Overview: This is my second installment of my memories of cruising. I am doing this for my own sanity and to remind everyone of our positive times in the past and what the future might bring. During these troubling times with politics and a global pandemic, focusing on something we all consider to be positive is good therapy. Add in your comments of how or what you would do on your day-two when cruising. Lets have some fun with this and leave our negativity out. Try just to have fun in our thoughts.
Disclaimer: I am retired 63, a stroke victim yet healthy now, gone on 24 cruises, and spoiled to the core. My reference to the NCL Haven™ is not meant to show what I can afford or I am better than anyone else. It is just my personal favorite experiences. Truth be told, my best cruise was my first. That was 40 years ago, in the cheapest inside cabin on the SS Norway. It was my honeymoon and it was magical. My next cruise in the end of May 2021, will be my 41st wedding anniversary on the same cruise line, now called NCL with my Adult Children. A full circle over 40 + Years.
Day 2: Cruise Memories
06:45 AM: I just can’t sleep in today, just can’t. Shower and in-suite coffee on the balcony. All you can see and hear are lovely waves. This is what I have been waiting for all year.
07:30 AM: First Breakfast in the Haven Restaurant. We start with French Press Coffee, of course. Appetizer of smoked salmon from the side fresh buffet, those danishes are calling my name though. With a huge smile, I order my favorite Breakfast, Steak & Over Easy Eggs skip the potato’s. Whole wheat toast with grape jelly. At the end, I always get one single danish. I am trying to not gain my normal 10+ lbs. from this cruise. I am quite clear in my own mind, I will fail.
09:00 AM: Explore the ship. Even after 24 cruises, going deck to deck is so much fun for me. People are just getting up. Still easy to get an elevator and no real crowds in the main walkways. Important to me to find the cigar bar for later enjoyment and there it is next to the Mojito Bar. Also, where is the slot tournament to be held at 01:00 PM, priorities folks. Where is the gym and finally where all the hot tubs on board.
10:30 AM: Gym. 30-minutes on the treadmill. Attempt to allow a bit of those food calories to get used. I know by day three, the exercise will be doomed. All I can think about is going down those huge water slides and driving the electric go carts. My hope is the lines are not to long. On my way back to my suite, I hear that wonderful sound of metal drums by the main pool. The smile begins to become a part of my day, as it always does on past cruises. Entering my suite, my family asks where I have been. I tell them and they are disappointed I did not take them with me. What I see is none of them have even gotten out of bed yet.
12:00 PM: Lunch by the Haven Pool another favorite pastime. Time for the best cheese burger on any cruise ship. No bun, of course. Really, no bun. French Fries YES, bun no? My wife orders a bottle of wine and takes half of it goes back to the room. God love that upgrade to the Premium Plus Drink Package. My wife loves ordering a bottle vs. a glass. It is a vacation isn’t it. This was her plan and I support it. She loves wine in the suite for night time balcony viewing.
01:00 PM: Slot Tournament, my entire family is entered, it is a tradition. We learned to have a few drinks first, because it is so stressful. We always play and never win. This year, my wife whom never gambles makes it to round two. We are so proud of her and consider that a victory. Since I am in the casino anyway, where is that “Buffalo Gold” machine. I feel the cash leaving my wallet forever. Why do I watch those YouTube Slot Guru’s. They are not good for my pocketbook.
02:30 PM: A littler poorer yet still happy, I get ready for my first water slide experience. Every cruise I do the same thing. I find someone whom is a afraid to do the water slide, and talk them into doing it with me. My record for number of consecutive slides is 10. The issue are those darn stairs, I am no spring chicken anymore. All the kids think I am funny because I am as excited as they are to slide. My last victim was my wife who became a huge fan.
04:00 PM: Did I hear “BINGO” or was it “Deal or No Deal”. It is like a magnet for me. The crowds, the joy of watching someone WIN. I debate myself. Do I start drinking NOW or hold off until right before dinner. Hold off today, smart move. I go back to the suite through the casino watching a older woman (that is saying a lot, I am 63) get a jackpot on the machine that took all my money earlier. Happy for her though, kind of.
05:30 PM: There are some ship snacks waiting on the table in the suite, which is always different every day. Today it is those world famous chocolate covered strawberries. Time to clean up and dress for dinner and the show. My wife as usually, is looking at the sun burn she got sitting on the deck and saying, “I think I over did it a bit.” I notice she is in a very happy mood and the bottle of wine in the room is out. I ask her when she started drinking? She smiles and tells me, 12:00 PM, at lunch. Stupid question on my part. I am the light weight in my family on drinking. However, when I get serious, I am serious. Pre-Dinner drinks on the balcony, it is so lovely.
07:00 PM: Dinner tonight is a specialty restaurant. My habit is to go to the steak place the first night. Martini shaken not stirred, slightly dirty with two blue cheese stuffed olives. Shrimp cocktail, Fresh Bread with really good butter, Blue Cheese Wedge and a Rib Eye Medium Rare Plus. I am so full, I simply can’t eat all the fully loaded potato. Maybe a few bits. I have to sit for a while and have some Coffee with Baileys. I am feeling no pain and starting to relax a bit. New York Cheese cake is the finale. “There is cheating and then there is Cheese Cake!”
09:30 PM: I know I am tired because I would usually be in bed by now. The food, drink and excitement of the day is telling my body, pass on the show. I used to listen to myself, not anymore. I will get my second wind shortly and so will you. The show which on the first night is usually a production. We always sit in the last row on the end by the door. We have seen some fantastic and not so fantastic shows. We are not expecting much. Then the music starts and it is all Latin dancing. 90-minutes has never go so quick. This show was incredible. My wife for the first time was on her feet doing a standing ovation.
11:00 PM: This is when my wife and I start to argue. She wants to party some more, I want to chill in the room. Translation, go to sleep. I know her, the moment she hits the pillow, with the sun she got that day, add the food and drink, that is all she wrote. We get to the suite, on the desk are the passes for the excursion we are taking in the morning, I love that. Never gets old. I, just want to dream again about my next day’s breakfast of Steak and Eggs. Tomorrow I add a waffle I thing. We attempt to look at the agenda for the next day however never make it more then 10-minutes before the waves put us to sleep.
Perfect second day in my book.

SimCasino is in early access. I was curious if the devs have any kind of a road map for features they plan to add in to the game.
But in the meantime, here are some ideas I'd love to see implemented one way or another...
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• Poker Room. This should be a zone-able room. I could potentially make the same case for blackjack and other table games, for the sake of being able to set the same rules for a whole room full of similar games without setting the rules for the entire casino, but I think poker especially should have a room. A poker room would allow a poker desk where the poker room manager handles making/breaking tables. Instead of the player deciding how many tables are Hold'em or Omaha or whatever other game, the player can select what games are allowed at the poker desk and let the poker floor manager run the making & breaking of games (this is how it works in real life). Additionally, a poker room would allow the tables in a specific area to be connected to each other in order to allow for poker tournaments. Poker tournaments are generally less profitable for casinos than normal cash games, but they can help the poker room fill up empty tables at otherwise less busy times.
• Spas, shopping malls, restaurants, golfing, sports arena (boxing, mma, etc), convention center. Lots of casinos, especially in Las Vegas, aren't casinos so much full featured resorts that happen to also have a casino attached.
• Megaprizes. Think National Lampoons Vegas Vacation where Russ ("Papa Giorgio") keeps winning the cars. It'd be great to be able to pop in a car attached to a slot machine that serves as both a gambling interaction point for guests, but also decor and entertainment. It'd basically be a jackpot-only slot machine. It could be a car. It could be a giant oversized slot machine with a huge jackpot.
• Standalone restaurants. Unless I'm missing something, the only dining option currently is a buffet. It's probably the best option if you only have the one option, but one of my favorite parts about visiting Las Vegas is actually the food. All of the casinos are full of restaurants under the name of celebrity chefs. Looking at just Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas, there are 2 Gordon Ramsay restaurants, 1 Bobby Flay, 1 Guy Savoy, and a few others by less famous yet still celebrity chefs. And that's just Caesar's Palace alone.
• VIPs. Whether famous professional poker players or just general celebrities, it'd be neat to have the opportunity to attract them as a visitor which in turn could drive more normal guests to your casino. To a degree, this could even have your casino develop a reputation (think modern Rat Pack?).
• Events. Ocean's 11 style heists. Super Bowl weekend overflowing your SportsBook. Major poker tournaments (special higher limits versions of the poker tournaments mentioned above, think like WSOP, WPT, etc). Major conventions in town spiking demand for business guests. Downturn in economy just overall reducing demand across the board. These would all be events outside of the player's control. But there should also be promotional events the player's can run to encourage certain kinds of behaviors. This would include aforementioned poker tournaments.. but weirdly, casinos also have slot machine tournaments. Casinos also can do things like give away "free" chips when you check in to a hotel room or for signing up with the player's club (I say free because usually they're special chips that can't actually be cashed out, but can be used at the table games [other than poker] as if they were real).
• A more fully fledged tech tree. I'd kind of like to immediately build blackjack tables without any research. But also other table games would have to be researched. Also, additional rules for blackjack (that ultimately improve the profitability of the table) should be researched. Meanwhile, with slot machines, we should start with slot machines that aren't even in the game yet (the ones with the 3 spinners, 3 lines and you need to make a line or diagonal, with cherry, bar, etc.). These get researched into 5 spinners, 5 lines and then you can go to the computer poker machines (which are in the game) and more modern fully digital slot machines and stuff. With slot machines, after the ones with the physical spinners, the research would be more along the lines of unlocking the different themes for them.
• Roaming staff. I don't know, maybe I'm not there in the game yet... but generally in a casino, you have servers walking around trying to bring alcohol to patrons (and in the poker rooms and sports books, this can even include full food deliveries from the restaurants). In Las Vegas, this is free in every casino I've ever been in. Outside of Vegas, you typically still have to pay for the alcohol, but nonetheless someone is bringing it to you... because the casino wants you sat in front of that slot machine continuing to feed it.

Ok so I’m at a Casino/Hotel so when I say General Manager I mean for the ENTIRETY not just Hotels Manager, but gosh I love it when people say “I know __(GM Name) , I play golf with him, you should probably comp my room” or something stupid along those lines , because 1 I know him too sis..and he’s probably played golf with every damn person in this town you are not special lol and 2 he RARELY gives comps to people if at all so...idk... but I love when people think that knowing someone higher up( if they actually do most of the time people just lie about it) is gonna get them anything when 99% of the time it’s really not gonna do anything

posting on mobile, and it's a long one, TL;DR at bottom
Backstory: For the past 7 months I have been working as a Slot Technician at my local Casino & Resort, and I have definitely seen my fair share of things. "Make it hit and I'll give you a tip"-esque people, tweakers on nickel machines who smell of stale cheetos and piss, y'know, the whole nine yards. I am also an ADHD and Asperger's Syndrome person, so I have had some bad things called to me at this establishment.
So, about a month ago, a woman was stopped at the front door by a security guard because she was trying to bring in her, what seemed to be 12 or 13 year old, wheelchair-handicapped son into the casino floor (which here, like most places, is 21 years old or older to enter, no exceptions).
I was overhearing the conversation with security and a Uniform security agent at the main entrance.
(Key: EM - Entitled Mother, U - Uniform, SG - Security Guard) EM: "Why won't you let my son in? He's in a f---ing wheelchair" it's not like he'll be playing any of the games, he'll be right beside me. You could have a security guard be over me"
(Bear in mind, Security is wearing thin because they are short staffed that day)
U: "It's state law. We cannot allow him onto the gaming floor"
EM: "But he's beside me! He's not physically able to hit any keys! I'm on vacation from (Location) and I want to play the slots! I don't have anyone else to give him to!"
SG: "Sorry, Ma'am, no exceptions. We can escort you to the buffet and the entrance to the hotel, but that's it"
EM: "So, escort me to a slot machine and give my son to someone to watch over him!"
U: "There is nobody in the building that can do that."
EM: "Come on! They let me do this in Vegas when he was 10!"
U: "I'm sorry, you have to go."
She left, extremely pissed off, and I was behind a short wall, laughing my ass off.
But, this isn't where the story ends.
About an hour later, she comes back without her son and got let in to play one of our newest games that our department installed.
I'm not sure if it was common, but she got into her purse and taped a picture she just took of her son in the front entrance of our casino (I know it was today because of the clothes he was wearing and the fancy lighting in the doorway of the casino, and SG was confused as to why she was taking a picture of him after they got escorted out), and since there was a Staples near our casino, she might have got it printed out there.
So, as with most casinos I'm aware about, our cash out system prints out tickets you can use in other machines, but you have to put the ticket face-side up into the machine otherwise it will jam and they will have to call a Floor Attendant (if it didn't have credits already on it) or a Slot Tech to fix it.
Unfortunately, all of our floor attendants were all busy on jackpots with our supervisors, so Slot Techs had to take care of whatever comes to them.
As I was passing by the section she was in, I noticed EM jammed the bill acceptor purposely by repeatedly putting the ticket in upside down, until the machine read, "CALL ATTENDANT" on it. And, since I was right there, I helped her.
(ME - me, duh)
Me: "What seems to be the problem?"
EM: "The damn ticket wouldn't go in, I can't play this game"
Me: "Don't you worry ma'am, I'll fix this up for you and you can keep playing"
I then call the machine in to Surveillance so they don't get alarmed that I opened a machine
EM: "Well, since you have it opened and it is broken, maybe you can give me free play for my troubles?"
Me: "I apologize, ma'am, I'm just a Slot Technician, I don't have the power to do that. You could go to the Player's Club and talk to them if you'd like"
EM: "Well, RUDE. Since you know the machines and currently opened up mine, can you fix it to hit a big jackpot? I need the money for my son"
She then proceeds to point to the picture she taped on the machine.
Me: "Ma'am, I do not have the authority to make it hit, and I certainly do not think it is possible (as it was pseudo-random as I was aware of)"
EM: "But my son is wheelchair-ridden, and I need that money for medical expenses! Are you trying to stop me from doing that?"
Me, Closing up the machine after handing her ticket back: "Nope, machines ready for you! Let me put a little fairy dust on it for good luck!"
I then proceed to rub the machine with nonexistent fairy dust, in the hope of her getting lucky, as I do when I fix a machine up to give happiness to the patron
EM, pointing to my keys: "Well, why don't you make yourself actually useful and use your fairy wand to grant me my wish?"
Me: "As I have said, I have no power to do that."
EM: "What are you, retarded? I'm only asking you to rig the machine to pay out for my sick f---ing son, are you mentally handicapped, boy? IT'S NOT COMING OUT OF YOUR F---ING PAYCHECK!"
Let me tell you, I was bullied for being different all my life, and other than being called fat, I was also called retarded a lot, so it really hit too close to home.
Me, trying not to burst out crying: "Unfortunately, I do not have any authority to do such a thing."
I don't, in my state it is considered a felony.
She yelled at me, berating me calling me spastic (which I later found out that is a highly offensive term for a handicapped person in Great Britain) and how I was too stupid to be doing a job like this, among other offensive terms.
I called my supervisor about the ordeal, and while I was calling him, two of our city's policemen came to her and arrested her for child endangerment.
She had apparently left her kid outside in 30°F weather in the car, and a security guard on parking lot patrol noticed him and asked a few questions.
And, yes, her picture was sent to us from surveillance and now she's on a permaban list for our casino.
Oh, and because of her, I had a panic attack in the Slot Tech office because of her berating me so harshly. Luckily, they gave me an extra 15 minute break to hopefully reset, but I'm ok now.
Thank you for reading!
TL;DR: Mom tries bringing her disabled kid in, gets denied, comes back with kid left in her car, berates me to fix the machine to hit a jackpot, and gets arrested.
EDIT: Typo
UPDATE: Thank you for Reddit Gold, it was my first time receiving it, thank you ❤
I actually just found out at work what happened to the kid and mother. Turns out the mother was attempting to sue our casino for endangering her child because we didn't let her in with him, also discrimination. I'm not sure what the sentencing was, but, a few security supervisors said it was some jail time and CPS was called (thanks everyone for asking!) Needless to say the case got thrown out.

