nick Palatas as Grover Underwood
Liv Tyler as the Nereid
Sylvester Stallone as Gabe Ugliano
Barbra Walters as herself
Vin Diesel as Crusty
Idris Elba as Charon
Andy Serkis as Evil Voice
Hugo Weaving as Hades
Dwayne Johnson as Ares
​
Percy Jackson and the Olympians:
Season one episode five: “And I Thought Airport Security Was Ridiculous” or “Will the Real Lightning Thief Please Stand Up?” screenplay
INT – LAS VEGAS TAXI CAB – EARLY NOON
PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER get into the back of a taxi cab.
CABBY:
(Bored, uninterested, cigar in mouth)
Where to, kids?
ANNABETH:
(Calm, confident)
Los Angeles, please.
CABBY:
(Raises eyebrow, puffs on cigar)
Dat’s three hundred miles from here, miss. You’ll have to pay upfront.
ANNABETH:
Do you take casino debit cards?
CABBY:
Depends. I’ll have to give it a swipe.
ANNABETH hands the cab driver her LotusCash card, and he looks at it skeptically. He rolls his eyes and swipes it, and the meter begins rattling and the lights on it flash. When an infinity symbol appears on the meter, the cabby’s cigar drops out of his mouth in shock.
CABBY:
(Shocked, excited)
W-where in Los Angeles, your highness?
ANNABETH:
(Sits up a little, smiles)
Santa Monica pier, please. Get us there by evening, and you can keep the change.
The cabby slams down the gas pedal, and several cars honk at him as he flies down the street. As they head through the Mojave desert, PERCY tells ANNABETH and GROVER about the dream he had before they went to the Lotus Hotel and Casino.
PERCY:
… And then the voice in the pit saw me. He showed me my mother… and a black throne carved with faces screaming in agony. And then…
(Gulps)
… The undead soldiers put a red robe and a laurel of thorns on me… and then I became one of them.
GROVER:
Well that got dark fast.
PERCY:
There’s something else. The guy in the cloak, the Lightning Thief, called the voice something… The… “Something” One…
ANNABETH:
(Disappointed, blunt)
Well that’s incredibly unspecific. Was it the Rich One? The Silent One? Those are both nicknames for HADES.
PERCY:
(Unsure)
Maybe…
GROVER:
Well, the throne sounds like the way HADES’S throne is described. Black obsidian carved with faces of damnation.
PERCY:
Yeah but… the throne wasn’t the main part of the dream. And the voice in the pit… I dunno, it just doesn’t feel like the voice of a god. It seemed… older.
ANNABETH’S eye get wide with dread.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
What? What’s wrong?
ANNABETH:
(A bit uneasy)
N-nothing. I was just thinking… no. It has to be HADES. He probably sent the Lightning Thief to steal the MASTER BOLT, and something must’ve went wrong-
PERCY:
Like what?
ANNABETH:
I-
(Reluctant)
-I don’t know. But to steal something as important as the MASTER BOLT, and the fact that ZEUS has his best trackers on the job, a lot of stuff could go wrong. So, the thief could’ve hidden the bolt, or maybe even lost it. Anyway, the thief failed to deliver the BOLT to HADES, that’s what the voice in your dream said, right? The Lightning Thief failed. That explains what the Furies were looking for when they attacked us on the bus. They probably thought we had the BOLT.
PERCY notices a hint of anxiety in ANNABETH’S eyes, and sees that she seems to be shaking a bit.
PERCY:
(Suspicious, confused)
But… if HADES thinks I already have the BOLT, why would I be coming to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
To blackmail him into giving your mom back.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
You know, you have pretty dark thoughts for a goat.
GROVER:
(Blunt)
Thanks.
PERCY:
But… the voice said he was waiting for two items. If the MASTER BOLT’S one, what’s the other?
GROVER shrugs.
PERCY:
(Turns to ANNABETH, knowing look in his eyes)
You know what it is, don’t you? The voice in the pit?
ANNABETH:
(Hesitant, worried)
PERCY, I… let’s not talk about it. It’s probably HADES.
PERCY:
(Thinking)
I just… I just feel like there’s something we’re still missing.
ANNABETH:
(Uneasy)
Well, I guess we’ll find the answer in the UNDERWORLD.
PERCY forlornly looks out the window at the desert scenery whizzing past.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH - SUNSET
The kids head to the edge of the surf.
ANNABETH:
Well? What now?
PERCY stares out over the ocean, and gets a longing look in his eyes. He takes a deep breath, taking in the ocean air, and slowly steps into the water.
ANNABETH:
(Surprised, worried)
PERCY? What are you-
PERCY ignores her, and continues walking into the water.
GROVER:
Dude, do you have any idea how polluted that water is?
ANNABETH:
(Concerned)
PERCY, get out of there. You’ll grow a third-
Once PERCY gets chest deep into the water, he dives under, disappearing from ANNABETH and GROVER’S view.
EXT – UNDER THE PACIFIC OCEAN – SAME TIME
PERCY holds his breath at first, then remembers he can breathe underwater, and lets himself breathe normally.
PERCY:
That’s gonna take some getting used to.
He looks around the water, curious, then notices a mako shark right beside him.
PERCY
(Startled, jumps)
Ah!
PERCY calms down when he realizes the shark is not trying to harm him, and it nuzzles up against him like a dog. PERCY hesitantly touches the shark’s dorsal fin, and it bucks gently, inviting PERCY to hold on tighter. PERCY grabs onto the shark’s fin, and it takes off, blasting through the water like a rocket, pulling PERCY along.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
Whoa, boy!
The shark pulls PERCY deeper and deeper into the ocean.
PERCY:
(Slightly worried)
Where are you taking me?
The shark begins to slow down, and PERCY catches his breath when they come to a huge, gaping, pitch black canyon.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Quiet, gentle, far away)
PERSEUS…
PERCY is surprised to hear the voice of the river spirit he spoke to in St. Louis.
WOMAN’S VOICE: (O.S.)
(Gentle)
PERCY JACKSON…
PERCY makes out a light in the darkness of the canyon, and it slowly gets bigger until he sees beautiful woman with black hair, her body glowing gently with white light, wearing a flowing, greenish-white silk dress. She dismounts, smiles, and gives PERCY a small bow. Her giant seahorse and the mako shark begin playfully chasing each other.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Smiling, kind)
You have come far, my hero. Well done.
PERCY awkwardly bows, as she did.
WATER SPIRIT:
(Small laugh)
You are prince, PERCY JACKSON, you need not bow to me.
PERCY:
You’re the spirit I talked to in the Mississippi River, aren’t you?
WATER SPIRIT:
Yes, child. I am a Nereid, a spirit of the sea. It was not easy for me to travel so far up river, but my freshwater cousins, the naiads, were able to help me sustain myself. The naiads honor your father, though they do not serve in his court.
PERCY:
And… you do? Serve in his court, I mean?
NEREID:
Indeed. I must say, it has been many long years since a son of the sea god has been born. My sisters and I have watched over you with great interest.
PERCY:
(Confused, a bit resentful)
If my dad’s so interested in me, why doesn’t he come talk to me in person?
A cold current rises out of the canyon, and almost knocks PERCY off his feet.
NEREID:
(Sad, gentle)
Do not judge the Lord of the Sea too harshly. Your father is incredibly busy; he now stands on the brink of an unwanted war. And apart from that, your father is forbidden from helping you directly. Gods mustn’t show favoritism, you know.
PERCY:
(Surprised, a bit sad)
Even to their own children?
NEREID:
Especially to their own children. However, the gods can work through indirect influences, which is why your father has sent me to give you a warning; and a gift.
The Nereid holds out her hand, and shows PERCY three gleaming white pearls.
NEREID:
You journey to the realm of HADES. Few have returned from that place; Orpheus, who possessed great musical skill, Hercules, who possessed great strength, Houdini, who could escape even the depths of TARTARUS. Have you any of these talents?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Um… well… no.
NEREID:
(Kind smile)
But you possess something else, PERCY JACKSON. Gifts you have yet to know. The oracles have foretold great and terrible future for you, should you survive to manhood. Your father would not have you die before your time comes. Therefore, he wishes to give you these pearls. When you are in need, smash them at your feet.
PERCY:
(Tentatively takes the pearls)
… What do they do?
NEREID:
That depends on the manner of your need. But remember this; what belongs to the sea will always return to the sea.
PERCY:
(Stares at the pearls with wonder)
You said you also came to give me a warning. What is it?
NEREID:
(Leans forward)
Listen to your heart, or you shall fail. HADES feeds upon doubt and hopelessness. He will try to trick you into mistrusting yourself. Once you enter the Realm of the Dead, he will never willingly let you leave. You must keep strong, and have faith.
The Nereid mounts her giant seahorse, and slowly descends back into the dark canyon.
NEREID:
Good luck, PERCY JACKSON.
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Wait! Back in St. Louis, you told me not to trust “the gifts”. What gifts?
NEREID:
(Voice becoming distant)
Farewell, my young hero. Listen to your heart…
The Nereid disappears into the darkness, leaving PERCY alone with the mako shark. PERCY gives the pearls an empty look, then begins swimming back to the surface.
EXT – SANTA MONICA BEACH – A FEW MINUTES LATER
PERCY shows the pearls to his friends.
ANNABETH:
(Skeptical)
This can’t be good. No gift ever comes for free.