Online casinos and iGaming solutions post the best options as we enter the new norm of a social distancing-appropriate post-COVID-19 world…
Do you believe in life after coronavirus?
Whether you believe in it or not, the brick-and-mortar casino world is opening its doors amidst the global crisis.
And people showed up.
Can’t blame them. They miss Vegas, Macau, and all the life outside. They miss life before COVID-19 has taken the world by storm
There are numerous safety precautions in the opened casinos. Only one every other slot machine is open, table games have a maximum of three players per table, there are hourly and nightly cleanings of practically every dice, chip, chair, nook, and cranny, everything gets spaced away, all dealers, staff, and guests are wearing masks. Thermal cameras are installed at each entry point, and everyone has to say goodbye to self-service buffets, and have snacks and beverages served by staff upon request instead.
Even the non-casino life entails us all to practice the same sort of precautions against COVID-19.
There’s hope, or an inevitable possibility, that the world will go back to the way it was before, but we can all be sure that it’s not gonna be anytime soon.
So, as folks with gambling blood boiling within our veins, and at the same time, as people who wanna survive, how do we accommodate both our gambling life and our health at the same time, playing while surviving?
Do we brave the brick-and-mortar casinos every time?
No.
Because we got iGaming.
In this season, since the biggest part of everybody’s lives are still practically homebound, and going out and doing all the additional steps feels like a pain sometimes, we can all skip them if we tweak our roles just a little bit: from gambler to online gambler.
No masks, no ride hassles, no extra steps. If the casino’s located in the other city or province, you have to queue for testing at the checkpoint. Every. Single. Time. And for what, the less-exciting playing experience in your casino where you can’t appreciate a single pretty face because they’re all wearing masks? Where your fellow gamblers can’t even see and cheer for your winning streak? And then you come home, tired, but you cannot plop down on the couch because you have to take a bath right away. If the adjustments above already spoil your usual enjoyable casino experience, what more with additional precautions like these?
Online gambling stays the same whether it’s COVID-19 season or not. None of the mask stuff, the bad view stuff, and the COVID-19 stuff. Plus, you can interact with other players!
Depending on which online casino you’re playing.
Play any game at any time. Besides the health and safety precautions, you also have to adjust to the games that are available in your land-based casino. But in online casinos, there are many more games. And you can just jump from one online casino to another if you want to play somewhere else since casino-hopping can hardly be a thing this season.
Hassle-free transactions and instant payouts. Deposits are instant, withdrawals are instant. No more little arguments on the currency or on the changes. Any currency is okay, and if you use Cryptocurrency, you’ll even see how transparent it can be.
Online freebies and bonuses. Just simply signing up grants you to freebies you can readily avail depending on your first deposit. They will reflect instantly on your online account so you can monitor your betting status at any time.
These days, it’s much less exciting to hop in for a ride to the nearest casino and have at most about three people happily witness your most exciting jackpot moment.
But luckily, there’s life after coronavirus.
And it’s just in your nearest devices.
No more anxiety whether you’ll live on to tomorrow just because you went outside.
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https://preview.redd.it/0onfkvetg4551.png?width=800&format=png&auto=webp&s=983760d3260c0e1d8f0a5fd46dce38c83e7296c3

I'm not 21 but 20 and was eating at a casino buffet and my mom at a 1 dollar slot machine put 20 in and had 2 left I said bet the rest let's see.
Jackpot!!! $1600 on a 1 dollar machine
So since I told her to bet both and she won she gave me $500 (almost half after taxes)
Thinking about oxy

I just returned home from a 7 day on the NCL Epic. Here is my experience and advice. Feel free to ask any questions.
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Day 0 - Travel to Orlando
We flew in late Friday night and booked a hotel close to port for easy transfer in the AM. We took an Uber from the airport to the Country Inn right by the port. The uber ride was around $35 and we tipped a little extra for it being so far so late at night. (approx 1am). The hotel itself was nice, but the beds are terrible. I mean..TERRIBLE.
Day 1 - Embarkation Day
We took the 10:30 am transfer from the hotel to the port. They tell you not to arrive more than an hour before boarding, but it was the only time they had available. We arrived at the port a little before 11 and walked right into the terminal with no delays. Check in was super easy and we were given boarding group 10. They started boarding a little early and we were on the ship by a little after noon.
We were unable to reserve any meal reservation before hand, so our first goal was to get those placed. They directed everyone to headliners comedy club where they had multiple computers set up to do the reservations. We were able to get the days and times we wanted with no issues, including one that very evening.
Since we smoke, our next item was to find the smoking areas. For those interested, there are 3 of them on the Epic. Deck 16 aft at Spice H20 was the one we used the most. There was also one on deck 15 mid near the pools and bar. This one is smaller and was always crammed with people. The last option is the Casino, but you can only smoke there when playing, and the casino doesn't open until you hit international waters.
We were comfortably buzzed by the time we had our Muster Drill. 3pm in your designated location. It lasted roughly 1/2 hour. We were scheduled to leave at 4pm and the sail away party started right at 4. The boat however did not move. During the sail away party there was a Code Alpha announcement which we later found out was a medical emergency.
Around 5pm the captain came on and said we would be delayed due to the emergency. We later found out that a man had died of a heart attack and they delayed so that the family could take him off the ship while we were still in port.
We finally set sail around 9pm. We were worried that we would miss our first stop in the Bahamas, but the captain assured us that we would make it on time.
We spent the next couple hours checking things out and playing a little in the casino.
Day 2 - Bahamas
We were woken up in the AM by Mandy "your Cruise Director" letting us know that we were in the Bahamas and would be starting the tender process. Our excursion wasn't until the afternoon, so we were in no hurry to get off the ship. We went to the buffet for breakfast, and hung out on board a little. Around 10 we headed to deck 6 to get in line for tendering as we didn't have a group number we needed to be in. Let me tell you, that line was ridiculous. It stretched all the way from Aft to bow. We got lucky, and they opened up another tender in the front of the ship, so we only waited about 5 minutes to get on the tender.
The water there is beautiful, and since the island is owned by NCL, all drinks were free (we had the UBP). We spent the rest of the morning chilling on the beach and wading in the water. At 1:30 we headed to the info desk to start our excursion. A short 5 minute walk to the other side of the island and we were on a boat headed to another small island. It was only about a 5 minute boat ride to get there. When we arrived, we saw them in all their glory. Pigs! big beautiful pigs!
This is one of those excursions that you never have to do again, but it was super fun and an experience to say the least. You are provided with skewers with apples on the end and the pigs will swim right up to you and eat them. We spend a couple hours doing that, petting them, feeding them, and even holding them. Like I said, not something I ever need to do again, but a fun experience non the less.
After this, we headed back to the island and then back to the ship. Overall a very fun day.
Day 3 - Sea Day
This day was spent entirely in the casino. I was lucky enough to hit a decent jackpot early in the AM, so we had the money to play all day. Had this not happened, I have no idea what we would have done.
Day 4 - Ochos Rios, Jamaica
We decided not to do an excursion here, and just wander around. If you don't like to be hassled, do an excursion. If you can handle saying no 1000 times, feel free to wander around. We went to a few shops and had some drinks at Margaritaville. Then, since we were on vacation, decided to take a drive with a local guy and see some of the sights. He took us around to see the falls and to a great overlook where we could see the whole city below. He also had some decent weed, so that was nice. By about 1 o'clock we headed back to the ship for some food and a nap. Woke up around 5, had some dinner, and then back to bed for the night.
Day 5 - Grand Cayman
This was another tender port, but since we had an excursion, we had to be in the theater at 8:30 am. We were delayed a little as we had another Code Alpha the night before and they needed to do a medical evacuation. Tender process was pretty quick and we were on the island by 9:15/9:30. There are tents set up right at the dock to meet your tour. We walked a couple blocks and got on a boat with about 50 other people to do the Reef and Wreck Snorkel Adventure. Unfortunately the water was very choppy and the sun wasn't out so we didn't get to see the blue water that is in all the pictures. Once in the water though, you can see to the bottom really well and it was still a beautiful sight. The water there is very very salty, which was nice for buoyancy, but not fun to get in your mouth. This only lasted a couple hours, and we still had plenty of time to wander around town. We picked up some more souvenirs and then made our way to Burger King for some real food. PSA- it doesn't taste the same, but was still awesome.
After getting back on the boat, we decided we would take in a show. We ordered tickets from our room TV and chilled for a couple hours before the show. We saw Priscilla Queen of the Desert. Overall it was a pretty good show. If you are easily offended, skip it.
Day 6 - Cozumel
Another non excursion day. We walked around and did some shopping, nothing too exciting. The people were much less pushy that Jamaica, so that was nice. If you are planning on buying things here, don't get them at the shops right inside the port. Walk through the mall a little. The further you get from the boat, the cheaper they are. Also, feel free to haggle.
Day 7 - Sea Day
Another day in the casino. Didn't do as well, but still had enough to last all day. Overall an ok time.
Day 8 - Disembarkation
We booked a transfer to the airport through NCL. Our disembark time was approx 9:30 and they called us a little after 9. Getting off was super easy, and the new face recognition thing they use is really smooth. Luggage pickup was a clusterf*ck, but still only took us 10 minutes or so to get our luggage. Then everything stopped. The line to get on the buses to the airport was ridiculous. We waited almost an hour to get on board. The ride is about 45 minutes to the airport. We were luck enough to get on the bus with a driver who had never been to the airport before. How do they let this happen? It was a mess. We needed terminal A, but by the time she figured everything out we were in Terminal B and decided we would just walk over to A just to get off the bus. Personally, we will never use NCL's transfer again. I'd rather pay a little more for a taxi or Uber.
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Quick note on Dining - We ate at the Main dining once, specialty 3 time, and the rest was the buffet or O'sheehans. The main dining was actually very good. The buffet was fine, it was a buffet. Cagney's was amazing. La Cucina was my least favorite, should have just done Cagney's 3 times.
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The big question - Is the UBP worth it? Honestly, yes, but not because I'ma huge drinker. We probably didn't get enough drinks to cover the cost. The advantage is not having to worry about anything. No matter what you want, you just give them a card and its no cost. The convenience was worth more than the actual price of the drinks. Plus you don't have to check your account every day to make sure you aren't spending too much.
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Sorry this is long, but I wanted to give everyone a thorough review of my first cruise. Feel free to ask any questions and I'll be happy to answer.
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TL;DR - Went on a cruise, had fun. Prefer All-Inclusive Resorts though.

Logan age 26
Struggling musician, lives in Vegas. Takes odd jobs like magician's assistant and Ubering people around.
Cooks top ramen with a sprinkle of cheese and an egg because it makes him feel fancy.
Owns a YouTube channel although not a successful one. He's talented he just doesn't have the marketing savvy.
Into conspiracy theory videos. Stays up late sometimes watching 10-15 videos in a row going from simple UFO / Bob Lazar stuff, to debating whether the earth is flat using 6th grade Trigonometry. He knows it's not flat, but sometimes he looks up and can't help but wonder.
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He's that shady guy at coffee houses. Wears a scarf to places that you don't expect people to wear scarfs. Always has stubble but never a full beard. Which is odd because you rarely see him shaving, you'd think his stubble was permanently tattooed on his face.
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Hosts various open mic nights around the city every other week.
People mistake him for Russell Brand until they hear him speak.
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"Russell! Russell!" you'd hear them running up on the strip trying to take a selfie, sometimes he just goes with it.
​
One night our would-be British celebrity picks up a couple in his Uber. They're young in their mid 20s.
​
The woman has wavy brown hair, in a navy blue mini skirt with dark red heels and a white blouse. As soon as they get in the car she starts crying begging the man who appears to be her husband to stay.
​
She appears to be a little tipsy and has a pizza stain on her right shoulder. Logan can see from the mirror, aside from being a messy eater, she's also very worried for her husband's well being.
​
"Honey I can't let you go all that way alone. Don't they have housing for spouses on the base?" She begs.
​
"No.. normally yes but... Baby we can talk about this when we get home. Please.." The man looks as though he fears she might say something that might get them both killed.
​
"How dare you leave me all alone while you go to fucking ANTARCTICA!!!! What the fuck is so great about Antarctica anyway? Do they have hot Antarctican strippers on the base? I bet that's what it is. You're cheating on me with a whale!!!!!"
​
She laughs with tears in her eyes.
​
"Baby I told you.. \Looking at Logan glaring at him in the rear-view\** It's.... it's classified".
​
"CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED THAT'S ALL YOU EVER SAY! I'M YOUR WIFE!!!!!!! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO TELL ME THINGS ANYWAY!!!
Like that time you told me about the space craft they found in New Mexico. And the portal in Africa. And the pasta colander Gina found in Switzerland"- hiccuuppp
​
"....The particle collider in Geneva, Switzerland*... Dear you're so drunk... Please.."
​
"YEAH THAT THING!!!! IF YOU TOLD ME ABOUT THAT WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON IN ANTARCTICA!?"
​
".... I'm so sorry sir she had a little too much to drink tonight. You can just let us out over here. Thank you. Here's a tip. For the disturbance."
​
He hands Logan $100 bill. As if to keep quiet about what he had just heard.
​
"Hey" said Logan to the man who had just handed him a crisp hundo.
​
Being a conspiracy nut himself and having done tons of research on Antarctica, Logan needed to know more but he couldn't let on that he wanted to know more.
​
"Are you guys hiring? For... for that trip I mean... Uber... doesn't pay very well at all. And well... I could reaaally get out of this damned heat, a change of pace in Antarctica sounds exciting."
​
Faking desperation, thinking it would help his case. People sometimes take pity on you if you plead nicely, Logan has learned.
​
"I'm not supposed to say... and normally I wouldn't. But.. you've got that same look in your eye that I once had. So... I definitely did not tell you that we're leaving from Los Angeles in 2 days. And if you were somehow to show up at this address with a suitcase and a sad story, you might get hired as a cook on board our ship. The captain has a soft spot for sad stories. But I didn't say that. Have a good night."
​
Logan thought for a minute.
​
"A cook... hmm... I don't know how to cook...But I gotta get on that boat somehow...
I don't have a lot of money either.. Ahhhh who am I kidding. Me? Antarctica? Pshhhhhhh"
​
With a swipe of his finger on his smart phone that fit snug into the cup holder of his silver and black SUV, he logged off the UBER app and headed to the Circus Circus with a crisp hundred dollar bill.
​
He hands his keys to the parking attendant who gives him a claim ticket.
​
"You can come to me later for free parking validation sir!!"
​
"Thanks......Hmm.. I like what they did with the remodel" Logan says under his breath as he passes a gaudy slot machine decorated with polar bears, ice bergs and a huge fan set up to blow cold air on your face every time you pull the lever.
​
"Worth it just to get out of the heat, I'd say.."
Something pulled him towards that specific slot machine. Maybe it was the remnant of a frantic woman drunkenly babbling on about government conspiracies or maybe it was... fate.
​
With a fold, a tug and a whirling grinding of the tiny conveyor belt, Logan had a feeling he would never see that hundred dollar bill again.
​
Part of a 50s doo-wap song begins to play on the machine before a loud obnoxious voice takes over.
​
"ARE YOU READY TO PLAY BYEEEEEEE POLARRRRRR!!!!!! LETS GET READY TO CRUMBLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!.... THESE ICE BERGS!!!!!!! Choose your bet and pull the lever! Try max bet for a chance to win 20 free spins and an entry into our million dollar jackpot at the end of the night!!!!!"
​
"Yeah right... I just want the free buffet. It's reasonable? Come on. Give me a buffet"
As Logan presses max bet, pulls the lever and the warm musty air blows on his face from the fan that obviously needs a can of freon, Logan can't help but wonder if he should have just got a buffet with the hundred dollar bill.
​
"Well too late now"
​
The machine starts whirling and spinning, a video of a big ice wall pops up as a bunch of birds in military uniforms attempt to jump over it as each number counts down.
​
Sorry you lose. Admiral Bird is sad. Try again?
​
Logan goes to spin again but it won't budge. He glances over at the sign that reads "Max Bet $100"
​
"Wow I spent $100 on one spin???? Are you serious??? What a rip off..."
​
As Logan stands up from the chair that looked more like a throne and had 10 ice swords sticking out of it with a vortex in the middle, he hears another whirling printing noise coming from the machine.
​
"Keep this ticket for the million dollar drawing at the end of the night! Your number is 74819!! If 74819 gets called, show this ticket to the concierge to collect your prize. Not valid if you leave the casino before the drawing. Not valid if you go to the bathroom before the drawing. Not valid if folded. Not valid if you validate your parking. Void where prohibited"
​
"Geeez what a load of crap.. Not valid not valid, you'd think they would just print "GFYS" and be done with it".
​
$100 was all Logan was willing to spend at the casino. He knows the slots are rigged, but he also knows they're on a certain percentage payout, meaning if enough money goes in, some money has to come out. $100 is his limit. It's a rule. With a rule like that you'd think he knows what he's doing, except the most he's ever won was $900 on a malfunctioning roulette machine in Atlantic City.
​
Logan heads for the door to go validate his parking when he hears on the loud speaker:
​
"Greeeeetings Circus Circus fam!!! We're about to announce the winner of our million dollar jackpot drawing. BEtter not VaLidAte your parking just yet!! We'll be calling out one number every 5 minutes until the final number is drawn!!!!"
​
Logan looks at the parking attendant and snatches his ticket back before he had a chance to stamp it.
​
"Awe mannnnn they pay me for every stamp" The attendant with red hair and braces cried.
​
"Shut up kid, I'm trying to hear this"
​
"ANd nOw the MOMENT YOU'VE ALL been waiting for.... the million dollar drawing!! FIRST NUMBER IN 30 SECONDS!!!!!"
​
The parking attendant tries to stamp Logan's ticket without him noticing. Logan stares at him with a Bruce Lee stare that said "I'll kill you with subtitles".
​
"If your number has a 3 in itttttttttt!!!!!!!!" - Logan exhales and reaches to give the parking attendant the ticket he's been drooling over like Gollum at a wedding rehearsal.
​
"Then you're out of luck because the first number is 7!!!!!!!!"
​
"NOT TODAY GOLLUM!!!!!!!" - Logan snatches the ticket back and starts to run as the attendant hisses.
​
The attendant chases Logan around the casino with his freshly inked stamp while each number brings him closer to the prize. Logan careful not to fold it or enter any bathrooms before the final number gets called.
​
Finally Logan seemed to lose the red haired parking attendant and found refuge sitting near an old lady in fishnet stockings playing a fortune teller slot.
​
Trying to keep his cool knowing he's only 1 number away from a million dollar jackpot (minus taxes of course), he tries to make small talk with the aunt-like fishnet wearer.
​
"So.. do you have one of those tickets too?"
​
A little giggle comes out as the woman pulls the lever to the slot in front of her.
​
"No..... I don't. But I do have.... a PARKING VALIDATION STAMP!!!!!!!"
​
What Logan thought to be a nice old woman woman turns her head to reveal a toothy grin from the red haired parking attendant.
​
"Holy shit what are they paying you guys???? I'm not even mad.. That's impressive.. No really, like how you did your eye shadow? It's a lovely color on you. It looks like Egyptian markings!"
​
The parking attendant blushes.
"Oh you really think -"
​
*AND NOW THE FINAL NUMBER!!!! 9!!!!!! If your ticket says 74819 then head to the cashier right away to collect your prize!!!!!"
​
Logan takes off running towards the cashier. The attendant doesn't chase after him, instead just sits there feeling sad because he actually thought Logan was complimenting his eye shadow.
​
"I would have let him off the hook ya know. I've validated parking for so long, no one ever... validated my markings....."
​
Some time later, Logan sitting in the back room of the Circus Circus cashier cage with a team of people making sure that he didn't get his parking validated or took a bathroom break, trying to find any loop hole to deny him a payout.
​
A short chubby bald man holding a cigar, dressed in a short black suit snarled at Logan while a team of data scientists prepare Matplotlib graphs from camera footage in Jupyter Notebooks on a server a few feet away. The short man looked like Dr Eggman played by Danny Devito joining the Men in Black.
​
"Okay Fine you got us, kid. Here take your damned cash. You earned it fair and square."
​
Leading Logan into the "back-back" room filled with the sound of cash rolling through the electrical money counters and yellow paper bands with a tiny bit of glue being wrapped around and tightened against stacks of green currency with old men's pictures printed in the center to denote dollar amount.
​
"1 million dollars. Minus taxes and parking attendant therapy fee that's 6 hundred thousand, 3 hundred and 68 dollars annnnd 46 cents." The short balding Eggman said.
​
"Parking attendant therapy fee? Seriously?"
​
"Look kid, we can give you 6 hundred grand and change or free parking validation. Which will it be???"
​
Sensing that this isn't your average casino, and that this isn't an average situation, realizing the reality that he was just hours ago driving for $10 dollars a ride, now having over half a million after tax dollars in his face, he said what any human in his position would say.
​
"I'll take the cash...."
​
2 days, 40 grand and 5 high class call girls later..
​
Logan arrives to the address scribbled on the back of an Ale house business card. Turns out it was an abandoned building. The guy was just messing with him.
​
"I drove 4 hours for nothing.. Maybe she was just wasted. Antarctica sounded so cool though. The mystery. I need to know what they're hiding... Man how am I gonna get to Antarctica?"
​
Driving down the industrial complex, Logan spots a travel agency. "Maybe they have a cruise?"
​
The door opens with a BEEEEEEP and a jingle of door chimes with the atmosphere of a knock off 7/11 on a back alley road. It even had those little red and green door beads that lead to the back room where you just know there's a round table and an elderly group of ethnic gentlemen in tank tops smoking cigarettes and complaining about the "races".
​
"Can I help you?" A tall dark gentleman in a red and yellow Hawaiian shirt with curly black hair said in a rough southern British accent. Which was weird because he seemed.. not British.
​
"Uh...... yes do you guys have anything for Antarctica?"
​
"Ohhh quite booked up eeem'afraid. Yup till September."
​
"Well that's only next week..."
​
"Of 2022 eem'afrraiid, yup it's quite a while yup."
​
"Why... are you talking like that?"
​
"Look we're booked up bruv. If you wanna have a go at one of our Hawaiian cruises I can put you on the next boat to Waikiki which leaves in an hour."
​
"Dude come on, how can I get to Antarctica? I got money..."
​
"How much money?"
​
"I'll spend 100k on it if I have to. I want to go to Antarctica."
​
"Hmmmmmmmmm wellll woi didn'tcha say so govna, come on back let's have a look at our private charters why don't we".
​
The clearly not British man in the tacky Hawaiian shirt led Logan down past the rasta beads to the back room which.. looked exactly as Logan presumed
​
​
"Ayeeeeeee Earl man wants to go to Antarctica. Got 100k"
​
"100k? To go to Antarctica? Why? Can't he wait til 2022 it's only 4k. What's the rush?"
​
Both the tall dark gentleman stare confused at Logan. Logan himself looks a bit bewildered.
​
When he really thought about it, he hadn't even made a plan. "Just get to Antarctica" was the plan. But as to what was next once he got there he hadn't given really much thought.
​
"To be honest I have no clue myself, I just... wanna go. See the sights.."
Logan said not wanting to raise any red flags.
​
"THATS E SPEEEREEEET" the clearly not British man shouted, as both Logan and his counter-part looked frightened.
​
"Sorry... I mean... yeah man that's the spirit!"
​
Earl peered down at Logan through his black rimmed prescription glasses in confusion and doubt, wondering if he's actually got the 100k to spend.
​
"For 100k I'll take ye there and back. But how'loi know you got the monay" said Earl who didn't before but now has a very thick Scottish accent.
​
"Well I just won a jackpot from the Circus Circus in Vegas. See here's a bag full of money. They even zip locked stacks for me at a nominal fee."
​
"Circus Circus eh? A wise guy eh? Oi want payment up front and en cash. And ye gotta sign a waver, if'n ye die in and or around the boat during any time from here to Antarctica and back, you hold SaberTooth Charter LLC indemifiable for all liability and such."
​
The other clearly not British man chimed in "Yeah indemnifiable!"
​
".......I'm gonna have to think about it...." Logan said, backing away slowly, clearly uncomfortable, trying to peacefully exit the building.
​
"Okay fine fine... I'll drop the accent and you can pay half now, half when we get there. 3 meals a day, whole crew ready to do your bidding. It'll take 4 weeks. We'll stop in Guadalajara, El Salvador, Ecuador, Peru, Chile straight to Antarctica. If you've got any specific spots you'd like to check out along the way, we'll try to accommodate you. Fair enough?"
​
"Deal." said Logan.
​
(Chapter Two)