PERCY:
But… she just gave them to me. No strings attached.
ANNABETH:
You ever heard the saying, “No such thing as a free lunch”? It’s an Ancient Greek saying that works pretty well in English, especially in America. There will be a price, just wait and see.
PERCY puts the pearls in his pocket, a slightly worried/disappointed look on his face. Later, as night falls, the kids cautiously wander around L.A., police sirens blaring in the back ground. ANNABETH notices a cop car coming, and pulls the boys into an alley. Once the cop car passes, they cautiously leave the alley.
PERCY:
(Relieved)
Phew… that was a close-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he sees a his stepdad GABE, who is sitting with a pretty blonde woman, being interviewed by Barbra Walters on a TV in an appliance store.
GABE: (ON TV SCREEN)
(Feigning grief)
Honest, Ms. Walters, if it weren’t for Sugar here, my grief counselor, I… I don’t know what I’d do. My stepson took everything I care about… my wife… my car… I just…
GROVER:
For some reason I don’t think she’s a grief counselor.
GABE:
(Wipes away fake tear)
I’m sorry, I have a hard time talkin’ bout it.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Overly dramatic, turns to camera)
There you have it, America. A man torn apart. An adolescent boy with serious issues. Here’s the last known photo of the troubled young fugitive, taken in Denver, Colorado, about a week ago.
A grainy image of PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER talking to ARES outside the diner in Denver comes up on the screen next to Barbra Walters.
BARBRA WALTERS:
(Over dramatic)
Who are the other children in this photo? Who is the man with them? Is PERCY JACKSON simply a delinquent, a terrorist, or perhaps the brainwashed victim of a frightening new cult? When we come back, we’ll chat with leading child psychologist. Stay tuned, America.
PERCY’S face becomes twisted with fury, and GROVER gently grabs him by the shoulder.
GROVER:
Come on, dude. Let’s get going.
The kids begin wandering around L.A., and become nervous when they notice some shady people hanging around. They past by some people who look like gangbangers, bums, and various other suspicious looking people.
GRUFF MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Hey, kid!
PERCY, startled, stops, and a homeless looking man comes out of an alley.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Fidgeting)
Spare some change?
PERCY:
(Awkward, nervous)
Um… sorry, no.
Several other bums come out of the dark alley, and when the kids try to run, several bums come up from behind them, staring the kids down threateningly. The first bum pulls out a switch blade, and PERCY uncaps Riptide, shocking the bums. PERCY swings his blade at the bum leader, but it passes through him as if he were a hologram.
HOMELESS MAN:
(Shocked)
What the-!?
PERCY:
(Surprised, disappointed)
Oh right, I, uh… I forgot about that.
ANNABETH kicks one of the bums in the crotch, causing him to crumple to the ground in pain.
ANNABETH:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids start running down the sidewalk, the bums chasing after them, shouting at them to come back. The kids rush around a corner, and ANNABETH sees an open shop called “CRUSTY’S WATER BED PALACE”.
ANNABETH:
There!
The kids run into the shop, hide behind a display bed in the window, and the bums run past.
GROVER:
(Relieved)
Phew… I think we lost them.
MALE VOICE: (O.S.)
Lost who?
PERCY, ANNABETH AND GROVER, IN UNISON:
(Startled, jump)
Ah!
The kids turn around to see a tall, pale, bald man in a tacky leisure suit and silver chains around his neck, standing right behind them.
TALL BALD MAN:
(Grinning creepily, showing off yellow teeth)
How ya’ll doin? I’m Crusty.
PERCY:
(Holding back a laugh, quiet)
Yes, you are.
CRUSTY:
(Raises eyebrow)
Hm?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed, awkward)
I said, uh… sorry to barge… in.
CRUSTY:
Hidin’ from them lowlifes, huh? Yeah, they hang around here every night. I get a lotta people comin’ in here cuz of them. So…
(Gestures around shop)
… Can I interest you kids in a water bed?
PERCY:
(Uncomfortable)
Um… I mean, uh… I don’t really think I need-
CRUSTY gracefully sweeps up behind PERCY, grabs him by the shoulders, and pushes him deeper into the shop.
PERCY:
Uh, okay, this is weird…
CRUSTY proudly gestures to a vibrating bed with lava lamps and black satin sheets.
CRUSTY:
Million hand massage. Why don’t you lie down? Hell, take a nap, I don’t care.
PERCY:
(Anxious)
Um, no, I think we’ll be leave-
GROVER:
(Excited)
Dude, million hand massage?! No way!
GROVER jumps into the massage bed.
GROVER:
(Voice vibrating)
O-oh d-dude, th-this is s-so s-sweet!