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.

• Kurt Vonnegut

Tulalip Resort Casino is an Indian casino and resort in Quil Ceda Village, Washington, owned and operated by the Tulalip Tribes of Washington. It opened in 2004 as Tulalip Casino, and was renamed in late 2007 because of the new hotel, which opened August 15, 2008.[1] In addition to the AAA Four Diamond award-winning 12-story hotel with 370 rooms and suites, the resort includes 192,000 square feet (17,800 m2) of gaming space. The property has 7 restaurants: Tulalip Bay, Blackfish, Cedars Cafe, The Draft Bar and Grill, Journeys East, Eagles Buffet and Canoes Carvery. The T Spa is the resort's onsite spa and features 14,000 square feet (1,300 m2) of treatment rooms. There are also meeting facilities, and the Canoes Cabaret, Orca Ballroom, and Tulalip Amphitheatre for entertainment events.[1]
DO NOT GO GENTLE INTO A DOMESTIC FIGHT
I had just passed through Arlington when the Taco Time began to take hold. The meaty filling and breathtaking sauces had begun to plummet my belly's pH level to a low that now refused all immigrants to my stomach like a pack of Texans at a gun show in a Trump convention. Or something. I turned to my wife and told her we were going to need to stop.
This was a mistake.
She beamed at me and said "How about the Outlet Mall?"
I would like to say I didn't shit my pants. But I shit my pants. I needed to pull over and a thought occurred to me. Well, two thoughts: fireworks and the casino. Any able bodied Washingtonian should know that the Outlet Mall in Tulalip is a win situation. In fact, it's not a bad idea to tell your wife that "Hey, you deserve a treat - let's go to the Outlet Mall in Tulalip." And then drive her up there, stay for the Banana Republic and Starbucks and then "Hey, hon, I might have more fun if I went over to the casino." And then drink until she has to drive and gamble until she has to take all the clothing she bought at the mall back.
So, it was off to the Outlet Mall. Luckily, they sold underwear.
THERE IS NO OUTLET AT THE OUTLETS
Nothing in life is free. And nothing in life is easy. So, I did have to purchase new underwear and I had a little more trouble than I imagined getting out of the Outlet Mall.
The mall seems extremely escapable as it's outside. However, you must be quick with your "Ho-hum, I'll just go to the Casino" story. You must say it nonchalant and give your partner a look that says "I can take it or leave it". Unfortunately for me, she replied "Maybe next time."
I forgot that our chance adventure at the Outlet Mall was a product of me shitting my pants and not a gift on a Saturday of spousal Outlet shopping.
"Look" I said. "I need to sit down and rest. We just spent the last five hours driving from Canada down here and Taco Time made me shit my pants AND I had to go into Banana Republic. I need to chill. This is important to me." Telling a loved one something is important to you is very important. You must use it wisely.
She gave me a look that said that she wouldn't forget it, but I got clearance to leave. I nodded her adieu and made my way through the Outletters.
There is a sick notion in the American mind that goods and services can be had on the cheap by venturing into an Outlet Mall. Nothing can be further from the truth. In fact, the new underwear I was wearing had already begun to split at the seams. There is a reason the Outlets are far away from civilization - it impedes returns.
Teams of tourists surrounded me, looking for bargains, when all I wanted to do was get away from them. The cheap kitchenware and taffy were not the drugs I needed at this time. I needed fireworks, beer, and that feeling that only comes when you pull cash out of a credit card to get your bank account back from the greedy wheel at the roulette table.
"Back, you!" I shouted at the Scientologist that is a permanent fixture at the Outlet Mall.
"But it's just a personality test!" She screamed after me.
"I take that personal!" I screamed back.
Into a Japanese tourist I slammed and spilled their belongings of muffin pans, omelet makers, and fudge named after some damn mountain in Montana that no one knows about or wants to.
Security was on me and took a hold of my collar and shook me like a bag of gold. "Out of here, you joker!" the guard yelled.
"Thank you." I whispered as he shoved me out into the parking lot and on my way to the firework stand.
TWO NATIONS MEET
There's nothing like a firework stand. Well, nothing like a good one: the kind that will sell you enough explosives to get sanctions slapped on you. Tulalip was one.
Much like sister city Auburn, Tulalip did not disappoint in the firework department. They had razzlers, tazzlers, jizzles and phazims. They had rollies, tollies, gollies, and bazims. I made all those words up, but the point is that you simply point at the biggest cannon you see at the stand and say "I'll take that."
Some of the fireworks are themed. There's a Terminator themed pack full of cannons and mortars. There's a Star Wars themed pack of cannons and mortars. There's even a Celebrity Chef pack that has...cannons and mortars.
Because of my hurry and my need to return to my loving wife within the two hours it would take her to figure out nothing fits, I went for the bone: the stuff they pretend they won't sell you unless you act like something illegal is going on.
I approached the fireworks dealer. "Sir - I would like - come closer."
"Yes?" The man asked.
"I hear your firework stand is the best." I cozied up to the register and began toying with a pack of Saturn Missiles seductively.
"Big Tits and Ass Fireworks is the best. My grandfather built Big Tits and Ass Fireworks with his bare hands! Tulalip Nation!" The man screamed and the other firework dealers screamed back.
"Yes, that's all well and good. It is a fine establishment. But tell me this...."
"Yesssss?' He asked, winking.
"Can I get..."
"Yessss?"
"A tennis ball full of....."
"Gun powder?!"
My head shot up and I looked at him cross and said "Good lord, no! Cocaine! Cocaine, my good man! I want to buy cocaine from you!"
Again I was tossed out of an outlet. This time it was the fireworks kind. I had flown too close to the sun. I figured I'd get some sparklers. Then I figured a mortar. Then I figured an M80. Then I just went all in and asked for cocaine. I was severely off my game.
THE CASINO
I got back in the car and began cursing the Tulalip Nation in the only language I knew: English.
Sure, I took some sign language and Spanish, but I didn't remember most of it and wasn't going to Google it.
Not now. Not with the casino a half a mile away.
I parked the car and took out a cigarette from a pack I kept in the trunk for just such an occasion: shitting your pants, getting kicked out of an outlet mall, trying to buy cocaine, and then getting kicked out of a firework stand.
I called it Old Smokey.
Tulalip Casino is a majestic building that greets you with fountains and lights and all the majesty of realizing you are about to lose money you don't have to a video game themed on the premise of milking money out of a cow.
As you enter, the smoke comes on you like hot fudge on a sundae if hot fudge was smoke and you were a sundae. The atmosphere reminds you of a wedding some uncle had before he went to jail for a crime that the family will not acknowledge in public. From room to room you feel that rush of being a racial minority for the first time in your life, only to become just another white guy leering at a cocktail waitress behind aviator glasses in the next room - complicating this is the fact that you're Korean.
There's an aroma of food under the nicotine and perfume, but you can't quite make out what it might be. It could be spare ribs or it could be Pad Thai, but what it won't be is good. There is no good food made by human beings that can be carried from poker table to poker table in a plastic sack. Sure, there's the nice restaurant where you sit down and eat your food at a table instead of in your car crying as you try to figure out how you're going to tell your wife that you lost the life savings and all you got out of it was a free bag of sliders and fries...but you don't want to sit down and eat food like a human. You want to gamble.
Like most casinos, the Tulalip has a club you can join to lose money within a kind of fraternal order of losers. Sure, you'll get free money and smokes and food, but those things just keep you anchored to that casino. No, the real pros skip the club and lose on their own terms.
Like me. It was time to lose money the only way I knew: video slots. Video slots are like the slot machines of old, only they have little video games within them where you get entertained as you pay for three computers and a college education for a Tulalip Nation member's family. There are bonuses, free spins, and even quests where you lose money by way of slaying dragons or orcs or zombies.
I slid a hundred in and began navigating a gnome around a fairytale castle hoping to hit the jackpot that would possibly pay off my car, but certainly wouldn't make me a rich man. As I slid hundred after hundred in the machine, the damn gnome continued to get lost in the flower city of Zambel. I shouted at the gnome "JESUS, WILL YOU PICK THE CORRECT DOOR - THIS IS COSTING ME MONEY!" But the gnome failed to pick the right door and I was out 800 dollars.
I went to the bar.
THE CASINO AND BEYOND
"At least I can get drunk now." I was left to my own shame in a bar in the casino, nursing a beer and trying to imagine how to rob the Wal Mart next door and actually make any money.
I had another half hour before I would have to meet my wife and explain how we couldn't have kids now.
"You seem down on your luck." The bartender looked at me from behind a mask of years of inbreeding. His eyes were fused and his cycloptic movements made me cringe as he pushed a matchbook across the table to me. "Meet this man at the city limits."
"You mean the Exit door?"
"Yes."
I couldn't possibly see how this man (T.C. said the matchbook) or any other man could help me out in the predicament the Native Americans had put me in. Oh, who was I kidding, it was my fault!
And the Native Americans. And my wife's. If she wouldn't have shit her pants on the way home - but I must not blame, I thought.
"Hear you need a job, kid." It was Tom Cruise.
"What the hell are you doing here?"
"I own this place."
"Really?"
"Hell no. I had to take a piss on the way home from Canada. You lose some money?"
"It's true, Mr. Cruise! I am guilty of gambling! But the Native Americans made me do it. It was some ancient curse, some demon that -"
"Speaking of ancient curses - have you heard about Xenu?"
"No."
"Good. Now, I hear you need some money."
"YES! I DO! Did the cyclops tell you?"
"The...no, that's John Travolta."
"He's a bartender?"
"No. He's a drunk. Look, you want to make some money or not?"
"I don't have to...?" I made a gesture with the hotdog I always keep in my pocket for just such instances.
"Let me just show you."
THE NEXT DAY
"Free personality test!" I yelled at the Japanese tourist.