CRUSTY:
(Disappointed, stroking chin)
Hmm, not quite…
PERCY:
(Uneasy)
Huh? Not quite what?
CRUSTY:
(Takes ANNABETH by the shoulder)
Do me a favor, honey, and try this one over here.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
I… but…
CRUSTY ushers ANNABETH over to a bed, and tries pushing her into it.
ANNABETH:
(Angry)
Hey! Get your hands off-
CRUSTY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes grow out from under the bed, and strap ANNABETH down to the mattress.
ANNABETH:
(Panicking, screaming)
Hey! LET ME GO!
GROVER tries to get out of his bed, but ropes tie him down as well.
GROVER:
(Alarmed)
I-it’s n-not s-sweet a-anymore, d-dudes!
PERCY:
(Steps back, shocked)
What the hell are you-
CRUSTY:
(Quickly places hand behind PERCY’S neck)
Whoa, take it easy, kid. I’ll get you your own bed in a sec.
PERCY:
(Assertive, serious)
Let my friends go.
CRUSTY:
(Calm, friendly)
Oh don’t worry, I will. Soon as I make ‘em fit.
PERCY:
(Confused, angry)
Fit? What do you-
CRUSTY:
Lemme explain. All the beds are exactly six feet. Your friends are too short, see, so I gotta stretch ‘em out a bit. Can’t stand imperfect measurements…
CRUSTY snaps his fingers again, and more ropes wrap around GROVER and ANNABETH’S feet and arms, and begin slowly stretching them. PERCY watches in horror as his friends scream in pain.
PERCY:
(Angry, shouting)
Let them go, now!
CRUSTY:
Don’t worry, they only need a few inches. Hell, they might even survive! Now, why don’t we get you set up with a bed you like, huh?
ANNABETH:
(Screaming in pain)
PERCY!!!
GROVER:
(Screaming in pain)
HELP!!!
PERCY:
(Suspicious)
Your name’s not really CRUSTY, is it?
CRUSTY:
Legally, it’s PROCRUSTES.
PERCY:
The Stretcher. The one who tried to kill Theseus with hospitality.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
That’s me. But who can pronounce Procrustes? ‘Crusty’ on the other hand, much easier to market.
PERCY:
(Eyes get wide, gets an idea)
Uh… yeah! I totally agree. Has a nice ring to it.
PROCRUSTES:
(Flattered)
You think so?
PERCY:
Oh, absolutely. And the craftsmanship on these beds is simply fabulous.
PROCRUSTES:
(Grinning)
I tell my customers that all the time. I mean, how many beds have you seen with lava lamps built into the headboards?
PERCY:
(Shrugging)
Not too many.
PROCRUSTES:
Exactly!
ANNABETH:
(Angry, confused, screaming in pain)
PERCY!!! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?
PERCY:
(Dismissive)
Don’t mind her. She couldn’t never understand the art of a well crafted bed.
PROCRUSTES:
(Sighing, disappointed)
None of my customers do. Never exactly six feet, so inconsiderate. And then they have the nerve to complain about the fittings!
PERCY:
So… what do you do if they’re taller than six feet?
PROCRUSTES:
Oh, easy fix. I just center the customer best I can, then grab my trusty friend here-
(Lets go of PERCY’S neck, reaches behind desk, pulls out huge, double sided bronze axe)
- And I lop off whatever hangs off either side!
PERCY:
(Surprised, nervous)
Oh… well, I mean, that’s just perfectly sensible.
PROCRUSTES:
(Excited)
Oh, you have no idea what it feels like to finally have an intelligent customer!
PERCY worriedly look over to his friends, ANNABETH gasping for air, struggling against the ropes, GROVER making strangled gurgling sounds.
PERCY:
So… CRUSTY, my man, this bed…
(Gestures to giant heart shaped bed with red satin sheets)
… Does it really have dynamic stabilizers to stop wave motion?
PROCRUSTES:
Sure does. Why don’t you give it a try?
PERCY:
(Stroking chin, pretending to be interested)
Yeah, maybe I will. But… would it work even for a big guy like you?
PROCRUSTES:
Absolutely.
PERCY:
Really? No waves at all?
PROCRUSTES:
None. Guaranteed.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be skeptical)
No way.
PROCRUSTES:
Way.
PERCY:
Prove it.
PROCRUSTES puts his axe down, lies in the bed, and pats the mattress.
PROCRUSTES:
See? No waves at all-
PERCY:
(Snaps fingers)
Ergo!
Ropes spring out of the sides of the bed, tying PROCRUSTES down to it, his head hanging off the top.
PROCRUSTES:
(Shocked, angry)
What the-?!
PERCY:
(Frowns, feigning disappointment)
Oooh, sorry, man. Looks like you don’t quite fit…
(Uncaps Riptide)
… Let me make a few adjustments.
PROCRUSTES:
(Anxious, gulps)
Whoa, uh, y-you drive a hard bargain, kid. Tell you what; let me go, and I, uh… I’ll give you thirty percent off any of the floor models!
PERCY:
(Sarcastic, pretending to consider offer)
Really? Any of the floor models?
PROCRUSTES:
Y-yep! A-and no money down. And no interest for six months.
PERCY:
Hm. That’s a pretty tempting offer. But I think I have a better one.
PROCRUSTES:
(Curious)
Really? What’s that?
PERCY:
(Raises Riptide, aiming for PROCRUSTES’S neck)
Go to TARTARUS.
PROCRUSTES:
(Frowns)
That’s not a-
PERCY swings Riptide down, and chops off PROCRUSTES’S head, turning the giant salesman to yellow dust and black smoke, then quickly cuts GROVER and ANNABETH’S ropes.
PERCY:
(Concerned)
You alright?
ANNABETH:
(Groaning)
Define “alright”.
PERCY:
(Smirks)
You look taller.
ANNABETH:
(Irritated)
Very funny. Could you maybe be faster saving us next time?
PERCY heads behind CRUSTY’S desk, and begins flipping through papers. He finds a pouch of drachmas, and puts them in his pocket, then finds a map.
PERCY:
So, who’s ready to go to the UNDERWORLD?
GROVER:
(Groaning)
Dude, give me a sec…
(Stretches, back makes sickening ‘pop’ sound)
Oooo, that was good. Okay, I’m ready.
PERCY:
Good.
(Holds up map he found on CRUSTY’S desk)
Because it’s right around the block.
EXT – VALENCIA BOULEVARD – A FEW MINUTES LATER
The kids stand outside of a record store with a sign made of black marble engraved with gold lettering that reads: DOA RECORDING STUDIOS, and stenciled words on the glass door that reads: NO SOLICITING, NO LOITERING, NO LIVING.
ANNABETH:
Well, this was not what I was expecting.
PERCY:
What were you expecting?
ANNABETH:
(Shrugging)
I dunno. Like, a hole by the Hollywood sign that opens when you read some Ancient Greek graffiti?
(Looks directly into the camera)
PERCY:
(Confused)
… Okay, whatever. Anyway, you guys remember the plan?
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Yep. The plan. Love the plan.
ANNABETH:
(Critical, curt)
And what if the plan goes wrong?
PERCY:
(Trying to be reassuring)
Oh come on, don’t be so negative, ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(Sarcastic)
Oh yes, PERCY. We’re about to enter the Land of the Dead, but I’m sure if we don’t think negative, we’ll be just fine.
PERCY takes the Nereid’s pearls out of his pocket, and stares at them glumly.
ANNABETH:
(Kind, places hand on PERCY’S shoulder)
I’m sorry, PERCY. You’re right. Well make it.
ANNABETH gives GROVER a nudge.
GROVER:
(Nervous, trying to be reassuring)
Y-yeah! I mean, we’ve made it this far, right? We’ll get the BOLT, save your mom, and save the world.
PERCY:
(Smiles, then gets serious)
Alright. Let’s kick some UNDERWORLD ass.
INT – DOA RECORDING STUDIOS – SAME TIME
The kids enter DOA, Muzak playing softly. The walls are steel gray, the furniture black leather. There are people hanging about the lobby, but at closer glance, they are slightly see through, as if they were made of smoke. The kids head to the main desk, which is raised up on a podium. The security guard behind the desk has a military style haircut, dyed bleach blonde, wearing tortoiseshell shades and a white silk Italian suit, with a black rose pinned to his lapel, and a silver name tag.
PERCY:
(Leans forwards, reads name tag, bewildered)
Your name is CHIRON?
SECURITY GUARD:
(Leans over, smiling, soothing voice)
What a precious lad you are. Tell me, do I look like a centaur?
PERCY:
(Slightly embarrassed)
N-no.
SECURITY GUARD:
Sir.
PERCY:
No, sir.
SECURITY GUARD:
(Gestures to name tag)
Take a closer look, now. It’s C-H-A-R-O-N. Now say it with me, CARE-ON.
PERCY:
(A bit irritated)
CHARON.
CHARON:
Ah-mazing. Now, Mr. CHARON.
PERCY:
(Rolls his eyes)
Mr. CHARON.
CHARON:
Well done. I do hate being confused with that old horse. Now, how may I help you little dead ones?
PERCY looks over at ANNABETH.
ANNABETH:
(A bit uncomfortable)
Well, we uh, wanna go to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON:
(Blunt, a bit surprised)
Oh. Well, that’s refreshing.
ANNABETH:
(Confused)
I, uh- it is?