So, you wanna go to SHOT show? You think it's all fun and games? Get to play with guns? See Jesse James and R. Lee Ermey? SHOT show is the annual pilgrimage of the unwashed masses to Las Vegas to rub elbows with youtube celebrities, bloggers and overseas businessmen copying US made equipment and share infectious disease.
If you love guns, gambling and gonorrhea - SHOT show is for you! It is not my typical idea of a good time. I am not a big fan of Las Vegas.
However: I do attend for a few reasons. First, I do enjoy travel and I'm platinum on AA so I can usually score an upgrade. Second, industry people are in there that I do hundreds of thousands if not millions of dollars with business with so it's nice to put a face with the name and see what deals are out there. SHOT for me has been a bust for the past few years. Being a value guy, I want to buy at $1000 and sell at $3000 and as of recently the gun business is more like buy for $1 and sell for $1.10 if you get what I mean.
We used to do business at SHOT and now it's just checking in on foursquare, instagram and rubbing elbows with bloggers and the like. I want to make money, not spend money so this is very annoying to me.
Anyways, onto the play by play.
Monday, January 16th. One day before SHOT show.
http://imgur.com/a/HoFUm
Every time I've been rejected by a woman, I move $1 from checking into savings and I take the bankroll down to the Wynn for some play. Lets do this.
The TSA line is a shitshow thanks to, well TSA.
I slog my way to the lounge, as shitty as it is to wait for my winged chariot to DFW. I have gone from being in an abusive relationship with Delta to being in an abusive relationship with AA. Although if you really want to experience the battered spouse feeling, UA is a few gates over. This trip's light reading is trying to finish "The Tipping Point" by Malcolm Gladwell. Such a good book as well as "Outliers" if you want a good read.
I walk up to the podium to find out that my upgrades do not clear, even as an AA Plat thanks to the addition of a FOURTH elite tier. Goddamn fucking W. Doug Parker. Asshole. I gate check my bags to make life easier for me and the rest of the folks. The gate agent calls concierge key and executive platinum passengers. I look down and realize I'm wearing a suit and board with the executive platinum folks because I do not care and I look the part. If you walk with a purpose and are dressed reasonably well, you fit the profile. I settle into my window seat and try to finish outliers. I pass out before takeoff and I'm awoken by the dulcet tones of the flight attendants preparing for landing. We land at Dallas a few minutes early and I hightail it to the Centurion for a quick bite to eat. I grab a plate and help myself to some of the excellent brisket, pecan encrusted chicken and some roasted jumbo asparagus. Yes, my pee is going to smell funny. No, I do not care. The lounge is packed. The bar is full and I grab a quick single malt as I have my meal since American's not going to feed me. They begin boarding to Mccarran as I walk out of the lounge. No time for a stop in the spa on this trip. I make it to the gate just as the call group 2 boarding.
I bypass the main line and walk up through the priority line giving no heed to the people that have been waiting there before me as I hold up my paper boarding pass with PLATINUM to the gate agent. I board and take my usual seat - the exit row without the seat in front of it. I'm aghast to see this sight.
http://imgur.com/a/dygil
The savages. Literally. The savages.
I put my loathing away for a moment and look down at the exit row. I have the window. The aisle is a large middle aged man and in the middle is what I believe to be a formecurrent linebacker for the Dallas Cowboys wearing a 52 regular sports jacket. He's not a fat guy in a little coat, he's a big fucking hulk of a man stuffed in an exit row seat that is already an inch narrower due to the tray table. I grimace as I take my seat and give him the manly nod. He does not look happy about the fact that his knees are in the seat in front and I'm stretched out like a Cheshire cat in front of a fireplace on a cold January afternoon.
The boarding door closes for an on time departure and Stephanie the FA takes her seat. He leans over and asks if he can take the empty row across the aisle and she takes one look at the three of us and gives him the nod. I bail out to give him a path of egress and suddenly the trip to Las Vegas has just become way more comfortable. I finish The Tipping Point somewhere over west texas, so I pop a xanax and dr pepper and zone out for the rest of the ride. I awake to feel one of the FA's jostling me awake telling me to put my seat up. I do so and we have a ride so smooth that not even the Delta guy behind me can complain about light chop. We catch the TYSSN4 arrival and the next thing I know it the Messier Dowty landing gear of the A321 touch the paint at Mccarran for a smooth rollout down 25L.
My phone battery is approaching grim death since this seat has no power plugs and I find bartman383 has sent me a message. He has been enjoying LV with his wife and their due to bad weather they are in the city of sin for a few extra nights. He invites me to dinner. I'm still pretty full from DFW and I tell him I'll be over there once I get my bags and the car and I'll see him when I see him. He gives me the info for the hotel as we pull up to the gate.
First stop: Centurion lounge. AA's app tells me bags being unloaded. I grab a quick bite of fried chicken and brussels sprouts since they are good for you and a chocolate pudding. The brisket and pecan encrusted chicken from DFW still has me full but I'm well aware of the speed of a union baggage handlers nowadays and who doesn't like chocolate pudding? Terrorists. That's who. Want to know how to screen for terrorists TSA? Set up a table of free chocolate pudding at the airport. The people who don't take any are members of ISIS. It's just that simple.
I grab my bag and hoof it to Hertz. I'm an idiot and I am an hour late for my pickup. Oops. Will an Audi A3 suffice? I sigh and I accept my Teutonic quattro chariot. I do a burnout in the parking garage and hightail it to the exit. I flash my #1 card and my ID and the gatekeeper gives me the go ahead. I get onto the the strip and traffic is awful. I'm going to be late for dinner. I make a left onto Russell Road and hightail it up the 15. I manage to get the car up to 100 as I pass the Luxor. My phone is dead so I can't message Bart about being late. Fuck. The exit approaches quickly as I put the 4 wheel disk brakes to work and sling the car around and head south on Las Vegas Bl. I accidentally turn into the Bellagio and I'm now running even more late. Fuck. Eventually, I get the car into the garage at the Cosmopolitan and head upstairs. I cannot remember the name of the restaurant but I head up to the third floor where all the restaurants are and I see this sign that's reminiscent of my days in retail.
It says RESTAURANT - LOUNGE - PAWN SHOP.
I laugh. I walk in. It's literally a pawnshop. I look around puzzled.
FC: Is this a restaurant?
Bald Headed Guy: Yes, through that door.
He points towards a door. I walk in to find a bustling restaurant, lounge via the entrance of pawnshop. This is insane. I pass a mirror and check myself out. I adjust my tie, after all it is YSL and the ladies LOVE YSL. Remember that. I find the hostess and inform her I will be joining some friends for dinner. They probably do not have me on the reservation though but I turn on the charm and she smiles and says no problem at all. She asks if my tie is from Hermes. I say no, I'm a YSL guy. She looks impressed as I tell her I'll make a quick lap of the room to see if they're there and surprise them. She gives me a nod and tells me to go right ahead. Still got it.
I spot bart and his wife who I can only remember vaguely from gunnitlive after party video and I pull up a chair. Bart is surprised to see I made it and they are in the middle of dinner. They offer to ply me with food and beverage but I decline as I'm driving so no booze for me and no food since I am stuffed from Dallas. We chat about life and liberty over libations. Bart's wife thinks I am hysterical. She's had a few drinks and they are already into their main courses. The brussels sprouts are way too salty and we have to send it back. No bueno.
Bart invites me up to his suite on the top floor of the hotel where we are to meet Brogelicious later in the evening. I say, when in rome......we head to the top floor of the hotel tower where Bart shows me his view from the balcony and cracks open the mini bar for some more libations. He asks if I want a drink and I say I better not. I'm driving.
Not 30 seconds after arriving, brogel shows up. Bart's wife hugs brogel. She's infatuated with him. We start shooting the shit and bart opens up the minibar and tells us to take anything we want, it's on the hotel. I laugh and I look outside as bart opens his yeti 110 for some silver bullets. Apparently he is so baller the hotel will send up a yeti 110 filled with beer to make him happy. His wife is apparently such a baller. I ball on a budget. They just ball. Hahaha.
We shoot the shit some more about guns, gun stuff and people on the reddit for a while. I get a little thirsty and I crack open bart's cooler. I ask him how long the stuff in the cooler is supposed to last and he says until Wednesday.
I look down and I am agape at what I see.
We had two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a saltshaker half-full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers... Also, a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of beer, a pint of raw ether, and two dozen amyls. Not that we needed all that for the trip, but once you get locked into a serious drug collection, the tendency is to push it as far as you can. The only thing that really worried me was the ether. There is nothing in the world more helpless and irresponsible and depraved than a man in the depths of an ether binge, and I knew we'd get into that rotten stuff pretty soon.
I mentally prepared my butthole and I decided to help myself to a coors light against my wishes but Bart, Bart's wife and Brogel are all drinking so I let peer pressure take hold as I cracked open a beer with them. We head out to the balcony to smoke some cuban cigars together as bart's wife takes a photo of all of us. We all look like hell. Haha.
As bart downs his second beer, he asks me a question.
Bart: ever go hunting?
Me: Ducks a little bit but not much
Bart: ever want to hunt some deadly game?
Me: Like on african safari?
Bart: No, I mean like.........man.
Me: Hahahahhahaaha you're just fucking with me. Hahahahahhaa. That's really funny.
Bart: No really, the concierge here at this hotel will set it up for us. It's amazing. I remember my first hunt......
Brogel starts laughing and I realize they've been doing a bit. I've been had.
We bullshit about SHOT and Barrett's shotguns and other things and next thing I know, it's late but bart hands me a mixed drink. I sip it a bit and I was in the middle of a tirade complaining about my customers. Suddenly, there was a terrible roar all around us, and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all swooping and screeching and diving around the city, and a voice was screaming: Holy Jesus. What are these goddamn animals? Nobody seems to understand what I'm talking about. It's cold on the balcony. Our cigars are done. We head indoors. No point in mentioning these bats, I thought. Poor bastards will see them soon enough.
Back indoors I realize Brussels sprouts and coors light is a bad choice. Seriously no bueno. I excuse myself to the bathroom and drain the vein. The asparagus funny smelling pee and the side effects of beer and brussels sprouts is a noxious combination that a defense contractor should weaponize it. It's pretty bad and not even cuban tobbaco can mask the smell.
I sit back down and continue to talk about guns and stuff with bart and the gang and bart asks who ruined the bathroom. I apologize as he sprays a bunch of febreze around and opens the balcony. I apolgize to brogel. He is not accepting my apology. (sorry :( )
Nearly 11, it's about time to pull chocks and mosey on down the dusty trail. I don't want to prompt an evacuation of the hotel due to noxious odors so I decide to leave and bart seems to be kinda mad that I've ripped ass and polluted the sanctuary of his hotel. Half a coors light and brussels sprouts are no bueno in my book now. Bart decides to party hard with his wife and I offer brogel a ride home. He seems skeptical to share a confined space with me after I have just destroyed bart's hotel room. The car has 4 windows and the Uber will cost him a few bucks he can put towards ammo. He relents as we head down to the garage to find my car. Thankfully we find it quickly and I manage to contain the weapons of ass destruction for the 16 minute ride off strip to casa de brogel.
He says I'm not that bad a dude and I agree as I hightail it to my hotel. I cannot find my hotel reservations so I call my travel agent to see.
Apparently the Wynn was not in my travel budget this year. I have come to find out I have been booked at Circus Circus, much to my chagrin. How bad could it be? I've stayed at the Wynn. I've stayed at Encore. I've stayed at the hotel that Elisabeth Shue's character got raped in in Leaving Las Vegas - but Circus Circus? Did I mention that I HATE CLOWNS? I HATE CLOWNS. Fuck.
I pull into the parking garage and the check in line resembles something straight out of the TSA line at Mccarran. 45 minutes to check in. The clerk is friendly and says he's also from Louisiana which is neat. He asks if I've stayed there before and I, being a connoisseur of old vegas history I decide to make a joke and I tell him the last time I was there, Jay Sarno owned the place. He got a laugh. I head up to my room and unpack. The lobby is clean as an old vegas casino can be, the room is clean and there's no way to plug anything in since the hotel predates personal electronic devices. I plug my phone into my external battery and collapse on the bed. I message Bart and chugbleach instead of falling asleep about show tomorrow and I offer to pick bart up early since there is no shuttle from the cosmo.
Tuesday, November 16th SHOT Show Day One
I awoke several hours later in a daze......the clock said 10AM. The show opened at 8:30. Fuck me to tears. I hurry up and get dressed and down to the sands convention center. The parking lot is FULL. The entire complex is a mess. When my man Steve Wynn built his joint he didn't build enough parking. So people would park at the Venetian and now FUCKING NOBODY CAN GET A PARKING SPACE. Holy shit. I eventually say fuck it and park over at the Wynn and walk over to the Sands. I meet up with a few of my regular suppliers and I see nothing interesting at all. Bart went to bed at 6AM after spending all night partying with his wife over at the palazzo. I joke and say that he just should have stayed there. Bart is amazed at the size of the show and we have lunch at the most disgusting place in las vegas - the convention center bistro snack bar. Bart is a wise man as he grabs a powerade and a fruit cup. I decide to try an "italian beef" and a fruit cup instead of fries to stay semi health conscious. The "italian beef" is the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. It is flat out depressing. They give me fries with it and I demand a fruit cup. The sassy black woman working the stand asks me "DID YOU ASK FOR FRUIT? CAUSE RIGHT HERE SAYS FRIES" and I channel my inner Louis CK from the "this is how I talk" bit from SNL as I shoot back "WHY YOU FRONTIN ON ME I ASKED FOR FRUIT AND YOUR ASS BETTER BACK UP AND GET ME SOME FRUIT" so she goes back and gets me some fruit.
The "italian beef", my fruit cup, bart's fruit cup and powerade comes to $81. My platinum amex comes out and I treat bart to "lunch". We bullshit about guns and stuff in the Springfield booth as we wait at the world's worst concession stand. We eat and Bart is so hungover that he thinks he is in need of physical therapy and a wheelchair. There is no way he is going to party tonight before his trip home. Or so I think. Haha.
I meander around the show a bit more and I find this, the most USELESS PRODUCT OF 2017. It's made by a company called radetec.
http://imgur.com/a/GOiCB
It's a shot counter. For your gun.
A digital odometer, for your gun.
The only person that would buy this is the guy like my dad that kept a spiral bound notebook in his car where he documented how many miles he traveled per tank, gallons dispensed, PRICE, service station and whether they had a different price for cash/charge, oil consumption, tire rotations, alignments, all services - scheduled or otherwise, and a running odometer. Does anyone know the gun owner who asks for a round count when they are looking at a used gun? The question I always shoot back is "do you want to be lied at a little or do you want to be lied at a lot?" because that's what you're asking for when you ask for round count.
UNLESS YOU BUY THIS PRODUCT!
I roll my eyes so far back into my head that I nearly lose my balance. This is idiotic. I cannot fathom anyone willing to buy this. What a waste of perfectly good exhibition space.
Bart heads back to his hotel after visiting SHOT show for a few hours, not getting any swag and to get an IV of fluids since he looked like he was rapidly approaching grim death.
I wrap up visiting prime vendors and checking out the new products, or lack thereof because I have something on the schedule. At 4:30 there's a suicide prevention for retailers seminar hosted by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. As many of you know this is an issue that is important to me and perhaps we as retailers should be doing more. The keynote was from their chief medical director talking about the accessibility of firearms and the mindset of the "typical" suicide. Mostly men. If you are a veteran you are at a significantly larger risk. The information was presented very not surprisingly and one of the things discussed was that we only spend around 21M a year on suicide prevention.
A few take away facts from the keynote:
When suicide barriers are put up on a bridge, suicide rates for the entire area drop. The key to preventing suicide is getting people to talk about their problems. Once you can get someone out of that mindset, they are statistically less likely to do it and live productive lives afterwards. There are certain terms that they are trying to get away from - for instance, they are not saying "committed suicide" they are now saying "died by suicide" in order to bring awareness and tell it like it is.
One thing that really was interesting to me was my reading on the flight in from Dallas. In The Tipping Point, Gladwell discusses how things stay the same and suddenly they all change. One of the things that he discusses is in micronesia - where teen suicide was practically unheard of became an outright epidemic. One teenager did it, for reasons passing understanding to me as an outsider and then all the other kids realized that they too could escape their pain by hanging themselves as well and suddenly the suicide rates in micronesia became so high to where it became a public health issue. I wish I could show you all the article I wrote on TTAG about my friend's death but it has been lost in the cloud and I am unable to find the last draft I sent to print, but it echoes some of the problems we have with suicide and mental health in the firearm industry.
After the keynote, the good doctor opened the floor up for questions. Her keynote posed a lot of statistics but not a lot of answers. I am a detail oriented granular data guy and I did not get a solid grasp of the AFSP solutions posed, if any.