CHARON:
Oh, absolutely. Just straightforward and honest, no screaming, no “Oh, please, Mr. CHARON, please give me another chance!”.
(Grins, clasps hands)
So, how did you loves die?
PERCY clears his throat.
GROVER:
(Nervous)
Oh! We uh, we drowned. In a bathtub.
CHARON:
(Raises eyebrow)
All three of you at once?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I-it was a really big bathtub.
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Naturally. I don’t suppose you have coins for passage, though. If you were adults, I could charge your American Express, or add the ferry fee to your last cable bill. But children…
(Sighs, sad)
… Alas, they never die prepared, it seems. I’m afraid you’ll have to take a seat for a few centuries.
PERCY:
Oh, we have coins.
(Places three drachmas on the desk)
CHARON:
(Licks lips, excited)
My my… real golden drachmas… I haven’t seen those in…
(Hand hovers over drachmas, becomes suspicious)
Here now, just a minute ago, you read my name tag wrong. Are you dyslexic, mate?
PERCY:
(A bit nervous)
No, I’m dead.
CHARON:
(Leans forward, stares the kids down)
You’re not dead.
(Sniffs the air, disdainful)
Two godlings and a satyr. I should have known.
PERCY:
(Awkward)
Okay, first of all, I didn’t want to be a half-blood, and second, we really need to get to the UNDERWORLD.
CHARON makes a strange, growling sound in his throat, and the spirits waiting around the lobby start moving around, restless, lighting cigarettes, fidgeting with their watches, etc.
CHARON:
Why don’t you leave now, and I’ll just forget I saw you.
CHARON starts to reach for the drachmas, but PERCY snatches them away.
PERCY:
(Serious, assertive)
No service, no tip.
CHARON growls again, the spirits start banging on the elevator door.
PERCY:
(Pretending to be disappointed)
It’s really a shame. We had more to offer.
PERCY holds up the pouch of drachmas he took from CRUSTY’S place, pulls out a fistful of the golden coins, and lets them run through his fingers.
CHARON:
(Slightly hungry look on face)
You think I can be bought, godling? Hmmm, just out of curiosity, how much you got there?
PERCY:
(Polite)
A lot. So… what’s your pay like, huh? HADES being good to you, or…?
CHARON:
(Annoyed)
Ugh, you don’t know the half of it. Babysitting these spirits for eternity, always with “Please don’t let me be dead”, “Please let me go in for free”, all day, everyday. I haven’t had a raise in almost three thousand years. I mean, look at me.
(Gestures to his suit)
… You think dressing this good is cheap?
PERCY:
(Nodding, slowly drops a few drachmas on the desk)
Clearly, you deserve better wages as, uh… compensation for the, um… mentally taxing environment you work in.
PERCY glances over at ANNABETH, who quickly nods approvingly.
CHARON:
You know, mate? I think you might be starting to talk some sense.
(Strokes chin, thinking)
Hm… boat’s almost full anyway… tell you what, lad. While you’re talking to the boss man, if you were to mention something about giving me a raise…
PERCY:
I guess I could drop a subtle hint or two.
CHARON:
(Smiles coldly, grabs drachmas)
Come along, then.
CHARON begins pushing through the spirits of the dead, the kids follow him. As CHARON pushes through the spirits, they whisper and wail incomprehensible gibberish.
CHARON:
Freeloaders.
CHARON opens the elevator doors, and they get in with several spirits already in the elevator.
CHARON:
(Turns to face the spirits still in the lobby)
No one get any ideas while I’m gone. And if anyone changes the station from easy-listening again, you’ll all be waiting here for another thousand years.
The elevator doors close, and CHARON slides a key card into the slot on the panel, and the elevator begins to descend.
ANNABETH:
(Uncomfortable)
So… what happens to the spirits in the lobby?
CHARON:
(Blunt)
Nothing.
ANNABETH:
Oh… for how long?
CHARON:
Forever. Or until I’m feeling generous.
ANNABETH:
(Curt, sarcastic)
Well that’s fair.
CHARON:
Nothing about death is fair, love. You’ll find that out for yourself soon enough where you’re heading.
PERCY:
(Confident)
We’ll get out alive.
CHARON:
(Dry)
Ha.
Suddenly, PERCY becomes a bit woozy, blinks a few times, and sees that CHARON’S Italian suit has been replaced by a gray tunic and a black cloak, and his tortoiseshell shades have disappeared, revealing his eyes to be empty black pits. PERCY notices the modern clothes of the spirits become tattered gray cloaks.
CHARON:
Well?
PERCY:
(Realizes he was staring at CHARON’S strange eyes)
N-nothing.
CHARON’S face slowly becomes transparent, showing off his grinning skull. The elevator suddenly starts swaying.