Several firearm dealers discussed the lack of a cohesive solution and the takeaway was they're trying to develop awareness for the suicide problem. Their goal is to lower suicide rates but how they get there is yet to be determined. I didn't like hearing that and the comments from the crowd reflected the lack of a "here's what you can do TODAY to help this problem" part of the initiative.
Going around the room, one dealer who used NICS said that if a customer was just flat out acting funny - he'd lie to the customer and say there was a delay with NICS even though there was an approval just to get them to not be able to have a gun for a few days. The crowd applauded this initiative, however I'm not sure lying to customers is the best way to run a business and treat them with respect. Another dealer brought up an interesting point. When someone comes in looking to buy a gun and they don't know what kind of gun they want, what caliber, and are generally clueless - they're either buying a gun to kill themselves with, OR perhaps they are a very uneducated prospective customer - and there is no clear way of finding out which is which.
The problems presented by the AFSP are real. The solutions aren't there though. Yet. Ideally I'd like to see some change to that. However, there's some problems.
I hung around and asked the good doctor and her staff some questions and I am in no way denigrating her life's work and her dedication to preventing suicide since she has dedicated her life's work to the issue, but the conversation went something like this.
Did you do any research on the accessibility of firearms from a retailer from the legal standpoint?
"No, we haven't"
Do you know how the NICS or state POC background systems work in regard to mental health holds, etc?
"No"
One of the problems that I foresee right off the bat is that you talked about how you are fighting time, and if you can get someone out of that suicide mindset - even for a few hours, you can get them into that higher survival bracket. If we apply a one size fits all solution to it like California and put a 10 day wait on everything with the goal of protecting someone from their own life, how do we balance that with the needs of the woman who has been hiding from her abusive spouse and needs a gun right away?
"That's a good question that I don't have an answer for."
Their initiative, I admire - the lack of solutions is a little off putting however. I tell the doc about how my friend's suicide has impacted me and she seems to be sympathetic to the situation as does her colleagues. I am given her cards and told to call the next time I'm in New York so we can get together and discuss things within the industry. I'll give them a buzz in a few weeks when I'm up there on business. On my way out of the hall, I run into Massad Ayoob. Nice guy. I've admired his work over the years. Bart invites myself and chugbleach to dinner, I can't reach Chug and even though I am beat I decide to hang out with Bart and Mrs Bart
Bart: What do you want to eat?
FC: Let's find a nice seafood restaurant and eat some red salmon, I feel a powerful lust for red salmon.
I begin vomiting.
God damn mescaline. Why the fuck can't they make it a little less pure?
We eventually head downstairs and order too much food. We are tired and not very hungry. Bart is still hungover and barely able to process food. His wife is grazing on all sorts of meat products. I am in awe of how they are both still upright after six nonstop nights of partying. I've only been here one day and I feel like I am about to die.
Dinner concludes with an awkward hug with bart's wife - I don't know how other men feel about wife hugs so I have just avoided the prospect entirely. Like flying through Denver on Frontier. Or flying on Frontier. Ever.
I drive over to the Wynn to set up my markers and the poker room is full. I draw a $2500 marker at the craps table and watch the game a bit. I have never played craps before in my life but the three people there seem to be having fun.
I look down at my phone and I realize a plane has landed. fluffy_butternut has landed in Las Vegas on business. I had lost a bet and offered to pick him up from the airport. I cash back in my chips against my casino credit and head back to my car. I cannot find my car. Fuck. I wander the wynn garage which is covered in construction debris. I eventually find it and haul ass to the airport. Now, I didn't know this but fluffy has the WORST SENSE OF DIRECTION AT ALL. Seriously. I have no idea how he even made it to the correct city. He lands and has to get his bag and stuff and I circle the airport. He lets me know he's at door 77 wherever the fuck that was. I drive into the pickup portion and I see no sign. He then says he's coming up a level, and I tell him that I'll be there shortly. I park the car and Metro PD starts yelling.
Metro: You can't park your car here.
FC: Why not? Is this not a reasonable place to park?
Metro: Reasonable? You're on a sidewalk! This is the sidewalk!
I give the man a $20 and tell him to keep it running as I wander Mccarran screaming FLUFFY! HERE FLUFFY! I message fluffy to let him know I am the car parked on the sidewalk. I instantly figure out who he is having never seen a photo of him and I throw his bags into the car as we head for his hotel. I haul ass out of the airport and get the A3 on the highway.
Now this was a superior machine. Thirty nine grand worth of gimmicks and high-priced special effects. The rear windows lit up with a touch like frogs in a dynamite pond. The dashboard was full of esoteric lights and dials and meters that I would never understand.
We check in at the Rio where the desk clerk is friendly and flirty. I express amazement there is no line. Fluffy checks in and we take his bags upstairs and he offers to buy me food for driving him to the airport. I decline. We head to the bar anyways. He orders two beers and we decide to call chug. He's staying out in Summerlin or something because his company is apparently run by cheapskates. He asks if we want to hang out and shoot the shit. I say sure and ask if he wants us to pick up food or anything from CVS or something since I have the car and I'm able to do anything I want. He asks for some toothpaste. No problem. I may be an asshole on the internet but I have a heart of gold. We get some toothpaste get to the hotel.
Arriving at the lobby, we have no idea where he is. It turns out he gave us the address for the hotel across the street. We laugh and go to that lobby and shoot the shit till 3AM much to the chagrin of the hotel clerk. Fluffy has some beers and we plan on dinner the next day. I drive fluffy back and arrive at the hotel at 4. Fuck me to tears.
Wednesday, January 18th. Day 2 of SHOT show.
Alarm goes off at 7:30 AM. I wash up, eat and get breakfast. In the garage by 8:15. Nice. I get some dillo dust and check out the new Sig 220 DA/SA and SAO legions. Daddy likey. I go to a competing firm and I piss of my state sales manager by telling him his newer designed triggers suck ass. He says the company tested them and they're the same in every way. I ask him why the triggers have two different part numbers in the catalog and how come they're not interchangeable and if that's really the case, how come there's X changes in the supposedly identical pistol parts that he's holding side by side. He gets mad at me and says I'm not an expert on their product and perhaps I should take his job since I'm so smart. I agree that I'm smart and I hold firm that if he didn't want me to complain about the shitty trigger, they should stop selling guns with shitty triggers. I am nearly kicked out of the booth.
I meet up with some of my wholesale reps and I'm mid convo when I see Itsgoodsoup and his friend walking around the show. I yell SOUP but he does not hear me. So I grab his friend and find him and I tell him we should get together at dinner with fluffy and chug. He agrees.
The show winds down, I get some business done and nothing much else. We break for a shitty gunnit live lite and I take a few questions from the crowd in fluffy's suite at the Rio. Dinner is at 8 and we arrive at the restaurant late to find soup and his friend sitting at one table and chug and his girlfriend sitting at another. Perhaps we should have gotten here a little earlier. Hahaha. So, fluffy said the place is really good and I order a few of the specialties of the house. Apparently according to yelp they do a kickass peking duck. Soon to be mrs chug is a vegan. But we can eat meat in front of her. I wonder how it's served and Soup's vancouver raised asian friend tells me that they normally carve it tableside. Our vegan says as long as there's no head she's cool. We're not sure if they can fulfill that request. So we order and food starts coming out and we tell tall tales of shot show BS and other stuff. Sure enough, the duck comes out with the head. No bueno. Haha. But I decide to treat us to vegan donuts at the vegan bakery across the street later. Seven courses later we are full. Vegan bakery closed. I am committed to getting her some vegan donuts though. We head to Fremont street to gamble. Fluffy wanders about and we try craps and we're not impressed. We hit some slots and eventually I hit the craps table where chug explains the game to me. We start betting on dice. And somehow we start winning. I find that the house allows you to take 10X behind the line. No idea what this means so I plop $5 on the pass line and the point hits 6. I drop $50 behind it and it hits. We go a few rounds and leave ahead. It's 2:30 AM. Fuck. I drive everyone back to their hotel. I get to sleep around 4.
Thursday, January 19th. Day 3 of SHOT show.
Wake up at 10AM feeling like crap. Debate whether to head straight to show and wander about. Fuck it. Went to halal guys for some halal. Delicious. Got vegan donuts. Dead drop them at the Palazzo lobby for chug and his girl. Show is a bust. Literally nothing exciting. Fluffy offers to buy me dinner. One of my customers who lives in Summerlin offers to take me to dinner. I pass on fluffy and he destroys the seafood buffet at the rio. I head to Sinatra at the Wynn for dinner with my customer. All good in the hood. Chug has been invited to the Glock dinneafter party and I'm not so we all go our separate ways. I call foghorn5950 and due to some weather, he's flying home early and our plans to hangout are fucked up unless I go tonight. I grab fluffy and we head to Whiskey Down. He orders a makers and I give him a funny look. I tell the waitress make it a bulleit. Everyone laughs. I talk shop with Jeremy also from TTAG and we shoot the shit over cigars and talk about useless products. Next thing we know, chug is out of the dinner and wandering the strip. We decide to meet up at the Linq. It takes us nearly 30 minutes to get out of Whiskey Down at MGM because the waitress was awful and messed up everyone's tab. It was a fucking disaster. To boot, MGM is now charging for parking.
FC: What a bunch of fucking jews
Fluff: You should just tailgate that lady in front of you out and screw them out of the $7
FC: I should
We pull behind her and watch as she gets flustered at the awful parking machine. Her nevada license plate says VETERAN. As the gate goes up we haul ass and screw MGM out of $7. I shout "THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE" out the window as we blow right by her up to the Linq. Through fluffy's awful navigation, we wind up at the loading dock for the Linq. Eventually we find chug and gf hanging at the penny slots. They are holding vegan donuts, which she is very appreciative of. Least I could do after showing her the head. Fluffy plays the House of Cards slot machine.
He stuck $100 in, played for 6 minutes and then got really mad and hit the cash out button and $80 was left after 5 minutes.
ITS EXACTLY LIKE THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT!
Chug's gf asks to play a special slot machine called kitty glitter. We ask and the linq does not offer it but Harrahs next door does. So we head over there and the slot tech finds the kitty glitter machine. Fluffy sticks a C note in there and tells her to play and have a blast. So she's banging away at the one armed bandit WHEN SUDDENLY I HEAR THE SOUND.
It's PUTTIN ON THE RITZ in shitty .wav file internal speaker format. Hahah. She's just hit the progressive jackpot on the penny KITTY GLITTER machine. THIS PLACE IS AWESOME! We cash out after some play and a good time was had by all. I dump off fluffy at the rio since it was very close and drive everyone else back. It's late, I'm tired and the Palace Station oyster bar is open 24 hours......I head over there and there's a 45 minute wait.
So, I pull out my backup bankroll and using everything chug and fluffy have taught me about craps I belly up to the $3 min table where they let you take 10x behind the line. I'm still learning and the table is slow so one of the boxmen start explaining the game to me.
Box: So if you place the 6 or the 9 or individual numbers you can bet those but you gotta pay a little juice on it like a commission
Me: Like when you buy the hook?
short pause
Box: Yeah! Exactly like that! You got this!
So I played a little and went up a bit and down a bit. As you do. Plunked $5 down on the pass line and took full odds and the point hit. This game is pretty cool! So I hung around and watched for about an hour and finally decided to eat my winnings. I take $5 off my stack and, drop it on the pass line and announce dealer bet - $5 to pass. It hits. The dealers love me.
Maybe Vegas isn't so bad after all.
http://imgur.com/a/LGhDj
I have the pan roast at the oyster bar. No line. It is DELICIOUS. I get back to the hotel at 5AM. I don't care when I wake up.
Friday, January 20th. Day 4 of SHOT show.
Wake up around noon feeling like crap. Go to show. Debate destroying milk cart with wheels with an ax borrowed from fire station. Decide against it. Gas up car and find myself out by palace station again. Played some craps, hit the buffet and went for an early sleep.
It's midnight. The neighbors in my the hotel are having sex. A LOT OF SEX. I can hear everything. I gently knock on the door. No answer. I knock slightly harder. No answer. I head back to my room and close the door just as I hear their door open. I zoom back out to find a puzzled middle aged stocky and perhaps sticky Latino man looking both ways.
I get in his line of sight.
Me: Hey. I'm next door. It sounds like you're having a lot of fun. I get it. I really do. In fact I haven't had sex since the bush administration so I'm gunning for you man I really am. But it's midnight and I have a 6am flight and a rental car to return. So trust me when I say I'm really happy for you but if you don't mind I really need to get some sleep tonight okay?
The awkward silence is deafening. He nods without saying a word and mouths okay. I give him a manly nod and thumbs up.
Me: thanks. I'd shake your hand or fist bump but well you know.....
I give him a peace sign as he goes back into his little pleasure palace and I turn to realize that I have just locked myself out of my room. I am wearing boxers, a tshirt and barefoot. I head downstairs to the lobby. The check in at the front desk resembles the TSA line at Mccarran. Normally I would not be this rude but desperate times call for desperate measures.
The line is 50 people deep. I walk past every person. Fuck your queue. I approach the desk where someone is helping a guest and I raise my right hand as if I were in a deposition to get them to stop. The staff and guest looks puzzled as the angry barefoot man clad in nothing but boxers and a "uzi does it" tshirt approaches the desk.
Me: excuse me. I don't mean to interrupt. I have an emergency. I'm up on 8 and my neighbors are having a lot of sex. I mean a LOT of sex.
(This is the same front desk clerk who actually checked me in Monday night by coincidence looks back at me very awkwardly and puzzled.)
Me: this isn't your regular sex. I'm talking this is your (I begin air humping the front desk and slapping the granite counter with my palm and grunting loudly) sex. You could hear the plan B packaging open.
At this point - the ENTIRE FRONT DESK STAFF HAS STOPPED CHECKING IN GUESTS. The people in line and are watching the show. The clerk is stunned. Speechless. Shock and awed. Crapped out and busted. The women are covering their children's eyes and ears. The men are wondering if this show requires a 2 drink minimum.
Me: now I get this is Vegas. Everyone wants a good time. It's midnight. My flight leaves at 6 which means I have to be up by 4. And this just isn't working. So I asked them to keep it down and I locked myself out of my room. So if you can make me another key or move me I'd appreciate it.
The clerk nods.
Clerk: of course. may I see your ID?
Years of ballet have prepared me for this day. I step back to make sure my genitals are still ensconced in my boxers as I pirouette and gesticulate wildly.
Me: DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE ID?
The floor manager steps over and asks me to head down to the end of the desk where she will make me a key. I give her the room number and thank her after she offers to have security sent up to shutdown the best little whorehouse in Vegas. I tell her it may not be necessary. As I take my keys and walk away the people in line break out in raucous applause.
I take a bow and miraculously my boxer shorts don't rip. These people are my subjects and I have been crowned the the king of the three ring circus that is the circus circus lobby. Im offered a $1 tip from a kind soul but I decline.
My walk back to the hotel elevator bank is uneventful. So much so that I realize it is going too well. The other shoe, if I were wearing one felt as if it was about to drop. Suddenly a dumbass in a rascal scooter is heading toward me at flank speed as his head is turned to look at everyone BEHIND HIM. There's no way this will end well.
For you gentle readers joining us mid conversation - it's midnight and I need to be at the airport in 4.5 hours. I can just see it now. (Cue the harp noises)
Scene: Emergency room
Nurse: Allergic to anything? Me: NKDA Nurse: cause of injury? Me: what's the IC10 code for "run down by drunken buffoon on motorized wheelchair?"
I saw my life and confirmed upgraded first class seats home being given away by the Mccarran gate agent flash before my eyes and my catlike reflexes kicked in and I jumped to my left into the wall, mid 1960's Las Vegas union construction being the path of least resistance. Think "The Bodyguard" with Kevin Costner.
The buffoon barely realizes what happens. Children are amazed. "HEY MOM! Look! That guy just ran into a wall!"
Me: it was that OR GET RUN DOWN BY SOME JACKASS ON A GODDAMN SCOOTER GOING FULL SPEED DRIVING LIKE A....
I look down and a midwestern nuclear family with two children of formative age are waiting for the elevator. I change my last word.
Me: LUNATIC!
I look over to the parents.
Me: I'm really sorry. This is a family joint and I shouldn't have cursed the drunken scooter driver like that. Sorry kids.
Parent: no big deal. They've heard fucking worse.
I crack a smile at her word choice. Fucking worse. Yeah. That sounds like my evening.
After jumping into a wall, I'm now wide awake and unable to go back to sleep. I make the plane and push on time. The 737 comes to a stop short of the runway and holds. Something is wrong. The pilots come on and say that they loaded more cargo and passengers than planned so they have to redo their numbers. We're waiting on the taxiway with both engines running as they do this and the waiting music comes on. What's the first song?
Whitney Houston - "I Will Always Love You"