GROVER:
(Holds his hand up to his mouth as if about to vomit)
Oh, dude… I’m gonna be sick…
PERCY becomes a bit woozy again, and suddenly the elevator has become a wooden barge, gently drifting down an oily, black river littered with all sorts of things, from college diplomas, dolls, money, and jewelry.
ANNABETH:
The River Styx… it’s so…
CHARON:
Polluted. For thousands of years, the spirits of the dead have thrown in everything they can’t take with them; hopes, dreams, wishes that never came true. Irresponsible waste management, if you ask me.
Mist begins curling off the river, PERCY glances up to see huge stalactites, and then sees a strange, poison-green light glowing faintly in the distance. PERCY and ANNABETH begin nervously looking around at the spirits around them, and ANNABETH grabs PERCY’S hand. CHARON rows down the river a bit, and soon, they find themselves approaching the shores of the UNDERWORLD, craggy rocks and black volcanic sand, and about a hundred yards up the shore, a huge, stone wall that seems to go on forever in either direction. The kids become more uneasy when they here a deep, powerful howling sound somewhere in the distance.
CHARON:
(His face almost entirely transparent)
Ol’ three face is hungry. Too bad for you, godlings.
The boat slides up onto the black shores, and PERCY sadly watches the spirits shuffle out of the boat. PERCY, ANNABETH and GROVER hesitantly depart the boat.
CHARON:
So long, mates. I’d wish you luck, but there’s none down here.
CHARON begins rowing away.
CHARON:
Oh, and don’t forget to mention my raise.
CHARON eventually disappears from PERCY’S sight, and the kids forlornly trudge up the path with the spirits. As they get closer to the gate, PERCY sees that the gates of the UNDERWORLD seem to be modeled after airport security, with three different entrances with a sign over them that reads: YOU ARE NOW ENTERING EREBUS. Beyond the gates, there are some tollbooth-like structures manned by ghoulish black robed figures like CHARON. PERCY notices lots of spirits moving right along to a gate with a sign over it that reads: EZ DEATH.
PERCY:
(Points to quick moving line)
What do you make of that?
ANNABETH:
Probably goes to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL. It’s the place where spirits go if they’re too scared to face judgment in court.
PERCY:
(Surprised)
There’s a court for the dead?
ANNABETH:
Yep. There’s three judges, and HADES switches them around once in a while. King Minos, Thomas Jefferson, Shakespeare, people like that. The judges look at a person’s life, and if they were really good, they get to go to ELYSIUM. If they were really bad, the judges decide on a punishment. But for most people… well, most people never do anything really special in their lives, good or evil, so they go to the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL.
PERCY:
Oh… and… what exactly happens in ASPHODEL?
GROVER:
Imagine wandering around in a wheat field.
PERCY:
Well, that doesn't sound so-
GROVER:
Forever.
PERCY:
… Oh. I guess that would kinda suck.
GROVER:
(Eyes wide with fear, points to something)
Not as much as that.
PERCY and ANNABETH look where GROVER is pointing, and see two black robed ghouls grab one of the spirits in line, who begins sniffing him down. They ghouls growl angrily, and begin dragging the shrieking spirit away towards one of the gates.
PERCY:
(Worried, a bit scared)
Where are they taking him?
GROVER:
(Gulps)
FIELDS OF PUNISHMENT, probably. The Furies will set up whatever punishment the judges decide on.
As the kids slowly approach the gates, they hear the howling sound again, but still can’t see where it is coming from. As they get closer to the gates, a huge, a shadowy figure slowly becomes visible, and starts to form the dark, transparent shape of a massive three-headed dog, towering over them, growling.
PERCY:
(Petrified)
H-he’s a rottweiler?
ANNABETH:
(Slowly turns head towards PERCY)
Wow, PERCY. There is, standing in front of us, a three-headed dog twice the size of an elephant, with teeth the size of cinder blocks, and more than likely wants to make us his midnight snack, and the first thing you think to say is, “He’s a rottweiler”?
PERCY:
(Awkward)
I’m just trying to ease the tension.
The kids slowly approach CERBERUS, and notice the giant dog is becoming more visible.
PERCY:
(Curious)
I’m starting to see him better… why?
ANNABETH:
(Gulps, scared)
Well… it’s probably because we’re becoming closer to death.
CERBERUS stoops one of his heads, and begins sniffing.
PERCY:
(Grim)
He can smell the living.
GROVER:
(Trembling with fear)
Yeah. B-b-but it’s okay, cuz we g-g-gotta plan, right?
ANNABETH:
(Small, quiet, terrified)
Yeah. Th-th-the plan.
The kids inch closer the CERBERUS, and the three-headed dog barks so loud, the world seems to shake.
PERCY:
GROVER? Translation?
GROVER:
I, uh, don’t think humans have a four letter word that translates exactly.
PERCY reaches into his backpack, pulling out a broken bedpost.
PERCY:
(Nervous, trying to be calm)
H-hey boy, I bet they don’t play with you much down here, huh?
CERBERUS lets out a thunderous bark.
PERCY:
(Gulps)
G-good boy…
(Waves the stick around)
Y-you see the stick?
CERBERUS’S middle head follows the stick, the other two heads fixed directly on PERCY.
PERCY:
Fetch!
PERCY throws the bedpost, and CERBERUS watches it, unflinching. The stick disappears into the gloom, and splashes into the River Styx. CERBERUS turns his three heads back onto the kids, and growls menacingly.
GROVER:
Um, PERCY?
PERCY:
Yeah?
GROVER:
Just thought you should know, CERBERUS says we have ten seconds to pray to the god of our choice before we become Cerby snacks.
CERBERUS begins snarling, saliva dripping from his three jaws, and ANNABETH’S eyes get wide.
ANNABETH:
Wait! I have an idea.
(Start rifling through backpack)
CERBERUS gets into an attack position.
GROVER:
Um, so I’m thinking maybe we should run now?
ANNABETH:
(Frantically looking through backpack)
Hold on!
CERBERUS roars, and starts to lunge forward when ANNABETH whips a red rubber ball out of her backpack, and the giant dog stops mid lunge, curious.
ANNABETH:
See the ball, boy? You want the ball? Sit!
CERBERUS cocks his heads, confused.
ANNABETH:
(Assertive)
Sit!
To PERCY and GROVER’S surprise, CERBERUS sits, crushing several spirits, who pass through him, shouting angrily in some sort of gibberish.
ANNABETH:
(Pleased)
Good boy!
ANNABETH throws the ball, which CERBERUS catches in his middle mouth. The other two heads start snapping at the ball.
ANNABETH:
Drop it!
CERBERUS whimpers, and gently drops the ball at ANNABETH’S feet, almost bitten in half and covered in slobber.
ANNABETH:
(Picks up ball)
Good boy.
(Glances back at PERCY and GROVER)
Go. EZ DEATH line, it’s faster.
PERCY:
(Worried, hesitant)
But-
ANNABETH:
Go!
PERCY and GROVER reluctantly start inching forward, CERBERUS growls.
ANNABETH:
Stay! You want the ball? Then stay!
PERCY:
(Worried)
What about you?
ANNABETH:
(Slightly nervous)
I know what I’m doing, PERCY. Kinda.
PERCY and GROVER cautiously walk under the giant dog’s legs.
ANNABETH:
Good dog!
ANNABETH throws the ball to CERBERUS, and quickly walks under him while the three heads fight over the ball.
PERCY:
(Impressed)
How’d you do that?
ANNABETH:
(Catching breath)
Obedience school. When I was really little, my dad got a doberman, and-
GROVER:
(Urgent)
Dudes, less talking, more running.
The kids bolt for the EZ DEATH line, and ANNABETH stops when she hears CERBERUS whining behind her. She turns around to face him, and sees the giant dog panting, the ball torn to bits at his feet.
PERCY:
(Worried)
ANNABETH?
ANNABETH:
(Shaky voice, sad smile)
Good boy. I’ll bring you another ball soon. Would you like that?
CERBERUS whines, and lower his three heads.
ANNABETH:
(Petting CERBERUS’S head, holding back tears)
G-good boy. I’ll visit you, okay? I… I promise.
PERCY:
(Sad, hesitant)
ANNABETH… we have to go.
ANNABETH sadly walks away from CERBERUS, and passes through the EZ DEATH line with the boys. As they walk through the metal detector, alarms begin blaring, and CERBERUS starts barking.
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Unauthorized possessions! Magic items detected!
PERCY:
(Urgent)
Run!
The kids run through the gate into the FIELDS OF ASPHODEL, pushing through disgruntled spirits as black robed ghoulish security guards chase after them, shrieking and wailing. The kids scramble down the ridge of a road, and hide in the rotten trunk of a large, black tree. The ghouls run past the tree, still wailing and shrieking. The kids stay in the trunk for a bit to make sure the ghouls are gone.
GROVER:
Your plans suck, dude.
PERCY:
(Irritated)
Yeah, well, you’re a donkey.
(Takes quick look around the corner to make sure it’s safe)
Alright, they’re gone. We should-
PERCY stops mid-sentence when he notices ANNABETH sniffing and wiping tears from her eyes, and hears CERBERUS howling mournfully in the distance.
PERCY:
(Gently places hands on ANNABETH’S shoulders)
Come on. We have to get out of here.
ANNABETH nods, wiping the last of the tears from her eyes, and takes PERCY’S hand.
​
Part 2 will be out soon.