Since Ol' Woody has been mentioned in several threads here of late I'm adding a story about him and a list of his tweets created by an exmo, Book of Mordor.
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff
Introduction
At the end of an artfully concealed passageway within the F (First Presidency's) Vault at Granite Mountain can be found a hidden trap door leading to a secret sub-basement. Using my special set of skills, I had navigated my way into this forgotten room. I passed by the Liahona, the Sword of Laban, what looked like a Jaredite-barge shining stone thingy, and the head of Shiz in a jar; these trifles were not the reason for my dangerous and clandestine visit. I found myself sweating and mopped my face with the nearby Title of Liberty.
In the far corner of the sub-basement, I spotted an opening in the floor. Creeping over for a closer look, I beheld a spiral staircase winding endlessly down into the abyssal blackness. Eldritch symbols and unsettling images were engraved upon its cold steps, but I knew that I must descend, for the mysterious Fat Man had insisted there was no other way. My flashlight flickered and I hoped that I had inserted alkaline batteries instead of the cheap regular ones.
At length, I arrived at the nethermost alcove below the mountain. And there! next to the casks of Amontillado I spied the prize and object of my search: a small locked wooden box. But not just any box, for it contained a priceless artifact. I promptly seized the box and got the hell out of there.
Returning to my room at the Crystal Inn Hotel in Murray, I brought out the key which had proven so difficult to procure. If you can recall that one "Pirates" scene with Will Turner and a sleeping Davy Jones at the organ, you get the idea. But that tale I dare not relate in full. Suffice it to say that the telling would cause men to weep and women to giggle.
My hand trembled as the key turned and the lock clicked open. I slowly raised the lid and at last gazed with wonder on that for which I had risked all. With my heart pounding, I removed it, and so I now hold...the Flash Drive of the Prophets.
The Flash Drive of the Prophets! Naught but rumors and whispers can be heard about it from the wizened merchants who lurk in the dark recesses of City Creek Center. To think that I am now in possession of it is almost more than I can bear. But I must make haste, and share what I can of the supernal treasures stored on it. And so I present to you, dear readers, the Tweets of Wilford Woodruff.
@Big_Ol_Woody - Getting dunked a mormon in a few. Gonna be an #IceBath, f**king freezing!!! 10:48 AM Ð 31 Dec 1833
@Big_Ol_Woody - @ParleyPPratt says I have 2 go 2 some podunk place called Kirtland. Pratt's a horse's @$$ control freak. Why do I have this urge 2 run? 3:41 PM Ð 1 Apr 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Meeting the big guy @JosephSmithJr now. Hairy dude. Whats up w/ all the girls & can I get some? 11:22 AM Ð 25 Apr 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Showed JS a leg bone & arrowhead. He's #OffHisMeds, starts on about a white Indian named Zelph. Great prophet Onandagus, I call bulls**t. 1:14 PM Ð 3 Jun 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mission, WTF?!? No one told me that! #BaitAndSwitch 10:58 AM Ð 11 Nov 1834
@Big_Ol_Woody - Movin on up, in the 1Q70 now. Gonna get small folks 2 #PaintMyHouse 4 me. ROFL! 12:39 PM Ð 3 Jan 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got me some action at last ABOUT TIME! Phoebe's 30 like me not a babe but I'll take it. JS promised me a bunch more later haha. 8:03 AM Ð 14 Apr 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission?! Finally getting laid & have 2 leave again, whats wrong w/ u ppl? 11:40 AM Ð 9 May 1837
@Big_Ol_Woody - Made APOSTLE 2day! JACKPOT!! I'm famous, u must all BOW DOWN BE4 ME! 3:11 PM Ð 26 Apr 1839
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another fking mission. England this time. Fk. 8:46 AM Ð 8 Aug 1839
@Big_Ol_Woody - Dunked 600 chumps past 6 wks. @JohnTaylor had the idea, calls it #CricketBaptisms. Seems 2 work. 11:17 PM Ð 10 Apr 1840
@Big_Ol_Woody - Seeing Phoebe soon, YES! Horny as all s**t, have 2 make up 4 lost time. 9:43 AM Ð 2 Jun 1841
@Big_Ol_Woody - JS showed me the "Urem&Thumem" (sp?) 2day. Just a f**king rock but had 2 make a HUGE deal like OMG! OMG, faint! LOL!! Rube. 7:09 PM Ð 27 Dec 1841
@Big_Ol_Woody - Goofy s**t around here starting 2 get 2 me. Seeing stream of light in sky shaped like sword. Must be going crazy. 8:21 PM Ð 10 Mar 1843
@Big_Ol_Woody - Oh my head. F**king sky sword changed in2 a ring w/ balls of light inside. JS says sky sword means big war coming. #NauvooMadHouse 9:12 PM Ð 14 Mar 1843
@Big_Ol_Woody - BIG DAY 2DAY GETTIN MY SECOND ANOINTING ON!!! #GoldenTicket #IGotMine 10:02 AM Ð 28 Jan 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Moved in2 new house yesterday. Got it "broken in" last nite w/ Phoebe heh. Life = good. 8:31 AM Ð 5 Mar 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME??? Want 2 kick JS in the nutz. #LoserTyrant 4:04 PM Ð 6 May 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - OHHH S**T reading in Boston paper JS shot, killed. Bet that SOB Young is gonna try 2 take over. Not good. Need 2 get drunk fast. 3:50 PM Ð 9 Jul 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Its over. #TheBrigham is prez now. Every1 else kissed butt so couldn't say anything. Have 2 play nice. F**k we're doomed. 2:57 PM Ð 8 Aug 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another mission 2 #Europe but it's OK this time b/c I'm MP now & can order every1 around. #HastenTheWork serfs!! 12:25 PM Ð 12 Aug 1844
@Big_Ol_Woody - Back in Nauvoo again WhereTF is every1? Half the town gone. Oh well got 2 run home I have DEEP blue balls LOL! 3:33 PM Ð 13 Apr 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Some army jerkwad wants volunteers 4 #MexicanWar. F**k that. Where were u earlier? Passed buck up 2 #TheBrigham. 11:20 AM Ð 26 Jun 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Marrying 3 chix 2day have #HaremOf4 SWEEEET!! Mary A's 28 Mary C's 17 Sarah's 18 & I can hardly wait! Phoebe not happy TFB. 8:44 AM Ð 2 Aug 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Teenage wives a pain, want guys their own age. Can't figure it out. BE GONE YE HARLOTS! Just the 2 wifeys 4 now. 10:55 AM Ð 29 Aug 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - OW FK A TREE JUST FELL ON ME FK GODDAM S**T THAT HURTS OW OW 2:27 PM Ð 15 Oct 1846
@Big_Ol_Woody - Both wives preg, always complaining about something SHUT IT! Leaving em 2 each other 4 female bonding. ROAD TRIP YEAH!! 4:06 PM Ð 5 Apr 1847
@Big_Ol_Woody - This place is a dump, total #ForsakenWasteland. Deseret my @$$. BY = idiot. 9:56 AM Ð 24 Jul 1847
@Big_Ol_Woody - Climbing a mountain 2day. Full suit tie & vest. Fk I'm hot tired & #NeedABath. It's never enough is it BY? Never fking enough. Ever. 12:34 PM Ð 26 Jul 1847
I have been discovered. My actions here have alerted the Strengthening Church Members Committee. Even as I write I can hear Danite footsteps echoing in the hall. I must escape. Brethren, hasta ma–ana.
Praise Darwin, I have outwitted my foes. Oaks' Blokes chased me down the fire stairs and into the hotel lobby, but I threw down some banana peels upon which they slipped and fell. My northern and eastern escape routes were too heavily guarded, and Wendover is a hole. I have turned south and found refuge in Santaquin, but cannot linger.
@Big_Ol_Woody - F**ked up dream, prob drank 2 much #barleycorn. Saw JS & a lot of ppl in white robes making crowns. Have 2 get off the stuff. 2:17 AM Ð 16 Mar 1848
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mary A divorcing me 2morrow WTF is going on? Not like I've been away from home neglecting her, oh wait I did. All right go then. S**t. 1:51 PM Ð 10 May 1848
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 tell BY I need women 2 #LiveUp2Privileges. Down 2 only Phoebe since last divorce, not enough. Must find #PerkyBoobs soon. 10:03 AM Ð 16 Mar 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - S**t, have 2 marry this widow named Mary, she's 48. Older than me. Guess #TheBrigham is pissed at me. Need 2 brown nose again. 9:26 PM Ð 27 Mar 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - Mary died 2day so just 1 wife again. We can #KeepEmComing tho. Have another picked out already, Clarissa's 17. 6:16 PM Ð 3 Oct 1852
@Big_Ol_Woody - #TheBrigham dedicating #SLTemple site, droning on & on & on. Will NOT close pie hole. Want 2 go home, drink #beer. 11:41 AM Ð 14 Feb 1853
@Big_Ol_Woody - Bad luck w/ teens, Clarissa divorced me 2. Trying again 2day w/ 2 new hotties, Emma 15 & Sarah 19. I'm 46 haha. SCORE. 8:28 AM Ð 13 Mar 1853
@Big_Ol_Woody - Off again, have 2 travel across the fking country 2 buy st 4 the #DeseretAlphabet. Just another wild hair out of BY's @$$. 9:02 AM Ð 3 Mar 1856
@Big_Ol_Woody - Addressed bumpkins in conf 2day in favor of #handcart ops. All have 2 back #TheBrigham on this or else. #NoConscience 3:23 PM Ð 6 Oct 1856
@Big_Ol_Woody - Promised hayseeds some would be alive 4 return of #TenTribes & give em endowments. Never know what the f**k I'm talking about. 1:57 PM Ð 22 Feb 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: @JamesBuchanan 2 send in US Army. ROFLMAO!! #BringItOn, Prez! We shall summon mighty earthquakes 2 swallow you up!! 12:08 PM Ð 24 Jul 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another wife 2day! 9th overall but 4th staying. Hard 2 keep track. Sarah Delight's just 19 say hi 2 Mr. Woodruff! #DelightMe 11:01 AM Ð 31 Jul 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - @JohnDLee ran in 2day shouting about #MountainMeadows something? Said Indians killed ppl. Yawn. BFD, need 2 get ready 4 army. 3:47 PM Ð 29 Sep 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Spoke 2day in the Tab, said #God progressing in knowledge & power. Crowd ate it up, go figure. These dips**ts believe everything. 2:24 PM Ð 6 Dec 1857
@Big_Ol_Woody - Running away 2 Provo since army's almost here. Expected #God 2 send down useful s**t like #FlamingAngels but nope. #WhatElseIsNew 9:05 AM Ð 7 Apr 1858
@Big_Ol_Woody - Yeah right wool. Nothin better 2 wear in CK huh Heber u jackhole? RT @HeberCKimball: Peter wore wool when he came 2 Kirtland temple 3:46 PM Ð 9 Feb 1862
@Big_Ol_Woody - Emma ready 2 pop any day, Delight 3 mo along. Sarah's turn 2 receive some laying on of hands & gift of the holy spurt haha. 6:58 PM Ð 29 Jan 1863
@Big_Ol_Woody - Prophesied Albany 2 be destroyed by fire, Boston by tidal wave, NYC by quake. BY stood up & agreed. We're just makin it all up as we go. 4:12 PM Ð 21 Aug 1863
@Big_Ol_Woody - Emma & Delight WAY preggers & HUUUGE, Sarah busy nursing kid last 8 mo, Phoebe's 61, nowhere 2 go 4 sugar. 2:35 PM Ð 13 Jul 1868
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 put up w/ this batst EVERY SINGLE FKING DAY around here. RT @BrighamYoung: #Sun & #Moon are inhabited 5:00 PM Ð 24 Jul 1870
@Big_Ol_Woody - Think I finally did it, 3 wives prego at same time. D*ck is sore tho & G's rub against it fierce. #NoSpermLeft, balls shrunk 2 pea size. 10:42 PM Ð 21 Nov 1872
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: rumor #PolandAct passed by @Congress yesterday, easier 2 prosecute plyg. We will DIE be4 we abandon plyg!!! #NoSurrender 10:29 AM Ð 24 Jun 1874
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got the shaft again. I'm older than Taylor, next in line but fking Q12 jumped him ahead of me just b/c he was ordained 1st. Hate u fks. 1:48 PM Ð 10 Apr 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Talked again about #TenTribes coming soon. Might even convince myself of this s**t someday. #NotGonnaHappen 2:45 PM Ð 24 Jun 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Told everybody 2day that #Millennium is dawning soon blah blah. Would be amazed if anything I said ever actually happened. 3:31 PM Ð 12 Sep 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - Meeting w/ @UlyssesSGrant, as usual #TheBrigham is boring the living s**t out of the Prez. Put a sock in it 4 once u douche. 10:18 AM Ð 3 Oct 1875
@Big_Ol_Woody - BY said 2 write temple s**t down. Started last Nov u dumb coot. Will make this crapola all scary weird w/ #BloodOaths 2 freak ppl out haha. 12:32 PM Ð 14 Jan 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Think BY likes me b/c he's giving me his daughter Eudora 2morrow. She's 24 & OK I guess. Can't do s**t at 70 tho. 5:22 PM Ð 9 Mar 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - #TheBrigham doesnt like me after all, I get now why he dumped his daughter on me. Well played BY. 11:14 AM Ð 11 Mar 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - You'll NEVER believe this!! Bunch of ghosts in wigs just showed up in SG Temple! G-Wash, T-Jef, B-Frank, all of em! OMG SICK!!! 12:56 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Now they're all #BooHoo about no temple work 4 em yet. Waited soooo long wah wah wah. Scuse us guys we've been busy. 12:59 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Introducing themselves 1 by 1. BORRRING. U signed #DeclarationOfIndependence? Never heard of most of these ppl. Who are all u jokers?? 1:07 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Button Gwinet? (sp?) WTF stupid name is Button? Wait til I tell BY's kid Mahonri Moriancumer Young, he'll die laughing. Button, ROFL!! 2:21 PM Ð 19 Aug 1877
I hear voices in the distance, shouts of "Oh, fetch!" coming closer. How did they find me so quickly? Into the night once more. Brethren, peace out.
Again I have survived. The fools really ought to remove their sunglasses at night, but it seems to be against the rules. They left only the chauffeur to guard their car, a custom 2013 Bentley Mulsanne bearing the license plate "MONSON6." (How many does he have?) I dispatched the poor fellow using a can of Mountain Dew heavily laced with Ex-Lax, then drove away. I exited the interstate at Nephi, later abandoned the Bentley in Milford and have made my way to Minersville. I should be safe here. No one has ever visited this town.
@Big_Ol_Woody - It's T-Jef by himself this time. Looks uncomfortable, says something about wants 2 marry #SallyHemings? I say IDK, need more info. 10:34 AM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - OK get this. So I pray & see Sally! HOLY S**T SMOKIN HOT!!! I get an idea, play cool, say sorry no, #CurseOfCain etc. He's sad & goes. 10:38 AM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - TJ's back. I offer 2 swap my 3rd, 4th & 6th wives 2 him 4 Sally. Don't fess up these 3 divorced me haha. He says he'll get back 2 me. 1:19 PM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Can u f*king BELIEVE IT?!? #SelfishGhost said *NO 2 my trade!! T-JEF IS AN A-HOLE!!! #IWantSally 3:53 PM Ð 20 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Got dunking done 4 all these dead guys & a few more. Got water up my nose LOL! #Columbus will be sooo grateful 2 me! 7:30 PM Ð 21 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Just woke up from dream about Sally H, look down & ewwww gross!!! Long time since that happened, didn't know I still could haha! 1:16 AM Ð 25 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - BIG news! BY finally kicked it, seemed that tool would never go! Guess that HOT @AnnElizaWebb broke his heart. Annie #TelegraphMe anytime!! 11:57 PM Ð 29 Aug 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - At funeral of #TheBrigham, now I'm 1 step closer 2 prez. Snoozefest, bored 2 tears. Have 2 speak later, hope I can stay awake. 10:24 AM Ð 2 Sep 1877
@Big_Ol_Woody - Eudora had son yesterday but he died. Time 2 visit Emma 4 replacement. Delight 7 mo preg wonder if she's OK haha. 8:29 AM Ð 2 Apr 1878
@Big_Ol_Woody - got 2 run n hide the us marshals r after me that bch eudora divorced me n ratted me out 2 the govt why do all these bches turn on me? 7:43 PM Ð 7 Feb 1879
@Big_Ol_Woody - Beware O Earth 4 the Hour of the Judgment of #God is Upon U! Seriously! I'm Not Kidding This Time, I Really Really Mean It!! 5:13 AM Ð 26 Jan 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Q12 droolers took my Jan nutter ramblings as the Word of #TheLord so it's official #revelation. Shaking my head, it's a #circus here. 4:48 PM Ð 4 Apr 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Talking on #SignsOfTimes, this generation 2 see return of JC blah blah blah. Have 2 keep it going til the gomers wise up 2 us. 3:17 PM Ð 3 Jul 1880
@Big_Ol_Woody - Telegram: Prez @ChesterAArthur signed #EdmundsAct yesterday. #TheLord shall PROTECT US as w/ FIRE ye MINIONS OF SATAN!!! 10:11 AM Ð 25 Mar 1882
@Big_Ol_Woody - Saw CK mansions in dream last nite, the best #HeavenlyArchitects were building em. Must be getting f**king senile or something. 6:06 AM Ð 30 Dec 1882
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 go on the run again, gettin 2 old 4 this st. What a fking joke, not like I'm boning any1, #CantGetItUp w/ a pulley. 8:14 AM Ð 14 Jan 1885
@Big_Ol_Woody - GEO EDMUNDS & JOHN TUCKER BY THE POWER OF THE P/H IN THE NAME OF J-C I SENTENCE U BOTH 2 INSTANT DEATH & ETERNAL DAMNATION IN OUTER DARKNESS 10:59 AM Ð 14 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - Did it work? 8:41 PM Ð 15 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - F**k me we are so screwed 11:28 AM Ð 17 Jan 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - OH: Taylor died yesterday so I'm prez now. Super, just f**king splendid. Can't even go 2 #outhouse w/ out being arrested. 1:15 PM Ð 26 Jul 1887
@Big_Ol_Woody - Put my foot in it again. Prophesied that SS & MIA kids in audience 2 live 2 see #SecondComing. I'll be long dead by then #SoSueMe. 11:03 AM Ð 29 Jul 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Ridiculous horses**t, surrounded by cretins. RT @OrsonFWhitney: JS: #TowerOfBabel built 2 reach #CityOfEnoch suspended in midair 10:37 PM Ð 22 Sep 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Another #revelation from #God hooray! Not going 2 give up plyg 2 become state. #TheKingdom doesn't take terms it makes em. 10:36 PM Ð 24 Nov 1889
@Big_Ol_Woody - Telegram: @SupremeCourt upheld #EdmundsTucker. #God promised 2 fight our f**king battles but chucked us, what a surprise. 9:44 AM Ð 20 May 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - Time 2 give up plyg. Need 2 make up some lame@$$ excuse 4 blowhards like BY & Kimball & Pratt etc. Thx a heap #God big help u were. 1:54 PM Ð 24 Sep 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - Have 2 #TapDance 4 every1 about why we caved after 50 yrs of big bulls**t CK promises & brave talk of US collapse. #EpicFail 9:49 AM Ð 6 Oct 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - It's good. Said more crap about never leading the church astray, remove out of our place blah blah. Will all #BlowOverSoon, plebs wont remember. 11:10 AM Ð 6 Oct 1890
@Big_Ol_Woody - @JosephFSmith asked 4 chat w/ son J Fielding 2day his 15 bday. #WeirdKid if u ask me. Arrogant little f**k, not 2 sharp, kinda creepy. 1:42 PM Ð 19 Jul 1891
@Big_Ol_Woody - Dedicating #SLTemple 2day, hosanna, hosanna barf. Have #hangover, feel like s**t, might need #coffee 2 stay sharp haha. 9:19 AM Ð 6 Apr 1893
@Big_Ol_Woody - Told peasants in conf 2day #OMyFather is #revelation haha. Sometimes I kill me. 4:52 PM Ð 8 Oct 1893
@Big_Ol_Woody - B-Frank said hi in bizarro dream. Had long talk, he wanted more temple s**t done. I said OK if he would bug T-Jef about #SallyHemings. 3:46 AM Ð 20 Mar 1894
@Big_Ol_Woody - Utah state but w/ out plyg dammit. Bogus Ô89 #revelation was test from #God I bet. Uh yeah thats it. U cant criticize me I'm the profit. 12:08 PM Ð 4 Jan 1896
@Big_Ol_Woody - Conf talk earlier 2day, kids here 2 be alive 4 #SecondComing. Same ol s**t 60 yrs, they're just never gonna learn. Dumb@$$es 4ever. 6:25 PM Ð 8 Apr 1898
Betrayed! facepalm It must have been a local, besotted with the false promises of a special second anointing for my capture. If I could hie to Kolob Canyons I might yet stand a chance. I will return and report, should I live. Brethren, whatever.
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff: The Hunt is On!
It has come to this at last. I was hotly pursued into Zion National Park and alas! have tragically lost the Flash Drive of the Prophets while scrambling over the lovely pink cliffs. I fear that it will never be found, save perhaps by an intrepid contributor to this board. Once I reach Mesquite I think I will be free. The Committee has no power beyond Utah, and the breakfast buffet at the Casa Blanca is not half bad. I thank you, dear readers, for your time and attention but damn I really must move or I am toast. Brethr
The Tweets of Wilford Woodruff: Epilogue
The boys were close on my heels all the way to St. George, where I ditched them for good as they were gorging on thirds at Golden Corral's dessert table. I held to the course of the Virgin River through Arizona, entering Nevada near Bunkerville. Being famished I was compelled to rustle and BBQ one of Cliven Bundy's cattle. And it came to pass that I arrived in Las Vegas clinging to the back of a big rig. I relax now poolside at Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino. All is well! My adventure is finished and I return to a normal existence, buying tequilas for sun-kissed topless honeys. I thank you once more for your kind attention. Brethren, I do.
The orignal article and other information about LDS Prophets is available here: http://www.salamandersociety.com/foyeprophets/

Dear Redditors of Las Vegas,
I want to thank you all for the advice and wisdom on this subreddit, which led to the perfect trip for myself (23M) and my lady friend (22F). I thought the least I could do to express my gratitude was to provide a trip report for those looking to visit in the future.
The trip was from 3/11 – 3/17, during our spring break. We’re from a school in New York and we set out here because we found some cheap plane tickets and wanted to have a nice relaxing time and stuff ourselves with good food, not necessarily for the casinos and the nightlife. I had been here 3 years ago as an under-21 year old, so it was nice to have the “real Vegas” experience.
Lodging: Stayed at Vdara Sat-Thurs with Mlife rates. Did the $20 trick and we were upgraded to a fountain-view suite. Gorgeous. I really recommend this hotel if you’re looking for a relatively quiet time. It doesn’t have a casino which perhaps attracts a calmer crowd, but the walk to the Bellagio or Aria is less than 10 minutes each so you can still satisfy your gambling needs. I don’t talk much about the casinos below, but we definitely did a fair share of gambling during our stay.
Transportation: We did have a rental car which made transportation easy. Valet was complementary, but please make sure to tip! They’ll take care of you.
Saturday 3/12

• KOMEX – only because I came here 3 years ago and had fond memories of it. So good.
• “O” show – Was a pretty cool show, but I was honestly underwhelmed by it. Had pretty good seats right in front of the VIP seating, which was unoccupied… so my GF and I hopped the fence and sat there instead, which was neat.

We also spent a while walking around the strip, getting acclimated, and looking at the cool hotels, to include Caesar’s Palace, Bellagio, and the Venetian.
Sunday

• Bachi Burger – also to reunite with a previous memory. I still think this is one of the top 3 burgers I’ve ever had. The oxtail chili cheese fries are recommended by others to be a “must”, but I personally prefer the truffle fries.
• Red Rock Canyon – Beautiful drive and hiking.
• Monta Ramen – I’m a huge ramen fan and I understood this was the –best- ramen place in Vegas. It was very good, I’d say there are better places in NYC though.
• Sweets Raku – in the same complex as Monta Ramen. They have some neat desserts that they make right in front of you, lovely experience.
  
• Steve Aoki @ Hakkasan – We did it just for the experience (when in Rome, right?) and I used to be a big Steve Aoki fan back in the day. We showed up around 2230 and he didn’t come on until midnight, but we kind of got tired of the place and the crowd and left before he showed up.
  

Monday

• Brunch @ Bacchanal Buffet, Caesar’s Palace – This was awesome! We had the groupon deal and it was impressively cheap. Midway through our meal they switched to their lunch menu so we got the best of both worlds there.
• Gordon Ramsey’s Burgr – onion rings were incredible. The burger was pretty good as well.
• Secret Pizza place @ Cosmo – was decent pizza but nothing impressive. It also wasn’t hard to find because there were a lot of people eating pizza right outside of the hallway…

We were in a food coma for a long time after the buffet so we napped and lounged around all day. Did some walking around the strip, watched the Bellagio fountain show for real. It was good.
Tuesday

• Hoover Dam & Grand Canyon (West)

This was a great time, but I was unprepared for Grand Canyon West. I had initially wanted to go to the National Park side (GC South) but since it’s a much longer drive, settled for GC West. I didn’t expect the hefty entrance fee and I complained about being a part of the largest scam of all time, but the memories made it worth. There is about a $30 extra charge to go on the skywalk. I recommend you don’t do this – we just stood right next to the skywalk and got just about the same experience.
We had in n’ out on the way back. Always a good time.
Wednesday

• Wicked Spoon @ Cosmo – Good buffet and the dishes were interesting, with different types of fusion here and there. Bone Marrow was weird.
• The Eiffel tower @ Paris Las Vegas – I’m not sure how much this is but it was free for us so we went for it. The Bellagio fountains went off while we were up in the tower and it was a whole new view in itself! The wait was definitely worth it, can’t comment on the price though.

Thursday

• Mint Indian Bistro – very good lunch buffet, big fan of indian food.
• Atomic Testing Museum – We went here because we were looking for things to do at this point, but I guess it was appropriate because I’m a nuke minor. Pretty informative, the staff know their nuclear testing history. There’s an exhibit at the end about Area 51/Aliens for which I was excited, but it looked more like a high schooler’s science fair project.
  
• Earl of Sandwich - Last meal in Vegas here. I could seriously eat these every day.
  

Overall, it was a magical time and I cannot wait to be back. Thank you again to everyone for helping me come up with a great trip.
Things I wish I had done but didn’t: Studio B Buffet @ M Resort (for the price and unlimited drinks), GC South, Zion, hit the jackpot.
TL;DR: Had an awesome time in Vegas thanks to this subreddit. Stayed at Vdara, went to the “O” show, and ate a lot of good food.
EDIT: I still have the excel file I used to list all the restaurants and activities for the trip. It's pretty messy with some comments, but if anyone is interested I'll either send it to you or post the google doc link in the comments.
EDIT #2: Fixed a stupid mistake. Thanks jgiesea

I think it's high time we have some serious hand discussion on poker.
Plus, my Internet fraud probation terms had a typo in them, so I'm back!
Anyway, let's get to what we all want: some realistic, awesome poker action.
1/2 NL at Sharrita's Casino, Pet Store, and Chinese Buffet in New Orleans, Louisiana (you've never heard of it)
Hero (SB): $2,956 Villain (BB): $2,879 Drunk Luckboxing Guy (UTG): $1,114 Old Asian Nit (MP): $50 Old Lady Who Smells Like Cat Piss (HJ): $200 Uncomfortable Close Fat Guy (CO): $350 Liv Boeree (BU): $69
Background: Villain recently took a huge pot off Drunk Luckbox Guy, who had been beating up the table all night. Villain recently busted "College Kid With Really Skinny Neck" and "Guy Trying to Teach His Girlfriend How To Play For the First Time At The Fucking Table, How Stupid Is That? Get A Clue, Asshole" and "That Guy's Girlfriend, Who Thought a Straight Beat A Flush."
Hero has standard TAG image and range, bets standard 50x pre-flop and never opens with anything lower in value than 9-2 offsuit.
Villain recognizes Hero, gives the evil eye and says, "I'm coming for you, SwanpJew," and glares menacingly.
Action:
Preflop: UTG, MP, CO, HJ, and BU all conveniently fold. Hero does that karate-hand hitting the felt gesture to indicate a chop. Villain bites the bottlecap off his $8 Bud Light, chews and swallows the cap.
Hero looks down at the best hand in Hold 'em. The invincible JsTs. Hero completes.
Villain chugs the beer and crushes the bottle against his head. Villain checks.
Pot to the flop: $4
Preflop Thoughts: Villain is drinking a domestic beer instead of a $12 pre-made margarita, so he's not a high roller, but it's not a draft beer so he might be here to gamble. I briefly consider raising it up to something like $140 or $180, but I want to disguise the strength of my hand and set up a good trap.
Flop: 9s4dAc
Hero: Rub chin, looks bored, taps the felt.
Villain: Bets $75.
Hero: Calls.
Pot to the turn: $154
Flop Thoughts: This is a great flop for my hand. When flops come up and give me a four-flush, it's usually too obvious for me to get paid off when that flush card finally hits. Same goes for when my straight cards come on the flop, making my open-ended draw super visible. I much prefer a raggy looking flop like this so I can catch an inside straight draw on the turn and then hit my gutterball on the river. Now's a great time to juice the pot, but I don't want to appear too strong because he'll know I've got such a powerful draw. I tap the felt, because saying "Check" too confidently is a sure-fire way to lose value. For best results, tap the felt like you're clicking a mouse with your index and middle finger. Doing so makes you look like an internet player, and everyone knows the worst live player is light-years ahead of the best Internet player. His bet is a little small and my check-raise wouldn't garner much suspicion, but poker is game of patience and JTs only comes so often.
Turn 2h
Hero: Says "Czechoslovakia." No one at the table has heard this before, and everyone finds it hysterical. Button tosses her hair flirtaciously, a sweet tinkle in her eyes. Hero smiles back, modestly.
Villain: Finishes laughing at Hero's witty and fresh way of checking and bets $500.
Hero: Lowers Ray-bans. Says "Raise" and pushes three stacks of 9th Ward society out there. Button lets out a breathy gasp of arousal.
Villain: Calls time, tanks, and folds pocket Kings face up.
Turn Thoughts: Villain really put his range face-up when he only bet $500. If he'd made it like $505 or $507, I'd have folded instantly. I swore I'd never bother you, my faithful readers, with petty things like range and pot odds, but trust me when I say it's sometimes (SOMETIMES!) helpful to know what pot odds are. Here's why: offering 1.308:1 pot odds lets me know you're ready to fold because you can't handle how wet the board is. On the other hand, making the pot odds 1.303747535:1 is an entirely different story, because I'm expecting villain to have slow-played and show up with a real powerhouse like A2o or A4o or 55. You can find a helpful pot odds chart to bring with you to the table in the back of the newest book in my series: SwanpJew's Power Poker Guide to Mathless Math
Aftermath: Villain looks wistfully at a picture of his wife and kids in his wallet before turning the gun on himself. He is quickly replaced by "Guy Who Just Got Back From a Smoke-Break and Didn't Bother To Chew Gum or A Mint Or Something, Fuck". The dealer takes the rake and the jackpot drop and Hero stacks his $35 pot. Button puts her hand on Hero's thigh and whispers something in his ear. Hero tells Button it would never work, because physics and liberal arts just don't mix. Hero tells Button they come from different worlds. Button was an upper-middle class girl from Kent, and Hero is just some dumb American who grew up as the poor kid in the suburbs. Button says that doesn't matter, all that matters is that we're here. Hero and Button lock eyes for a while. Hero strokes Button's face, rubbing her lower lip with his thumb, which Button promptly takes in her mouth without breaking away from his gaze. Hero tells Button he won't be there in the morning when she wakes up, and Button says she knows, but she can hope. Hero and Button go up to her room and... oh, looks like I've run into the next lesson in the SwanpJew Power Poker Series. Sorry, folks, you'll have to buy the book to get all the secrets!
Until next time, like my favorite dealer always says, “Sir, please keep your cards on the felt. If I see them leave the table again, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.”
Good night, poker!

Oklahoma City's event list.

Wednesday, Sep 12th

• 🎨 American Indian Artists: 20th Century Masters (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Thru Fri, Sep 14th Start Time: 10:00am September 1 – May 12, 2019 American Indian Artists: 20th Century Masters As Lakota artist Oscar Howe wrote in 1958, “There is much more to Indian art, than pretty, stylized pictures.” This exhibition highlights this depth and the 20th century American masters who shaped it. Explore early artists such as the Kiowa Six, Tonita…
• Anxiety Management Support Group (Mental Health Association Oklahoma main office - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Anxiety disorders are the most common form of mental illness and affect more than 40 million Americans. Symptoms may include: overwhelming feelings of panic and fear, uncontrollable obsessive thoughts, painful intrusive memories, recurring nightmares, physical symptoms such as feeling sick to your stomach, “butterflies” in your stomach,…
• ♪ Ben Brock Music (JJ's Alley - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 9:30pm
• 🎓 Brown Bag Lunch Series: Oklahoma Indian Painting, 1923 - 1980 (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 12:00pm Oklahoma artists were important contributors to the development of American Indian painting in the 20th century. Drawing on existing Southern Plains graphic arts traditions, the Kiowa Six created works that attracted attention from a world-wide audience. Their success informed the accomplishments of later artists, including many who drew…
• 😂 Chris Killian (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Sep 15th
• Dungeons & Dragons (Edmond Unplugged - Edmond) Start Time: 7:00pm A City on the Edge with Ashley King No Cost Beginners and experienced players welcome Pre-made characters will be available No outside food and drink, food and drink available within the store
• ♪ Hannibal Buress (Tower Theatre Studio - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 10:00pm
• Hannibal Burress (Tower Theatre Studio - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:30pm Get your tickets for an evening of hilarity when Hannibal Buress holds court at OKC's historic Tower Theatre. This…
• ♪ Live Music- Mike Hosty (Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:30pm
• $ OML Annual Confrence and Exposition (Cox Convention Center - Oklahoma City) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 8:30am On September 11th-13th, the OML conference will bring together a statewide audience of over 400 mayors, councilmembers, trustees, city managers, clerks, electrical superintendents, public works directors and other municipal officials representing approximately 120 Oklahoma municipalities. The delegates will meet to learn, to listen, to question…
• Parents Supporting Parents (Mental Health Association Oklahoma main office - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm This group is for caretakers and parents who are supporting an individual managing the complications often associated with having a pervasive development disorder such as autism or aspergers disorder. This group will also provide education and support to those parents who have loved ones with diagnosed or undiagnosed mental, emotional,…
• ♪ Shortly (89th Street Collective - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:30pm
• ♪ Stand Atlantic (Diamond Ballroom - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:00pm
• 🍴 Teachers 1/2 to Eat, Too! (The Melting Pot - Oklahoma City) Day 1 of 2 Start Time: 5:00pm Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE …
• ♪ Trophy Eyes (Diamond Ballroom - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:00pm
• 🏆 Wednesday Game Night (Remington Park - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Play the games you love for jackpots and then play more games you love for Extra Cash & Prizes on Game Night at Remington Park, every Wednesday! Starting at 6pm on Wednesday nights at Remington Park, just make sure to use your Club Remington Card as you play in the casino. Doing so may get you selected via hot seat drawings to make Free Spins,…
• ♪ WSTR (Diamond Ballroom - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:00pm
• WWII Edmond: Housewives on the Homefront (Edmond Historical Society - Edmond) Thru Fri, Sep 14th Start Time: 10:00am War affected everything for women. Some women during WWII went to work for the military or in factories–but more women stayed home. Housewives living in Edmond, Oklahoma made sacrifices and conformed to the government’s requests in order to help soldiers overseas. By spending wisely, saving everything, and keeping the country’s spirits up…

Thursday, Sep 13th

• 🎨 American Indian Artists: 20th Century Masters (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) 1 day left Start Time: 10:00am September 1 – May 12, 2019 American Indian Artists: 20th Century Masters As Lakota artist Oscar Howe wrote in 1958, “There is much more to Indian art, than pretty, stylized pictures.” This exhibition highlights this depth and the 20th century American masters who shaped it. Explore early artists such as the Kiowa Six, Tonita…
• 🎨 at the 51st Street Speakeasy (51st st. Speakeasy - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00pm Price: FREE SHOW!!!
  We're mixing it up a little with this screening!! LET'S GET WEIRD is a new series where we'll be brining some of the most random and weirdest VHS tapes that we can find and screening them for you!!
  We're also letting anybody who has their own weird home movies, training videos, or really any kind of unique VHS tapes bring…
  
• 😂 Chris Killian (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) Thru Sat, Sep 15th
  
• Colt Ford in Concert (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:00pm Don't miss country-rap artist Colt Ford live in concert at the Oklahoma State Fair. This Academy of Country Music…
  
• Dare to Dream (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Tue, Sep 18th Get off your feet and watch the action unfold on ice as beloved Disney princesses and classic characters come to life…
  
• DNA GALLERIES: ART EXHIBITIONS (DNA galleries - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm
  
• 🎨 Dorshak Bloch / Exhibition Opening (DNA galleries - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Featured in our gallery for the month of September is Oklahoma City artist Dorshak Bloch. Learn more about this artist at: Bombs Away Art https://www.instagram.com/bombsawayart/ Join us Thursday, September 13th from 6-9pm for the Exhibition Opening and Artist Reception. Or join us the following night for our opening during the 2nd Friday Live on…
  
• ♪ Joe Mack Music (JJ's Alley - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 9:00pm
  
• John Mark McMillan in Concert (Tower Theatre Studio - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00pm Join Christian artist and soulful vocalist John Mark McMillan for an inspirational evening at OKC's historic Tower…
  
• 🎨 Movie in the Park: Wonder (Mitch Park - Edmond) Start Time: 8:00pm The movie starts at dusk located behind the MAC building in Mitch Park. Movies are free with concessions $1 each.
  
• Oklahoma State Fair (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sun, Sep 23rd Make your way to the Oklahoma State Fair and celebrate the end of summer with endless carnival rides, delicious fair food…
  
• $ OML Annual Confrence and Exposition (Cox Convention Center - Oklahoma City) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 8:30am On September 11th-13th, the OML conference will bring together a statewide audience of over 400 mayors, councilmembers, trustees, city managers, clerks, electrical superintendents, public works directors and other municipal officials representing approximately 120 Oklahoma municipalities. The delegates will meet to learn, to listen, to question…
  
• Richard III (Myriad Gardens Water Stage - Oklahoma City) Thru Fri, Sep 28th Pack your picnic basket, grab a seat in the amphitheater and get whisked away to a magical place when the Oklahoma…
  
• Saints Sessions (Saints - Oklahoma City) Head to the Plaza District each Thursday for an evening of Saints Sessions programming. Visit Saints Pub in Oklahoma City on…
  
• Scott Westerfield (Best of Books - Edmond) Start Time: 6:00pm Author Scott Westerfeld is coming to Best of Books! He will be signing copies of his new book, Imposters, on Thursday, September 13th starting at 6:00 pm. Imposters is set in Westerfeld's Uglies world. In order to reserve a line number for the signing part of the event, you must purchase a copy of Imposters.…
  
• SpringHill Suites Art Night (SpringHill Suites by Marriott Oklahoma City Airport - Oklahoma City) Head to SpringHill Suites by Marriott Quail Springs Oklahoma City for a night filled with art. During SpringHill Suites…
  
• ♪ Steve Tyrell (The Jones Assembly - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Doors 6:00. Dinner service beginning at 6:00. The Jones Supper Club buffet style dinner service prior to show included in ticket price. Alcohol not included in ticket price. GA tickets include first come, first serve community style table seating on main floor. Reserved booth and table packages include private booth or table seating with buffet…
  
• 🍴 Teachers 1/2 to Eat, Too! (The Melting Pot - Oklahoma City) Day 2 of 2 Start Time: 5:00pm Normal 0 false false false EN-US X-NONE X-NONE …
  
• 🎓 Moore Toastmasters (1st United Methodist Church - Moore) Start Time: 7:00pm Do you cringe at the thought of being in front of a room communicating? Maybe you have no idea how to construct your thoughts for your next business meeting?
  Come and join toastmasters and learn the art of public speaking and leadership. It is a safe and great learning environment for you to start or refine your public speaking skills. There…
  
• WWII Edmond: Housewives on the Homefront (Edmond Historical Society - Edmond) 1 day left Start Time: 10:00am War affected everything for women. Some women during WWII went to work for the military or in factories–but more women stayed home. Housewives living in Edmond, Oklahoma made sacrifices and conformed to the government’s requests in order to help soldiers overseas. By spending wisely, saving everything, and keeping the country’s spirits up…
  

Friday, Sep 14th

• 2nd Friday Norman Art Walk (Norman Arts District - Norman) The 2nd Friday Norman Art Walk, a monthly celebration of the arts in Norman, connects the downtown arts district with…
• ♪ Aaron Cole (First Baptist Church - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:00pm
• ♪ Air1 Positive Hits Tour with Zach Williams (First Baptist Church - Moore) Start Time: 7:00pm We Are Messengers, Joshua Micah, Aaron Cole, Branan Murphy
• Air Supply in Concert (Riverwind Casino - Norman) Come to Riverwind Casino in Norman for the smooth sounds of Air Supply. Since the late 1970s up to the present, Air Supply…
• 🎓 Edmond Ambucs Friday Luncheon (University of Central Oklahoma - Edmond) Start Time: 12:00pm The Edmond Chapter Ambucs “creating mobility & independence for people with disabilities” hosts a weekly luncheon every Friday. Please join us at 12PM Noon, UCO Nigh Center, Cherokee Room. We also meet the 2nd Tues. night monthly, 5:30PM, Rock & Brews, 2737 W. Memorial Rd. for $5 burgers & FREE appetizers. More info., call (405)820-9667.
• 🎨 American Indian Artists: 20th Century Masters (Western Heritage Museum - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am September 1 – May 12, 2019 American Indian Artists: 20th Century Masters As Lakota artist Oscar Howe wrote in 1958, “There is much more to Indian art, than pretty, stylized pictures.” This exhibition highlights this depth and the 20th century American masters who shaped it. Explore early artists such as the Kiowa Six, Tonita…
• 🏆 Central OK: University of Central Oklahoma Women's Soccer vs Southwest Baptist (Edmond) Start Time: 7:00pm University of Central Oklahoma Women's Soccer vs Southwest Baptist https://bronchosports.com/calendar.aspx?id=6010
• 🏆 Central OK: University of Central Oklahoma Women's Volleyball vs Southwest Baptist (Edmond) Start Time: 6:00pm University of Central Oklahoma Women's Volleyball vs Southwest Baptist https://bronchosports.com/calendar.aspx?id=5986
• ♪ The Chad Todd Band (Chisholm's Saloon - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 9:30pm
• 😂 Chris Killian (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) 1 day left
• ♪ Chris Trapper (The Blue Door - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00pm
• Dare to Dream (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Tue, Sep 18th Get off your feet and watch the action unfold on ice as beloved Disney princesses and classic characters come to life…
• 🏆 Oklahoma City Dodgers (Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark - Oklahoma City) Thru Sun, Sep 16th Start Time: 7:05pm 2018 Pacific Coast League Championship Series
• Food Truck Fridays (Moore Central Park - Moore) Sample a variety of tasty, creative eats served up fresh from food trucks on hand. At Food Truck Fridays in Moore, line up…
• ♪ Jamie Bramble Fan Page (Coles Garden - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:00pm
• ♪ Joshua Micah (First Baptist Church - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:00pm
• LIVE! on the Plaza: Oktoberfest (Plaza District - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Get ready to celebrate one of Oklahoma City's best monthly festivals! This month, our theme is Oktoberfest. We will also continue our Outdoor Market featuring work from local artists & live music!
• ♪ Marty McIntosh (VZD's - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 9:00pm
• ♪ Nathan Kress Music (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 9:00pm
• Neal McCoy in Concert (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:30pm Spend the afternoon exploring the Oklahoma State Fair before the evening performance by well-known country singer Neal…
• Oklahoma State Fair (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sun, Sep 23rd Make your way to the Oklahoma State Fair and celebrate the end of summer with endless carnival rides, delicious fair food…
• 😂 Open Mic Night (Don Quixote Club - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:30pm Every Friday is open mic comedy at Don Quixote's! Come see Oklahoma City's up and coming talent. If you're a comedian, sign up begins at 7:30. Show at 8. Stick around for the best karaoke in the city.
• Pancakes & Booze Art Show (Farmer's Market - Oklahoma City) Underground art and breakfast collide when the Pancakes and Booze Art Show comes to the OKC Farmers Public Market. At the…
• Richard III (Myriad Gardens Water Stage - Oklahoma City) Thru Fri, Sep 28th Pack your picnic basket, grab a seat in the amphitheater and get whisked away to a magical place when the Oklahoma…
• River Tour (Narrated) (Oklahoma River Cruises - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 6:00pm Escape the Ordinary, learn about OKC from a different point of view. Relax in the climate controlled cabin on one of our 65’ cruisers, or enjoy the breeze on the viewing deck and listen to the guided commentary while you enjoy a drink from the bar. Indulgence and relaxation aren’t the only purpose of this cruise. During the tour you’ll…
• 🎭 The Rocky Horror Picture Show - At The Boom - An Interactive Movie Experience (The Boom - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 8:00pm
• Stone River Music Festival (Chandler) Thru Sun, Sep 16th The annual Stone River Music Festival will be held this September on private land prepared and donated for this event. This…
• WWII Edmond: Housewives on the Homefront (Edmond Historical Society - Edmond) Last Day Start Time: 10:00am War affected everything for women. Some women during WWII went to work for the military or in factories–but more women stayed home. Housewives living in Edmond, Oklahoma made sacrifices and conformed to the government’s requests in order to help soldiers overseas. By spending wisely, saving everything, and keeping the country’s spirits up…

Saturday, Sep 15th

• BeatleMania LIVE! in Concert (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Spend the afternoon exploring the Oklahoma State Fair before the evening performance by Beatles cover band BeatleMania…
• 😂 Chris Killian (Loony Bin Comedy Club - Oklahoma City) Last Day
• Dare to Dream (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Tue, Sep 18th Get off your feet and watch the action unfold on ice as beloved Disney princesses and classic characters come to life…
• 🏆 Oklahoma City Dodgers (Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark - Oklahoma City) 1 day left Start Time: 7:05pm 2018 Pacific Coast League Championship Series
• Norman Film Festival (Downtown - Norman) Each year, budding artists premiere their films at the Norman Film Festival. Created in 2017, this annual creative…
• FireLake Casino Car Show (Firelake Casino - Shawnee) Admire the timeless designs of classic cars at the FireLake Casino Car Show in Shawnee. The FireLake Casino Car Show…
• Guthrie Flashbacks Road Celebration Car Show (Mineral Wells Park - Guthrie) The 35th annual Guthrie Road Celebration Car Show, held in beautiful and shady Mineral Wells Park, is a celebration of…
• Fort Reno Ghost Tours (Historic Fort Reno - El Reno) Come along on an exciting and spooky ghost tour at El Reno's historic Fort Reno. This ghost tour includes plenty of…
• Tecumseh Frontier Days (Downtown - Tecumseh) This annual celebration is a tribute to Tecumseh's land run that took place in September of 1891. Highlights of…
• Heard on Hurd (Edmond) On the third Saturday of each month, downtown Edmond hosts a pop-up community celebration called Heard on Hurd. Walk through…
• Oklahoma State Fair (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sun, Sep 23rd Make your way to the Oklahoma State Fair and celebrate the end of summer with endless carnival rides, delicious fair food…
• The Rebels (Civic Center Music Hall - Oklahoma City) Celebrate the work of musical "rebels" this September during the Oklahoma City Philharmonic's Classic Concert…
• Richard III (Myriad Gardens Water Stage - Oklahoma City) Thru Fri, Sep 28th Pack your picnic basket, grab a seat in the amphitheater and get whisked away to a magical place when the Oklahoma…
• Sawyer Brown in Concert (Grand Casino Hotel & Resort - Shawnee) Country group Sawyer Brown has performed their signature sound across the nation since 1981. See this veteran country music…
• Stone River Music Festival (Chandler) 1 day left The annual Stone River Music Festival will be held this September on private land prepared and donated for this event. This…
• University of Oklahoma Ghost Tour (Evans Hall, Administration Building - Norman) Discover the mysterious side of an Oklahoma landmark with a University of Oklahoma Ghost Tour. Visitors who join this…
• Upon a Burning Body in Concert (89th Street Collective - Oklahoma City) Metalcore band Upon a Burning Body got its start in 2005, producing four full albums over the years. Fans can expect to hear…

Sunday, Sep 16th

• Dare to Dream (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Tue, Sep 18th Get off your feet and watch the action unfold on ice as beloved Disney princesses and classic characters come to life…
• 🏆 Oklahoma City Dodgers (Chickasaw Bricktown Ballpark - Oklahoma City) Last Day Start Time: 7:05pm 2018 Pacific Coast League Championship Series
• Los Traileros del Norte in Concert (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Spend the afternoon exploring the Oklahoma State Fair before the evening performance by Mexican band Los Traileros del…
• Mexican Independence Day Festival (Wiley Post Park - Oklahoma City) Celebrate Mexican Independence Day with a full afternoon and evening of culture-rich activities and entertainment. Listen to…
• Oklahoma State Fair (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sun, Sep 23rd Make your way to the Oklahoma State Fair and celebrate the end of summer with endless carnival rides, delicious fair food…
• Richard III (Myriad Gardens Water Stage - Oklahoma City) Thru Fri, Sep 28th Pack your picnic basket, grab a seat in the amphitheater and get whisked away to a magical place when the Oklahoma…
• Stone River Music Festival (Chandler) Last Day The annual Stone River Music Festival will be held this September on private land prepared and donated for this event. This…
• Wiggle Out Loud (Myriad Botanical Gardens - Oklahoma City) Load the kids up and make the drive to Myriad Botanical Gardens for Wiggle Out Loud. This Oklahoma City family friendly…

Monday, Sep 17th

• Dare to Dream (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) 1 day left Get off your feet and watch the action unfold on ice as beloved Disney princesses and classic characters come to life…
• Jordan Feliz in Concert (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Spend the afternoon exploring the Oklahoma State Fair before the evening performance by folk rock singer Jordan Feliz. Feliz…
• Oklahoma State Fair (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sun, Sep 23rd Make your way to the Oklahoma State Fair and celebrate the end of summer with endless carnival rides, delicious fair food…
• Richard III (Myriad Gardens Water Stage - Oklahoma City) Thru Fri, Sep 28th Pack your picnic basket, grab a seat in the amphitheater and get whisked away to a magical place when the Oklahoma…
• 🏆 WWE Live! (Chesapeake Energy Arena - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 7:30pm

Tuesday, Sep 18th

• Dare to Dream (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Last Day Get off your feet and watch the action unfold on ice as beloved Disney princesses and classic characters come to life…
• Food Truck Tuesdays (Jackson - Blanchard) Every week, treat your taste buds to new flavors. During Food Truck Tuesdays, a different food truck will park in Blanchard…
• Herman's Hermits in Concert (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Spend the afternoon exploring the Oklahoma State Fair before the evening performance by Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits.…
• JJ Grey & Mofro in Concert (Tower Theatre Studio - Oklahoma City) Head to Uptown 23rd in Oklahoma City for a packed evening of Soul when JJ Grey & Mofro with special guests The New…
• Les Miserables (Civic Center Music Hall - Oklahoma City) Thru Thu, Sep 20th Head to downtown Oklahoma City as OKC Broadway puts on a memorable showing of "Les Miserables." This musical will…
• Oklahoma State Fair (Oklahoma State Fair Park - Oklahoma City) Thru Sun, Sep 23rd Make your way to the Oklahoma State Fair and celebrate the end of summer with endless carnival rides, delicious fair food…
• Richard III (Myriad Gardens Water Stage - Oklahoma City) Thru Fri, Sep 28th Pack your picnic basket, grab a seat in the amphitheater and get whisked away to a magical place when the Oklahoma…
• Silhouette Artist (Thrive Mama Collective - Oklahoma City) Start Time: 10:30am Karl Johnson will be creating hand cut silhouettes by appointment

See Also

• OK Gamers
• Techlahoma